WOW! In a day of struggle that I struggled yesterday however I reached out to the right people in those moments I needed help and guidance or support as some might say ;)
However it's got me back to this place... this place of utter seclusion utter fear and a desperate cry for help as I once again find myself at a place of grief. To many people grief means so many amazing things, so many amazing opportunities but to me... grief means something so scary and dark an unknown place that I am too scared to go too. however I realized that its only as I walk through this grief that I'll truly find my healing and although for this moment for today Im okay with going through grief... I know that everyday is a different day and that emotions will well up in me and I'll be scared, and I'll feel unsafe but that's something I like about my supports...
I have a counselor, a psychologist, a mentor, a outreach worker, doctor, and a friend. we are all coming together on a specific day to have conference... it's kind of strange an funny all my people are coming together to think of how to serve me better, for everyone to be on the same page of how to help me in this process of healing... A rocky road I have already felt the effects of it, and have already considered everyday of turning back going back to that ledge... but a fear is so engraved in my soul of ever being on that ledge ever again and I have to fight my own self when it comes to the easy way out.
Anyhow although those are the main people coming to my conference meeting it's not the just because if you really wanted too.. We'd be inviting Unya, JIBC, Bladerunners, and all sorts of people who are in my life on a daily basis or were in my life at a time.. However thats not why Im doing this... Honestly I dont know why Im doing this just that I am... In hope that I would never find myself on that ledge never find myself in that desperate place of needing to scream so much..
I'm not sure how many times or if I had talked about Officer Michelle... If I haven't while she was the officer that came to talk to me on that ledge.. And although yesterday there were some feelings deep within me that did not sit well with me... My psychologist in all her glory shared with me what a joy it could be to have had someone go beyond the call of duty to help me, to be someone in my life and not just be a badge number and person. It's with this realization that I have more of an appreciation for Officer Michelle.. It does not try an excuse whether I was happy or sad about coming off that ledge... I have wrote it many times in my journal how it's felt to still feel on that ledge in my mind, I might physically not be there but emotionally and mentally I still find myself contemplating the reasons or desires for coming off that ledge.
I have anticipated a call from Officer Michelle but she said it'd be a few weeks so I wait everyday in being able to share a bit of this situation with her through my eyes. I would like to see her again but am sure if it doesn't come together it's okay because no matter what she'll always be more to me then an officer of the law... she was a person, a caring person for me that night, a friend I needed... and nothing can take that away from me..
My psychologist suggested that I keep a record of these good moments to help get me through this moments of times of grief.. I will keep Officer Michelle with me alongside a few other things..
Now I'm sure many are wondering why I'm thinking or writing about grief. Honestly its the only place I've never looked, only place I've been buried under and only place I've never found the courage to go.. I want more out of this life of mine but can't get past the grief.. I had never been told about grief I have surely felt the horribleness of grieving for loved ones... But I've never had someone tell me about it in a way or time that I could understand...Until now.. As I struggle with 589 I also see it so intertwined with my father's death and in these deaths I have found... that I had buried them in a place far away from me but yet not far... Because every so often I'd feel it and react on it in drinking, suicidal thoughts, or just some foolish choice I'd make... Trying to bury it in my soul, bury it away in a small place... but the effects have overwhelmed me and now force me to deal with this time, this place, this person that I've become.
In order to move forward. In order to become all I hope to be... I must open this door... this door that's been hidden, hidden with lies, with pain, with sorrow, and with many regrets. I hid it away in fear of seeing it and in fear that if I truly faced it that I'd truly and utterly fall apart and suffer so much pain that I'd take my own life..
However I must say that even just opening the door to me it's a big step, to acknowledge this place and time in my life... is to acknowledge that I know I'm not all I hope to be.. But I'm willing to find a place of rest, find a place of dealing with these two deaths that have signified the brokenness in my soul... And when I think of brokenness I thought of being emotional, being so beyond repair, so a basket case of emotion, and I don't love emotion all that much... so when I think of brokenness I think of being emotional.. however what I did not consider is that this is a place of my life, brokenness to me is different from others...
In my brokenness it's become not too overwhelming that I can't handle, and it's not something I feel I can't bare. It's a little bit of a little bit... It's a place of slowly but surely dealing with it..
In my brokenness... in my place of where I'm at I don't find it unbearable. I find it to be a place of fear and scared... But I also am okay... Regardless you know...
Today I'm feeling okay in finally knowing what it is that I am going to deal with and what kind of place I will get too. It's okay with me and it's a process and everything that I will see how it goes. But I hope that even in all of these things I hope that I find myself, find my heart and find that this door this darkness this utter pain, and despair to not be squeezing the life out of me...
All a process.. Believe me when I say everyday will be a different day and today I might be okay but tomorrow is another day, and so on... It's all a choice but it's also this process of healing and place of everything...
But for now I'm here... and I look forward to trying and I mean really utterly trying to get through this time in my life. I can't promise anything but I can only TRY and hope to find it within myself to get through these dark places...
Until then I will see how it goes... For now I'll be going to class this weekend, working through this book on grief and keeping my bases covered with my support network... This is all I can do and it seems just moving that little bit it's made me see something new, something different but something in a sense of Healing.
laterz
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
dont wanna do this anymore
The cycle continues...dark clouds continue to envelope me an desperate need to overflow with emotion but that door has been closed... There's a constant storm of events in my life that cause me to be at this point... One major thing is an anniversary is coming up and therefore I feel the burden of it.... I've been thinking of it tremendously and trying to find a way to explain it.. I would say in these terms...it's worse then carrying luggage it's a weight on my shoulder, a burden more that I am carrying and each day I try to straighten out and breath just for a moment...But just to do that takes all my energy and I feel overweight of this burden on me.
However in the next hour it'll change... as paraphrased... the paintbrush comes out and I pretend for a while that everything is as it should be... In an hour my mother and youngest sister will be in my area and so I'll see them...and in that time I'll play this facade of who I am just to keep them at ease, at a distance...
When I go home tonight it'll be there the weight and the fear. as if welcoming me home to the point of despair... How I wish for one moment that I could breath that I could see this beautiful day as it is... and yet I'm still here... in this place scared and worried tremendously of these things...
How I long so badly so tremendously for that one day to just be okay you know? Since being out of the hospital I find myself so much weight so much burden and so much fear... so much so much that it's unbearable... Once school starts I wont worry as much because I'll throw myself into school... My counselor told me to invest in supports more and not be so lost in this time alone but I'm scared too you know? How much more can regular people be ready for me? Whereas the people trained for this job are able to help me the proper way... I don't know I'm still considering the choices I have with my support people...
I keep thinking if I breath enough if I straighten my posture enough maybe this weight will be lifted off me...How I am very wrong... The weight continues to grow in me and I'm feeling so out of place when I was on Broadway today all's I could think about is how I need to be back at Skidrow I needed to be there... I don't know why but I just needed it...Only when I was there did I feel better and feel just for a brief moment I was okay to be okay to be this way..
