I guess I'm at a breaking point at the moment.. I totally just spent two weeks trying to be silent.. trying to let this blow over. trying to be understanding what will happen if and when I decide to say anything. I knew that me deciding to say anything will ruin everything, but I needed something.. I needed anything.
I have been struggling for weeks, having people tell me to stand by and let this go as it goes, and stay strong..like it's that easy..
I tried to distract myself.. I tried to not think about it but being stuck at home, being stuck in my head, and not having anyone to talk to about it.. I finally said stuff, obviously in ALL THE WRONG ways THATS what I DO!!!
I don't know how to word things, I don't know how to talk... I don't know how word things, to listen. IDK.
i basically said that I feel like I don't matter.. and that everyone whos anyone has said I do, but that she needs to focus on herself..but in focusing on herself.. you'd think there would be time here and there for a call, or text, or anything of an update... instead...it's been silence..
How can you care for somoene and comepletly shut them out of your life?
HOw can anyone want to walk alone in pain and darkness.. I don't understand that life.. I don't understand willing to get bad news alone, I don't understand wanting to be alone all the time.. I don't understand we spent 3 months almost inseperable and now we barely spend time together, we barely talk, we barely are anything.. and yet because I've always wanted more..it's never enough..
Instead it's always about how selfish I am, or how I am such a downer, or whatveer the bs words she used.. then why stay!?
If you feel that way about someone why do you stay with them! I have stayed because I said I'll never go away again, as I said, I'll go when she sends me. but she isn't doing that either? WHY! what does she get from me that she doesn't get from anyone else? more clothes? more garbage? more nothing? I don't know.. I know for me.. this is garbage.... to see her in pain and suffering and not even be able to give her a moment of peace, a moment of happiness.. a moment of ANYTHING other than what she is feeing..
you know two weeks ago she said that spending time with me helped her, saying that she wasn't in as much pain but when she left me..she ended up in the hospital? than why leave me if I am supporting you by just being here.. why not come visit other than 2 days a week, why not be here with me? because of what! GAWD!
I can't be in a relationship where its two days a week we see or talk...or be together. I can't be in relationship where I'm on the sidelines without playing the game, I can't be put on the bench I have to be able to get in the game, I have to be able to matter..to make a difference..to make her happy.. make her feel ANYTHING other than pain.. but alls I do is make her feel pain. so then why stay with someone who does that to you? I don't get it. I dont get why you'd stay with someone you cant share moments with.. and just is me... I wish I never went back because clearly I'm not doing well enough, and less and less we are together, more and more I doubt, I grow my concerned. why are we even together? why wont she just let me go?
Seriously theres nothing good about us.. I thought there was.. >When i look back at our relationship and the things we've talked about, and the ways she would let me support her. I mattered. the way she spent time with me, or talked to me, or was there for me. and now theres nothing....nothing but pain and torment?
What the hell is the point? if I just am this way... I am not worthy of my own life.. I feel like I am a reminder of what she doesn't have? like a clean bill of health.. and how hard that must be..she's younger and suffered enough in her life, if I could take on her illness just so she can live in peace i would, I hate hearing her suffering..and not even being able to bring her any joy or happiness... it's not easy to live around, but I've been willing to go above and beyond to support her.. instead she keeps me at arms length and ONLY when she needs something will she let me closer, otherwise...its like shes home, and I'm at the window holding on for dear life, until she needs something from me does she let me in...but otherwise I'm constantly terrified.. IDK.
Im fucking fucked in the head adn Im losing my mind because I DON"T get what teh point of having me in her life is..if she is unwilling to let me be here, let me talk to her, see her, be a part of anything worth anything, but she says all these bs generaric things like I matter, but I don't.... if I did.. I'd be there by her side, supporting her, loving her, whatever the hell that looks like.. instead we are barely talking, we don't see one another...we celebrated our 6 month anniversary..with nada..except sleepin....i bought her a bnch of random shit..but I had a plan..that didn't get to work through because she's going through this illness.. and it's hard to be understanding..when I don't know what it is, adn I don't know how to support her, be here for her...I am struggling with the constant silence.. I need more than that.. I can't let that be how we are, because I grew up with that, and I refuse to let that be a part of my future.. its not healthy to have the silence.
IM struggling, I'm hurting, and I don't know how to make it through another day like this
ANYONE have any TV suggestions to throw my way please let me know..I need NEED the DISTRACTION from my shitty life right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment