Monday, September 14, 2009

from the start

Since July 31,2009 I went in search of a search for someone to believe in my cause for my future. I searched to the bitter end until I got sick of thinking that my future was vuluable and just when I was about to give up....everything came together the way it needed too.
The process of my life before the events of my acceptance letter from my College... Let me tell you straight up the journey has not been easy at all since February..since May...since June!! the reason those times are highlighted is because those were the darkest times in my life. I had come in and out of hospital care, seen someone I love die, and once again drinking was a major factor in my life that I could not let go of... I realized that drinking for me was my identity...
is that sad or what?
My return to Vancouver... this is definetly not the way I had pictured it all you know! I had dreams of my return to Vancouver.... thought of it so clearly thinking that I'd be healed, I'd be whole or at least a little stable...I honestly didn't realize how clearly angry I was of the events of my life... I had found out my baby sister was sexually abused by a family friend, but the worst of it is everyone waited five years before telling me..
I was angry.. angry with my family...angry with myself.. feeling like I had made the wrong decision in leaving to Ontario... In Ontario it was easier believe me it was easier to think of how great my life was, I was in school, I was making it whatever way I could.. I was trying... and I was living...
So since my return... I had to figure out whether Ontario was worth it you know? I loved Ontario, I loved NLGH, I loved Oshawa, and I loved my time there... but I had to determined whether I made the right decision you know? Was I really where I had hoped to be? I left Vancouver looking for a purpose...looking for a reason to live, a reason to keep going forward in my life...
You know what...I found it... In all the turmoil of my life.. all the aches and heartbreak of my life I am able to say this long journey of my life...from the bitterness of the past to the glorious future I feel like I found it... The reason I am where I am today. And although... I'm still as angry as I am. I also see that I'm not as angry as I used to be. If I had been as angry as I used to be well then I wouldn't be here today. I would be in jail, I would've committed a serious crime out of anger. It took me a long time to decide that was not the way of my life.
It takes a lot of guts for me to stand down you know? to allow this kind of cruelty to happen and stand aside doing nothing about it...but that's the other thing you know? I did what I could to help my family...I moved back to vancouver and as I have well my family has changed just a little bit.. My brother is back in school, my sister is no longer having nightmares. I came back to protect them honor them, and love them.

I got way off track..but that's the history of my situation my state of mind. the struggle to find myself here and now. the past could forever cripple me to drinking and maybe one day drugs, I could ruin everything in whatever way i wish it. I could go to utterly self-destruct because I feel I've let down my family, and I have many times tried to end it all. My friends here in Vancouver are witness to my lifestyle my drinking, my cutting and my utter hatred for myself, and the pain I feel in my life.
It would be easy you know... for me to return to the life of drinking and one day drugs. It would be so easy so simple, it's like so many people would not fault me for choosing that way of life. I would not even care about myself. My future. I could utterly self-destruct and it wouldn't matter so many people would see it as my choice. It is my choice to self-destruct. but its not what I want outta my life you know??

I've seen the vicious venomess pattern in my family cycle for years, generations, the curse of drinking and drugs, I've felt the pain of it. I've suffered at the hands of drinkers, drug users, and child abuse, I've suffered at the hands of these things, i bear scars on my body not by my own hand but by the hand of those who were my guardians, I suffer emotional wounds that prevent me from trusting anyone, or getting close to anyone, and a fear lives in me that as good as things are so also will it destruct into the worst imaginable pain.

You know...even as I write these words on this blog so also i write the history in the making my life choices. I could give up. I could kill myself, I could run away from everything. But you know what I've learned? Running doesn't change the circumstances of my life it may alter them but those problems follow me everywhere I go. so whats the point?

My life.. as crazy as it's been in the past. as crazy as I've been in and out of the hospital, as much as I struggled for purpose. as i struggled with reason, with courage, strength and everything! It took me nearly two years to figure it out! figure out that my life was not intended for this kind of destruction. My life has a purpose a reason!

Something so great! I don't really know what it is but Im walking it out as I go along.. Choosing every day as difficult as it is.. to say no to drinking, to say no to self-destruction... You know the price of this? the price of this habit? the price of it? Is that I had built my identity, my life around drinking, around the character I had become in that process.. But guess what!

My lady says this to me just as much as I start to understand it... This is the transformation of my life! Being accepted into College having all the funding for school, for my living situation and everything is the beginning of the beautiful process of my life being transformed into a great glorious future.

As I enter into school, enter into the process of school so be the beginning of a fresh start in my life. As clearly as my new tattoo reminds me of the reason I choose life, the things I had to give up, so also this large scar that took 34 stitches in my left arm would remind me of the future.
remind of the price I have paid to my life. price I have paid to everything! I could've jeopordized my life, my future, I could've continued on the destructive path but I knew it was not meant for me. My life is now moving forward!
This Thursday is the new beginning of the future for me. An opportunity to prove to others and to myself what kind of person I am.. What kind of person I've been all my life hidden beneath all the destruction, all the walls, under the hard surface.. Ive been here all along.

I look forward to writing again about the opportunities that I will be getting into as I start school, and process the news as I continue on with this chosen lifestyle of mine. I want to thank all those who prayed for me, those who believed in me, and those who stood by me in the darkest of my times, and the hardest of times, with the glory seeming so far. I see it so clearly now and Im ready to move forward in my life! Thank you my lady for truly exceeding my expecations of what I figured all people were, and for proving me wrong time and again! I love you!

Thanks for listenning! NEVER GIVE UP! FAITH! BELIEVE! It only takes one person to believe in you! and when that happens the FAITH rises in you and you become what was there all along!


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