I don't know what to think about the last week! or since i said what i did.. My friends are now making me crazy saying that everything that's in my head is true! <3 :="" and="" around="" be="" likes="" me="" nbsp="" p="" she="" to="" wants="">I've basically spent every other day with her, and still talk to her every dang day! I think that I watch too much TV and from what I heard about TV is that there can come a point where she'll actually look at me, or else she'll use me,! OR she'll get to where I am..
I miss her.. already and it's only been an hour since she hadn't been around haha! I love her.. and I can't help but feel that when I see her, when I smile at her.. or when I hear about her life and her things, it's like my memory or my heart are placing them in a secret spot..
I can't continue writing this insanity because it'll eventually pass, she might give up on me and find someone else. haha. but she'll have a lot from me... I've bought her a lot of stuff, shared some emotional stuff, and I've devoted myself to her as much as I could! I can't help but want to make her happy, and if that happiness is not with me! then she'll find someone and I honestly MIGHT be ok with that..
As for my own addiction.. I guess I must say that I'm back into my old habits and that's hard for me because it's like opening a door, and every time I try shut it, something comes and blocks that, whether that be emotion, anger, frustration, anxiety and it's so easy to open that door...but it's so difficult to close it... and I haven't told anyone that I've done what I'm doing and I can't.. I'm too scared.. but at the same time when I see why I did what I did, when it started and how it felt... anyone in their right mind would've fell in their own stuff too..
I feel like a giant hole has been ripped out of my heart, and that I recently seen a picture that I thought could be a great tattoo, but my sexy lady doesn't want it... but it's a heart that has a blade ripping it, tearing it.. and I thought the blade would be important to portray because the blade in my life is so powerful, so difficult and such a huge part of my life...
I guess I'm still mending my heart... whether thats even F possible.. I'm so angry about everything that happened and how it all ended up.. If I was f smart and just spit the truth out, and if I wasn't so scared of what I'm at right now... everything would've worked out...and instead... I feel like a huge part of my life, and my heart are gone forever never to be found...
I guess it's keep moving forward right!.... there's nothing left in the world but keep moving forward!
Today I had a good day! today I was among friends, I was among the love of my life! I almost wanted to just take a picture to remember it forever, the feeling I feel right now of being in her life, and their lives.. I'm very grateful for the amazing people in my life! and I wish... I wish for so much! I was able to see a good movie, and I thought while watching the movie... there's insanity that completes all of us in some way!
Cause I always think... I don't think anyone is as crazy or insane as me.. there's gonna be no one who would understand my inanity.. but I guess maybe I was given hope.. but in that hope I don't want love forever... I don't want marriage or any of that.. there's too much in that.. but just to have someone I can rely on,be real with, and stay with forever maybe.. that'd be ok! and I guess I was given some hope that it could be possible!
Who is good enough, or how am I good enough for them>?
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Old Habits
the time has come to me so clear as the blue sky.. I hate to admit it all.. but I have too.. it's clenching at my heart and soul, a darkness enveloping in my soul.. this is how bad things happen.
I didn't go crazy today. but I went crazy tonight.. haha.. looking at my blade the one thing I've likely held onto for years, recently I almost lost it.. and found it in my Van.. haha. it's starting to break.. the anxiety in my heart for the idea of losing something that matters so much to me.. an addiction that I've had for over 17 yrs of my life.
It's the hardest thing when people say why don't you just hit a punching bag, scream in a pillow, or write.. haha.. if only it were that easy! If it were that easy I wouldn't be doing what I do.. there is no greater feeling for me then to stick a blade in my arm and let the blood flow. I hate saying that, with quiver in my voice, and shame on my face.. I'm struggling with this right now.. it's how I'm dealing with my frustrations? my emotions? my love and hate...for myself and those that are in my life.
I honestly hardly remember what it was like to be happy? to be in a good place that was so entangled with lies, manipulation, and whatever.. In such clarity I'm beginning to see the insanity in my head, the reality of the world. and the idiots i've let come into my life.
There's nothing anyone can say to help me be released from this insane grip... so instead of me saying anything.. I'm gonna be weird and do something weird.. I don't know much about mash up videos but its whats on my mind.. as I think of what I feel I see it...in movies, tv shows I've seen in the past.. and I'm gonna find a way to combine them all.. that will be my expression of how I'm feeling right now.. IDK if that's even possible.. but I've got to distract myself with something because I'm hurting right now.. and I need to not feel what I feel..
I didn't go crazy today. but I went crazy tonight.. haha.. looking at my blade the one thing I've likely held onto for years, recently I almost lost it.. and found it in my Van.. haha. it's starting to break.. the anxiety in my heart for the idea of losing something that matters so much to me.. an addiction that I've had for over 17 yrs of my life.
