Im in a weird head space... common I guess.. but I'm realizing that I don't know why she would want to be with me but not be with me.. what I mean by that.. we are together have been and the last few months hasn't been that much fun... I don't get to see her everyday, random texts but not really connected.. we are together but not together.. at this stage in our relationship I guess I expected the whole package... recently we were talking and of course when we get to talking forever always comes up, and she continued to hint at marriage, or whatever.. and I realize now.. I don't know what that would look like
is there a reason besides her health issues why she won't come to me, be with me, talk to me, let me in her life. it really bothers me.. maybe its my own fault, maybe because I bailed on her once that she thinks I'd do it again. with the ways things have been going I feel like it.. it's hard to stay strong, it's hard to not have needs, and I don't mean sexual, I mean meaningful, connection with the person I allegedly am spending the rest of my life with, and every time I try to bring it up.. I allegedly am being selfish.. because I want time.. I want her with me.. I want her to spend time with us at home like we used too, I want to sleep in my bed.. wake up with her.
I want to make plans that aren't maybe.. but guarantees.. I want to spend the time I have on the earth with the person I love.. and yet in saying that.. I have to mindful.
my partner is going through some serious medical issues...I understand..but the thing is.. she is able to fully function going to work, and making mostly all her appts, but when it comes to spending time with the person she allegedly loves...there's no time, there's too mcuh energy in wanting her to come lay next to me, or come watch a movie, or go to the park, or sit in a dark room, where we have AC, I don't get it.. but in writing it out..maybe thats the answer..
Reading that she has all these important things but then when it comes to me she doesn't have time.. recently what had stuck with me.. was that she had said "I dont have time to entertain you when Im dealing wtih my own health issues" not exact words but basically saying I wasn't important enough for her to talk to, text or call because Im not good enough.
then on another conversation she had said something, then it was this shit about getting married.. I feel like Im not in a relationship that is meaningful or good. when we first got together it was good, we helepd, supported, adn appreciated one another.
I want to be those things for her now but she's made it clear that I can't, or she won't allow me. every time I try to talk to her, it ends up an argument.. and/or I am being selfish for asking for time, for asking for her energy to be with me.
people ask why do I stay.. why am I not running..
Answer is the same.. I love her. what she is going through is super shitty and she should not have to go through that alone, and even though majority of the time she won't let me be there for her, I am with her, I send her messages, keep her as uplifted as I can.
She tells me that she is only doing all this to live for me.. keeping her promise to stand by me, loving me or whatever.
I don't know what the truth is behind why she won't walk away. I don't know if I should believe her.
I did once.. I remember I wrote about having faith in her love.. and I did, I do. but it's waivering because she is leaving me in the dark like this, and leaving me outside looking in, not completely or fully satisfied and I don't get the reason for that, I don't understand why someone would want to stand alone, but again maybe it's because I bailed on her before so maybe she's waiting for that? even though I won't...
I'll suffer here on my own.. hoping an waiting for this shitty painful chapter to end, so we can get onto the happiness we both deserve..
i feel like that's the other reason I stay.. is because this isn't our forever, this is but a chapter in our lives of forever, adn we have to be strong, we have to endure, adn then the good fruits of standing here alone will bear.. and we will be able to live in our happiness?
IDK
Im hurt right now.. and apart from cutting.. I don't know what else to do.. I won't talk to friends about us because their answer always the same, and I don't want that, if I did..then maybe I wouldn't be here still..
can't she just love me.. want to be with me? come around? why does she let herself suffer alone.. why won't she let me in this part of her life...
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