The last time I wrote I was living...living life in school living life in the pressure of school... trying to throw my support people aside so that I could live a better life... However since then a lot has happened... I made yet another poor decision but honestly don't regret it because its by these problems that Im able to be where I am today...to see things a little differently..
I was at a three hour stand off trying to end my life...alcohol was a factor yet again... the events that led me up to that ledge was that I felt that I had failed... failed at protecting those I love and care for the most and could not be strong... I was pressured with throwing my life into school, all my energy all of everything... I made the decision to go to College and try make a better time of myself..
We can't change until we know whats going on, can't move forward until we know where we've been. the biggest news I heard after three hours and being taken off that ledge....was that I have struggled with life and death since I was a kid... I talk often about being accustomed to being okay with drinking and drugs... but all these things are self-destruction... just as much as I didn't drink regulary and didn't do drugs...i accustomed myself into a self-destructive state. always believing wholehearitdly that I would fail... I would never become a Police Officer and I would always struggle with my mental health.
One thing I learned since that day is that I play mindgames... lots of people have told me this lots of people have tried to tell me this...but not many people have actually helped me get out of this state of mind, or show it to me in a new way... thankfully my pschyologist had told me this in a way that I'd understand where I am and where I've been...
Im really glad I didn't jump....I was afraid because I didn't really want this to be my life forever you know? to struggle to live and struggle my own demons of self-destruction... but I've for the first been given the tools to reach out to people...reach out to resources...and the more I continue to battle my own self the more it seems I have people to fall back on... that night as I was on that ledge the officer that was there officer Michelle as I know her... she really helped pull me back and although I wanted to jump I also wanted to know if I could live?
I dont really remember much of my conversation with officer Michelle but I know she spoke with sincereity and she really tried to care and she helped take me off that ledge....I may not be able to become a Police Officer but I want to support them in their fight to change the world.. I dont know what the future looks like but as I know it in the next year of my life I wont be entering into the Police academy..
Lots of people are telling me to give up school.. to turn my back on the fight to be in school... this is not the answer for me... I just need to find the balance a proper transition into school... to have my support of friends and family as well as maintaining my stuff with school...
This is the first time Im really not looking at the surface events of my life..new scars, new heartache...but actually looking deep within myself...why do I do these things? i may not be like all other aboriginal people....but I still carry the same customs in self-destruction whether it be by drugs, alcohol, or self-abuse... I have the opportunity to change...to become something more then this.... I talk so often about wanting to help change the outlook on native people, and the effects of the downtown eastside...never really looking at myself and where I've been and how I've gotten here...
so for the next few months years, or days...the only thing I can and need to focus on is myself... I need to know why I kept jumping on the ledge, why i seen blades as my only friend, and why I believe so strongly why people dont deserve a person like me...I've always only been about my own pain, my own self-destructive path... I dont want my life to be this way. I dont want to always be writing about the heartache and pain I suffer... I want more outta life...I want to see the beauty the way that people see the beauty of this city, and I want to see myself as a person who deserves the life thats been given to me...
Today officer Michelle gave me a call... a woman's voice I remember hearing and believing.. i thought she was like all about I dont know...but she seems different and the insight she gives me now gives me a different outlook on life... on the life of a Police Officer...or the life they live.. the downtown eastside they hope to change... I really appreciateed the phone call.. it really made me really happy...because she really has a lot of greatness about her...and maybe I wont become a Police Officer but I always want to help people like her make better of the downtown eastside and the voice of aboriginal people..to no longer be shut because of whatever it is... if that's all I can do as close as I can get to becoming a Police officer is to share my story with them and help them see the job they could do well, or the things they could change...then I would feel I've done my part...
Who knows....maybe in the next ten years my life will change..maybe I'll find the true and utter healing of my life to be sure Im never on a ledge or with a blade... because deep down this experience taught me that I found it within myself to live... I dont want to die... I don't want to end everything...I truly want to live..and for the first time Im only looking at myself...Im not looking at the customs my people have been cut too..Im only looking at myself..and what it was those many many years ago that cause this self-destructive beast come into my life..and be my supposed friend and keep making me feel that I dont have a choice or a voice...
I hope that I do make it...and that I do find that place thats dark in myself...and that as I reach those places that I will continue to have a support system that will help me breakdown so that I could pull myself back together without those self-destructive behaviours...thats my only hope and prayer and maybe one day I'll be able to be there for other people the way my support has been there for me...
Thank you to Officer Michelle for calling...and for being there..maybe you are yet another support, or maybe your there to learn from me...what I've known all my life...and maybe the reasons we were there was so I could shed light and that you could share your stories with me too...
laterz
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