It's the hardest thing when people say why don't you just hit a punching bag, scream in a pillow, or write.. haha.. if only it were that easy! If it were that easy I wouldn't be doing what I do.. there is no greater feeling for me then to stick a blade in my arm and let the blood flow. I hate saying that, with quiver in my voice, and shame on my face.. I'm struggling with this right now.. it's how I'm dealing with my frustrations? my emotions? my love and hate...for myself and those that are in my life.
I honestly hardly remember what it was like to be happy? to be in a good place that was so entangled with lies, manipulation, and whatever.. In such clarity I'm beginning to see the insanity in my head, the reality of the world. and the idiots i've let come into my life.
There's nothing anyone can say to help me be released from this insane grip... so instead of me saying anything.. I'm gonna be weird and do something weird.. I don't know much about mash up videos but its whats on my mind.. as I think of what I feel I see it...in movies, tv shows I've seen in the past.. and I'm gonna find a way to combine them all.. that will be my expression of how I'm feeling right now.. IDK if that's even possible.. but I've got to distract myself with something because I'm hurting right now.. and I need to not feel what I feel..
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Losing my mind, searching for clarity
I guess i've been lying to myself.. thinking it's possible to love her without anything.. just imagine meeting someone who just is amazing.. beautiful.. and has the greatest smile ever. the more I've known her, the more I've been so crazy about her.
I thought I could just love her without anything.. I could just remain in her life without anything. but the reality is.. I can't.. the hold she has over my life.. I realize now this is F insane. but even with knowing these things imagine how hard it will be to walk away from all these things.. I thought distraction was what we needed, but maybe it's more than that.. I feel like an idiot.. because honestly for me to get her out of my life is to make her hate me.. but at the same time.. the things that she's said to me, I don't want to hurt her.. I can't.. I can't hurt her..but it's the only way I can guarantee that I can walk away..
I really feel like an idiot..You have no idea how I felt.. how I absolutely love her, I love her laugh, I love her making me laugh, I love her eyes, her weirdness.
i can't do it! I can't do it even if I wanted too! I have entwined my life with hers.. I feel as she wants me to, says what she wants.. F INSANE!
Can it just happen? can I just let it be? no I can't.. Today I was at a friend's chilling, sorta.. haha. and I honestly was losing it.. because she had said something in a joking manner that had me flip out.. An I don't know why I should care.. but i do care.. I can't help but care. She matters to me.. She matters a great deal to me, and I guess I've picked up some traits that I'm not proud of.. and I can't let her go.. and that scares the S outta me because I know how terrible this is and how terrible it could get.
But if only... only you could see.. her.. hear her talk, hear her laugh.. see her body language, see her nervous stuff, and her everything. I can't help but feel what I do.. and I can't continue to deny those feelings because she's absolutely amazing and I only hope that she finds someone, a man who can treat her in ways that I have but in more healthy relationships.as I am who I am.. and that's pretty dysfunctional in itself.
I honestly don't regret meeting her.. it's been really nice and amazing to smile the way I have, to feel what I feel.. it's been a long time since I felt the way I feel.. and to have her spend so much time with me.
Just a reminder it's because of her.. I've been able to have clarity about my funeral, my cremation, my everything.. I want everything destroyed, I don't want anyone having anything to fight over anything. I want to be cremated so that I'm not in a box rotting somewhere. I want my cremation to be where the turtles are, I absolutely love turtles.
Just the other day I was with her.. and we were talking about why I love turtles..and it all came back! it was in Ontario.. at NLGH.. I'd say was my first summer there? a snapping turtle came to the 6 acres of land there, and buried her eggs near Mary's office.. I wished and wanted so badly to protect the eggs, and to see the little turtles hatch and go to the lake.. but it didn't happen.. as I didn't know when turtles hatched.. and also we had foxes, and snakes in the area so they probably found the eggs. very few of them make it alive.. such a beauty.. and it's because of that one turtle.. that I fell in love with turtles.. I love their hard shell they can hide in, and that they are only vulnerable in certain areas. this describes a lot of who I am.
I'm very much a hard shell.. i am an introvert who's insane.. lol but if and when I do trust you.. my heart is in it fully. My love is unconditional.
I just got carried away.. haha.. I love turtles.. and I know where I'm at right now is not good. and that I need to figure this out asap.
On a side note.. I guess I know what I know. as I feel what i feel. I guess I should've been more honest about the relationship I had. this is something that cannot be forgiven..and the fact that I've heard nothing means i know what I know and feel it in my gut. so I guess after all this time has passed there's nothing left more? I think that's important to say because things don't last forever, things are temporary everything is temporary.. love lasts forever but we don't have too!
