Monday, August 1, 2016

my journey

Well world... I set out on this trip recently to go visit my father's grave... i originally had planned to go with my best friend, my lady, my ultimate everything..heart and soul.. anyway that didn't end up happening..
let me say doing this journey alone was very reckless.. I could have been killed, I could've been in a car accident.. there was only one person who knew where I was..
But that being said.. I made it there and back safely... I don't know what I set out on this journey to accomplish besides visiting my father's gravesite.
I'll say I've discovered some things about myself.. I decided when I die.. Not only will I want all my items destroyed! the only thing that will be divided is my money.. an maybe pictures that can be duplicated. but other than that there is no reason for any of the rest of anything. After all my items are destroyed, burned, melted down metals, and thrown everything away! I want to be cremated.. I want to be cremated and either my ashes get poured out in Lake Ontario I believe.. In Ontario near the New Life Girls home.. if not there.. than in Trinidad and tabago.. As I've watched a documentary and heard the amazing beauty of turtles that are in the beach. i want my cremation to go there or NLGH. I don't want to be buried I don't want people to come visit a spot in the world where I'm rotting, I want them to know I'm everywhere.
I guess the other thing I realized.. is that the woman I love.. and I mean crazy head over heels love.. I decided I'd rather just love her? Can I just love her without anything happening.. can I just be able to appreciate who she is to me, and how she makes me feel? IDK if it's possible.. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to love, but right now.. she makes me smile, she makes my heart pitter patter.. lol she's beautiful, crazy, insane! but she makes me feel like a king, queen.
I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her laugh. I can't help but wish and want more but at the same time this type of love could be rare? I know I'm kidding myself but for right now let me feel what I feel and let that be it.
Other than love and journey.. I decided on my next tattoo.. although I say that a lot.. this time I mean it. haha. after my recent experience that has scarred myself and my lady.. I decided to get a tattoo of a stick man, holding a broken heart in his left hand, and a gun pointed at his head in the other. and that will be my illustration of "love hurts" haha. crazy insane right?
I've never been such an idiot. ok actually I have.. haha. but when it comes to my lady, I usually am pretty determined to love her always and forever..and all of a sudden this situation came up and for what feels like the first time.. I was ready to turn my back on her, and that is hard for me. this is the woman that has been through hell and back with me, she has been a light in my darkness, she has come to my hospital bedside when I tried to kill myself, she has been there for my achievements, my break ups. and all of a sudden this issue happens and I'm ready to drop her? it's probably because she knows me, she knows what she's talking about concerning me. but it's also probably because of the fight we were having... there's nothing like it, and i feel like right now.. I still have to be an idiot an worry and it's making me crazy. and I need this to end..
I wrote her while I was away, and she said all is forgiven..but I don't feel like it is.. I don't think I can forgive myself.. and I can't let it go.. lets hope time will free me from that feeling

as for this crazy psycho girl I love.. there is no one like her, I can't help but be more crazy about her. I love spending time with her, listening to her, almost like I make her nervous hahah.. she's funny she is crazy! and she makes me laugh! I feel fairly comfortable around her.. I tell her about some stuff I've done, and the darkness buried within me, and the recent mishap. I'm as honest as I can be.. an no matter what I say she is still there! she's still in my life! lets hope it'll pass.. lets hope I find someone to distract me! cause I can't seem to find anyone to distract her!.. haha.
I always think I can work through all these issues, I always think writing helps I don't know so much about it all anymore..
I feel like I've lost people to talk too..because of my own insanity, my own darkness.. i'm sure the world knows what that's like.. but to have to compartmentalize who I am with certain people, and only trusting certain others with the's been time consuming an I no longer feel like myself anymore. I know counselling is my next step.. but after the great and amazing woman I had in my life there is no one to compare to her magic that's like 6 years gone... :( an so its hard to just throw that away..or find someone who is as amazing as she was.. I'm glad she's moving forward and that she's doing amazing things..but I guess I miss her.. I miss her "smooth" talk and her willingness to be bold with me, tell me how it is even if it hurts.. she's the only person I've ever given one of my blades too that's rare and hard for me.. (attempts at change, which clearly failed)

I'll figure it out sooner or later

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