I don't know what to think about the last week! or since i said what i did.. My friends are now making me crazy saying that everything that's in my head is true! <3 :="" and="" around="" be="" likes="" me="" nbsp="" p="" she="" to="" wants="">I've basically spent every other day with her, and still talk to her every dang day! I think that I watch too much TV and from what I heard about TV is that there can come a point where she'll actually look at me, or else she'll use me,! OR she'll get to where I am..
I miss her.. already and it's only been an hour since she hadn't been around haha! I love her.. and I can't help but feel that when I see her, when I smile at her.. or when I hear about her life and her things, it's like my memory or my heart are placing them in a secret spot..
I can't continue writing this insanity because it'll eventually pass, she might give up on me and find someone else. haha. but she'll have a lot from me... I've bought her a lot of stuff, shared some emotional stuff, and I've devoted myself to her as much as I could! I can't help but want to make her happy, and if that happiness is not with me! then she'll find someone and I honestly MIGHT be ok with that..
As for my own addiction.. I guess I must say that I'm back into my old habits and that's hard for me because it's like opening a door, and every time I try shut it, something comes and blocks that, whether that be emotion, anger, frustration, anxiety and it's so easy to open that door...but it's so difficult to close it... and I haven't told anyone that I've done what I'm doing and I can't.. I'm too scared.. but at the same time when I see why I did what I did, when it started and how it felt... anyone in their right mind would've fell in their own stuff too..
I feel like a giant hole has been ripped out of my heart, and that I recently seen a picture that I thought could be a great tattoo, but my sexy lady doesn't want it... but it's a heart that has a blade ripping it, tearing it.. and I thought the blade would be important to portray because the blade in my life is so powerful, so difficult and such a huge part of my life...
I guess I'm still mending my heart... whether thats even F possible.. I'm so angry about everything that happened and how it all ended up.. If I was f smart and just spit the truth out, and if I wasn't so scared of what I'm at right now... everything would've worked out...and instead... I feel like a huge part of my life, and my heart are gone forever never to be found...
I guess it's keep moving forward right!.... there's nothing left in the world but keep moving forward!
Today I had a good day! today I was among friends, I was among the love of my life! I almost wanted to just take a picture to remember it forever, the feeling I feel right now of being in her life, and their lives.. I'm very grateful for the amazing people in my life! and I wish... I wish for so much! I was able to see a good movie, and I thought while watching the movie... there's insanity that completes all of us in some way!
Cause I always think... I don't think anyone is as crazy or insane as me.. there's gonna be no one who would understand my inanity.. but I guess maybe I was given hope.. but in that hope I don't want love forever... I don't want marriage or any of that.. there's too much in that.. but just to have someone I can rely on,be real with, and stay with forever maybe.. that'd be ok! and I guess I was given some hope that it could be possible!
Who is good enough, or how am I good enough for them>?
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