Monday, October 5, 2009

one change

I'm going to share something I wrote in my journal as it is something I find significant in my life

October 4, 2009
I'm an Alcoholic...I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when alcohol is in the picture. There is no feeling of relief as I say these words I'm angry and furious that I cannot manage alcohol. I can't go out and have two drinks with the self control. When I think of alcoholics I think of a constant black out state of mind, all money goes to alcohol, and just a filthy life lived in the presence of alcohol. I never thought that my life that I would struggle with something so small and yet here I am.
I see the patterns my life in terms of when Sh** gets too rough or when I feel a sense of failure it is only then that I feel like drinking but that is where I'm powerless over alcohol.. It upsets me...I hate the idea of being a statistic and that I am not able to be like others to enjoy one drink... I cant enjoy live music, dancing or any of that... I'm angry because I admit I have a problem with liquor is just so fuc*** up to me... But in just reading the first step of how my life is powerless an unmanageable...
I don't like it I hate that I have to admit it... How did I get here? and why did I get here? I'm scared to figure out what is fun for me because I had some fun while drinking... It was only when I didn't stop myself that I could not manage myself and my foolish actions... I'm ashamed to admit that I am powerless over makes me feel like I have truly become my parents.
Just thinking of that makes me want to fail or fall away because I never wanted to be my parents and I guess admitting this is to admit a true reality and opportunity to change my life before it gets worse. Although after all the scars on my body I'm not sure how much it has changed you know? How could I admit this change and when Ive got all these scars and just for that it would be how could I enjoy life and the person I am to become if I've got a drinking problem and scars that could have destroyed my life!
It makes me angry that I had to admit this..because to me it means I became my parents it doesn't matter if it was only two years of my life it still to me means a failure to live and strive for greatness. Its taken me a lot to make it to this point...But I honestly and utterly hate myself I hate everything I've become.. And for that I want to fall apart because it scares me.
Seriously...At 24yrs old I admitted that I'm an alcoholic that alcohol is a poison to me and releases the beast of makes me self-destruct.
I hate that my life my path in life must change that I cant utterly cant enjoy life.. I mean in all the times of drinking I was not always this messed up. I had fun times I had good times but its in the last six to nine months that alcohol became a poison to me... Well maybe that's not true but I hate that I have to admit this time in my life. I have found myself powerless and my life flipped upside down because I had to admit something like this... But I guess for me to admit that I honestly have a drinking problem well it means there is opportunity to change..and...
Honestly I can't stop thinking about this. I cant even truly comprehend what it truly means to admit I have a problem drinking. it makes me sad. I don't know who I am or what my purpose in the world but I admit that I don't know except that I know I can't drink, and I can't freaking do this anymore.
Everything I've ever been everything in my life all I've learned and all I've known is to say its all full of Sh**... These things I must tear away at and rip them from my inner being in hope to do better,be better and I don't know what that looks like but that I cant be everything I've always been because so far it continues to bring me in this cycle. And to admit that I have problem is to admit that my life is not the way people like Dave, Uncle Henry, Uncle Dave thought I could be. Its to say my life became what I dread and that is the vicious cycle of family history... I admitted that I have a problem and now its like I'm in the cycle that everyone thought I wasn't... I was the good child the one that didn't throw her life away into addictions, the one who could not live my life the way my family did... What am I going to do with myself?
I feel real sh**** that I had to admit this and I shouldn't feel this way but I hate that everyone was right about me! I feel like I failed at not being a part of that cycle. I've thought of my father a lot and I really wish.... I mean my psychologist asked if there was one wish what would it be? It would be that one day! One fuc*ing day as my father walked out of the house... that was the last time I seen him sober and clean. I wish I could run after him... say to him "daddy daddy please don't leave I need you, drinking and drugs is not the answer and say dad if you go you will die on Oct 27 and put me through the worst pain I could ever feel and because of that dad... I'm going to choose self-destruction I'm going to hate myself and my life and I'm going to suffer unimaginable pain at the hands of men. I wish I could stop him tell him dad I feel like its my fault that your not here... Its my fault that you left if you hadn't heard from me that mom did what she did you'd still be here... and because of that I will suffer so much pain and feel unworthy and unforgiven for everything in my life."
If I could change one thing it would be to tell my father that and have that change where he is now... That's what I wish I could change...for that I think my life would've been different.. my dad spent tons of time with me there's hardly a time I remember him not being there.. Today my mom told me that my dad probably took me to Stanley Park and to the seabus to spend time with me.. its in these ways I know truly and utterly that once upon a time I was loved unconditionally... I didn't have to do anything but be his daughter and because of that he loved me unconditionally... its since his death that I feel like I have utterly failed and would never be whole again. 589 is the true test of how utterly broken and messed up I am in my own self-destructive path.

An entry...I felt like sharing... my life is still up in the air I don't know where I am going, what I am doing... I only hope to reach out before I really and utterly end my life in a not great way. today I was at a memorial service and hope that I wont let those I love suffer the pain that the man talked about... I really hope to find my way through these dark waters before I make a poor decision... I have to reach out! I HAVE TO SCREAM!!! YELL that I need help, I need resources, and I need people to come alongside me don't fight for me, fight with me... don't tell me how to live my life be an example of a life well lived!
Don't worry if you catch me on Skidrow I'm not doing drugs that place lately has been my home I find myself there to see the life that was...that could have been and that is why I am there.... I will never choose to drink or do drugs anytime soon but I need to be there in order to feel like I'm getting somewhere in my life...

Another 24hrs.

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