not prepared

Im not even sure where to start about the events I found myself facing tonight? I went with my family to go see "Avatar" Not realizing the extent of what it meant that so many of us were outta the house well the events at home.. coming into this event this place.. well my heart could not be more sad about everything I seemed to walk into.

My brother ended up drinking and started acting up and got upset and started lashing out we had to call the police to help calm him down and than i was asked to sit there until he fell asleep.. he kept apologizng...and all's I could think is how am I supposed to not enable him for these situatons and times? I was told that my mother and myself are enabling my brother to make this many mistakes and act out and drink do drugs, etc.. with no consquence.. and i just dont get how I'm supposed to stop him from doing these things?



Im getting very frustrated with the situations I'VE come baack too.. you know.. i know i made some really poor decisions since moving back to Vancouver but you know.. i started the road of stopping the things the external things, or a majority of them.. i made them leave my life.. i have been fighting to do better with a few problems here and there..and yet i still get blamed for the situations and circumstances we have walked into.. its my fault. i caused it. i hurt him, i abondend him and i ranaway like a coward. and yet even in my return instead of being the person I was.. I became hurt and just damaged from all the death, heartache and pain I endured and the habits of my thoughts about good and bad..it had consumed me..



i dont know what to do any longer..



I'm back at contemplating people in my life, situations and cases in my life. things that help things that don't..feelings I have and feelngs i dont... lots to say but no real words of things that need to be said.. I'm freaking losing it and letting myself get consumed by thoughts that should not exist..and i'm just.. I need to get myself out of this being consumed by the moments in my life that are causing me to fall apart.

i made a poor decison tonight..it had nothing to do with my brother but everything to do with certain people in my life..and because of that poor decision it's got me back here..



im not sure what i wll do about this or what i can do..but hope that i can figure it out...two more days, one more day and hopefully things will work itself out...and i'll find my way outta this mess..

Im not prepared for these moments in my life as I am facing each of these events in my life.. i feel the life in me, the fighter in me continuing to fade away into the darkness..because I'm sinkng back into the attitude that feels or assumes that protects me from heartache and pain and love and joy..

watching this situation unfold tonight... feeling their hands around my neck squeezing me... for the first time... i just didn't care I didn't want to fight back because i felt i deserved it... what good has come outta my life? that would make me fight back? im so disappointed in the choices and decisons those close to me have made and i'm just feeling really hurt...sad...and ready to walk away

laterz

fear

i have found myself walking into this new year with fear in my heart and it's always obvious I never have fear in my heart when I am walking into fear all on my own.. I mean this in the context that my family is facing a situation that cannot be explained or described in a safe way that would see that we would proudly make it into this new year... instead I am up at this late hour thinking of the things that could and would want to happen right now..
You know I was thinking about this and as I have personally faced many complications in my own life the drama, heartache and pain...the fucked up nights of pain.. well the reality is now that this is in the past and right now at this time in my life.. I am okay but i have to do everything I can to ensure safety.. for them to sleep safely into the night of dreams.. however until these current situations are dealt with I deeply fear that somethiing may be wrong.. it's different you know? I mean if this kind of stuff was going on with me while honestly I'd face it, I'd walk right into the paths that I have done...the choices and decisions I make I face the consquences and will not run or hide.. I did that in my past and lived in fear and one thing that I said when I moved back to Vancouver..is that if anyone from my past had a problem with me from the past while I walk into it with open arms..
However this situation is not mine thankfully I've grown up as much as I could that I know this is not my situation, not my thing.but it involves those I care for deeply and this is the reason i'm here the reason I choose to not back down.. to not be apart from all this....but there is a sense of obligation in me that compells me to protect those I love.. I remember I was on the train with my lady and my sister and one thing that we talked about because it was a game night... we talked about in a situation that could happen who would I fight to protect? it's obvious I have a high obligation and desire to protect my family..my family comes first before myself, and before friends, and those I love..it wouldn't matter sadly enough but this desire for family the love I have for them... it can be overwhelming and I would never turn my back on them. until the day I die i will not walk away.. I can only hope that some other people in my family would realize the situation they have put us into and how i will surge up all the anger of pain and start and lash out in this situation.