Its either time to move forward.. or crash an burn all together..because for what feels like the first time in a long time I have some serious sh going on in my head and I actually don't have anyone to talk too..and yes that was a choice.. and even if I choose different I'm pretty sure I'm a bit more unstable that something not good would happen!.
i wish it was easier than this.. Idk what to do anymore... and Idk how to get this shi outta my head or heart.
Keep Moving Forward or FTW!
I thought I could just love her without anything.. I could just remain in her life without anything. but the reality is.. I can't.. the hold she has over my life.. I realize now this is F insane. but even with knowing these things imagine how hard it will be to walk away from all these things.. I thought distraction was what we needed, but maybe it's more than that.. I feel like an idiot.. because honestly for me to get her out of my life is to make her hate me.. but at the same time.. the things that she's said to me, I don't want to hurt her.. I can't.. I can't hurt her..but it's the only way I can guarantee that I can walk away..
I really feel like an idiot..You have no idea how I felt.. how I absolutely love her, I love her laugh, I love her making me laugh, I love her eyes, her weirdness.
i can't do it! I can't do it even if I wanted too! I have entwined my life with hers.. I feel as she wants me to, says what she wants.. F INSANE!
Can it just happen? can I just let it be? no I can't.. Today I was at a friend's chilling, sorta.. haha. and I honestly was losing it.. because she had said something in a joking manner that had me flip out.. An I don't know why I should care.. but i do care.. I can't help but care. She matters to me.. She matters a great deal to me, and I guess I've picked up some traits that I'm not proud of.. and I can't let her go.. and that scares the S outta me because I know how terrible this is and how terrible it could get.
But if only... only you could see.. her.. hear her talk, hear her laugh.. see her body language, see her nervous stuff, and her everything. I can't help but feel what I do.. and I can't continue to deny those feelings because she's absolutely amazing and I only hope that she finds someone, a man who can treat her in ways that I have but in more healthy relationships.as I am who I am.. and that's pretty dysfunctional in itself.
I honestly don't regret meeting her.. it's been really nice and amazing to smile the way I have, to feel what I feel.. it's been a long time since I felt the way I feel.. and to have her spend so much time with me.
Just a reminder it's because of her.. I've been able to have clarity about my funeral, my cremation, my everything.. I want everything destroyed, I don't want anyone having anything to fight over anything. I want to be cremated so that I'm not in a box rotting somewhere. I want my cremation to be where the turtles are, I absolutely love turtles.
Just the other day I was with her.. and we were talking about why I love turtles..and it all came back! it was in Ontario.. at NLGH.. I'd say was my first summer there? a snapping turtle came to the 6 acres of land there, and buried her eggs near Mary's office.. I wished and wanted so badly to protect the eggs, and to see the little turtles hatch and go to the lake.. but it didn't happen.. as I didn't know when turtles hatched.. and also we had foxes, and snakes in the area so they probably found the eggs. very few of them make it alive.. such a beauty.. and it's because of that one turtle.. that I fell in love with turtles.. I love their hard shell they can hide in, and that they are only vulnerable in certain areas. this describes a lot of who I am.
I'm very much a hard shell.. i am an introvert who's insane.. lol but if and when I do trust you.. my heart is in it fully. My love is unconditional.
I just got carried away.. haha.. I love turtles.. and I know where I'm at right now is not good. and that I need to figure this out asap.
On a side note.. I guess I know what I know. as I feel what i feel. I guess I should've been more honest about the relationship I had. this is something that cannot be forgiven..and the fact that I've heard nothing means i know what I know and feel it in my gut. so I guess after all this time has passed there's nothing left more? I think that's important to say because things don't last forever, things are temporary everything is temporary.. love lasts forever but we don't have too!
Its either time to move forward.. or crash an burn all together..because for what feels like the first time in a long time I have some serious sh going on in my head and I actually don't have anyone to talk too..and yes that was a choice.. and even if I choose different I'm pretty sure I'm a bit more unstable that something not good would happen!.
i wish it was easier than this.. Idk what to do anymore... and Idk how to get this shi outta my head or heart.
Keep Moving Forward or FTW!
Monday, August 1, 2016
my journey
Well world... I set out on this trip recently to go visit my father's grave... i originally had planned to go with my best friend, my lady, my ultimate everything..heart and soul.. anyway that didn't end up happening..
let me say doing this journey alone was very reckless.. I could have been killed, I could've been in a car accident.. there was only one person who knew where I was..
But that being said.. I made it there and back safely... I don't know what I set out on this journey to accomplish besides visiting my father's gravesite.
I'll say I've discovered some things about myself.. I decided when I die.. Not only will I want all my items destroyed! the only thing that will be divided is my money.. an maybe pictures that can be duplicated. but other than that there is no reason for any of the rest of anything. After all my items are destroyed, burned, melted down metals, and thrown everything away! I want to be cremated.. I want to be cremated and either my ashes get poured out in Lake Ontario I believe.. In Ontario near the New Life Girls home.. if not there.. than in Trinidad and tabago.. As I've watched a documentary and heard the amazing beauty of turtles that are in the beach. i want my cremation to go there or NLGH. I don't want to be buried I don't want people to come visit a spot in the world where I'm rotting, I want them to know I'm everywhere.