Times running out for me to feel this way... Soon enough I take out the paintbrush, this shell of whatever it is and become someone completely different... I have enough people worrying about me that I just don't need this any more... I don't want my friends or family members to worry... although I'm not sure how hopeful I am being... I just so desperately want to get out of this you know? so desire it so much to just one day...Just for one day not feel this way.... I want just one day where I can see the beautiful ocean, see those beautiful mountains, to feel the beautiful ray of sun shining down on me, just one day you know? It's too much to ask for someone like me... I'm worried about myself and worried but trying you know? Each day I'm still here and that's all that matters... At some point in some time I'll get through this and I'll find my purpose and reason and until then I'm still here...
However I was at Family night last night...Oh for a brief moment while those drums were playing oh man was I happy to be there.. So tonight I will return again once again to the west-coast family night and feel the drums again... Oh how I wish I could sing, play a drum, dance... Throw myself into such a powerful culture for now I'm on the side lines but soon enough I'll be where I need to be... I've got the right people who are helping me see the strength and tremendous beauty it is to be a First Nation person... I love it really I do... Just as much as I had found my strength in the idea of a Police Officer now I find it in my culture... So I have something to look forward to tonight and that just for that it changes my mood too you know?
I'm still scared... Still afraid of the outcome of my choices and decisions or the one's that have already been made... I'm scared of tomorrow... I'm terrified of tomorrow and hope if I do breakdown that someone will be there to help keep me safe because I'm scared.. you have no idea the hollowness of my soul how it longs to out poor all these things... I need it so badly and tomorrow is the ultimate test of my heart and I pray to God that he'll find someone someone to be there for me for this one brief moment.. One brief moment let me be okay.. If I break down let that be okay and let me be okay for that moment.. I hope it's okay.. either way that's enough I guess..
laterz
However in the next hour it'll change... as paraphrased... the paintbrush comes out and I pretend for a while that everything is as it should be... In an hour my mother and youngest sister will be in my area and so I'll see them...and in that time I'll play this facade of who I am just to keep them at ease, at a distance...
When I go home tonight it'll be there the weight and the fear. as if welcoming me home to the point of despair... How I wish for one moment that I could breath that I could see this beautiful day as it is... and yet I'm still here... in this place scared and worried tremendously of these things...
How I long so badly so tremendously for that one day to just be okay you know? Since being out of the hospital I find myself so much weight so much burden and so much fear... so much so much that it's unbearable... Once school starts I wont worry as much because I'll throw myself into school... My counselor told me to invest in supports more and not be so lost in this time alone but I'm scared too you know? How much more can regular people be ready for me? Whereas the people trained for this job are able to help me the proper way... I don't know I'm still considering the choices I have with my support people...
I keep thinking if I breath enough if I straighten my posture enough maybe this weight will be lifted off me...How I am very wrong... The weight continues to grow in me and I'm feeling so out of place when I was on Broadway today all's I could think about is how I need to be back at Skidrow I needed to be there... I don't know why but I just needed it...Only when I was there did I feel better and feel just for a brief moment I was okay to be okay to be this way..
Times running out for me to feel this way... Soon enough I take out the paintbrush, this shell of whatever it is and become someone completely different... I have enough people worrying about me that I just don't need this any more... I don't want my friends or family members to worry... although I'm not sure how hopeful I am being... I just so desperately want to get out of this you know? so desire it so much to just one day...Just for one day not feel this way.... I want just one day where I can see the beautiful ocean, see those beautiful mountains, to feel the beautiful ray of sun shining down on me, just one day you know? It's too much to ask for someone like me... I'm worried about myself and worried but trying you know? Each day I'm still here and that's all that matters... At some point in some time I'll get through this and I'll find my purpose and reason and until then I'm still here...
However I was at Family night last night...Oh for a brief moment while those drums were playing oh man was I happy to be there.. So tonight I will return again once again to the west-coast family night and feel the drums again... Oh how I wish I could sing, play a drum, dance... Throw myself into such a powerful culture for now I'm on the side lines but soon enough I'll be where I need to be... I've got the right people who are helping me see the strength and tremendous beauty it is to be a First Nation person... I love it really I do... Just as much as I had found my strength in the idea of a Police Officer now I find it in my culture... So I have something to look forward to tonight and that just for that it changes my mood too you know?
I'm still scared... Still afraid of the outcome of my choices and decisions or the one's that have already been made... I'm scared of tomorrow... I'm terrified of tomorrow and hope if I do breakdown that someone will be there to help keep me safe because I'm scared.. you have no idea the hollowness of my soul how it longs to out poor all these things... I need it so badly and tomorrow is the ultimate test of my heart and I pray to God that he'll find someone someone to be there for me for this one brief moment.. One brief moment let me be okay.. If I break down let that be okay and let me be okay for that moment.. I hope it's okay.. either way that's enough I guess..
laterz
Monday, October 5, 2009
one change
I'm going to share something I wrote in my journal as it is something I find significant in my life
October 4, 2009
I'm an Alcoholic...I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcohol is in the picture. There is no feeling of relief as I say these words I'm angry and furious that I cannot manage alcohol. I can't go out and have two drinks with the self control. When I think of alcoholics I think of a constant black out state of mind, all money goes to alcohol, and just a filthy life lived in the presence of alcohol. I never thought that my life that I would struggle with something so small and yet here I am.
I see the patterns my life in terms of when Sh** gets too rough or when I feel a sense of failure it is only then that I feel like drinking but that is where I'm powerless over alcohol.. It upsets me...I hate the idea of being a statistic and that I am not able to be like others to enjoy one drink... I cant enjoy live music, dancing or any of that... I'm angry because I admit I have a problem with liquor is just so fuc*** up to me... But in just reading the first step of how my life is powerless an unmanageable...
I don't like it I hate that I have to admit it... How did I get here? and why did I get here? I'm scared to figure out what is fun for me because I had some fun while drinking... It was only when I didn't stop myself that I could not manage myself and my foolish actions... I'm ashamed to admit that I am powerless over alcohol..it makes me feel like I have truly become my parents.
Just thinking of that makes me want to fail or fall away because I never wanted to be my parents and I guess admitting this is to admit a true reality and opportunity to change my life before it gets worse. Although after all the scars on my body I'm not sure how much it has changed you know? How could I admit this change and when Ive got all these scars and just for that it would be how could I enjoy life and the person I am to become if I've got a drinking problem and scars that could have destroyed my life!
It makes me angry that I had to admit this..because to me it means I became my parents it doesn't matter if it was only two years of my life it still to me means a failure to live and strive for greatness. Its taken me a lot to make it to this point...But I honestly and utterly hate myself I hate everything I've become.. And for that I want to fall apart because it scares me.
Seriously...At 24yrs old I admitted that I'm an alcoholic that alcohol is a poison to me and releases the beast of burden..it makes me self-destruct.
I hate that my life my path in life must change that I cant utterly cant enjoy life.. I mean in all the times of drinking I was not always this messed up. I had fun times I had good times but its in the last six to nine months that alcohol became a poison to me... Well maybe that's not true but I hate that I have to admit this time in my life. I have found myself powerless and my life flipped upside down because I had to admit something like this... But I guess for me to admit that I honestly have a drinking problem well it means there is opportunity to change..and...
