It's been one of those days and I have to say I'm absolutely tired of these BS days! I repeatedly feel like I try. I try beyond all trying can ever be and no matter what I do I am failing, falling short, or suffering in some BS way!
I feel so exhausted from feeling this way, I try to wake up! I try to wake up and say today will be a better day, today I'll make the choice to do better.. and sometimes it goes well and other's I'm just ready to give up! I am trying so hard to hold it together.. I feel like I'm tearing at the seams.
you know we are going onto whatever amount of months that it counts.. we had all these plans, all these BS ideas that nothing is coming through, and I feel like no matter what I say, or do I fail. no matter what.. and I'm so toned to silence that I hear them as arguments, or silent hatred for something I've clearly done yet again.. and reality is none of this is likely true!
But it's killing me....
I literally cannot figure out what to do, how to help, how to support.. you know when we met the best support I was was just being there for her, in person, chillin with her when she felt alone, or lonely.. and now those days are gone... meaning I am not asked to be there... I'm there in some BS text message, and it's pissing me off.... I tell her I want to stop texting, I want us to be able to talk, communicate, to move forward... why do we speak about forever if we aren't willing to try it?
I don't know why we talk about forever. I dont know why we feel what we feel, or how do we have the right to even think this could be it.
I remmeber when I met her I remember our first interactions were fun but vanilla... it only became fun when she opened up to me, and then when I started to show my true colors about the person that I am! the person I've always been, I guess I'm one of those wears heart on my sleeve, because apparently she knew she wanted me more than just one night stand, she knew that from the time we met..
I knew there was not a chance in hell I'd ever be where I am now.. and yet here we are...
I get frustrated and upset easily. and I get hurt easily. I get intimated easily.. I see the ways she changes me, and i see the ways she lets me remain the same, but I wish that I knew her better.. even though she says i do, I feel like I don't. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.. as much as I know her, I don't know her. because...she knows I'll drive over at 2am to be with her for 5 mins, or I'll drive hours just to keep her safe, just as when my bs nights happened she came right over, and comforted me.. it was then that I knew that I wanted her in my life as well..
and the recent hospital visit..did it all in for me... only one person ever showed up for me and she isn't living here anymore.
I don't know... I don't know what to think anymore.. I have all these thoughts, bulshit Perceptions about who we are, what we are, why we are?
WHy me! what is that I am worthy of this?
reality is... I've been dealt some really shitty cards in my life, most people have their own story to tell, but I am one of the most caring people in the world...
Like her... I'd give someone the shirt off my back, I'd give my soul or whatever it took for her to have one day of peace, in all the turmoil she has faced, or continues to face, I don't know how or what i can offer her that would make it worthy of love?
how can she love the pieces of me... and i say pieces because there are darkness about me, there is the beast of me that lives within me... that daily BS mark that says do something to screw this up, say something, react to that, or some bs whatever I can to make it worse... to make it bad.. but I fight all my urges because SOMETIMES i can see or sense that it is not me who is thinking these things..
right now... it's hard to stay positive what is the point!!!! I replay music to replay memories of times we've had, I close my eyes an remember the good moments, the laughter, but I also remember that we aren't together all the time, and that is good but it also breaks us because moments like now...why would someone choose to be alone? because it's been her way for so long, but reality is now I'm here, an I'm willing to be here and it's not enough? I don't know....
I'm struggling with the silence... taking it as though something terrible is happening, has happened or is about to come around the corner, for her to say or do something that ruins us..but that's a reaction to past relationships.....
proven over and over she is with me.. for whatever reason that she has chosen to stay with me.. I did not force this, I did not chase her, I let her come back, or we let one another come back, and for the first few weeks it was hard...we both fought our own demons, and the demons of one another.. and now we're both fighting and illness whatever kind but still illness.. I tell her that mine gets me lost, mine gets me confused, and I get all these thoughts, or no thoughts at all, or days where I can't get up, can't eat, can't drink, can't sleep, just sit here staring at the wall.
we both knew what we were getting ourselves into.. at least I like to think we did... I just dont know how to keep it real, keep it going, when the silence happens, I don't want to argue, I don't want to drudge up the past, but I want to mvoe forward, as I've repeatedly told her.. I was willing to do all this crap, do whatever it took to make us work, to make us move forward...
IDK...... I'm struggling.... It seems it's always me that is struggling, it's always in my head, I am always the one who is stuck here, or in this moment? I don't know....
what do I do..what should I think! what can I say? what can I be? how can I be of service.
I am suffocating here... I want something, anything that gives me what I need fort this moment and time.'
Just..............give me an ounce of reassurance just once...just let me feel what I've been praising you for all day, why not give me that! just this once? in all the pain, in all teh bS why not give me a moment of peace?
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