Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Pain Killer

It all back fired.. .everyone who's anyone who knows anything about what I did today.. It all went wrong, it all went terrible. My trip well I might cancel it or go solo.. There are voices in my head, and a strong desire of stuff.. and depression..
I'm in love with a woman who I cannot love, and i cannot escape her because she is absolutely amazing and she doesn't even know it.. and that's honestly what i love about her. I need her out of my life because she's making me crazy.. I can't think or see straight, I can't find my own centre. I can't feel free. So I planned something completely stupid.. and it back fired.
The end result, a bleeding wrist not sucidal, but for those that know me.. self-harm is my escape from everything, its not about dying but helping what I'm feeling be more real to me, or to even cause myself more harm for what I've done
I bet it's impossible for me to lose my best friend over this argument.. but I'll definitely lose something between us, and I'm not sure I can talk to her, or deal with her or be around her right now. She was the bff who was supposed to go with me to see my dad.. not that we had a huge plan, and that's partly what I love about it all.
But after today.. I can't think straight, I can't see the silver lining, and I can't see a joy or beauty in the world. all's I can see is darkness, all's I feel is pain.. an I'm being strangled repeatedly, as I breath more and more the light within me is being dimmed, burned, gone
Everyone in there stupid fucking bulshit stating that this will pass like it always does... but it doesn't feel that way! I don't see light, I don't see reason, and the people who fucking have been there for me all of a sudden aren't and now I'm alone..and being alone means very bad things!
I admitted to this woman I'm infatuated, or crazy about. I finally said it to her. I can't do it anymore. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I need her to be out of my life. and that I'm also going to destroy my I really want too.
I want to delete all forms of communication with my friends and i.. because it's what's best for this time or right now.. I reached out to my friend, the one who always shows me clarity in the tough love kinda way.. but I love is that I don't give her a chance to respond I just pretend I do.. because I want to sabotage any chance anyone has of stopping me from doing what I do
All week this week... i have poured my heart somewhere, I have opened up, I have who knows what likely only to here. and then it gets crushed, bruised, broken... I'm bleeding. my soul is dying and all's I can see is the way out being going backwards..
This is why I need this weekend for myself. I need to get away from everyone who's formed, molded me into who I am today, I need to break free from all these shackles of who they want and expect me to be.
I really thought going away with my bff would make a difference.. but bff is over.. there's no longer a time I can trust her. there's not a time I can actually know who the fuck she is. time has lapsed, just as any friendship the difference is our paths are no longer the same direction... and my future has blossomed into whatever it was, but it's time to let go?
apparently to some there's no such thing as letting go, but I can name lots of people who were only in my life for a certain time and reason.

I guess.. it's just time for me to contemplate my weekend.and figure out if I can do this.. cause right now all the wounds are fresh, and all the hurt is now.. and maybe if I sleep for two days it'll change.

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