Honestly I can't stop thinking about this. I cant even truly comprehend what it truly means to admit I have a problem drinking. it makes me sad. I don't know who I am or what my purpose in the world but I admit that I don't know except that I know I can't drink, and I can't freaking do this anymore.
Everything I've ever been everything in my life all I've learned and all I've known is to say its all full of Sh**... These things I must tear away at and rip them from my inner being in hope to do better,be better and I don't know what that looks like but that I cant be everything I've always been because so far it continues to bring me in this cycle. And to admit that I have problem is to admit that my life is not the way people like Dave, Uncle Henry, Uncle Dave thought I could be. Its to say my life became what I dread and that is the vicious cycle of family history... I admitted that I have a problem and now its like I'm in the cycle that everyone thought I wasn't... I was the good child the one that didn't throw her life away into addictions, the one who could not live my life the way my family did... What am I going to do with myself?
I feel real sh**** that I had to admit this and I shouldn't feel this way but I hate that everyone was right about me! I feel like I failed at not being a part of that cycle. I've thought of my father a lot and I really wish.... I mean my psychologist asked if there was one wish what would it be? It would be that one day! One fuc*ing day as my father walked out of the house... that was the last time I seen him sober and clean. I wish I could run after him... say to him "daddy daddy please don't leave I need you, drinking and drugs is not the answer and say dad if you go you will die on Oct 27 and put me through the worst pain I could ever feel and because of that dad... I'm going to choose self-destruction I'm going to hate myself and my life and I'm going to suffer unimaginable pain at the hands of men. I wish I could stop him tell him dad I feel like its my fault that your not here... Its my fault that you left if you hadn't heard from me that mom did what she did you'd still be here... and because of that I will suffer so much pain and feel unworthy and unforgiven for everything in my life."
If I could change one thing it would be to tell my father that and have that change where he is now... That's what I wish I could change...for that I think my life would've been different.. my dad spent tons of time with me there's hardly a time I remember him not being there.. Today my mom told me that my dad probably took me to Stanley Park and to the seabus to spend time with me.. its in these ways I know truly and utterly that once upon a time I was loved unconditionally... I didn't have to do anything but be his daughter and because of that he loved me unconditionally... its since his death that I feel like I have utterly failed and would never be whole again. 589 is the true test of how utterly broken and messed up I am in my own self-destructive path.
RIP DADDY!
An entry...I felt like sharing... my life is still up in the air I don't know where I am going, what I am doing... I only hope to reach out before I really and utterly end my life in a not great way. today I was at a memorial service and hope that I wont let those I love suffer the pain that the man talked about... I really hope to find my way through these dark waters before I make a poor decision... I have to reach out! I HAVE TO SCREAM!!! YELL that I need help, I need resources, and I need people to come alongside me don't fight for me, fight with me... don't tell me how to live my life be an example of a life well lived!
Don't worry if you catch me on Skidrow I'm not doing drugs that place lately has been my home I find myself there to see the life that was...that could have been and that is why I am there.... I will never choose to drink or do drugs anytime soon but I need to be there in order to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my life...
Another 24hrs.
October 4, 2009
I'm an Alcoholic...I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcohol is in the picture. There is no feeling of relief as I say these words I'm angry and furious that I cannot manage alcohol. I can't go out and have two drinks with the self control. When I think of alcoholics I think of a constant black out state of mind, all money goes to alcohol, and just a filthy life lived in the presence of alcohol. I never thought that my life that I would struggle with something so small and yet here I am.
I see the patterns my life in terms of when Sh** gets too rough or when I feel a sense of failure it is only then that I feel like drinking but that is where I'm powerless over alcohol.. It upsets me...I hate the idea of being a statistic and that I am not able to be like others to enjoy one drink... I cant enjoy live music, dancing or any of that... I'm angry because I admit I have a problem with liquor is just so fuc*** up to me... But in just reading the first step of how my life is powerless an unmanageable...
I don't like it I hate that I have to admit it... How did I get here? and why did I get here? I'm scared to figure out what is fun for me because I had some fun while drinking... It was only when I didn't stop myself that I could not manage myself and my foolish actions... I'm ashamed to admit that I am powerless over alcohol..it makes me feel like I have truly become my parents.
Just thinking of that makes me want to fail or fall away because I never wanted to be my parents and I guess admitting this is to admit a true reality and opportunity to change my life before it gets worse. Although after all the scars on my body I'm not sure how much it has changed you know? How could I admit this change and when Ive got all these scars and just for that it would be how could I enjoy life and the person I am to become if I've got a drinking problem and scars that could have destroyed my life!
It makes me angry that I had to admit this..because to me it means I became my parents it doesn't matter if it was only two years of my life it still to me means a failure to live and strive for greatness. Its taken me a lot to make it to this point...But I honestly and utterly hate myself I hate everything I've become.. And for that I want to fall apart because it scares me.
Seriously...At 24yrs old I admitted that I'm an alcoholic that alcohol is a poison to me and releases the beast of burden..it makes me self-destruct.
I hate that my life my path in life must change that I cant utterly cant enjoy life.. I mean in all the times of drinking I was not always this messed up. I had fun times I had good times but its in the last six to nine months that alcohol became a poison to me... Well maybe that's not true but I hate that I have to admit this time in my life. I have found myself powerless and my life flipped upside down because I had to admit something like this... But I guess for me to admit that I honestly have a drinking problem well it means there is opportunity to change..and...
Honestly I can't stop thinking about this. I cant even truly comprehend what it truly means to admit I have a problem drinking. it makes me sad. I don't know who I am or what my purpose in the world but I admit that I don't know except that I know I can't drink, and I can't freaking do this anymore.
Everything I've ever been everything in my life all I've learned and all I've known is to say its all full of Sh**... These things I must tear away at and rip them from my inner being in hope to do better,be better and I don't know what that looks like but that I cant be everything I've always been because so far it continues to bring me in this cycle. And to admit that I have problem is to admit that my life is not the way people like Dave, Uncle Henry, Uncle Dave thought I could be. Its to say my life became what I dread and that is the vicious cycle of family history... I admitted that I have a problem and now its like I'm in the cycle that everyone thought I wasn't... I was the good child the one that didn't throw her life away into addictions, the one who could not live my life the way my family did... What am I going to do with myself?
I feel real sh**** that I had to admit this and I shouldn't feel this way but I hate that everyone was right about me! I feel like I failed at not being a part of that cycle. I've thought of my father a lot and I really wish.... I mean my psychologist asked if there was one wish what would it be? It would be that one day! One fuc*ing day as my father walked out of the house... that was the last time I seen him sober and clean. I wish I could run after him... say to him "daddy daddy please don't leave I need you, drinking and drugs is not the answer and say dad if you go you will die on Oct 27 and put me through the worst pain I could ever feel and because of that dad... I'm going to choose self-destruction I'm going to hate myself and my life and I'm going to suffer unimaginable pain at the hands of men. I wish I could stop him tell him dad I feel like its my fault that your not here... Its my fault that you left if you hadn't heard from me that mom did what she did you'd still be here... and because of that I will suffer so much pain and feel unworthy and unforgiven for everything in my life."