I guess the other thing I realized.. is that the woman I love.. and I mean crazy head over heels love.. I decided I'd rather just love her? Can I just love her without anything happening.. can I just be able to appreciate who she is to me, and how she makes me feel? IDK if it's possible.. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to love, but right now.. she makes me smile, she makes my heart pitter patter.. lol she's beautiful, crazy, insane! but she makes me feel like a king, queen.
I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her laugh. I can't help but wish and want more but at the same time this type of love could be rare? I know I'm kidding myself but for right now let me feel what I feel and let that be it.
Other than love and journey.. I decided on my next tattoo.. although I say that a lot.. this time I mean it. haha. after my recent experience that has scarred myself and my lady.. I decided to get a tattoo of a stick man, holding a broken heart in his left hand, and a gun pointed at his head in the other. and that will be my illustration of "love hurts" haha. crazy insane right?
I've never been such an idiot. ok actually I have.. haha. but when it comes to my lady, I usually am pretty determined to love her always and forever..and all of a sudden this situation came up and for what feels like the first time.. I was ready to turn my back on her, and that is hard for me. this is the woman that has been through hell and back with me, she has been a light in my darkness, she has come to my hospital bedside when I tried to kill myself, she has been there for my achievements, my break ups. and all of a sudden this issue happens and I'm ready to drop her? it's probably because she knows me, she knows what she's talking about concerning me. but it's also probably because of the fight we were having... there's nothing like it, and i feel like right now.. I still have to be an idiot an worry and it's making me crazy. and I need this to end..
I wrote her while I was away, and she said all is forgiven..but I don't feel like it is.. I don't think I can forgive myself.. and I can't let it go.. lets hope time will free me from that feeling
as for this crazy psycho girl I love.. there is no one like her, I can't help but be more crazy about her. I love spending time with her, listening to her, almost like I make her nervous hahah.. she's funny she is crazy! and she makes me laugh! I feel fairly comfortable around her.. I tell her about some stuff I've done, and the darkness buried within me, and the recent mishap. I'm as honest as I can be.. an no matter what I say she is still there! she's still in my life! lets hope it'll pass.. lets hope I find someone to distract me! cause I can't seem to find anyone to distract her!.. haha.
I always think I can work through all these issues, I always think writing helps I don't know so much about it all anymore..
I feel like I've lost people to talk too..because of my own insanity, my own darkness.. i'm sure the world knows what that's like.. but to have to compartmentalize who I am with certain people, and only trusting certain others with the truth..it's been time consuming an I no longer feel like myself anymore. I know counselling is my next step.. but after the great and amazing woman I had in my life there is no one to compare to her magic that's like 6 years gone... :( an so its hard to just throw that away..or find someone who is as amazing as she was.. I'm glad she's moving forward and that she's doing amazing things..but I guess I miss her.. I miss her "smooth" talk and her willingness to be bold with me, tell me how it is even if it hurts.. she's the only person I've ever given one of my blades too that's rare and hard for me.. (attempts at change, which clearly failed)
I'll figure it out sooner or later
let me say doing this journey alone was very reckless.. I could have been killed, I could've been in a car accident.. there was only one person who knew where I was..
But that being said.. I made it there and back safely... I don't know what I set out on this journey to accomplish besides visiting my father's gravesite.
I'll say I've discovered some things about myself.. I decided when I die.. Not only will I want all my items destroyed! the only thing that will be divided is my money.. an maybe pictures that can be duplicated. but other than that there is no reason for any of the rest of anything. After all my items are destroyed, burned, melted down metals, and thrown everything away! I want to be cremated.. I want to be cremated and either my ashes get poured out in Lake Ontario I believe.. In Ontario near the New Life Girls home.. if not there.. than in Trinidad and tabago.. As I've watched a documentary and heard the amazing beauty of turtles that are in the beach. i want my cremation to go there or NLGH. I don't want to be buried I don't want people to come visit a spot in the world where I'm rotting, I want them to know I'm everywhere.
I guess the other thing I realized.. is that the woman I love.. and I mean crazy head over heels love.. I decided I'd rather just love her? Can I just love her without anything happening.. can I just be able to appreciate who she is to me, and how she makes me feel? IDK if it's possible.. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to love, but right now.. she makes me smile, she makes my heart pitter patter.. lol she's beautiful, crazy, insane! but she makes me feel like a king, queen.
I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her laugh. I can't help but wish and want more but at the same time this type of love could be rare? I know I'm kidding myself but for right now let me feel what I feel and let that be it.
