Tuesday, July 26, 2016

my father

this dad thing is pretty important to me.. for those that don't know or are new to my blog.. my dad died when I was 10 yrs old.. I honestly barely remember him, all's I really remember is how he made me feel. he was my hero, he was my protector.. and even as I write that.. I have flashbacks of the terrible things he had endured not because my mom didn't love him, but because she thought it was best for us not to be around him.. my dad was a drug addict and alcoholic..
My dad loved me.. he truly loved me.. he used to sneak us on the bus and go to Stanley Park, he loved taking me out for walks.. I don't actually even remember hearing him say that he loved me.. but I read it in his journal.. I see it in his words as he's written things.
for ten whole years I had a father, a father who would bring my show and tell to school because I forgot it, or would make me homemade lunches everyday, and I'm sure who also took me to DQ as often as he could. He tried he tried to quit doing drugs.. the last year of his life he was in treatment as far as I remember.
Losing my dad.. was the worst feeling I could ever feel.. the people my mom replaced for him.. were abusers.. violence, emotional abuse, and physical abuse were a strong part of my life after he died.. I'm sure was even before he died but not from my dad but from drug dealers, or my older sisters boyfriends. I wish I could forget those times.. but I'll tell you.. there was one night I was being abused and my mom and dad were in the next room, I got up and went to my dad, he got up outta bed naked and chased this guy outta the house naked! hahah love my dad.
He was my hero, he was my protector.. losing him was the biggest hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life.
Nothing can compare to that feeling..
For years I struggled with sense of belonging, sense of worth, and sense of wanting to live. numerous times I tried to die.. I wanted to be happy with my dad.. I wanted the pain to stop.. I spent more time in foster care, more time in group homes, and some time on the streets..just to avoid what was happening at home, believe you me it wasn't my mom.. but my mom couldn't stand up to these men and as a result my brothers and i suffered..
I struggled and struggle with my life for some time.. cutting is my outlet has always been my outlet, popping pills, drinking, that's about all my outlets right there. i spent way too much time in the Psych ward in Vancouver's hospitals.. to the point that I honestly believe this is why I'll never be part of the law enforcement.. as much as I can help change the world I can't do that wearing a uniform, my history and the things in my head are too much for the uniform.

I think I told my dad... I wanted to wear a uniform.. I think that's why it tugged at my heart for so long, but here I am not doing that.. but I know now why I don't do that.
anyway this is about my dad.. he died of a drug overdose in the DTES in Vancouver, he became another statistic of someone struggling with addiction.. it's because of his death I would never do hardcore drugs.. at least I tried not too.. but at the same time I always yearned for it because I thought it would help but it wouldn't lol! I'm very lucky, someone was always watching out for me and I never had that problem
anyway for years I didn't think of my dad and where he's at.. but when my uncle passed away what two or three years ago. there was such a significance of my moms family coming together and putting a headstone on his grave.. I decided that was a way I can honour my father too.
I loved my dad and I never knew how I can honour that so beautifully until this happened and now I'm going up to see my dads grave before I go up again and put a beautiful headstone on his grave. this is my way of honouring him and all he had done for me, all he had meant to me.
RIP daddy.. I hope he knows how much i love and miss him! I hope to see him again! it'd be great to hear that he's proud of me.. I couldn't even imagine what that'd sound like lol

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