Thursday, September 24, 2009

productive rather than procrastination

What an interesting set of days for a weekend for me.. Classes were fabulous I only say that phrase because that's one thing I noticed in class the instructor as well as the director of CAPS has a thing for saying that phrase.
Honestly though class was good the first day was a little difficult because of my circumstances in my own life and then the weight of everything I deal with on a daily basis was overwhelmingly difficult to focus. The days following became real fun an it was such an excitement to entire into class knowing full well that I was accepted into this community of amazing aboriginal people.

The weekend class though so exhausting probably because of the work I did I felt so tired a majority of the time, and at times the conversations in our groups became unbearable at times but only because I was able to see the triggers in my life when it comes to certain conversations which was good to know, good to see and an opportunity to talk to my psychologist and counselor about to continue to walk the road of healing.
Apart from that I guess it's real awesome to be in I mean for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people who want to become leaders in their community, and also live a life of sobriety what more could I ask for? I am surrounded by the kind of people that bring out the best in me.

As for the work can't complain takes a lot of focus and a lot of time and energy but well worth it to better myself and my knowledge in areas I may not have seen before.

However as my weekend began this Monday I did not come to a comfortable place, I had found out my sister had ended up in the hospital over the weekend... she had been beaten up by her mother and she also apparently tried to kill herself... So my start to the weekend well my weekend I was deep in thought of how to be there for her and not let myself draw back into the beast I fight off.. being furious that she had been surrounded by family in a drinking environment and took the worst of it... the following day I went to memorial ceremony with my mom and it had been a lady I knows father that passed away... the impact of that alone hit home for me and I was deeply sad by the reasons for his death.
I couldn't focus on my work for school or even desire to try my best to do perfect not that I am a perfectionist but my writing has always been able to shine....however with all I had to face those few days I felt overwhelmed and yesterday I had really felt the affects of these choices and decisions I had been surrounded by.

My heart became heavy and I became unclear and disorientated by the circumstances in my life and for a brief moment in my voice, in my head I had wanted and desired to give up. the weight of my family life, and the circumstances I had come into became unbearable. I felt unable to turn to people for help and felt vulnerable to these circumstances in my life. I was really sad and I had hoped to find strength or hope to get through these times in my life... It was not the case and I was really sad and ready to give up. I stayed at the Friendship Centre with my mother and sister and not long after I finally met the Police Officer that would be a mentor for me. I watched and observed her interaction with the people the elders of our family night. I was very impressed and a question that I had thought of earlier that evening was answered as I watched this amazing Police Officer relate and spend time with these aboriginal people... Was very amazing and must have been very rewarding I was glad to have stayed and make right choices...

I woke up late today with a fresh start on my life... I know full well that I'm moving forward in my despite the regret or choices I had made in the past. Being in school is an opportunity for me to get involved in my community as well as learn my strengths and my weaknesses to find the strength in those weaknesses.. I am glad and honored to have the opportunity to be in school to get a proper and most efficient education.

I'm very excited and looking forward to being back in class because I need a much needed distraction from my life, to know I'm moving forward and that I'm going to make it in spite of all the obstacles I have faced or continue to face..


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