Other than love and journey.. I decided on my next tattoo.. although I say that a lot.. this time I mean it. haha. after my recent experience that has scarred myself and my lady.. I decided to get a tattoo of a stick man, holding a broken heart in his left hand, and a gun pointed at his head in the other. and that will be my illustration of "love hurts" haha. crazy insane right?
I've never been such an idiot. ok actually I have.. haha. but when it comes to my lady, I usually am pretty determined to love her always and forever..and all of a sudden this situation came up and for what feels like the first time.. I was ready to turn my back on her, and that is hard for me. this is the woman that has been through hell and back with me, she has been a light in my darkness, she has come to my hospital bedside when I tried to kill myself, she has been there for my achievements, my break ups. and all of a sudden this issue happens and I'm ready to drop her? it's probably because she knows me, she knows what she's talking about concerning me. but it's also probably because of the fight we were having... there's nothing like it, and i feel like right now.. I still have to be an idiot an worry and it's making me crazy. and I need this to end..
I wrote her while I was away, and she said all is forgiven..but I don't feel like it is.. I don't think I can forgive myself.. and I can't let it go.. lets hope time will free me from that feeling
as for this crazy psycho girl I love.. there is no one like her, I can't help but be more crazy about her. I love spending time with her, listening to her, almost like I make her nervous hahah.. she's funny she is crazy! and she makes me laugh! I feel fairly comfortable around her.. I tell her about some stuff I've done, and the darkness buried within me, and the recent mishap. I'm as honest as I can be.. an no matter what I say she is still there! she's still in my life! lets hope it'll pass.. lets hope I find someone to distract me! cause I can't seem to find anyone to distract her!.. haha.
I always think I can work through all these issues, I always think writing helps I don't know so much about it all anymore..
I feel like I've lost people to talk too..because of my own insanity, my own darkness.. i'm sure the world knows what that's like.. but to have to compartmentalize who I am with certain people, and only trusting certain others with the truth..it's been time consuming an I no longer feel like myself anymore. I know counselling is my next step.. but after the great and amazing woman I had in my life there is no one to compare to her magic that's like 6 years gone... :( an so its hard to just throw that away..or find someone who is as amazing as she was.. I'm glad she's moving forward and that she's doing amazing things..but I guess I miss her.. I miss her "smooth" talk and her willingness to be bold with me, tell me how it is even if it hurts.. she's the only person I've ever given one of my blades too that's rare and hard for me.. (attempts at change, which clearly failed)
I'll figure it out sooner or later
Friday, July 29, 2016
Heavy Heart
I can't sleep.. Its officially Friday.. I was told not to talk about nothing give it a day. In the last twenty four hours I have managed to make some regrettable decisions, withdraw from my addiction, and confess my love to this psycho lady thats in my life.
An yet.. my heart is still broken, still I feel shattered.. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel like I brought this on myself, and now I have to live with this. I can't force my mind to not think of all the things that I'm thinking. I wish I didn't know anything.
I'm about ready to cancel my trip, I'm about ready to cancel my life. The worst part is not having anyone to talk about it.. I truly took Jess for granted, and I avoided her so much because I hated how well she knew me.. but she is the only woman I can trust, she's the only voice I need to hear. I don't know myself as well as she does. You know so many people may think they know me but they don't, not like Jess.
I honestly and truly don't understand what the big deal would be about my life ending. I'm alone, I don't spend time with friends, family, all's I talk about is stress, work, and the TV shows I watch. I know I'm just being insanely crazy but if this echo in my mind I need to let it out somewhere.
I just feel like I've lost all purpose.. that if my cats weren't here.. I'd pack up and leave.. not that I can do better anywhere else.. but I feel like I no longer matter here.
Once upon a time.. I had purpose.. I had a bright beautiful future. I destroyed it all, and then I failed and in that failure I decided to work full-time.
The only good thing about this job.. is the tenants I deal with, are basically people who respect me. my favourite thing about them is that I can walk down the street an everyone who knows me wants to say hi, they aren't turning the other way. In all my insanity I've managed to nearly treat everyone with respect and it's been returned to me. And also with this job it's giving me this great honour in being able to get my father this headstone.
I also have a vehicle, and a apartment because of this job.
The best part is hopefully.. with speaking this truth to that psycho lady, maybe she'll see what I've been saying, an that IDK! But at the same time! If I told you! if I told you what has happened in the last seven months, what has changed, what has been... I can't get it out of my mind. and IDK what I'm gonna do.. or what's gonna happen.. I wish I could.. I just need to take a break.. maybe it'll be good.. for both of us.. to be apart.. lol..
I just don't know.. I don't know what to do anymore. and I am back to my old ways, and for once again the first time... I have no one to turn too. I don't trust anyone in my life
The worst part is I basically chose this.. I chose to not go out, I chose not to socialize. I chose to let my anxiety sabotage everything good about me.