If I could change one thing it would be to tell my father that and have that change where he is now... That's what I wish I could change...for that I think my life would've been different.. my dad spent tons of time with me there's hardly a time I remember him not being there.. Today my mom told me that my dad probably took me to Stanley Park and to the seabus to spend time with me.. its in these ways I know truly and utterly that once upon a time I was loved unconditionally... I didn't have to do anything but be his daughter and because of that he loved me unconditionally... its since his death that I feel like I have utterly failed and would never be whole again. 589 is the true test of how utterly broken and messed up I am in my own self-destructive path.
RIP DADDY!
An entry...I felt like sharing... my life is still up in the air I don't know where I am going, what I am doing... I only hope to reach out before I really and utterly end my life in a not great way. today I was at a memorial service and hope that I wont let those I love suffer the pain that the man talked about... I really hope to find my way through these dark waters before I make a poor decision... I have to reach out! I HAVE TO SCREAM!!! YELL that I need help, I need resources, and I need people to come alongside me don't fight for me, fight with me... don't tell me how to live my life be an example of a life well lived!
Don't worry if you catch me on Skidrow I'm not doing drugs that place lately has been my home I find myself there to see the life that was...that could have been and that is why I am there.... I will never choose to drink or do drugs anytime soon but I need to be there in order to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my life...
Another 24hrs.
Friday, October 2, 2009
struggling with my own self
The last time I wrote I was living...living life in school living life in the pressure of school... trying to throw my support people aside so that I could live a better life... However since then a lot has happened... I made yet another poor decision but honestly don't regret it because its by these problems that Im able to be where I am today...to see things a little differently..
I was at a three hour stand off trying to end my life...alcohol was a factor yet again... the events that led me up to that ledge was that I felt that I had failed... failed at protecting those I love and care for the most and could not be strong... I was pressured with throwing my life into school, all my energy all of everything... I made the decision to go to College and try make a better time of myself..
We can't change until we know whats going on, can't move forward until we know where we've been. the biggest news I heard after three hours and being taken off that ledge....was that I have struggled with life and death since I was a kid... I talk often about being accustomed to being okay with drinking and drugs... but all these things are self-destruction... just as much as I didn't drink regulary and didn't do drugs...i accustomed myself into a self-destructive state. always believing wholehearitdly that I would fail... I would never become a Police Officer and I would always struggle with my mental health.
One thing I learned since that day is that I play mindgames... lots of people have told me this lots of people have tried to tell me this...but not many people have actually helped me get out of this state of mind, or show it to me in a new way... thankfully my pschyologist had told me this in a way that I'd understand where I am and where I've been...
Im really glad I didn't jump....I was afraid because I didn't really want this to be my life forever you know? to struggle to live and struggle my own demons of self-destruction... but I've for the first been given the tools to reach out to people...reach out to resources...and the more I continue to battle my own self the more it seems I have people to fall back on... that night as I was on that ledge the officer that was there officer Michelle as I know her... she really helped pull me back and although I wanted to jump I also wanted to know if I could live?
I dont really remember much of my conversation with officer Michelle but I know she spoke with sincereity and she really tried to care and she helped take me off that ledge....I may not be able to become a Police Officer but I want to support them in their fight to change the world.. I dont know what the future looks like but as I know it in the next year of my life I wont be entering into the Police academy..
Lots of people are telling me to give up school.. to turn my back on the fight to be in school... this is not the answer for me... I just need to find the balance a proper transition into school... to have my support of friends and family as well as maintaining my stuff with school...
This is the first time Im really not looking at the surface events of my life..new scars, new heartache...but actually looking deep within myself...why do I do these things? i may not be like all other aboriginal people....but I still carry the same customs in self-destruction whether it be by drugs, alcohol, or self-abuse... I have the opportunity to change...to become something more then this.... I talk so often about wanting to help change the outlook on native people, and the effects of the downtown eastside...never really looking at myself and where I've been and how I've gotten here...
so for the next few months years, or days...the only thing I can and need to focus on is myself... I need to know why I kept jumping on the ledge, why i seen blades as my only friend, and why I believe so strongly why people dont deserve a person like me...I've always only been about my own pain, my own self-destructive path... I dont want my life to be this way. I dont want to always be writing about the heartache and pain I suffer... I want more outta life...I want to see the beauty the way that people see the beauty of this city, and I want to see myself as a person who deserves the life thats been given to me...
Today officer Michelle gave me a call... a woman's voice I remember hearing and believing.. i thought she was like all about I dont know...but she seems different and the insight she gives me now gives me a different outlook on life... on the life of a Police Officer...or the life they live.. the downtown eastside they hope to change... I really appreciateed the phone call.. it really made me really happy...because she really has a lot of greatness about her...and maybe I wont become a Police Officer but I always want to help people like her make better of the downtown eastside and the voice of aboriginal people..to no longer be shut because of whatever it is... if that's all I can do as close as I can get to becoming a Police officer is to share my story with them and help them see the job they could do well, or the things they could change...then I would feel I've done my part...
Who knows....maybe in the next ten years my life will change..maybe I'll find the true and utter healing of my life to be sure Im never on a ledge or with a blade... because deep down this experience taught me that I found it within myself to live... I dont want to die... I don't want to end everything...I truly want to live..and for the first time Im only looking at myself...Im not looking at the customs my people have been cut too..Im only looking at myself..and what it was those many many years ago that cause this self-destructive beast come into my life..and be my supposed friend and keep making me feel that I dont have a choice or a voice...
I hope that I do make it...and that I do find that place thats dark in myself...and that as I reach those places that I will continue to have a support system that will help me breakdown so that I could pull myself back together without those self-destructive behaviours...thats my only hope and prayer and maybe one day I'll be able to be there for other people the way my support has been there for me...
Thank you to Officer Michelle for calling...and for being there..maybe you are yet another support, or maybe your there to learn from me...what I've known all my life...and maybe the reasons we were there was so I could shed light and that you could share your stories with me too...
laterz
I was at a three hour stand off trying to end my life...alcohol was a factor yet again... the events that led me up to that ledge was that I felt that I had failed... failed at protecting those I love and care for the most and could not be strong... I was pressured with throwing my life into school, all my energy all of everything... I made the decision to go to College and try make a better time of myself..
We can't change until we know whats going on, can't move forward until we know where we've been. the biggest news I heard after three hours and being taken off that ledge....was that I have struggled with life and death since I was a kid... I talk often about being accustomed to being okay with drinking and drugs... but all these things are self-destruction... just as much as I didn't drink regulary and didn't do drugs...i accustomed myself into a self-destructive state. always believing wholehearitdly that I would fail... I would never become a Police Officer and I would always struggle with my mental health.
