Friday, October 9, 2009


WOW! In a day of struggle that I struggled yesterday however I reached out to the right people in those moments I needed help and guidance or support as some might say ;)
However it's got me back to this place... this place of utter seclusion utter fear and a desperate cry for help as I once again find myself at a place of grief. To many people grief means so many amazing things, so many amazing opportunities but to me... grief means something so scary and dark an unknown place that I am too scared to go too. however I realized that its only as I walk through this grief that I'll truly find my healing and although for this moment for today Im okay with going through grief... I know that everyday is a different day and that emotions will well up in me and I'll be scared, and I'll feel unsafe but that's something I like about my supports...

I have a counselor, a psychologist, a mentor, a outreach worker, doctor, and a friend. we are all coming together on a specific day to have conference... it's kind of strange an funny all my people are coming together to think of how to serve me better, for everyone to be on the same page of how to help me in this process of healing... A rocky road I have already felt the effects of it, and have already considered everyday of turning back going back to that ledge... but a fear is so engraved in my soul of ever being on that ledge ever again and I have to fight my own self when it comes to the easy way out.
Anyhow although those are the main people coming to my conference meeting it's not the just because if you really wanted too.. We'd be inviting Unya, JIBC, Bladerunners, and all sorts of people who are in my life on a daily basis or were in my life at a time.. However thats not why Im doing this... Honestly I dont know why Im doing this just that I am... In hope that I would never find myself on that ledge never find myself in that desperate place of needing to scream so much..

I'm not sure how many times or if I had talked about Officer Michelle... If I haven't while she was the officer that came to talk to me on that ledge.. And although yesterday there were some feelings deep within me that did not sit well with me... My psychologist in all her glory shared with me what a joy it could be to have had someone go beyond the call of duty to help me, to be someone in my life and not just be a badge number and person. It's with this realization that I have more of an appreciation for Officer Michelle.. It does not try an excuse whether I was happy or sad about coming off that ledge... I have wrote it many times in my journal how it's felt to still feel on that ledge in my mind, I might physically not be there but emotionally and mentally I still find myself contemplating the reasons or desires for coming off that ledge.
I have anticipated a call from Officer Michelle but she said it'd be a few weeks so I wait everyday in being able to share a bit of this situation with her through my eyes. I would like to see her again but am sure if it doesn't come together it's okay because no matter what she'll always be more to me then an officer of the law... she was a person, a caring person for me that night, a friend I needed... and nothing can take that away from me..

My psychologist suggested that I keep a record of these good moments to help get me through this moments of times of grief.. I will keep Officer Michelle with me alongside a few other things..

Now I'm sure many are wondering why I'm thinking or writing about grief. Honestly its the only place I've never looked, only place I've been buried under and only place I've never found the courage to go.. I want more out of this life of mine but can't get past the grief.. I had never been told about grief I have surely felt the horribleness of grieving for loved ones... But I've never had someone tell me about it in a way or time that I could understand...Until now.. As I struggle with 589 I also see it so intertwined with my father's death and in these deaths I have found... that I had buried them in a place far away from me but yet not far... Because every so often I'd feel it and react on it in drinking, suicidal thoughts, or just some foolish choice I'd make... Trying to bury it in my soul, bury it away in a small place... but the effects have overwhelmed me and now force me to deal with this time, this place, this person that I've become.

In order to move forward. In order to become all I hope to be... I must open this door... this door that's been hidden, hidden with lies, with pain, with sorrow, and with many regrets. I hid it away in fear of seeing it and in fear that if I truly faced it that I'd truly and utterly fall apart and suffer so much pain that I'd take my own life..
However I must say that even just opening the door to me it's a big step, to acknowledge this place and time in my life... is to acknowledge that I know I'm not all I hope to be.. But I'm willing to find a place of rest, find a place of dealing with these two deaths that have signified the brokenness in my soul... And when I think of brokenness I thought of being emotional, being so beyond repair, so a basket case of emotion, and I don't love emotion all that much... so when I think of brokenness I think of being emotional.. however what I did not consider is that this is a place of my life, brokenness to me is different from others...
In my brokenness it's become not too overwhelming that I can't handle, and it's not something I feel I can't bare. It's a little bit of a little bit... It's a place of slowly but surely dealing with it..

In my brokenness... in my place of where I'm at I don't find it unbearable. I find it to be a place of fear and scared... But I also am okay... Regardless you know...
Today I'm feeling okay in finally knowing what it is that I am going to deal with and what kind of place I will get too. It's okay with me and it's a process and everything that I will see how it goes. But I hope that even in all of these things I hope that I find myself, find my heart and find that this door this darkness this utter pain, and despair to not be squeezing the life out of me...

All a process.. Believe me when I say everyday will be a different day and today I might be okay but tomorrow is another day, and so on... It's all a choice but it's also this process of healing and place of everything...
But for now I'm here... and I look forward to trying and I mean really utterly trying to get through this time in my life. I can't promise anything but I can only TRY and hope to find it within myself to get through these dark places...

Until then I will see how it goes... For now I'll be going to class this weekend, working through this book on grief and keeping my bases covered with my support network... This is all I can do and it seems just moving that little bit it's made me see something new, something different but something in a sense of Healing.


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