i feel like I can't sleep and I worry about because as much as we might have lots of men in the house I feel like i'm the only one who would stand up... I mean I thought about it again..when these two drunk ass guys stepped up on my cousin instead of running away like a girl ;) I stood infront of my cousin to use myself to protect him...these two guys were bigger drunker and just all around idiots..but I didn't care if anyone was going to hit anyone they were going to hit me trying to do it...as an idiot that night for me though was that I stepped behind my cousin to call the police... and that's when the shot came in..and my cousin got hit in the face..instead of stepping up we walked away... it was a really messed up situation.. but time and again this is the person that I am.... i have a huge value and love and obligation in my family... because I love them I would do whatever it took to protect them, help them, and love them without condition and hope that one day this love will carry onto the future maybe in a more healthy situation.
I was thinking about this today.. you remember well not many people know but when I was growing up I was hurt tremendously physically, emotionally, and just all around everything about me was wrong. There was one main man who caused this amount of pain in my life and because of those things I became something different after the years of heartache, the bruises the cuts, the crap I withstood in all my stuff. I became someone else and this person is the person that writes these words.. because this is the beast of me that will not back down that will stand up for those who are weaker even if it cost me my life...

Once again. another story... as I'm not sure if this story will ever be able to be told to the one perosn it matters too.. I was watching a show about one of my favorite singers "Johnny Cash" well there were some interesting things said about his autobiography... I've never meant Johnny but from his movie I could relate to areas in his life the darkness..etc.. anyhow... one thing that was said was there was speculation that June rescued or saved him from those events in his life that would have cost him his life, he was consumed in so much darkness, so much pain.. and there were some who would speculate that June was his savior.. but than I think one of his kids said that it wasn't that she was his savior, or the hero, the rescuer but that she was the context of the goodness of life he could have, and she was the one who just lived her life in reflection of what life could be like...it was by her life that he had the compelling desire to change and become a better man..and he was... before June he was really lost but when she came into his life she literally swept him off his feet... and this story sits with me tremendously.. because I have been thinking contemplating the situations going on in my life the people, the relationships etc...
With the comments i recieved from someone I began to pull back from those who are positive influences in my life... and part of that is my own thoughts of what's best for them, and also the comments of others made me believe that I was someone who was looking to be rescued.. and for a short period of my life I could see in what ways some might think this was the case and situation I was going through..for a season i believe yes..
However this person in my life is the context of what my life could be like if I should choose it... this person has been through some pretty fucked up situations, situations and darkness I am not completely aware of..but i hear it, and feel it at times....the pain and heartache all these things.. anyhow.... I realize this person is not the answer to any of my problems not that I had ever thought this person was, but some might speculate these situations and things.. but it was not that at all.. it was that this person was able to share with me... a piece of their heart that shows the unconditional love, and the fighting spirit that lies within me to do better..
It's the opportunity to do great things the opportunity to be someone great.. that fire that I felt had died away.. I mean I remember this person and some of my readers might remember that girl I used to be.. the one that had a zeal for life, that had some of the funniest most memorible moments on a farm.. six acres of land.. it the beautiful country side.. I became a changed woman there and instead of leaving that place and carrying her with me.. I allowed myself to become consumed with life without bringing in the proper supports to keep that girl in me alive..
and even to this day... What I need to do is find a way.. and hopefully this sounds as it does in my head.. to be both the fighter and the beast... lots of people say can't have it both ways but I really hope too.. I have met many police officers who have it both ways that are on the job as the beast but have compassionate heart to care and love, and fight for their life and those who are unable to fight for their own lives, to believe in the soul, the heart and not just the persons appearance choices and decisions.

I'm losing it aren't I? but I just want it both ways... to be able to find the balance between the fighter in me and all that I hope to be.. but also to find the ways and areas in my life that i will need times like now to become the beast... to put on this facade to protect those I love and to hopefully stay alive in the process.

Can you believe I just said that? I had said that I wouldn't want to live.. I regretted everything in my life.. but reality is that you know what it is true that my family holds true in my heart and I love them so much that I'd live in this painful world, suffer all the pain, and just burn my life in flames for the glory that my family members deserve something great... to be given the opportunity to live, to love, and to enjoy life in a way that I may never know how...

WOW!!!

