Friday, July 29, 2016

Heavy Heart

I can't sleep.. Its officially Friday.. I was told not to talk about nothing give it a day. In the last twenty four hours I have managed to make some regrettable decisions, withdraw from my addiction, and confess my love to this psycho lady thats in my life.
An yet.. my heart is still broken, still I feel shattered.. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel like I brought this on myself, and now I have to live with this. I can't force my mind to not think of all the things that I'm thinking. I wish I didn't know anything.
I'm about ready to cancel my trip, I'm about ready to cancel my life. The worst part is not having anyone to talk about it.. I truly took Jess for granted, and I avoided her so much because I hated how well she knew me.. but she is the only woman I can trust, she's the only voice I need to hear. I don't know myself as well as she does. You know so many people may think they know me but they don't, not like Jess.
I honestly and truly don't understand what the big deal would be about my life ending. I'm alone, I don't spend time with friends, family, all's I talk about is stress, work, and the TV shows I watch. I  know I'm just being insanely crazy but if this echo in my mind I need to let it out somewhere.
I just feel like I've lost all purpose.. that if my cats weren't here.. I'd pack up and leave.. not that I can do better anywhere else.. but I feel like I no longer matter here.
Once upon a time.. I had purpose.. I had a bright beautiful future. I destroyed it all, and then I failed and in that failure I decided to work full-time.
The only good thing about this job.. is the tenants I deal with, are basically people who respect me. my favourite thing about them is that I can walk down the street an everyone who knows me wants to say hi, they aren't turning the other way. In all my insanity I've managed to nearly treat everyone with respect and it's been returned to me. And also with this job it's giving me this great honour in being able to get my father this headstone.
I also have a vehicle, and a apartment because of this job.
The best part is hopefully.. with speaking this truth to that psycho lady, maybe she'll see what I've been saying, an that IDK! But at the same time! If I told you! if I told you what has happened in the last seven months, what has changed, what has been... I can't get it out of my mind. and IDK what I'm gonna do.. or what's gonna happen.. I wish I could.. I just need to take a break.. maybe it'll be good.. for both of us.. to be apart.. lol..
I just don't know.. I don't know what to do anymore. and I am back to my old ways, and for once again the first time... I have no one to turn too. I don't trust anyone in my life
The worst part is I basically chose this.. I chose to not go out, I chose not to socialize. I chose to let my anxiety sabotage everything good about me.
On top of it.. I can't even talk about it anymore
Love is pain... Love = pain
I hope that if I go on this trip that I can get some clarity... to find some peace, to find some sort of silver lining.. because right about now I'm completely shattered, and fragile. and if... I just can't handle anything more..
trying to move forward

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