On top of it.. I can't even talk about it anymore
Love is pain... Love = pain
I hope that if I go on this trip that I can get some clarity... to find some peace, to find some sort of silver lining.. because right about now I'm completely shattered, and fragile. and if... I just can't handle anything more..
trying to move forward
An yet.. my heart is still broken, still I feel shattered.. I feel disappointed and let down. I feel like I brought this on myself, and now I have to live with this. I can't force my mind to not think of all the things that I'm thinking. I wish I didn't know anything.
I'm about ready to cancel my trip, I'm about ready to cancel my life. The worst part is not having anyone to talk about it.. I truly took Jess for granted, and I avoided her so much because I hated how well she knew me.. but she is the only woman I can trust, she's the only voice I need to hear. I don't know myself as well as she does. You know so many people may think they know me but they don't, not like Jess.
I honestly and truly don't understand what the big deal would be about my life ending. I'm alone, I don't spend time with friends, family, all's I talk about is stress, work, and the TV shows I watch. I know I'm just being insanely crazy but if this echo in my mind I need to let it out somewhere.
I just feel like I've lost all purpose.. that if my cats weren't here.. I'd pack up and leave.. not that I can do better anywhere else.. but I feel like I no longer matter here.
Once upon a time.. I had purpose.. I had a bright beautiful future. I destroyed it all, and then I failed and in that failure I decided to work full-time.
The only good thing about this job.. is the tenants I deal with, are basically people who respect me. my favourite thing about them is that I can walk down the street an everyone who knows me wants to say hi, they aren't turning the other way. In all my insanity I've managed to nearly treat everyone with respect and it's been returned to me. And also with this job it's giving me this great honour in being able to get my father this headstone.
I also have a vehicle, and a apartment because of this job.
The best part is hopefully.. with speaking this truth to that psycho lady, maybe she'll see what I've been saying, an that IDK! But at the same time! If I told you! if I told you what has happened in the last seven months, what has changed, what has been... I can't get it out of my mind. and IDK what I'm gonna do.. or what's gonna happen.. I wish I could.. I just need to take a break.. maybe it'll be good.. for both of us.. to be apart.. lol..
I just don't know.. I don't know what to do anymore. and I am back to my old ways, and for once again the first time... I have no one to turn too. I don't trust anyone in my life
The worst part is I basically chose this.. I chose to not go out, I chose not to socialize. I chose to let my anxiety sabotage everything good about me.
On top of it.. I can't even talk about it anymore
Love is pain... Love = pain
I hope that if I go on this trip that I can get some clarity... to find some peace, to find some sort of silver lining.. because right about now I'm completely shattered, and fragile. and if... I just can't handle anything more..
trying to move forward
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Pain Killer
It all back fired.. .everyone who's anyone who knows anything about what I did today.. It all went wrong, it all went terrible. My trip well I might cancel it or go solo.. There are voices in my head, and a strong desire of stuff.. and depression..
I'm in love with a woman who I cannot love, and i cannot escape her because she is absolutely amazing and she doesn't even know it.. and that's honestly what i love about her. I need her out of my life because she's making me crazy.. I can't think or see straight, I can't find my own centre. I can't feel free. So I planned something completely stupid.. and it back fired.
The end result, a bleeding wrist not sucidal, but for those that know me.. self-harm is my escape from everything, its not about dying but helping what I'm feeling be more real to me, or to even cause myself more harm for what I've done
I bet it's impossible for me to lose my best friend over this argument.. but I'll definitely lose something between us, and I'm not sure I can talk to her, or deal with her or be around her right now. She was the bff who was supposed to go with me to see my dad.. not that we had a huge plan, and that's partly what I love about it all.
But after today.. I can't think straight, I can't see the silver lining, and I can't see a joy or beauty in the world. all's I can see is darkness, all's I feel is pain.. an I'm being strangled repeatedly, as I breath more and more the light within me is being dimmed, burned, gone
Everyone in there stupid fucking bulshit stating that this will pass like it always does... but it doesn't feel that way! I don't see light, I don't see reason, and the people who fucking have been there for me all of a sudden aren't and now I'm alone..and being alone means very bad things!
I admitted to this woman I'm infatuated, or crazy about. I finally said it to her. I can't do it anymore. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I need her to be out of my life. and that I'm also going to destroy my phone..lol I really want too.
I want to delete all forms of communication with my friends and i.. because it's what's best for this time or right now.. I reached out to my friend, the one who always shows me clarity in the tough love kinda way.. but I love is that I don't give her a chance to respond I just pretend I do.. because I want to sabotage any chance anyone has of stopping me from doing what I do
All week this week... i have poured my heart somewhere, I have opened up, I have who knows what likely only to here. and then it gets crushed, bruised, broken... I'm bleeding. my soul is dying and all's I can see is the way out being going backwards..
