its over

the dishes are done.only took me couple hours to clean up the house...I am now sitting in my blue room listenning to the laughter of my two sisters... After writing lastnight I was reminded that life is not that easy for me... things are going to get real difficult.. and I'm worried about the situations that I will soon face... a real test of my heart, a taste of the strength in my fist, or my words..
I feel extremly sad about the events that happened lastnight... lets start off with the only person who can ruin anyone's life..his name is Bob.. he took my brother out on Christmas eve and they got drunk...it was then after that my brother told me a situation that he will have to deal with at the cost of the safety of those I care for.. I won't lie.. I broke down in anger and frustration and took it out on myself..feeling like once again that I had failed..if only I would've known, if only this or that.these things won't change what he did..and now I must live with this fear..and hope that all my peeps who told me if ever I needed a favor they would be there for me...this is the time I might be calling up my boys.
I wrote a nasty e-mail to my lady... I was upset and I was scared.. I didn't know what to do.. this is a time of family, of love, laughter or just a sense of peace of mind..and instead within 25min my idea of christmas came to an end...in realizing the circumstances I have now found myself in and the choices and decisions I make will determine the outcome of something that no family should ever face...once again a testiment to the burden that I find myself carrying in this family.

those are yesterdays worrys tho

I want to say.. regardless of all the worry and anger that i held.. I put on facade, I put on my mask for a day like today... to be enveloped with family... we laughed, we shared an unspeakable joy together that carries on as i write my thoughts...just downstairs my sisters are unaware of the situations or circumstances, or even the consequences that may arise... they won't know unless something happens..an I am now going to be here to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to call in my friend who is the only man I trust, the only person I know that could help me deal with this kind of situation
sorry off track again..this is honestly bothering me tremendously... and I wish that I could go back in time and make my brother make better decisions...I wish that I couldve been here for him the way he needed me to be...however the cost of that would've probably been my life because I was a real broken mess..and although in many ways I still am..there has been a change in my life..and no matter what I say or do my lady along with many others won't let me forget that there is change in my life...that I've come a long way since I was 18yrs old..making the decision for Ontario regardless that I'm sad at what's happened in my family since I was gone.. i realize that it was the best decision for me because I know now that if I hadn't made that decision I couldn't be here today..

Christmas..today... was beautiful... this is all I wanted... was to sit an enjoy the joy in the eyes of my brothers and sisters even my mother... to see them happy.. we didn't argue, we all helped and we all worked together as a family.the way I had hoped could come to pass for so long. it wasn't about who did what, who didn't do this or that.. we all chipped in, we all got to enjoy a game system.. Wii can you believe that???? My family recieved a Wii system!! I couldn't believe it and how much fun we all had on it all day... it was only about three hours ago that we all started to wind down and stop playing..because my mom went to bed, and I went on a cleaning spree.. we shared an amazing dinner together...and than we watched my mom and my uncle Dave learn how to play Wii.. it was wonderful.. this is exactly how I would've wanted to spend christmas..no fighting, no yelling, nothing like that...we all shared, we all communicated.. we all were here together spending Christmas together..enjoying new clothes, new games, new laughter, and just the joy that I had felt I needed.
for a brief moment I was able to get past what I might have to do or who I might have to become and i was able to enjoy myself and have some fun...i'm actually competitive when it comes to games I try my best and quick to learn and kick ass..

It doesn't change... what may or may not happen..and I now know what I have to do to protect my family..protect myself...and make the right decision no matter the cost.. I didn't get our family in this mess but you better be sure i'm going to get us out.. there is no way in the world I want my younger brothers and sisters to pay the price for something my brother decided to do..
it hurts me you know??

I wish...just for one day.. my father could be here.. to speak to the boys, to love them, and share his love and stories with them..to tell them the price the consequence and cost that comes too when making selfish irreversible decisions...
I missed my father a lot today... as the girls made their father an account on Wii it made me think.. you know.. if only... if only.. I know things would be not as they are now if only he hadn't gone away..if he hadn't died..

