The struggle is real people! I cannot express enough the struggle of my own demons are coming full force to try or maybe succeed in destroying me... destroying us! I feel it everyday and I'm terrified everyday, and I haven't said anything to anyone because I know that if I do.. what difference does it make? people will silence me but not reassure me.
I haven't heard from my partner in days... and theres a reason for it...but in the absence the struggle continues flooding through me each day.. I keep trying to replay the same information in my head, the good advice I was given last week about having the strength in these times, and to not let our love faulter or whatever the fuck it means, I don't know, I just know how i feel.. and how hard it is for me.. I wrote something today, which I'll repeat here because for the first time it made sense... "I am only afraid that someone else will capture your heart that no no matter how much you say it belong to me, which...by the way you've never said"
When i wrote that today I realized... it's truth.. besides her and her ILY which apparently should mean everything, and include everything.. it doesn't make as much difference...how does she pass the time in not talking to me, Not hearing from me? last time she went through this she almost was too nervous to even see me, so what if that's the case.
or like over the weekend and how awkward she was acting, and how it made me wonder, worry and have concerns did I realize I seen what I seen? or felt what I felt? or sense what I sense? and now that I have only that to replay off of from our time together i start to doubt. i start to wonder.. and I lose my faith.. the one thing I've been repeatedly tested on.. I just... I don't want to walk away, I don't want to give up, but i need to know... what is worth holding onto? why are we worth living for one another? why are we in one another's lives? she said she is doing all this to live for me? but if that were truth? AM i being selfish!!! AM I being selfish when I should be letting her go? should I let her fade? should I let her make the decision that she is holding onto this idea of us? an maybe she should let go?
So truth is this! the truth is she said she's fighting to live.. to physically live... for me.. she said I am the only reason she is fighting to stay in this world..but truth be... should I not be forcing her to make this decision? should I tell her that I'll approve her letting go? I don't know...
Is it selfish of me? because i demanded forever and always but what if her forever is not as long as mine? should I let her be comfortable letting go?
Or should I have faith that we will get through everything... I thought we had it all.. I thought this was it. I thought this love was THE love.. But...
It's short lived...if this is it.. and I don't know how to let go.. and i don't know...how do you decide when to let go! I don't fuckin know what the right decision is!
Tell me!! What decision is right.. when I look at her, when I hold her hand, or kiss her lips, all our love envelopes me and surrounds me in every way that I cannot explain, she said she loves me more than I love her, I accept any love at all.. but not in this moment...
The silence is killing me...and the fact that I haven't told anyone.. haven't talked to anyone...haven't even reached out... I don't fuckin know what to do! I
I'll read another thing I stole from a show...
"You've always believed in me, and I believe in you. When you believe in someone its not for a minute, its forever. I promise I'll always have your back as you will always have mine"
I wrote this to her repeatedly... my love eternal..but..right now.. I'm struggling to believe because I don't know what the right decision is..she is fighting with every breath to stay with me..and I don't know if I should force that of her you know?
Does that make sense
Im crying...I'm struggling... an I need some serious reassurance, love and support.
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