This is why I need this weekend for myself. I need to get away from everyone who's formed, molded me into who I am today, I need to break free from all these shackles of who they want and expect me to be.
I really thought going away with my bff would make a difference.. but bff is over.. there's no longer a time I can trust her. there's not a time I can actually know who the fuck she is. time has lapsed, just as any friendship the difference is our paths are no longer the same direction... and my future has blossomed into whatever it was, but it's time to let go?
apparently to some there's no such thing as letting go, but I can name lots of people who were only in my life for a certain time and reason.
I guess.. it's just time for me to contemplate my weekend.and figure out if I can do this.. cause right now all the wounds are fresh, and all the hurt is now.. and maybe if I sleep for two days it'll change.
I'm in love with a woman who I cannot love, and i cannot escape her because she is absolutely amazing and she doesn't even know it.. and that's honestly what i love about her. I need her out of my life because she's making me crazy.. I can't think or see straight, I can't find my own centre. I can't feel free. So I planned something completely stupid.. and it back fired.
The end result, a bleeding wrist not sucidal, but for those that know me.. self-harm is my escape from everything, its not about dying but helping what I'm feeling be more real to me, or to even cause myself more harm for what I've done
I bet it's impossible for me to lose my best friend over this argument.. but I'll definitely lose something between us, and I'm not sure I can talk to her, or deal with her or be around her right now. She was the bff who was supposed to go with me to see my dad.. not that we had a huge plan, and that's partly what I love about it all.
But after today.. I can't think straight, I can't see the silver lining, and I can't see a joy or beauty in the world. all's I can see is darkness, all's I feel is pain.. an I'm being strangled repeatedly, as I breath more and more the light within me is being dimmed, burned, gone
Everyone in there stupid fucking bulshit stating that this will pass like it always does... but it doesn't feel that way! I don't see light, I don't see reason, and the people who fucking have been there for me all of a sudden aren't and now I'm alone..and being alone means very bad things!
I admitted to this woman I'm infatuated, or crazy about. I finally said it to her. I can't do it anymore. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I need her to be out of my life. and that I'm also going to destroy my phone..lol I really want too.
I want to delete all forms of communication with my friends and i.. because it's what's best for this time or right now.. I reached out to my friend, the one who always shows me clarity in the tough love kinda way.. but I love is that I don't give her a chance to respond I just pretend I do.. because I want to sabotage any chance anyone has of stopping me from doing what I do
All week this week... i have poured my heart somewhere, I have opened up, I have who knows what likely only to here. and then it gets crushed, bruised, broken... I'm bleeding. my soul is dying and all's I can see is the way out being going backwards..
This is why I need this weekend for myself. I need to get away from everyone who's formed, molded me into who I am today, I need to break free from all these shackles of who they want and expect me to be.
I really thought going away with my bff would make a difference.. but bff is over.. there's no longer a time I can trust her. there's not a time I can actually know who the fuck she is. time has lapsed, just as any friendship the difference is our paths are no longer the same direction... and my future has blossomed into whatever it was, but it's time to let go?
apparently to some there's no such thing as letting go, but I can name lots of people who were only in my life for a certain time and reason.
I guess.. it's just time for me to contemplate my weekend.and figure out if I can do this.. cause right now all the wounds are fresh, and all the hurt is now.. and maybe if I sleep for two days it'll change.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
my father
this dad thing is pretty important to me.. for those that don't know or are new to my blog.. my dad died when I was 10 yrs old.. I honestly barely remember him, all's I really remember is how he made me feel. he was my hero, he was my protector.. and even as I write that.. I have flashbacks of the terrible things he had endured not because my mom didn't love him, but because she thought it was best for us not to be around him.. my dad was a drug addict and alcoholic..
My dad loved me.. he truly loved me.. he used to sneak us on the bus and go to Stanley Park, he loved taking me out for walks.. I don't actually even remember hearing him say that he loved me.. but I read it in his journal.. I see it in his words as he's written things.
for ten whole years I had a father, a father who would bring my show and tell to school because I forgot it, or would make me homemade lunches everyday, and I'm sure who also took me to DQ as often as he could. He tried he tried to quit doing drugs.. the last year of his life he was in treatment as far as I remember.
Losing my dad.. was the worst feeling I could ever feel.. the people my mom replaced for him.. were abusers.. violence, emotional abuse, and physical abuse were a strong part of my life after he died.. I'm sure was even before he died but not from my dad but from drug dealers, or my older sisters boyfriends. I wish I could forget those times.. but I'll tell you.. there was one night I was being abused and my mom and dad were in the next room, I got up and went to my dad, he got up outta bed naked and chased this guy outta the house naked! hahah love my dad.