I had hoped...to start the new year with some goodness..but i feel I have thought very wrong an will be facing some unspeakable consequences of someone else's actions.. but once again this is where the person..the person i have been and will continue to be..the one that holds strong and unbreakable values in my family... to become the brick, the beast, the unbreakable person the rock, the everything that would prevent harm from rising up on any of them... I can't fail at this again.. I can't let them go through this alone..not after I've created all the respect from the streets, from close friends who have connections, from all my supports... I won't give up that easily..and I wont feed my brother to the lions..he will not walk through this difficult journey alone and I will be here for him..I am determined
I have decided to put all my stuff aside...what a suprise eh? lol and focus on getting my brother outta this mess he has found himself in.. and hopefully after that get him some serious help from someone anyone who is able to reach out to him in ways that I never will..

This was a good day..even with the bad news... it was good because I spent it with my family and i spent it here...alive...maybe broken bruised an bleeding but I'm here..and for now that's all I have you know? for now it has to be enough..because I can't give any more than I already have..

Merry Christmas everyone!
laterz

Christmas history

I just read a bulletin from a cause I am involved in on FB and it compelled me to write a great thanks to the person who had the heart to share those amazing words exactly what I needed at a time like this... words of encouragement, inspiration, and strength to continue on living and loving at whatever way that is coming my way.

I left my mothers house lastnight in anger in tears really... the arguing and lack of giving that happened in this house finally became more than I could handle and I finally had enough.. enough of the fighting, enough of feeling like I didn't matter, that my presence here didn't matter. It honestly felt like history recreating itself in a way that hurt me beyond repair..so I left the situation..
Anyhow... I came back and since returning things have been good.. no arguing and an honest sense of helping eachother.

But this note that I read... it was from a stranger as I know it...but it was telling me that I'm worth it even during this season and time in my life. that no matter what I've done this past year of my life no matter the damage I caused, no matter the heartaches I've had, and everything literally EVERYTHING is going to be okay...to tell me that I'm worth it..my life is worth living, my life is worth living...words of the greatest encouragement that I could ever comprhend to say how much that letter made my day made me realize how important I am no matter what goes on in my head.
Sadly enough as strong and courageous as some may think I am... the image I've created for myself has been beyond repair.. At times I feel the worthlessness in the depths of my soul and it creeps up and I destroy every good thing in my life... trying to battle with myself and tell myself that I'm not worth this life.. especially at this time of the year.. of Christmas..family time.. etc.. I could not feel more hopeless in knowing I'm not completely certain how much i can be here for my family... I battle my own self in all the has happened...

To live each day... to be here eachday... trying to live... its beyond words I can speak of how much pain and suffering the trials and tribulations of my life have caused me great pain.. the obvious signs of my trauma are written and forever scars on my arms... this was in the past eight months of my life... to even imagine going through another year of anything... it's a breaking point for me.. to find the courage even just for today to be all that I need to be...to get through the day.. I dont know how to do it you know? the facade of me... is the one that says everything is fine, or that I dont care anymore.. really these are the signs of the true brokenness of my heart...
I have felt that I have failed... failed at living... People tell me to keep going..even when I don't think I can stand another step of this day... people continue to tell me to keep fighting.. to not drink, not cut.. not go back into the lifestyle I had made for myself in believing so wholeheartidly that this was the way I'd spend the rest of my life.in a broken mess of whatever

Tonight...however

this letter came to me...and made me feel what I have waited to feel all this time... a love.. an honest love that came from a stranger..it doesn't matter if i dont have presents, that I may be disappointed tomorrow with my family arguing.. the greatest thing is that someone out there cared enough to send a message of love, of strength, and just life... this is what I needed and what I love beyond what words can say.

you know... there are tons of people who believe so strongly in me...that sometimes their love and strength that is sent is more than I could handle... I always think if only they would walk one day in my shoes to feel the things I do in a day, to feel the heartache of each day.. the fear of failing.. the worthlessness of my past the creeps up and reminds me that I'll never really get there you know? just to understand why I feel this way... act this way.
but I guess..inspite of all that I feel I am facing... there is a fighter underneath all these things in my life..
If there wasnt...I'm certain I would not be here now.

So than.. after realizing even if there is still someone here in me..beneath the darkness of me there is a fighter...

Today for the second time.. I went through Skid Row... seeing Pigeon Park a landmark in my life.. as it was the times I seen my father for the last times he was alive.. than when we think of that and see it now...what I would give just to be held in his arms you know?
the Christmas history... well.. the greatest most precious Christmas i will forever remember is when my father... for the first and last time.. he was clean and sober and he spent Christmas with us for the first and last time.. he had couple things he wanted for Christmas.. first was to be clean and sober, second was to hold his son Jeffrey for the first time which happened, and last was just to be with us..which he was... this christmas is forever engraved in my soul.. because it wasn't about the values of how much money is in the persons pocket, had nothing to do with things like ps3 or games, clothes, nothing like that.. all it was is family... all my father wanted was to be with family..and that's all I hold true too as well.. thats all I want

My younger sisters father is back.. I hope it won't be difficult because I really don't want to destroy my family single handly... I'm here to enjoy Christmas with my family at whatever way I can.. to capture the goodness..because I'm desperate for the beauties of this time in my life.

will see how it goes..

I miss my lady tons and I love her unconditionally.. I send her a Merry Christmas and all my love <3

I send a Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.. we are living in a world of great beauties, great opportunities.. great gifts.. watch for them.. enjoy your family.. enjoy your friends.. and just as I was told.. know your worth more than you know!

come so hard

well it seems at the moment my cat doesn't like my computer as I write the words of tonight my precious cat sits pretty close to my computer..lol

Its kind of crazy to think of lastnight and how terrible I felt physically and how much it's different today and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the medications I've been taking.. however even with the medications I still didn't stop..I forced myself to get up and do stuff i fell asleep which was nice... but... than I went off helping everyone in the house and than by tonight I did all the dishes some with my brother and than i finished them off. I figure if anything I might as well do it as I wasn't tired.
It got me thinking...of some times I remember in the past...its so stupid that this comes to mind.. but most of the Christmas or so that I remember when it was a special occassion it was always my father who cleaned up and did everything... so tonight when I did the dishes I figured maybe he did them because it was his way of telling her he loved her, and wanted to help her.

I think the holidays are most difficult for me because I know he's not around and I'm not sure I will ever forget him or the times we had together... I know there were a lot of things he did that I didn't understand because I was so young, he was struggling so much... but he was also my father...in all his glory in all his essence he was my father...and no matter the memories I have of him in whatever ways I have them...there isn't a time that I don't know what it's like to have him with me, to have him hold me in his arms, to cry in front of me..and to smile, laugh and enjoy some good times... I was thinking about it tonight as I was channel surfing looking for Christmas programs..I remember when I was a kid those cheesy christmas movies on TV how entertaining they were...and how lucky I felt to have been able to spend that time with my father... sitting on his favorite chair he held me in his arms... man alive could not describe how much I know I was loved by him, and since he's been gone...I think there's a lot of fear around trust, love etc.
Living life... living now... its difficult... with all my glory and goodness just like any human person I have my flaws too... some things I'm not proud of but things that I don't regret you know?

I mean of all things my scars as horrible as they are..they don't have to be my whole life you know? I don't have to be defined by these scars on my body...i could choose to rise above this darkness. I mean the past few weeks... have been beyond difficult for me to deal with and I have been in a place because of whatever reason I have....I have been scared and disappointed in myself and the things I've done and the way I've acted..my behavior is a major part of me that proves the brokenness in my soul as i struggled to figure out what was going to happen next.. this is not the way I had hoped my life would be..I actually wrote more than enough times that I didn't feel I would or could survive the next few weeks..that I would fail fall short or just end up messing it all up...
more and more how I've been prove wrong..the days are coming to and end of the year.. and I'm still here...I may be secluded but it's also now because I am sick that I have to stay indoors..

I'm not crazy.... I go off and on about many different things at the moment..I'm not really sure where everything is or how everything is supposed to be..if I choose right things or if I fall apart and just brokenness...
There is an emptiness in my soul..there is a fear of living. fear of many things... an all around shame of all i have put those I love through....a constant question I have that won't be answered because that day should not come..

this year... has felt like one of the worst years of my life..more painful than my father's death and more painful than all the deaths i dealt with last year. I look forward to this year ending and hope that if anything that the life that is fighting and raging in me will come forth so that I won't have to fight to live any longer..that it will just blossom in me...to want to enjoy life the way it was meant to be...

well... hopefully tomorrow will be a day of rest because I'm feeling sick still and still have not taken a day for myself...

the signs

I think that I've been through my share of difficulties this Christmas.. This morning we had to leave the house and at first of course the parent in me directed the events of today... This has been an interesting holiday this time around as i scope around and see my family.. nothing would warm my heart than just to continiously tell them how much I cherish each of them. it has nothing to do with the life they live, the things they do, or what they say or do to me..my heart has always been in them... they are my sacturary..they are my place of solitude.. each of them carries a trait of me and my life...the legacy I had hoped to see months ago...in thinking my life had to be perfect that I had to become something more than this, that someone else would live my life the way I had hoped too..
This is not the case in this situation..as i proudly introduce all of my family members I could not be more proud to be alive and here today... we spent the day travelling together and I continued to think of my father wishing he were here, but as i looked into my brother's eyes I knew he was because we carry him with us wherever we go..
We went to the new Tim Hortons and I was filled with joy it didn't matter what kind of people we were, how poor we are, it was about sitting and enjoying the greatest part of Canadian life sitting in that Tim Hortons surrounded by my family....except Jeff of course..

Today I introduced myself to strangers...I'm not sure why but I believe this is a part of Christmas that must be expressed in giving to others...whether it be a good morning, friendly smile, or merry Christmas...this is what I'm living here for..is to see these moments and capture them in a way that cannot be explained.
I mean...one thing I continued to say to my lady was that with family there will always be difficulty, there will always be one or two family members who struggle with whatever history they had, whether there or not...its that we are there now and sharing an unconditional love.. no matter what happens I'll always love angie and randy. they are my brother and sister. I care for them and believe the person they are underneath the drugs and alcohol.. its not the surface that I look too it's their heart.

Just as much as I believe my lady loves me....she loves me because she has seen a light underneath the darkness I have felt...underneath the scars, underneath the hard shell of the beast of me...in the depths of it all there is a light there is a beauty that very rarely we ever have the chance to see...however when we do..life could not be more perfect because that is the person that I was meant to be...I do not regret who I am.. this lifestyle of mine the times of my past, the trials, the pain, and heartache..I dont regret it because I know with it the seasons have caused me to change and grow, and live in whatever way I felt necessary for that season.

i feel very outta it..at the moment...i have been sick for over a week and tonight I'm not sure what it is that's got to me..the lack of sleep, the pills, the cough syrup that I feel now I should not have taken because i think it was over its expiration date.. well..theres a lot going on in my head as I lay here my head pounding my breathing acting differently... the scratch in my throat, the runny nose..I know that this sickness is here to force me to stop...stop and take care of myself and all that I must take care of... I can't let myself push my own limits because it'll hurt me if I try much harder...I'll feel myself falling apart.. just yesterday I felt like I had been getting better and than lastnight happened and everything has changed I feel like I'm getting worse I think the added stress of lastnight and fear, anger etc..lack of taking care of myself..has pushed me back into this sickness..once again forcing me to look at myself..and finding ways to take care of myself.
I need to be better so that i can be here for them..those kids are the world to me and I know i'm not there parent but in part a piece of me is their parent in some form..they all look up to me, watch me my actions and my reactions, everything I do is seen by them.... even lastnight was a test of the life of me..the person I could've been and the person i chose to be...and I reacted with great honor and I held back everything and made the right decision...because deep down as my lady continues to say to me that this is the person I am supposed to be...deep down I know as she does that there is life underneath it all..because...I was created for greatness...and I dont know what I'm going through right now...

But I know I'm here...I'm here physically, in the present absorbing the good and bad of family gatherings..I could not be more proud of being a part of this family...to love each of them unconditionally..and to respect them and their choices and decisions..I know each of them will do great things and even if they don't it doesn't matter because of them mean the world to me and no matter what they do I will always love them..

todays events...were memorible..I cherished today because I spent it with my family enjoying the city the good and bad...and we have the new Tim Hortons to remember this time whatever way that might seem.. it's been a beautiful day with the family..I needed this..I needed to be dirt poor right now, and have them not ask for money but a good laugh and some good pictures, videos of today...this is how I'd like to spend Christmas just a day like today... less drama and more love, laughter and joy..there might be hope for Christmas in this household afterall.

Good day...good night... i really really need to get better and stop being paranoid about the feelings that are going on in my body....I'm not sure what it is but if it gets worse welll than its another trip to the doctor, or hospital...hopefully it's just my body telling me I need some rest...

with that I say goodnight

collapse

The events of today must be reminded to me of the person I could've been and the choices I made to be smarter than that... I'm not even sure what to write about but at first I'll write about the memories I have of this man that was a monster in my life....He met my mom very shortly after my fathers death I never had a desire to know him because I felt it was too soon for him to be with my mom....not less than a year later they had my sister....
the years that followed were covered in the things that created what i believe the beast of me...
He was a violent man a woman abuser, and he hated me and my brothers for breathing... we had to fight for food, fight for a moment with our mother, and we had to fight for her to recognize we were her children.. so you can catch my drift when I say he really was a major part of my childhood problems after my father's death... I had been abused and hurt by him and I know a lot of the beginning of things I had started had a lot to do with his words... i still remember what he used to say... "should I stick a needle in my arm and kill myself like your father" He really despised me...
I listened to a lot of hard ass rotten hater music because of him..
Well... after he had my sister they had another one..my baby sister... and he was gone before she was even born..all messed up in drugs and alcohol...got into a lot of trouble..my sisters hardly knew him and even now hardly know him... Now that I was older I made some solid decisions to put fear in his eyes of me and my brothers...we were bigger now, older and full of anger towards such a man like this..
So now when he came around he'd know me..he'd know I was no longer afraid of him and there will never be a day again that he'd ever hit anyone of us... since than he's been afraid of coming around because my fist is strong, I am strong..

However about a week ago he ended up showing up at my mom's door step...and when that day came i knew I would not be leaving my mother's house...as long as this man was in the house I would not leave...at first few days he was good coperative, and used good communication skills. not long after however.... that beast of him started to come out... I tried..to stand back.. because one thing I said to his daughters, my sisters is that I would not cause him harm unless he hurt anyone in the family...this is who I am now... I reminded them continously that I didn't know what it was like to have a father, and I would not deprive them of him. I did tell them that if anything happened that I would have to step in..,but that I didn't want too because I wanted them to know their father..
Honestly it was good..they laughed. they cried from laughing, their stomachs hurt from laughing.. they were happy..I was happy to have them happy because there is nothing greater than a child's laughter..their father really made them smile and had fun with them...

Than tonight happened...

Tonight was a true test of what kind of person I am... and what i could do...but once again the constant only thing in my mind is those girls.. I would not want to jeopordize their opportunity to have their father with them..so i restrained from the anger and frustration I wanted to dish out as this man..their father came stumbling into the house..drunk... he was tanked..and it was the first time the girls had seen this event..and both of them broke down in tears...my fists began to clentch as i prepared myself to get into a fight...to finally use my abilities as a very strong young woman to prevent this man from causing harm on anyone in the family. I would rather him come at me than hurt anyone...the emotional toll of his choices was the tie breaker of the pain I had wished my sisters would never have to experience...
My brother...was the only one who made the right decision..if it were up to me..I would drag him out and throw him outta the house for his stupidity in deciding to drink and come staggering back to his kids... we ended up calling the cops and they came and helped us deal with them. I explained his history with our family how he became violent under the influence how he had hurt us, and how he has a history of violent behaviours in this household..and that i wouldve done everything to protect them..they applauded my brother for calling the cops...

The night...has ended...in a way I wish wouldve never come to pass..he was forcibly removed from the house and is probably sitting at a police station drunk tank..
he has money for the bus to go home...the girls don't want to see their father anytime soon... this is all thanks for his own choices but also the helping hand of a man that I never trusted and wish that wasn't involved with my family...

The heartache and pain that those girls suffered..tonight... I could've ripped someone's head off because I was so angry about the whole situation.I just wanted to save them from this pain. save them from all these things that they witnessed of tonight..
with that the stories...came.... I told them about the nights with my father...how no one opened the door for him, how he slept outside the sliding door..how i stayed up late night until my mother was asleep just to let my dad in,...and how lucky the girls are to have my brother and I around to find a place for their father, whereas my father would cry his heart out..
I explained to them... that any decision I had decided would have been for their own good... I love these kids tremendously unconditionally... and both girls came to me saying that this was the worst christmas ever...

the events of today.... has truly hurt me because I had witnessed the pain in their eyes.. it brought back the pain in my own...when I witnessed these sorts of things as a daily experience that I had to face..
I did however tell them why...why I didnt do hardcore drugs, why I wanted to break the cycle and why I loved them regardless that I had hated their father...and that I love them uncondtionally..and that no matter what happens that will never change..

well... thats the events of today... the pain and heartache I have dealt with days before Christmas... and with that... I must sleep...its going to be a crazy week and I hope that we all can recover from this difficult night.... there is fear in my heart as I worry he will come back and if that happens...than I'll have to put on the armor of the beast of me...an react... but I hope that he's smart enough to know he cannot come back here..this is not his home....and his daughters are hurt by these events...

laterz

overwhelmed

i'm not sure exactly whats going on with me right now...I'm not sure...It could be that for the last three days my brother has been drinking....I have been at my moms forever and i've been cleaning, and do everything...dealing with children rather than teenagers and adults...Ive found myself dealing with children...it bothers me...and than on top of all that..I just can't imagine what I will be doing with my life...you know?
i realize that even though I dread the day of my birthday coming up in a few months..reality is I'm looking at all the things I had hoped or places I had hoped to be.... Realizing these things... knowing the future I had hoped for may not come to pass... all by my own hands..I have single handly destructed my own future and all that awaited or that I thought had awaited me... All the plans all the goals I had hoped to accompish...well its not going to happen..
I'm feeling the feelings I once felt...the feelings that I have to choose to fight my own demons in times like these.... christmas is coming up and I dont feel the season.. I just want to hide.. just not be here on that day... I'm not a happy person right now...I'm not happy about all the responsibilities I have found myself carrying...and people keep telling me to stop to just let them go...but than I do and few months later I'm back and life has not changed and everything is still the same...and i can't help but want it to be better...I have high hopes for certain people in my family that i know if i stick around maybe they will do better...but I guess I may or may not be let down...but I'd hope my presence here would make a difference..

It actually got me thinking.... of this idea of darkness...of the things that cause me or help me choose self-destruction...the idea of suicide or death of me... the idea of the effects I would have on many many people... it bothers me because these people have great things going for them.. to imagine where they would be if i had choosen something like that...It got me thinking... you know how much it wouldn't matter if I was drinking or doing drugs? I'd be like my sister a ghost.. someone that you rarely see and when you do it's a unwanted presence... but than when I think of going back to drinking or someting all's I can see is my death coming to pass..and than when it comes to drugs...well... no matter what I do... when I think of drugs I think of my father, I think of my auntie I think of my older sister...and thats all I need to think about when it comes to drugs... so than what else is there? there is a choice... a choice to not allow the little things that are tormenting me now destroy me...but when i am where I am..acting or behaving this way and witnessing all these damn things than I feel like a failure.. I feel the worthlessness and the damn fear of my past...the fear of that piece of shit of me that is trying to cry...

i should've went away.. i shouldve just left..I should have just bought a ticket and left.. and said screw it all... but reality is I couldn't do that because I know that i can't.. I cant do that..that's no longer who I am..this is not what I can do... so i am stuck here... and so I have to hope that tomorrow I'll get some air...maybe travel as far away from here as i can possibly go just to get away... because if i dont than I won't be able to make it much longer. I worry you know.. I worry about myself in this state of mind..because this is the vulnerable part of me.. this is the part of me that is so close...so close to destruction...I have to recognize these feelings recognize that this is just for the moment and hope that i can be smart enough to choose the right decision even if i only can make it to another day...that's all that matters you know? just one more day...One more moment, one more...just one...

