It's fall almost! I start College next week.. A part of me is still loving it but still waiting for it to fall apart..I think because of the person I am I think I'll have that part of me until my counselor, and supports help me get through that. I found a place to live... too... that starts this week...
To imagine the new beginning you know? To freshly say without lying without fear that i have not cut or been drinking.. This is a big step for me... I honestly couldn't imagine how I've come this far you know? How did I do this? no no wait.. No matter what parts of me of everything there is always the part of me that keeps the faith in God, in the creator for all thats happened.
Whenever I thought of giving up this last month I just said if it's meant to be it'll happen. and it did! The new beginning is a fresh start....new scars...but fresh start... this is something I always wonder you know? the scars... I mean if I could take away all but one..I'd do it... my tattoo artist said in two years he'll cover them for me... I cried just hearing that...
I've been through a lot the last few days...even... I had temptation, desires...frustration. and just a lack of perseverance on my side...but when I looked at my tattoo...looked at this constant reminder of everything...I was able to stay okay... there's got to be more you know? I couldn't just get where I am now and just give it all up? What's the point? but Im starting to see the pattern in my life, the opportunity to break the chains that have been tied on me... break the patterns, break this life of whatever it is that's trying to hold me back...to refuse to let go!
I must say...though.... there is a cost to all of it... the cost is small..seldom.. but the feeling of it is greater!
You know when I was drinking, when I was cutting...people just conformed to my way of life you know? they didn't judge me for it maybe they did but not to my face...people accepted me and all my faults...I wasn't told how to live my life, or given a guilt trip for cutting... however you know.. these people though...these friends of mine that were by my side...were all my drinking buddies, everyone I met in the last near two years of my life...were all the people I bought drinks with, shared stupid stories, and just foolish ways of life... The walk to Victory is hard enough as is... but when I feel like I've lost everything... I lost my friends... I know that they may not have been that great in their own lives, but the fact is...it's just hard to see myself moving forward when I see all these people...
The lives I had changed in the short-time I knew these people...to have to move on.. to refuse to run out at the call of duty for a friend in need...to say no... to focus on myself, my safety and well-being.. that's a really tough thing for me..... To spend the weekends hearing about parties, dances, brawls, and all that stuff...that I've missed out on...it makes me miss it for a short time.. you know?
I know that my life is meant to move forward! Im meant to do great things! I know this... please don't remind me of it! I just feel a piece of me being torn in two as I move forward and I am forced to let those I met leave them behind...only can pray they would hold on long enough till I can get to that place of being able to help them find their way, or even as I continue on..maybe that's their time to prepare for being ready...
I never thought of that...but honestly I think of that love my life... The reason no.. it's not easy I dont think for me on any point is it ever easy for me to let go of anyone in my life. anyhow for me to let go of that love is to say... you know if its meant to be...he's got a lot to deal with in his time and maybe that's what he's doing? and if I find him in the future...great! but if not.. well I had been loved by someone really awesome...and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that beautiful love!
Anyhow... as for my buddies...I know... that I have to let them go... i just... I just hope that it'll be okay you know? as much as we were drinking together...we also had some great times together, whether we were drunk or not... I made some good connections there and to let that go... it's not easy..
I feel like Im complaining about not being messed up any longer... it's not that though... it just seems more bland you know? I had a lot of excitement in that lifestyle.. that now that I am not there any longer... my life seems to just just be.... i dont know how to explain it...that's one reason Im happy to be entering in this College is that Im hoping to meet some really awesome people you know? new connections...people who have the same desire of change, and are able to stand on their own without the drinking...
I dont know if I make sense...but letting go of the past.... letting go of those days... is never an easy thing especially when I miss it as much as I do... to be invited out... soon enough I wont have time for that...and Im waiting for that because I really want to stay on the right track you know? I dont want to go that way in my life, I dont want to end my life... I never did...I was just in that place for that time... and now Im not there..it's great...
Either way I start school next week...and look forward to it!
laterz
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