One thing I learned since that day is that I play mindgames... lots of people have told me this lots of people have tried to tell me this...but not many people have actually helped me get out of this state of mind, or show it to me in a new way... thankfully my pschyologist had told me this in a way that I'd understand where I am and where I've been...
Im really glad I didn't jump....I was afraid because I didn't really want this to be my life forever you know? to struggle to live and struggle my own demons of self-destruction... but I've for the first been given the tools to reach out to people...reach out to resources...and the more I continue to battle my own self the more it seems I have people to fall back on... that night as I was on that ledge the officer that was there officer Michelle as I know her... she really helped pull me back and although I wanted to jump I also wanted to know if I could live?
I dont really remember much of my conversation with officer Michelle but I know she spoke with sincereity and she really tried to care and she helped take me off that ledge....I may not be able to become a Police Officer but I want to support them in their fight to change the world.. I dont know what the future looks like but as I know it in the next year of my life I wont be entering into the Police academy..
Lots of people are telling me to give up school.. to turn my back on the fight to be in school... this is not the answer for me... I just need to find the balance a proper transition into school... to have my support of friends and family as well as maintaining my stuff with school...
This is the first time Im really not looking at the surface events of my life..new scars, new heartache...but actually looking deep within myself...why do I do these things? i may not be like all other aboriginal people....but I still carry the same customs in self-destruction whether it be by drugs, alcohol, or self-abuse... I have the opportunity to change...to become something more then this.... I talk so often about wanting to help change the outlook on native people, and the effects of the downtown eastside...never really looking at myself and where I've been and how I've gotten here...
so for the next few months years, or days...the only thing I can and need to focus on is myself... I need to know why I kept jumping on the ledge, why i seen blades as my only friend, and why I believe so strongly why people dont deserve a person like me...I've always only been about my own pain, my own self-destructive path... I dont want my life to be this way. I dont want to always be writing about the heartache and pain I suffer... I want more outta life...I want to see the beauty the way that people see the beauty of this city, and I want to see myself as a person who deserves the life thats been given to me...
Today officer Michelle gave me a call... a woman's voice I remember hearing and believing.. i thought she was like all about I dont know...but she seems different and the insight she gives me now gives me a different outlook on life... on the life of a Police Officer...or the life they live.. the downtown eastside they hope to change... I really appreciateed the phone call.. it really made me really happy...because she really has a lot of greatness about her...and maybe I wont become a Police Officer but I always want to help people like her make better of the downtown eastside and the voice of aboriginal people..to no longer be shut because of whatever it is... if that's all I can do as close as I can get to becoming a Police officer is to share my story with them and help them see the job they could do well, or the things they could change...then I would feel I've done my part...
Who knows....maybe in the next ten years my life will change..maybe I'll find the true and utter healing of my life to be sure Im never on a ledge or with a blade... because deep down this experience taught me that I found it within myself to live... I dont want to die... I don't want to end everything...I truly want to live..and for the first time Im only looking at myself...Im not looking at the customs my people have been cut too..Im only looking at myself..and what it was those many many years ago that cause this self-destructive beast come into my life..and be my supposed friend and keep making me feel that I dont have a choice or a voice...
I hope that I do make it...and that I do find that place thats dark in myself...and that as I reach those places that I will continue to have a support system that will help me breakdown so that I could pull myself back together without those self-destructive behaviours...thats my only hope and prayer and maybe one day I'll be able to be there for other people the way my support has been there for me...
Thank you to Officer Michelle for calling...and for being there..maybe you are yet another support, or maybe your there to learn from me...what I've known all my life...and maybe the reasons we were there was so I could shed light and that you could share your stories with me too...
laterz
Thursday, September 24, 2009
productive rather than procrastination
What an interesting set of days for a weekend for me.. Classes were fabulous I only say that phrase because that's one thing I noticed in class the instructor as well as the director of CAPS has a thing for saying that phrase.
Honestly though class was good the first day was a little difficult because of my circumstances in my own life and then the weight of everything I deal with on a daily basis was overwhelmingly difficult to focus. The days following became real fun an it was such an excitement to entire into class knowing full well that I was accepted into this community of amazing aboriginal people.
The weekend class though so exhausting probably because of the work I did I felt so tired a majority of the time, and at times the conversations in our groups became unbearable at times but only because I was able to see the triggers in my life when it comes to certain conversations which was good to know, good to see and an opportunity to talk to my psychologist and counselor about to continue to walk the road of healing.
Apart from that I guess it's real awesome to be in I mean for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people who want to become leaders in their community, and also live a life of sobriety what more could I ask for? I am surrounded by the kind of people that bring out the best in me.
As for the work can't complain takes a lot of focus and a lot of time and energy but well worth it to better myself and my knowledge in areas I may not have seen before.
However as my weekend began this Monday I did not come to a comfortable place, I had found out my sister had ended up in the hospital over the weekend... she had been beaten up by her mother and she also apparently tried to kill herself... So my start to the weekend well my weekend I was deep in thought of how to be there for her and not let myself draw back into the beast I fight off.. being furious that she had been surrounded by family in a drinking environment and took the worst of it... the following day I went to memorial ceremony with my mom and it had been a lady I knows father that passed away... the impact of that alone hit home for me and I was deeply sad by the reasons for his death.
I couldn't focus on my work for school or even desire to try my best to do perfect not that I am a perfectionist but my writing has always been able to shine....however with all I had to face those few days I felt overwhelmed and yesterday I had really felt the affects of these choices and decisions I had been surrounded by.
My heart became heavy and I became unclear and disorientated by the circumstances in my life and for a brief moment in my voice, in my head I had wanted and desired to give up. the weight of my family life, and the circumstances I had come into became unbearable. I felt unable to turn to people for help and felt vulnerable to these circumstances in my life. I was really sad and I had hoped to find strength or hope to get through these times in my life... It was not the case and I was really sad and ready to give up. I stayed at the Friendship Centre with my mother and sister and not long after I finally met the Police Officer that would be a mentor for me. I watched and observed her interaction with the people the elders of our family night. I was very impressed and a question that I had thought of earlier that evening was answered as I watched this amazing Police Officer relate and spend time with these aboriginal people... Was very amazing and must have been very rewarding I was glad to have stayed and make right choices...
I woke up late today with a fresh start on my life... I know full well that I'm moving forward in my despite the regret or choices I had made in the past. Being in school is an opportunity for me to get involved in my community as well as learn my strengths and my weaknesses to find the strength in those weaknesses.. I am glad and honored to have the opportunity to be in school to get a proper and most efficient education.
I'm very excited and looking forward to being back in class because I need a much needed distraction from my life, to know I'm moving forward and that I'm going to make it in spite of all the obstacles I have faced or continue to face..
thanks
Laterz
Honestly though class was good the first day was a little difficult because of my circumstances in my own life and then the weight of everything I deal with on a daily basis was overwhelmingly difficult to focus. The days following became real fun an it was such an excitement to entire into class knowing full well that I was accepted into this community of amazing aboriginal people.
