Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Old Habits

the time has come to me so clear as the blue sky.. I hate to admit it all.. but I have too.. it's clenching at my heart and soul, a darkness enveloping in my soul.. this is how bad things happen.
I didn't go crazy today. but I went crazy tonight.. haha.. looking at my blade the one thing I've likely held onto for years, recently I almost lost it.. and found it in my Van.. haha. it's starting to break.. the anxiety in my heart for the idea of losing something that matters so much to me.. an addiction that I've had for over 17 yrs of my life.
It's the hardest thing when people say why don't you just hit a punching bag, scream in a pillow, or write.. haha.. if only it were that easy! If it were that easy I wouldn't be doing what I do.. there is no greater feeling for me then to stick a blade in my arm and let the blood flow. I hate saying that, with quiver in my voice, and shame on my face.. I'm struggling with this right now.. it's how I'm dealing with my frustrations? my emotions? my love and hate...for myself and those that are in my life.
I honestly hardly remember what it was like to be happy? to be in a good place that was so entangled with lies, manipulation, and whatever.. In such clarity I'm beginning to see the insanity in my head, the reality of the world. and the idiots i've let come into my life.
There's nothing anyone can say to help me be released from this insane grip... so instead of me saying anything.. I'm gonna be weird and do something weird.. I don't know much about mash up videos but its whats on my mind.. as I think of what I feel I see movies, tv shows I've seen in the past.. and I'm gonna find a way to combine them all.. that will be my expression of how I'm feeling right now.. IDK if that's even possible.. but I've got to distract myself with something because I'm hurting right now.. and I need to not feel what I feel..

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