I will do everything I can to be here.. for now.. right now it's two things that are keeping me alive.. the safety of my family... and school...

I will not let go.. as long as I have these two things.. I am here

good enough

I spent the last few hours actually doing something I didn't think i would do... a community came together to bring food and clothes to the homeless..I have never been against this idea but I just i didn't think I could personally come together for all of that... I mean I found it difficult at first being a part of these events because I was with the girls and the one major thing I have a problem with is trusting that they would be alright in any situation.. but once I was distracted i was able to just enjoy the laughter and joy of the community I found myself in.

i thought about it and thought is this good enough? I have done alot this past few years or even all my life of helping others and my community.. I mean i had shared the stories of my personal times downtown.. i had many times many memories, many experiences of being on skidrow.. it has changed alot.. and it's getting better..you should actually hear a lot of people who are having a problem with the new year coming around an the changes created around and how it's effecting the people...a lot of people seem to want to rise up against the whatever it is..

I'm really tired.. i'm not feeling well.. i'm feeling nervous you know.. the new year is coming will be here shortly..and I'm still scared but I'm also trying to figure things out you know? I mean I finally was able to answer some of my own questions by learning the life experiences of those i really love that are role models.. well I learned some interesting things from hearing them and it has helped me change things for myself..

however.. even if these things could change would change, etc... I dont know i feel like making this choice or promise to myself if just one more time something happens..than that would be it for me...but no one can live like that..because something will happen and I just have to figure out in what ways I want to deal with it..

I have a lot to think about as the time winds down and thankfully i dont have to figure it all out in a few hours I have a whole year to decide what kind of person I wish to be..

Im heading out.. going to meet my cousins and chill out and enjoy a good night hopefully with my cousins.. i can't believe how things have come together, or how lame things have just become in the last day.. it's been a really interestingly sad journey.. but I guess.its part of my life

Happy new year!

your choice your future

I made the right decision..even in my own pain and loss of emotions of feeling of anything.. I made the right decision and did what made me feel feelings.. I had hoped that I'd walk into a situation honestly that would cause me anger but I guess I've been waiting for that long enough that the day will never come.
I went to see my lady... as she arrived so there.. so real.. so perfect.. the joy of having her return to this city... seriously something about my lady that just makes me smile.. even in trying to be angry trying to be something other than happy to see her...is not possible.. We ended up spending a lot more time together than I had originally thought...which was pretty awesome for the just of it...sometimes the greatness, the goodness even if only an hour.. that hour or more was all I felt I needed to be okay with today..

I'm trapped in the idea of what the new year will come too.. The reality of things is that i have looked at this year... and last year...and I'm trying to find that thing you know? that thing that will make the new year different from the last two... the first year I was drinking like crazy for good reason I don't need to list off who died, and what the meaning of their deaths meant in my life.. this year... well death came again in a more hurtful way more painful than my own father's death which I could say is one reason I was drinking this year, and why i felt the pain and torment and have now manymany scars to add to this horrible collection of visible pain.
so... what could I change? what have I not tried that could be tried? I mean we've done the counselling thing for years now, I have been in counselling and even went further than that but what or how has it effected or changed my life? it hasnt really and it's been a really shitty deal for me..
For one of the first times in my life I cried out for help, I freakin screamed at the top of my lungs that I needed help but it was there temporarily.. it didn't last...just as much as my friends in my life these last two years that didn't last either..
I have been contemplating a lot of things...trying to find that one thing that makes me greater, makes me more alive..that makes me be able to withstand all that I am now facing.... I wish I could say the new year will bring about many victories and maybe it will...,but this following week will be risky and I will honestly tremble and feel fear for a fraction of a second before i turn into the beast...and rise up against the oppression that may try come against my family..

After that is over..

How or what do I need to do?? how will I find my way through these sorts of messes? how will I react, or act or what can i change now that has never changed before? I mean... if there is a fighter in me, if there is this part of me that can survive these events in my life..how do I make that fighter come to life..to choose to fight, to choose to live, to choose to love living, to choose to have fun...how do I do that?
even if I did that...what are the outcomes of enjoying my life...cause we can't forget what kind of person I am... the good cannot happen without the bad..and if the bad comes it will be created by my own hands because I'm not sure how much death I can deal with..and if I start thinking this way well how or in what ways can I change my thinking so that I'm not consumed by good without the bad..or consumed that I must create the bad so that i don't have to be dealing with unexpected badness...