The weekend class though so exhausting probably because of the work I did I felt so tired a majority of the time, and at times the conversations in our groups became unbearable at times but only because I was able to see the triggers in my life when it comes to certain conversations which was good to know, good to see and an opportunity to talk to my psychologist and counselor about to continue to walk the road of healing.
Apart from that I guess it's real awesome to be in I mean for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people who want to become leaders in their community, and also live a life of sobriety what more could I ask for? I am surrounded by the kind of people that bring out the best in me.
As for the work can't complain takes a lot of focus and a lot of time and energy but well worth it to better myself and my knowledge in areas I may not have seen before.
However as my weekend began this Monday I did not come to a comfortable place, I had found out my sister had ended up in the hospital over the weekend... she had been beaten up by her mother and she also apparently tried to kill herself... So my start to the weekend well my weekend I was deep in thought of how to be there for her and not let myself draw back into the beast I fight off.. being furious that she had been surrounded by family in a drinking environment and took the worst of it... the following day I went to memorial ceremony with my mom and it had been a lady I knows father that passed away... the impact of that alone hit home for me and I was deeply sad by the reasons for his death.
I couldn't focus on my work for school or even desire to try my best to do perfect not that I am a perfectionist but my writing has always been able to shine....however with all I had to face those few days I felt overwhelmed and yesterday I had really felt the affects of these choices and decisions I had been surrounded by.
My heart became heavy and I became unclear and disorientated by the circumstances in my life and for a brief moment in my voice, in my head I had wanted and desired to give up. the weight of my family life, and the circumstances I had come into became unbearable. I felt unable to turn to people for help and felt vulnerable to these circumstances in my life. I was really sad and I had hoped to find strength or hope to get through these times in my life... It was not the case and I was really sad and ready to give up. I stayed at the Friendship Centre with my mother and sister and not long after I finally met the Police Officer that would be a mentor for me. I watched and observed her interaction with the people the elders of our family night. I was very impressed and a question that I had thought of earlier that evening was answered as I watched this amazing Police Officer relate and spend time with these aboriginal people... Was very amazing and must have been very rewarding I was glad to have stayed and make right choices...
I woke up late today with a fresh start on my life... I know full well that I'm moving forward in my despite the regret or choices I had made in the past. Being in school is an opportunity for me to get involved in my community as well as learn my strengths and my weaknesses to find the strength in those weaknesses.. I am glad and honored to have the opportunity to be in school to get a proper and most efficient education.
I'm very excited and looking forward to being back in class because I need a much needed distraction from my life, to know I'm moving forward and that I'm going to make it in spite of all the obstacles I have faced or continue to face..
thanks
Laterz
Monday, September 14, 2009
from the start
Since July 31,2009 I went in search of a goal...in search for someone to believe in my cause for my future. I searched to the bitter end until I got sick of thinking that my future was vuluable and just when I was about to give up....everything came together the way it needed too.
The process of my life before the events of my acceptance letter from my College... Let me tell you straight up the journey has not been easy at all since February..since May...since June!! the reason those times are highlighted is because those were the darkest times in my life. I had come in and out of hospital care, seen someone I love die, and once again drinking was a major factor in my life that I could not let go of... I realized that drinking for me was my identity...
is that sad or what?
My return to Vancouver... this is definetly not the way I had pictured it all you know! I had dreams of my return to Vancouver.... thought of it so clearly thinking that I'd be healed, I'd be whole or at least a little stable...I honestly didn't realize how clearly...how clearly angry I was of the events of my life... I had found out my baby sister was sexually abused by a family friend, but the worst of it is everyone waited five years before telling me..
I was angry.. angry with my family...angry with myself.. feeling like I had made the wrong decision in leaving to Ontario... In Ontario it was easier believe me it was easier to think of how great my life was, I was in school, I was making it whatever way I could.. I was trying... and I was living...
So since my return... I had to figure out whether Ontario was worth it you know? I loved Ontario, I loved NLGH, I loved Oshawa, and I loved my time there... but I had to determined whether I made the right decision you know? Was I really where I had hoped to be? I left Vancouver looking for a purpose...looking for a reason to live, a reason to keep going forward in my life...
You know what...I found it... In all the turmoil of my life.. all the aches and heartbreak of my life I am able to say this long journey of my life...from the bitterness of the past to the glorious future I feel like I found it... The reason I am where I am today. And although... I'm still as angry as I am. I also see that I'm not as angry as I used to be. If I had been as angry as I used to be well then I wouldn't be here today. I would be in jail, I would've committed a serious crime out of anger. It took me a long time to decide that was not the way of my life.
It takes a lot of guts for me to stand down you know? to allow this kind of cruelty to happen and stand aside doing nothing about it...but that's the other thing you know? I did what I could to help my family...I moved back to vancouver and as I have well my family has changed just a little bit.. My brother is back in school, my sister is no longer having nightmares. I came back to protect them honor them, and love them.
I got way off track..but that's the history of my situation my state of mind. the struggle to find myself here and now. the past could forever cripple me to drinking and maybe one day drugs, I could ruin everything in whatever way i wish it. I could go to utterly self-destruct because I feel I've let down my family, and I have many times tried to end it all. My friends here in Vancouver are witness to my lifestyle my drinking, my cutting and my utter hatred for myself, and the pain I feel in my life.
It would be easy you know... for me to return to the life of drinking and one day drugs. It would be so easy so simple, it's like so many people would not fault me for choosing that way of life. I would not even care about myself. My future. I could utterly self-destruct and it wouldn't matter so many people would see it as my choice. It is my choice to self-destruct. but its not what I want outta my life you know??
I've seen the vicious venomess pattern in my family cycle for years, generations, the curse of drinking and drugs, I've felt the pain of it. I've suffered at the hands of drinkers, drug users, and child abuse, I've suffered at the hands of these things, i bear scars on my body not by my own hand but by the hand of those who were my guardians, I suffer emotional wounds that prevent me from trusting anyone, or getting close to anyone, and a fear lives in me that as good as things are so also will it destruct into the worst imaginable pain.
You know...even as I write these words on this blog so also i write the history in the making my life choices. I could give up. I could kill myself, I could run away from everything. But you know what I've learned? Running doesn't change the circumstances of my life it may alter them but those problems follow me everywhere I go. so whats the point?
My life.. as crazy as it's been in the past. as crazy as I've been in and out of the hospital, as much as I struggled for purpose. as i struggled with reason, with courage, strength and everything! It took me nearly two years to figure it out! figure out that my life was not intended for this kind of destruction. My life has a purpose a reason!
Something so great! I don't really know what it is but Im walking it out as I go along.. Choosing every day as difficult as it is.. to say no to drinking, to say no to self-destruction... You know the price of this? the price of this habit? the price of it? Is that I had built my identity, my life around drinking, around the character I had become in that process.. But guess what!
My lady says this to me just as much as I start to understand it... This is the transformation of my life! Being accepted into College having all the funding for school, for my living situation and everything is the beginning of the beautiful process of my life being transformed into a great glorious future.
