Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Losing my mind, searching for clarity

I guess i've been lying to myself.. thinking it's possible to love her without anything.. just imagine meeting someone who just is amazing.. beautiful.. and has the greatest smile ever. the more I've known her, the more I've been so crazy about her.
I thought I could just love her without anything.. I could just remain in her life without anything. but the reality is.. I can't.. the hold she has over my life.. I realize now this is F insane. but even with knowing these things imagine how hard it will be to walk away from all these things.. I thought distraction was what we needed, but maybe it's more than that.. I feel like an idiot.. because honestly for me to get her out of my life is to make her hate me.. but at the same time.. the things that she's said to me, I don't want to hurt her.. I can't.. I can't hurt her..but it's the only way I can guarantee that I can walk away..
I really feel like an idiot..You have no idea how I felt.. how I absolutely love her, I love her laugh, I love her making me laugh, I love her eyes, her weirdness.
i can't do it! I can't do it even if I wanted too! I have entwined my life with hers.. I feel as she wants me to, says what she wants.. F INSANE!
Can it just happen? can I just let it be? no I can't.. Today I was at a friend's chilling, sorta.. haha. and I honestly was losing it.. because she had said something in a joking manner that had me flip out.. An I don't know why I should care.. but i do care.. I can't help but care. She matters to me.. She matters a great deal to me, and I guess I've picked up some traits that I'm not proud of.. and I can't let her go.. and that scares the S outta me because I know how terrible this is and how terrible it could get.
But if only... only you could see.. her.. hear her talk, hear her laugh.. see her body language, see her nervous stuff, and her everything. I can't help but feel what I do.. and I can't continue to deny those feelings because she's absolutely amazing and I only hope that she finds someone, a man who can treat her in ways that I have but in more healthy relationships.as I am who I am.. and that's pretty dysfunctional in itself.
I honestly don't regret meeting her.. it's been really nice and amazing to smile the way I have, to feel what I feel.. it's been a long time since I felt the way I feel.. and to have her spend so much time with me.
Just a reminder it's because of her.. I've been able to have clarity about my funeral, my cremation, my everything.. I want everything destroyed, I don't want anyone having anything to fight over anything. I want to be cremated so that I'm not in a box rotting somewhere. I want my cremation to be where the turtles are, I absolutely love turtles.
Just the other day I was with her.. and we were talking about why I love turtles..and it all came back! it was in Ontario.. at NLGH.. I'd say was my first summer there? a snapping turtle came to the 6 acres of land there, and buried her eggs near Mary's office.. I wished and wanted so badly to protect the eggs, and to see the little turtles hatch and go to the lake.. but it didn't happen.. as I didn't know when turtles hatched.. and also we had foxes, and snakes in the area so they probably found the eggs. very few of them make it alive.. such a beauty.. and it's because of that one turtle.. that I fell in love with turtles.. I love their hard shell they can hide in, and that they are only vulnerable in certain areas. this describes a lot of who I am.
I'm very much a hard shell.. i am an introvert who's insane.. lol but if and when I do trust you.. my heart is in it fully. My love is unconditional.
I just got carried away.. haha.. I love turtles.. and I know where I'm at right now is not good. and that I need to figure this out asap.
On a side note.. I guess I know what I know. as I feel what i feel. I guess I should've been more honest about the relationship I had. this is something that cannot be forgiven..and the fact that I've heard nothing means i know what I know and feel it in my gut. so I guess after all this time has passed there's nothing left more? I think that's important to say because things don't last forever, things are temporary everything is temporary.. love lasts forever but we don't have too!
Its either time to move forward.. or crash an burn all together..because for what feels like the first time in a long time I have some serious sh going on in my head and I actually don't have anyone to talk too..and yes that was a choice.. and even if I choose different I'm pretty sure I'm a bit more unstable that something not good would happen!.
i wish it was easier than this.. Idk what to do anymore... and Idk how to get this shi outta my head or heart.
Keep Moving Forward or FTW!

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