The cycle continues...dark clouds continue to envelope me an desperate need to overflow with emotion but that door has been closed... There's a constant storm of events in my life that cause me to be at this point... One major thing is an anniversary is coming up and therefore I feel the burden of it.... I've been thinking of it tremendously and trying to find a way to explain it.. I would say in these terms...it's worse then carrying luggage it's a weight on my shoulder, a burden more that I am carrying and each day I try to straighten out and breath just for a moment...But just to do that takes all my energy and I feel overweight of this burden on me.
However in the next hour it'll change... as paraphrased... the paintbrush comes out and I pretend for a while that everything is as it should be... In an hour my mother and youngest sister will be in my area and so I'll see them...and in that time I'll play this facade of who I am just to keep them at ease, at a distance...
When I go home tonight it'll be there the weight and the fear. as if welcoming me home to the point of despair... How I wish for one moment that I could breath that I could see this beautiful day as it is... and yet I'm still here... in this place scared and worried tremendously of these things...
How I long so badly so tremendously for that one day to just be okay you know? Since being out of the hospital I find myself so much weight so much burden and so much fear... so much so much that it's unbearable... Once school starts I wont worry as much because I'll throw myself into school... My counselor told me to invest in supports more and not be so lost in this time alone but I'm scared too you know? How much more can regular people be ready for me? Whereas the people trained for this job are able to help me the proper way... I don't know I'm still considering the choices I have with my support people...
I keep thinking if I breath enough if I straighten my posture enough maybe this weight will be lifted off me...How I am very wrong... The weight continues to grow in me and I'm feeling so out of place when I was on Broadway today all's I could think about is how I need to be back at Skidrow I needed to be there... I don't know why but I just needed it...Only when I was there did I feel better and feel just for a brief moment I was okay to be okay to be this way..
Times running out for me to feel this way... Soon enough I take out the paintbrush, this shell of whatever it is and become someone completely different... I have enough people worrying about me that I just don't need this any more... I don't want my friends or family members to worry... although I'm not sure how hopeful I am being... I just so desperately want to get out of this you know? so desire it so much to just one day...Just for one day not feel this way.... I want just one day where I can see the beautiful ocean, see those beautiful mountains, to feel the beautiful ray of sun shining down on me, just one day you know? It's too much to ask for someone like me... I'm worried about myself and worried but trying you know? Each day I'm still here and that's all that matters... At some point in some time I'll get through this and I'll find my purpose and reason and until then I'm still here...
However I was at Family night last night...Oh for a brief moment while those drums were playing oh man was I happy to be there.. So tonight I will return again once again to the west-coast family night and feel the drums again... Oh how I wish I could sing, play a drum, dance... Throw myself into such a powerful culture for now I'm on the side lines but soon enough I'll be where I need to be... I've got the right people who are helping me see the strength and tremendous beauty it is to be a First Nation person... I love it really I do... Just as much as I had found my strength in the idea of a Police Officer now I find it in my culture... So I have something to look forward to tonight and that just for that it changes my mood too you know?
I'm still scared... Still afraid of the outcome of my choices and decisions or the one's that have already been made... I'm scared of tomorrow... I'm terrified of tomorrow and hope if I do breakdown that someone will be there to help keep me safe because I'm scared.. you have no idea the hollowness of my soul how it longs to out poor all these things... I need it so badly and tomorrow is the ultimate test of my heart and I pray to God that he'll find someone someone to be there for me for this one brief moment.. One brief moment let me be okay.. If I break down let that be okay and let me be okay for that moment.. I hope it's okay.. either way that's enough I guess..
laterz
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