As I enter into school, enter into the process of school so be the beginning of a fresh start in my life. As clearly as my new tattoo reminds me of the reason I choose life, the things I had to give up, so also this large scar that took 34 stitches in my left arm would remind me of the future.
remind of the price I have paid to my life. price I have paid to everything! I could've jeopordized my life, my future, I could've continued on the destructive path but I knew it was not meant for me. My life is now moving forward!
This Thursday is the new beginning of the future for me. An opportunity to prove to others and to myself what kind of person I am.. What kind of person I've been all my life hidden beneath all the destruction, all the walls, under the hard surface.. Ive been here all along.
I look forward to writing again about the opportunities that I will be getting into as I start school, and process the news as I continue on with this chosen lifestyle of mine. I want to thank all those who prayed for me, those who believed in me, and those who stood by me in the darkest of my times, and the hardest of times, with the glory seeming so far. I see it so clearly now and Im ready to move forward in my life! Thank you my lady for truly exceeding my expecations of what I figured all people were, and for proving me wrong time and again! I love you!
Thanks for listenning! NEVER GIVE UP! FAITH! BELIEVE! It only takes one person to believe in you! and when that happens the FAITH rises in you and you become what was there all along!
LATERZ <3
The process of my life before the events of my acceptance letter from my College... Let me tell you straight up the journey has not been easy at all since February..since May...since June!! the reason those times are highlighted is because those were the darkest times in my life. I had come in and out of hospital care, seen someone I love die, and once again drinking was a major factor in my life that I could not let go of... I realized that drinking for me was my identity...
is that sad or what?
My return to Vancouver... this is definetly not the way I had pictured it all you know! I had dreams of my return to Vancouver.... thought of it so clearly thinking that I'd be healed, I'd be whole or at least a little stable...I honestly didn't realize how clearly...how clearly angry I was of the events of my life... I had found out my baby sister was sexually abused by a family friend, but the worst of it is everyone waited five years before telling me..
I was angry.. angry with my family...angry with myself.. feeling like I had made the wrong decision in leaving to Ontario... In Ontario it was easier believe me it was easier to think of how great my life was, I was in school, I was making it whatever way I could.. I was trying... and I was living...
So since my return... I had to figure out whether Ontario was worth it you know? I loved Ontario, I loved NLGH, I loved Oshawa, and I loved my time there... but I had to determined whether I made the right decision you know? Was I really where I had hoped to be? I left Vancouver looking for a purpose...looking for a reason to live, a reason to keep going forward in my life...
You know what...I found it... In all the turmoil of my life.. all the aches and heartbreak of my life I am able to say this long journey of my life...from the bitterness of the past to the glorious future I feel like I found it... The reason I am where I am today. And although... I'm still as angry as I am. I also see that I'm not as angry as I used to be. If I had been as angry as I used to be well then I wouldn't be here today. I would be in jail, I would've committed a serious crime out of anger. It took me a long time to decide that was not the way of my life.
It takes a lot of guts for me to stand down you know? to allow this kind of cruelty to happen and stand aside doing nothing about it...but that's the other thing you know? I did what I could to help my family...I moved back to vancouver and as I have well my family has changed just a little bit.. My brother is back in school, my sister is no longer having nightmares. I came back to protect them honor them, and love them.
I got way off track..but that's the history of my situation my state of mind. the struggle to find myself here and now. the past could forever cripple me to drinking and maybe one day drugs, I could ruin everything in whatever way i wish it. I could go to utterly self-destruct because I feel I've let down my family, and I have many times tried to end it all. My friends here in Vancouver are witness to my lifestyle my drinking, my cutting and my utter hatred for myself, and the pain I feel in my life.
It would be easy you know... for me to return to the life of drinking and one day drugs. It would be so easy so simple, it's like so many people would not fault me for choosing that way of life. I would not even care about myself. My future. I could utterly self-destruct and it wouldn't matter so many people would see it as my choice. It is my choice to self-destruct. but its not what I want outta my life you know??
I've seen the vicious venomess pattern in my family cycle for years, generations, the curse of drinking and drugs, I've felt the pain of it. I've suffered at the hands of drinkers, drug users, and child abuse, I've suffered at the hands of these things, i bear scars on my body not by my own hand but by the hand of those who were my guardians, I suffer emotional wounds that prevent me from trusting anyone, or getting close to anyone, and a fear lives in me that as good as things are so also will it destruct into the worst imaginable pain.
You know...even as I write these words on this blog so also i write the history in the making my life choices. I could give up. I could kill myself, I could run away from everything. But you know what I've learned? Running doesn't change the circumstances of my life it may alter them but those problems follow me everywhere I go. so whats the point?
My life.. as crazy as it's been in the past. as crazy as I've been in and out of the hospital, as much as I struggled for purpose. as i struggled with reason, with courage, strength and everything! It took me nearly two years to figure it out! figure out that my life was not intended for this kind of destruction. My life has a purpose a reason!
Something so great! I don't really know what it is but Im walking it out as I go along.. Choosing every day as difficult as it is.. to say no to drinking, to say no to self-destruction... You know the price of this? the price of this habit? the price of it? Is that I had built my identity, my life around drinking, around the character I had become in that process.. But guess what!
My lady says this to me just as much as I start to understand it... This is the transformation of my life! Being accepted into College having all the funding for school, for my living situation and everything is the beginning of the beautiful process of my life being transformed into a great glorious future.
As I enter into school, enter into the process of school so be the beginning of a fresh start in my life. As clearly as my new tattoo reminds me of the reason I choose life, the things I had to give up, so also this large scar that took 34 stitches in my left arm would remind me of the future.
remind of the price I have paid to my life. price I have paid to everything! I could've jeopordized my life, my future, I could've continued on the destructive path but I knew it was not meant for me. My life is now moving forward!
This Thursday is the new beginning of the future for me. An opportunity to prove to others and to myself what kind of person I am.. What kind of person I've been all my life hidden beneath all the destruction, all the walls, under the hard surface.. Ive been here all along.
I look forward to writing again about the opportunities that I will be getting into as I start school, and process the news as I continue on with this chosen lifestyle of mine. I want to thank all those who prayed for me, those who believed in me, and those who stood by me in the darkest of my times, and the hardest of times, with the glory seeming so far. I see it so clearly now and Im ready to move forward in my life! Thank you my lady for truly exceeding my expecations of what I figured all people were, and for proving me wrong time and again! I love you!
Thanks for listenning! NEVER GIVE UP! FAITH! BELIEVE! It only takes one person to believe in you! and when that happens the FAITH rises in you and you become what was there all along!
LATERZ <3
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
moments to reflect
It's fall almost! I start College next week.. A part of me is still loving it but still waiting for it to fall apart..I think because of the person I am I think I'll have that part of me until my counselor, and supports help me get through that. I found a place to live... too... that starts this week...
To imagine the new beginning you know? To freshly say without lying without fear that i have not cut or been drinking.. This is a big step for me... I honestly couldn't imagine how I've come this far you know? How did I do this? no no wait.. No matter what parts of me of everything there is always the part of me that keeps the faith in God, in the creator for all thats happened.