Are you as confused as me?

i dont know... I don't even know where to begin... i cant fix anyone..I can't help anyone even if I want to beat the crap outta certain family members.. I have to stand at the sidelines... but one thing my lady said that got to me..is to never give up on them... sadly enough I forgot about this.. Can you believe that?? I forgot what it felt like to not give up on someone, to love without limits.. i mean for my younger brothers and sisters it's easy for me to love them they are kids.. but for my brother and older sister...well it breaks me.. it makes me feel my heart feel it being ripped outta me as I see them doing drugs...one thing Dave told me is that weed is no different any longer than hardcore drugs... cause you know what.. you don't know the difference anymore addiction is addictions...(phone call lost train of thought)
Either way.. I had forgotten my motto..my idea and choice and decision to never give up.. I forgot about this with my sister, with my brother even.. I have felt so consumed by all this stuff all the consquences of their choices and the ripple effects, I forgot that I loved without limits and especially towards these people in my life that make the choice and decision to struggle without addiction, aware or not..

wow!!! so consumed right now..

The new year.. needs to really look like a new year for me.. none of what it is or seems to be with me.. I need more outta this than what I have... cause I'm scared..that it's not going to be any different and it's going to hurt maybe less or more than these last two... I'm not sure how much more I can endure these moments and pains enough as is.. I need more goodness, I need more I need more reminders of what it means to love someone without limits, I need positive influences so that i never forget why I choose to be who I am now..

Struggle...struggle struggle..

Just for one day I wish....

running circles

Its difficult for me to imagine having to write the words I'm about to write but I know it needs to be said.. this is my life.. and i can choose with it what i will because I am alright with it..
I have acted foolishly lately.. running back to old habits, old lifestyle old feelings even.. this worthlessness in me, this hopelessness that i want so badly.. no matter what i do there is life in me.. and lastnight when i talked to my mentor and friend it was proven very true.
I have surrounded myself with things of life that are not meant to be mine. dont get me wrong I have been here helping my family get through this time, and I've helped so many times.. but I realize the draining feeling I have felt for so long.. but deep down underneath this 'I dont care' attitude there in the depths of it all there is me... wanting to do better.. wanting to make better of the future of my situation.. i do want to change.. I want more outta life that what has been given to me...
I'm looking at this last year... well this year really.. and looking at the days that aare counting down too the new year... truth be told I'm afraid I'm going to fail.. I'm going to make poor decisions that I already have, and that I will hurt the people I care for the most.. my lady as much as it bothers me that she's with me, that she loves me, and that I am reminded of the pain I've caused her.. regardless of those things she is still with me..she is still loving me and standing by me even when I'm not me.. I am gifted with the greatest relationship ever known to the history of man kind.. no one in the world could ever be loved this much, to be cared for this much, to be able to count on someone, to be loved unconditionally and even to test that love and still realize nothing has faltered.. she is still with me..

I'm scared... right down to it right to the point... I'm scared that I am going to fail at living.. I'm going to ruin my life and everyone is looking at this new year as new opportunity, new goals, and just new things..and I'm looking at it and seeing the heartache I have faced this year will be carried onto the next year.. I will need someone with me to help me.. but I will also need to help myself in order to get that relationship I need to survive these horrific memories of this year.. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as i realize how terrified I am..
Do you know how difficult it was? to look into the eyes of someone who loves me? someone who I've tested time and again and yet no matter what I did, what I said, how much it hurt her she still loved me this love was unconditional..there is nothing I've had to do to earn her love she just loves me..
I'm scared... I'm terrified that even though right now the only thing keeping me going is school. I'm scared I'm going to get back to the breaking point and I'm not going to make it.. so instead of thinking of how I'm terrified how scared I am... I'm trying to prove why I'm not worth it.. how this future of mine isn't worth it..

i mean... I am not family..this is true.. I have risen above all these oppressive things, and chosen to be more... choosen this by some miracle by the grace of God.. I am who I am now.. and yet even in knowing these things I still try fall back because... walking into greatness the work, the hard work of believing in oneself and moving forward.. this terrifies me.. and reality is that officer Michelle was right.. after a suicide attempt the reality is that the difficult thing about moving forward in life is trying to be okay with living..
I'm scared that I can't make it! I'm scared that these things that have haunted me this year will continue onto the next year and I will just continue this cycle of pain i have caused, and I have endured..it will all just continue to the next year..this is one major reason I'd rather not have made it through the holidays.