once again convincing myself I am not going crazy...I'm not... I may have lost everything that I felt mattered to me...and even than at times I dont even know who I am now.. I dont know what's going on with me... the confusion of this stupid mind games i play with myself between life and death... and the destruction of myself...damn it you have no idea how ashamed I feel for being so damn stupid to continue to cut to have these disgusting scars on my arms! I have to wait another year before I can put a tattoo over one of them but the other one I'll never be able to cover it! I really hate this part of me that has to be like this...

I'm not losing it...just trying to figure things out...i have too...I really have too... I can picture the results of any choice i make that is not fighting to live..i can see it...and at times like this moment it is the only thing stopping me...no one...should ever struggle like this..and I am! what is wrong with me! I'm sick of trying sick of this battle that I am feeling the way I'm feeling...

trying to breath...I just one more day...one more day that's all I can deal with is tomorrow... that's it...

think of me

another song that I have come to really enjoy "think of me" by Haystack...Where to begin with words? I feel like a hassle eto my family my presence here is not welcome because I live by rules, guidelines and limitations...things that were taught to me by foster parents, by people who cared for my well being... things that made me smarter and protected in any situation... I have noticed that since my presence being here it doesn't seem to be that way at all.... it seems the opposite..I'm making people cry, making them do something other than nothing.... in the process of this I'm forced to see what kind of family I have...
Is it that terrible that I feel like I can't even be here for christmas? I cant put myself through this much longer.. I thought that I could withstand the flaws of my family to accept them as they are, and hope one day for change...regrettably this does not seem to be the case..As i continue to see someone in my family continously reach for a bottle....I can't stand this sight of him...this whatever it is that is in him that is causing him to act this way... its because of him that i feel like I can't be here any longer... I cant try help my family when they are comfortable with this kind of lifestyle...
You know whats really sad? I'm trying to fight my own demons on whether the events of now are my fault...those teenage years of acting that way, those years of torment...what am I talking about not even years ago less than eight months ago...I've destructed myself...and it had affected them and although I didn't force the bottle into his hand....well I wasn't a good example...not only that its almost like they are numb to it you know? Don't notice it or try to avoid it because of whatever reason...

i'm not looking forward to leaving...its honestly not what i want to do... I worry about them.. I worry about what they will do, or have done or what might happen to them... the amount of people in the house...well it seems my words are gold, I am the man of the house..I keep the peace, I keep protection...but the ultimate price of it..I guess is that I am the most despised person in the house.... for the first time in days weeks months I feel tears wanting to run down my face because I'm getting fed up..... I'm feeling the familiar feelings of snapping from the events I am forced to face with family... I'm not sure whats going to happen..I can only hope that whatever decision I make..I only make for my benefit...I have always been known to sit and be tortured at the expanse of my soul just for the safety for my family... I could be beaten and hurt badly before I'd ever turn my back on my family.
If only things were different you know...If only

I worry....I worry tremendously...that actions and choices and decisions I make now... instead of death, instead of drugs, instead of alcohol, instead of self abuse...what have I done? I feel like I'm not doing much...I feel like i'm causing more damage because my words can be venom and I can literally hurt more than help...
I guess....the time has come...to go back... go back to my home...go back and hope that the familly will take care of themselves... I can't do this any longer.. I worry for my safety how much more of this I can handle.... this is honestly breaking me...

Other than the drama of the house.... I guess..I'm trying to figure things out you know.. I'm not sure how I'm going to work through these times in my life..i just..i need to get through this.. i need to make the decisions for myself, in the eyes of my family they will see it as selfishness but reality is I'm good to no one until I take care of myself...and this is the first part to it...

who knows whats going to happen...what is the right decision.... whats the right words... I'm tired and exhausted to think of answers tonight...but I hope that I make the right decision before doing something stupid...no not stupid but just don't need any more of this crap of my own darkness mixed with family stuff..dont need that..