Whenever I thought of giving up this last month I just said if it's meant to be it'll happen. and it did! The new beginning is a fresh start....new scars...but fresh start... this is something I always wonder you know? the scars... I mean if I could take away all but one..I'd do it... my tattoo artist said in two years he'll cover them for me... I cried just hearing that...
I've been through a lot the last few days...even... I had temptation, desires...frustration. and just a lack of perseverance on my side...but when I looked at my tattoo...looked at this constant reminder of everything...I was able to stay okay... there's got to be more you know? I couldn't just get where I am now and just give it all up? What's the point? but Im starting to see the pattern in my life, the opportunity to break the chains that have been tied on me... break the patterns, break this life of whatever it is that's trying to hold me back...to refuse to let go!
I must say...though.... there is a cost to all of it... the cost is small..seldom.. but the feeling of it is greater!
You know when I was drinking, when I was cutting...people just conformed to my way of life you know? they didn't judge me for it maybe they did but not to my face...people accepted me and all my faults...I wasn't told how to live my life, or given a guilt trip for cutting... however you know.. these people though...these friends of mine that were by my side...were all my drinking buddies, everyone I met in the last near two years of my life...were all the people I bought drinks with, shared stupid stories, and just foolish ways of life... The walk to Victory is hard enough as is... but when I feel like I've lost everything... I lost my friends... I know that they may not have been that great in their own lives, but the fact is...it's just hard to see myself moving forward when I see all these people...
The lives I had changed in the short-time I knew these people...to have to move on.. to refuse to run out at the call of duty for a friend in need...to say no... to focus on myself, my safety and well-being.. that's a really tough thing for me..... To spend the weekends hearing about parties, dances, brawls, and all that stuff...that I've missed out on...it makes me miss it for a short time.. you know?
I know that my life is meant to move forward! Im meant to do great things! I know this... please don't remind me of it! I just feel a piece of me being torn in two as I move forward and I am forced to let those I met leave them behind...only can pray they would hold on long enough till I can get to that place of being able to help them find their way, or even as I continue on..maybe that's their time to prepare for being ready...
I never thought of that...but honestly I think of that love my life... The reason no.. it's not easy I dont think for me on any point is it ever easy for me to let go of anyone in my life. anyhow for me to let go of that love is to say... you know if its meant to be...he's got a lot to deal with in his time and maybe that's what he's doing? and if I find him in the future...great! but if not.. well I had been loved by someone really awesome...and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that beautiful love!
Anyhow... as for my buddies...I know... that I have to let them go... i just... I just hope that it'll be okay you know? as much as we were drinking together...we also had some great times together, whether we were drunk or not... I made some good connections there and to let that go... it's not easy..
I feel like Im complaining about not being messed up any longer... it's not that though... it just seems more bland you know? I had a lot of excitement in that lifestyle.. that now that I am not there any longer... my life seems to just just be.... i dont know how to explain it...that's one reason Im happy to be entering in this College is that Im hoping to meet some really awesome people you know? new connections...people who have the same desire of change, and are able to stand on their own without the drinking...
I dont know if I make sense...but letting go of the past.... letting go of those days... is never an easy thing especially when I miss it as much as I do... to be invited out... soon enough I wont have time for that...and Im waiting for that because I really want to stay on the right track you know? I dont want to go that way in my life, I dont want to end my life... I never did...I was just in that place for that time... and now Im not there..it's great...
Either way I start school next week...and look forward to it!
laterz
To imagine the new beginning you know? To freshly say without lying without fear that i have not cut or been drinking.. This is a big step for me... I honestly couldn't imagine how I've come this far you know? How did I do this? no no wait.. No matter what parts of me of everything there is always the part of me that keeps the faith in God, in the creator for all thats happened.
Whenever I thought of giving up this last month I just said if it's meant to be it'll happen. and it did! The new beginning is a fresh start....new scars...but fresh start... this is something I always wonder you know? the scars... I mean if I could take away all but one..I'd do it... my tattoo artist said in two years he'll cover them for me... I cried just hearing that...
I've been through a lot the last few days...even... I had temptation, desires...frustration. and just a lack of perseverance on my side...but when I looked at my tattoo...looked at this constant reminder of everything...I was able to stay okay... there's got to be more you know? I couldn't just get where I am now and just give it all up? What's the point? but Im starting to see the pattern in my life, the opportunity to break the chains that have been tied on me... break the patterns, break this life of whatever it is that's trying to hold me back...to refuse to let go!
I must say...though.... there is a cost to all of it... the cost is small..seldom.. but the feeling of it is greater!
You know when I was drinking, when I was cutting...people just conformed to my way of life you know? they didn't judge me for it maybe they did but not to my face...people accepted me and all my faults...I wasn't told how to live my life, or given a guilt trip for cutting... however you know.. these people though...these friends of mine that were by my side...were all my drinking buddies, everyone I met in the last near two years of my life...were all the people I bought drinks with, shared stupid stories, and just foolish ways of life... The walk to Victory is hard enough as is... but when I feel like I've lost everything... I lost my friends... I know that they may not have been that great in their own lives, but the fact is...it's just hard to see myself moving forward when I see all these people...
The lives I had changed in the short-time I knew these people...to have to move on.. to refuse to run out at the call of duty for a friend in need...to say no... to focus on myself, my safety and well-being.. that's a really tough thing for me..... To spend the weekends hearing about parties, dances, brawls, and all that stuff...that I've missed out on...it makes me miss it for a short time.. you know?
I know that my life is meant to move forward! Im meant to do great things! I know this... please don't remind me of it! I just feel a piece of me being torn in two as I move forward and I am forced to let those I met leave them behind...only can pray they would hold on long enough till I can get to that place of being able to help them find their way, or even as I continue on..maybe that's their time to prepare for being ready...
I never thought of that...but honestly I think of that love my life... The reason no.. it's not easy I dont think for me on any point is it ever easy for me to let go of anyone in my life. anyhow for me to let go of that love is to say... you know if its meant to be...he's got a lot to deal with in his time and maybe that's what he's doing? and if I find him in the future...great! but if not.. well I had been loved by someone really awesome...and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that beautiful love!
Anyhow... as for my buddies...I know... that I have to let them go... i just... I just hope that it'll be okay you know? as much as we were drinking together...we also had some great times together, whether we were drunk or not... I made some good connections there and to let that go... it's not easy..
I feel like Im complaining about not being messed up any longer... it's not that though... it just seems more bland you know? I had a lot of excitement in that lifestyle.. that now that I am not there any longer... my life seems to just just be.... i dont know how to explain it...that's one reason Im happy to be entering in this College is that Im hoping to meet some really awesome people you know? new connections...people who have the same desire of change, and are able to stand on their own without the drinking...
I dont know if I make sense...but letting go of the past.... letting go of those days... is never an easy thing especially when I miss it as much as I do... to be invited out... soon enough I wont have time for that...and Im waiting for that because I really want to stay on the right track you know? I dont want to go that way in my life, I dont want to end my life... I never did...I was just in that place for that time... and now Im not there..it's great...
Either way I start school next week...and look forward to it!
laterz
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