As the situations all come to mind.. as I see all that I have become and all that has happened.. all these past this past month actually.. I am realizing the oppression that is trying to suffocate me the things that brought me down in the past, the evilness of whatever it is...it's trying to break me down.. and I've allowed it.. I've sat and allwed the pain to come this way... I didn't try stop it I didn't go to help, and i didn't turn to my positive influences..instead i stayed where i am to be what I've always been, and do what I've always done... because this is the state of me that is comfortable..this is where i lose the will to change..
I'm crazy aren't I??? i wish i were..

reallity is that I am not... I am blessed beyond what I know..to have people in my life supporting me, to be loved this much, and to have whatever fighter instinc in me that has kept me alive all this time.. so where do i go from here?
My guess is that I have a choice to make.. to reach out for help to grasp more resources of people that can help me through this chaos of a mess.. that can guide me in these timse, or not even guide but support me, care for me when I don't care for myself..

I realize these things because I see what i am becoming and where I'm going..and as much as I want to let all the darkness envelope me all the pain just destroy me.. .I also realize that there might be more... there might be more to my life that can help others, apparently i have a gift for these abilities of helping others..
I really messed up lately.. I really lost it in these thoughts of mine.. and tomorrow might change tomorrow i might change, or tomorrow i will decide that this is who i want to be.. I will sleep on it because I am deprived of sleep as usual what a suprise... and hope that the rest will help my mind think more clearly.. but I know as I feel it now... the loss that I am beginning to feel and realizing what it is that i am losing..

im sorry.. that i keep getting lost.. that i can't make up my mind.. but i also can't make the right choices as much i had hoped i could.. life here in Vancouver has changed tremendously for me.. I am grown up now, and i am seperated from all the influential people that helped me in the past few years of my life...and their guidance, their opinion helped me.. helped me stay me. and not everything i am now.. without that.. without the right supports of those who love me.. well I am just a broken record continuing with the same tune until no one is left in my life to care about me..

rock bottom

We have all heard the phrase have to wait till they hit "rock bottom" it means a lot of things to a lot of people and the idea of it is that it's supposed to show you your actions that are wrong and what needs to be done so that the decisions you make in the future won't be as they are now. i dont know if that makes sense but the idea for me is that it changes the ways of life... its a choice a decision that is made by one person and one person alone.. there might be people around that love that person that help them make the right decision or whatever..
I'm think of this phrase for many reasons.. cause I guess in a sense my rock bottom had a lot to do with the people in my life, and the scars on my left arm.. a time in my life that no matter how much i try I will never remember that dreadful night...I'll know how it affected the one person I love and care for tremendously, and I know how much my close friends and family wish they had been there to stop me.. no matter what I do I won't remember... its called the blackout state of mind when I got wasted.. well... that was supposed to be my rock bottom that was the time to realize what I had done wrong..how I can change things so that it won't ever come to that again..

The idea of my rock bottom had a lot to do with the scar on my arm and the month that I spent in the hospital for my suicidal or whatever attempt it had been.. I have heard three different stories of that night from three different people one of whom apparently i owe them a sweater which I found profound my life almost ended that night... and yet now I owe someone a sweater.. what the heck was up with that...it showed me what kind of people I had in my life and what kinds of people I want to have in my life. well than..
I had one lady.. my lady who has been in my life for nearly a year and I could not.. even express the feelings of that... this woman...is an unstoppable woman.. no matter what I do now she won't leave me, she won't stop believing in me..when I fall apart when I try to commit suicide after even that event..she is still here standing by me..believing in me and bringing about memories, things that remind me of why I am what I am now.. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my left arm and regret surviving that night...the ripple effects of that night have been surviving to now and I regret everything I did.. and all the choices and everything that led up to it..
This wasn't about me..but it's bringing about feelings in me that I cannot help but express.. how much I regret surviving that night and no matter what I do I survived..
Tonight I was suprised to find out that my mentor and friend had a chat with me... and this chat had everything to do with this destiny..this future of mine that is meant to be..
How every obstacle that I have faced I have survived even in the midst of turmoil and darkness how that I have the heart to reach people and change their lives in ways that sometimes I hardly know of...and tonight.. for the first time I realized that's what I did to my ladys life.. there is something remarkable about her...something splendid about knowing her and being in her life, something great about being loved by her, and loving her...there is something in me that won't and refuses to leave her and yet refuses to stay close to her.. and tonight my dear friend mentor and friend spoke to me and asked me if I still used the techinque i had used about needing to be rescued often... and I realized..sadly enough this is the turmoil I have put my lady into.. I have done this techinique earlier on in my life apparently... and use it now... those nights of calling in great despair, those nights of getting wasted and trying to end it all... her reaction was the key to my life.. the key to my future... and no matter what I did she responded..

