I've been having this itch to write with not a lot to say... I have realized how much I have given up for others, and how much more I'm willing to give up...
I'm also seeing my heart and soul as I raise this little one, praying everyday I am not destroying his life by being in it, I'm sure most parents think that? But lately I've been reading about the past, generational past and history and I imagine being able to raise a kid who is worthy of a future without the bs stigma of less than, or the bs unworthiness that I feel within my own self.
but I've also learned from those mistakes in sense of knowing there needs to be a balance between taking care of him and being there, and setting boundaries. it makes me think I wish I was smarter years ago, but the problem is that it wasn't my job to raise my brothers and sisters, and whatever choices and decisions they made were their own, as well as I cannot hold onto that i caused them the most pain when I left because I did what was best for myself.. and no matter what choices and decisions they decided to cope with that, we are not that family any longer.
Now its just me and my brothers, and maybe select few of others, but overall I'm trying to raise my kid without the bs manipulation, trauma, and addictions whatever else that runs in our family history, and I don't know if that's the best decision, but I know I really would just love to raise him to be proud of himself, and where his roots are, IDK if that's crazy...
Other than that...
I can't get over being loved...being loved so mcuh that I don't even know! When reality is look at my life.. look at where I am at, what in the world makes it seem like I would be worthy of love? Ive done nothing worthy in my life that would allow for this type of love, and yet here it is.
I'm trying to fight everything within me not to destroy it, tamper it, or cause it any turmoil, but in doing that Im denying love in a part of my heart or soul that carries the darkness that's within me? if that makes any sense.
I know that everyone deserves love, and like so many great love stories we all deserve our own in whatever form it may or may not take place, but that the love isn't enough it's everything that goes along with it, it's not just the willingness to show the dark parts, but willing to allow someone else to help you live your life, or get to your potential to the fullest of your dreams.?
I'm so in love.. I feel blinded by it's beauty... and that terrifies me because in this place...in this time.. what in the world....
So much going on for my partner... I wish I could take it all away an take it on my own, but I know that's crazy talk but isn't it normal? to want to take any the suffering of those we love? Well thats me.. I see a beautiful soul struggling everyday, and todya she said the most profound thing that makes me happy/sad at the same time.. she said she will fight to keep living but it's only because I've made life worth living..
IDK thats not exact quote but basically what was said. and its a lot to think about, what moment, what time, where did we find this love and how do we keep this up! Because I'm ready for it all! but thats psycho crazy me talking about everything.. reality is I just want the forever.. I want to hold onto it, I want the fairy tale love that is real, and that we work at and communicate and have fun, and laugh, cry, and whatever the case may be.
I just want us to find our happiness and live in that fully just for a little while, for a day.. for a night. for a second because in all our time together we've struggled and yet we have so much love and passion, so much commitment I just want it all.
I can't believe we found one another, and that when I look at her, or feel her next to me, I know it's what I wanted all along, and that is totally insane to say its been such a beautiful ride, and if I died... I will at least know I had found love, not only that but love had found me as welll...
all the beautiful people I've cared about and loved, very few loved me back in this depth and in this way that I'll never be the same, and I don't know if she even knows what she has done to me.. I am forever changed, forever molded to love and want her happiness as my priority, because we deserve happiness, and I choose that for us everydya. as she had said put it out there, and that's what I'm doing! I want happiness, I want it forever with her, and want her to have that iwth me !
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