He was my hero, he was my protector.. losing him was the biggest hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life.
Nothing can compare to that feeling..
For years I struggled with sense of belonging, sense of worth, and sense of wanting to live. numerous times I tried to die.. I wanted to be happy with my dad.. I wanted the pain to stop.. I spent more time in foster care, more time in group homes, and some time on the streets..just to avoid what was happening at home, believe you me it wasn't my mom.. but my mom couldn't stand up to these men and as a result my brothers and i suffered..
I struggled and struggle with my life for some time.. cutting is my outlet has always been my outlet, popping pills, drinking, that's about all my outlets right there. i spent way too much time in the Psych ward in Vancouver's hospitals.. to the point that I honestly believe this is why I'll never be part of the law enforcement.. as much as I can help change the world I can't do that wearing a uniform, my history and the things in my head are too much for the uniform.
I think I told my dad... I wanted to wear a uniform.. I think that's why it tugged at my heart for so long, but here I am not doing that.. but I know now why I don't do that.
anyway this is about my dad.. he died of a drug overdose in the DTES in Vancouver, he became another statistic of someone struggling with addiction.. it's because of his death I would never do hardcore drugs.. at least I tried not too.. but at the same time I always yearned for it because I thought it would help but it wouldn't lol! I'm very lucky, someone was always watching out for me and I never had that problem
anyway for years I didn't think of my dad and where he's at.. but when my uncle passed away what two or three years ago. there was such a significance of my moms family coming together and putting a headstone on his grave.. I decided that was a way I can honour my father too.
I loved my dad and I never knew how I can honour that so beautifully until this happened and now I'm going up to see my dads grave before I go up again and put a beautiful headstone on his grave. this is my way of honouring him and all he had done for me, all he had meant to me.
RIP daddy.. I hope he knows how much i love and miss him! I hope to see him again! it'd be great to hear that he's proud of me.. I couldn't even imagine what that'd sound like lol
My dad loved me.. he truly loved me.. he used to sneak us on the bus and go to Stanley Park, he loved taking me out for walks.. I don't actually even remember hearing him say that he loved me.. but I read it in his journal.. I see it in his words as he's written things.
for ten whole years I had a father, a father who would bring my show and tell to school because I forgot it, or would make me homemade lunches everyday, and I'm sure who also took me to DQ as often as he could. He tried he tried to quit doing drugs.. the last year of his life he was in treatment as far as I remember.
Losing my dad.. was the worst feeling I could ever feel.. the people my mom replaced for him.. were abusers.. violence, emotional abuse, and physical abuse were a strong part of my life after he died.. I'm sure was even before he died but not from my dad but from drug dealers, or my older sisters boyfriends. I wish I could forget those times.. but I'll tell you.. there was one night I was being abused and my mom and dad were in the next room, I got up and went to my dad, he got up outta bed naked and chased this guy outta the house naked! hahah love my dad.
He was my hero, he was my protector.. losing him was the biggest hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life.
Nothing can compare to that feeling..
For years I struggled with sense of belonging, sense of worth, and sense of wanting to live. numerous times I tried to die.. I wanted to be happy with my dad.. I wanted the pain to stop.. I spent more time in foster care, more time in group homes, and some time on the streets..just to avoid what was happening at home, believe you me it wasn't my mom.. but my mom couldn't stand up to these men and as a result my brothers and i suffered..
I struggled and struggle with my life for some time.. cutting is my outlet has always been my outlet, popping pills, drinking, that's about all my outlets right there. i spent way too much time in the Psych ward in Vancouver's hospitals.. to the point that I honestly believe this is why I'll never be part of the law enforcement.. as much as I can help change the world I can't do that wearing a uniform, my history and the things in my head are too much for the uniform.
I think I told my dad... I wanted to wear a uniform.. I think that's why it tugged at my heart for so long, but here I am not doing that.. but I know now why I don't do that.
anyway this is about my dad.. he died of a drug overdose in the DTES in Vancouver, he became another statistic of someone struggling with addiction.. it's because of his death I would never do hardcore drugs.. at least I tried not too.. but at the same time I always yearned for it because I thought it would help but it wouldn't lol! I'm very lucky, someone was always watching out for me and I never had that problem
anyway for years I didn't think of my dad and where he's at.. but when my uncle passed away what two or three years ago. there was such a significance of my moms family coming together and putting a headstone on his grave.. I decided that was a way I can honour my father too.
I loved my dad and I never knew how I can honour that so beautifully until this happened and now I'm going up to see my dads grave before I go up again and put a beautiful headstone on his grave. this is my way of honouring him and all he had done for me, all he had meant to me.
RIP daddy.. I hope he knows how much i love and miss him! I hope to see him again! it'd be great to hear that he's proud of me.. I couldn't even imagine what that'd sound like lol
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