so now...

I wonder... sadly enough...is this worth it? how do i change what I've always been to something else? I dont want to be this person I don't want to be in the past, I dont want this responsibility of my family and I dont want to have to be what I've always been...If I have been created for greatness shouldn't I be more than what I am now? shouldn't I be less of what I am and more of him? should I let go of 589? should I get over my self-pity and really reach down and grab all these things that have caused me to be where I am now..???????
How do I change a friendship...a love like this? how do I make it less emotional and more everything else? I don't need another codependent relationship? I don't need another person needing me? I dont need to freakin be all i ever was...I need to be more than I ever was, I need to move forward in my life.. and I don't want to be rescued.. because honestly when you get right down to it.... I have something in me..living, breathing, and fighting for the future..even when I dont there is something in me that survived that night, something that has kept me alive and kept me breathing even when I don't want too..

I'm confused.. I'm very confused... when I look at this relationship.. I honestly.. feel a loss as if I can't have fun, I can't do this and i can't do that.. I can't enjoy a time with her that I used to have because I am so full of darkness..so full of pity..so full of anger that I hurt her... I hurt her I wounded her in a way that cannot be explained, a pain I don't even know what it is..instead of her telling me....we move past it...and yet it lingers in my mind and I'm lost... I'm lost.. I dont deserve her, I dont deserve this love and I dont deserve her for everything I've done and the more I'm with her the more Im reminded of how much I have hurt her, how much I have fallen apart how I have always been in the dark!!

Once again so off track...

The main point of this blog tonight...was to talk about the situation that I am finding myself more and more again... a pain..a reality of things that are going on.. I have been asked to make a very difficult decision that I am not sure I can make... I worry of the ripple effects, I worry that I will be hated..but than... this is not the way that I need to be thinking.. the point of my actions is that I care... I care for this person so much more than myself and it requires me to make a decision that I am worried about..but I hope and pray and if one wish would be that this person sees the light that I had seen... the need for change..as scary and painful as it is... there is a future.. no matter how hard I fight it... I didn't even think I'd make it through this holiday I diidn't think I'd be alive and although I've survived some fucked up situations..the reality is i am here.. and this is proof that.... there is life in me..there is a desire for me to change.. an in order for that to happen.. I need to share this desire to change with someone very very close to me..this person has so much going for them, so much of a future... but it requires this rock bottom.. this choice, this decision.... if I do not do this..the ripple effects will be immediate danger to those I care for the most... and so what do I do?? how do I act..react..
i'm lost in this situation..but with much prayer from my mentor and friend, much chatting tonight I realized the decision is obvious as painful as it will be... I must do this.. this is the choice and decision that person will have to live with..because I love that person more than my own life if I could I'd take away all their pain, all their tears, and I'd just really take on every darkness this person is going through I'd become all of it.. but this isn't the imaginery world.. the reality is that this person has allowed this turmoil in their life and I have to try and hope that they will see the light and that i have to help them see it...
i'm not sure if it's possible if this is really what I want to do... but I can only hope...that it all works out..because there are many lives at stack for this.. so.. tomorrow today..is judgement day I will be going and talking this through with the people that need to hear it and I hope that whatever decision is made..that victory will be there for this person..

I can only hope for the best... I have to do this..

back to the start

It's a little difficult to imagine this year coming to an end.. As I look back at all the crap I have endured, all that I put myself through.. wow if only I could even count for you how many times I ended up in the hospital, how many times I tried to end it all.. How many times I've watched friedns of mine come in and out of my life in a blink of eye.. I dont blame anyone who leaves my life if I could successfully leave my life I would too..I'm choas..I bring about an enormous amount of pain that is not needed for any relationship..
I mean even as I write these words my lady is a few thousand miles away and the last time I texted her was two days ago. look at the friend I am? I dont know how to talk to anyone when I feel the mess I feel now...the fears of everything, the many wrong things being done in my life that I have to feel the way I do.. i have to fix things that normally wouldn't be my place to fix but because it involves family members well that speaks for itself... some like me this way..the protective super human that I am when I'm protecting my family, but you know really... really underneath the shit of it all..I'm shaking outta hell being scared to death... wishing that I didn't have to play this role.. I dont like this person I am..because it's like..
you remember how I said i had changed? well when I become what I am now..those feelings, those urges return to me to become as i was and to just destroy myself to benefit the safety of my family.. the sacrifice for this kind of person I am is to sacrifice my own needs, my responsibilities, and my soul pretty much.. soon enough there won't be a me..there will just be this person that i tried to crucify those years ago..
so than.. we go too.. why don't i just leave? why don't i just walk away and let my mother deal with these issues at hand? why not give her the resources for all the needs here.. well that's simple because i don't trust that anyone can do what I do, and I don't believe my mom realizes the danger that has been brought onto them.

in this past year...as we come to a close.. sadly enough..there is only one thing I would love to walk back too..and of course deep down there is that fighter...but for right now in my current circumstances all these things I'm facing... I say I wish i walked away...I wish that I didnt do everything i did..that one day... I was given a decision to walk away or fight... and sadly enough I chose to fight.. and the outcome of that is that I've destroyed a lot of lives, I've destroyed myself and I've wounded tons of people...I've lost people's trust, people's respect, and just friends all around because i stayed to fight...I didn't walk away..if I had walked away i wouldn't feel all I feel now, I wouldn't think that there was hope or reason...I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with me and I'd still be tied up on old flames.. sadly enough this is not the case..and no matter what I say.. I can't seem to stand strong on how I wished I was back there..because deep down reality is that I wasn't satisfied I wasn't happy..but
I guess when I'm aware of all the problems I have, and all the things that make me less of a person well realizing I need to work on those things and yet looking back at all this..my family my friends and seeing where they are at..once again I want to step back and not go forward.. I dont want to do it you know? doesn't make sense I'm crazy about staying where I was and not moving forward...

I look at this year...and all that I did all the pain I caused..and sometimes I can't even look at myself.. the first year I had an excuse for the pain I had endured..but this year... everything that I did I did on my own, by my hands I suffered, by my choices and decisions I single handedly destroyed my life..opportunity to become something or someone..this was the new goal.. to really believe in myself, believe in what people seen in me that was worth believing in.. however i dont feel it any longer.
I look at this year.. look at these damn scars and I regret not walking away.. I hated that I didn't walk away because as not happy as I was, I was comfortable not being aware of all the problems I have..and facing them now.. feeling the way I do..I just honestly wish I could start it all over again and walk away..

I'm frustrated... I'm really confused about everything..I mean even though I've hurt and been hurt, that I've broken hearts and lives, I have done something those things start the list of reaching out for help, getting a place to live, and getting into College.. so than.. maybe there is something else for me? And I have to get over my own pity of my own pain and the pain of others, those who don't forgive me for what i've done well it's their choice and it's their right..i've really been destructive.. but now.. i have to let it go..and even in that... I'm honestly tired of that idea... tired of letting go when really...
there are days I feel this worthless feeling of being alive, being a waste of air, being a waste of a good name... and just being as messed up as i am..with the kind of past I have.I feel like I don't deserve this you know? why me? why does it have to be me? I mean why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me?

How do people struggle with these things and yet find their way to victory? how can this happen, why does it have to be me? I can't seem to find my way through these times and honestly my body is on it's last straw of taking another beating..
I'm feeling lost.. what a suprise right? that I feel this way? i chose this you know? that's the bottom line..if I hadn't chosen this well I wouldnt be here right now..