Well I was right work is really interesting.. As I finally finished six floors of work... this accomplishment got me thinking... you know...
I mean really I've lost a lot in this past week, went through some of the worst moments of my life, and had felt the most empty I've ever felt in my life. and I feel shattered and scared. however even in the midst of this chaos..this crap.. something came to mind and that was the fact you know..it wouldn't hurt me to try and apply for school..I can do my part and get it done and whether I get in or not who knows, but if I don't then well can't say I didn't try.. that's the important thing right?
I dont know I guess when accomplishing something like this I felt like I could do something better and even then not better.. but something that may benefit a future of mine. I dont know if Im thinking right.. but that's what came to mind
Oh man though that view.. so amazing.. so amazing. my hats off to whoever decides to live there. and I just like woohoo! for having the opportunity to be up there... I was talking to my lady and telling her that my place of comfort is looking at the view.. looking at those moutains.. looking at the ocean.. when I feel like shit or when Im feeling like I can't continue on..my place of rest is those moutains, that ocean... it's just like...the stars.. realizing there's something else.. you know?
Im angry... man alive am I ever angry. I hate living this place, I hate being in this place. I can't cry I can't do anything but be angry and be angry... like seriously everything pisses me off, and my mom likes to rub it in my face of how no one is helping her.. and its like you know what I freakin worked today and there is no way Im going to travel far away to pick up nothing that's desperatly needed. if no one wants to help her do anything then don't do it..who cares because really seriously I don't care... if none of this kids want to help her then whatever who cares. no eggs, no milk no nothing..who cares... no one will care... and they can whine and piss me right off. I need my own space.. I need to be able to come home and let my tears flow in a safe place.
I know whats happening to me... I know whats going on.. I know whats happening...and I feel it everyday.. I feel this pain. I feel the heartache..and instead of feeling it Im taking it out on every thing that could or would make me angry. I need my own place
I need to cry. I need to allow myself to feel something other then anger... because it's not going to help me in the long run. it's going to destroy me and cause pain to all that I love.
Im not sure what to do anymore... Im glad the thoughts I had of ending it all...are finally sort of kinda over... but when faced with a situation like this, it's almost feeling like there is no other way. and facing it the way that I am..doesn't help...IM angry.. Im hurt..I was thinking about it.. and yesterday I said I didn't know why I was pushing my lady outta my life.. and it hit me as I lay in bed... it's because this is an unfimilar road to me, this is a place of darkness for me.. this is my worst nightmare. my worst pain.. every horrible thing I've ever done in my life does not compare to this.. and therefore I want to become the worst nightmare. I want this to destroy me. I want this to take my life. I want to freakin scream at the top of my lungs how much it hurts, how much I hurt...how much I've let them down. how much I have truly hurt...
I deserve death... that's what I think... that's what goes through my head... I look at my life.. and see all the brokenness in the last year of my life.. I see all that stuff I did and see all those drinks I had, and those bad opportunities I had.. and I realize that none of that compares to this.. nothing can compare to the hate in my heart for myself... to not have done the right thing...
How foolishly selfish I am.. and how much I knew without a doubt it will be the ultimatly destroy me in the end...it'll rip me on the inside and soon enough I'll be done.. I'll forget why i was living, I'll forget what I wanted to do and I'll just end up... in a place I cannot come back from. and Im scared of the addiction. Im scared of the rage. Im scared that I'll truly mess everything up for myself..
I wish that I could write the true words..the real words. the real reason... the real pain.. but I can't. I can't even say it..because to me it's like it's not there...even though it haunts me and hurts me...words cannot be spoken not even to my lady..because she doesn't know what demons lie within me..she doesn't need to try and hear these hurtful hateful words..
so in the end..I face it alone..and even though...there are people out there.. Im still here alone.. sitting in my darkness..dealing with my pain and dealing with the worst moments of my life..
I hate that its gone. i hate that I had to go through all this stuff just find out how much it'll destroy me. how much it will scar me, wound me and break me. I cant continue to write you my pain because you won't even understand.. there is not a scar on my body that compares to this pain..that compares to this... I have so many scars from cutting, so many scars from living. but nothing can even be compared to this pain.. and it makes me want to do something stupid.. I feel stupid. I feel like Im not sure if tomorrow will ever come..
and of course if you heard it..you'd know how stupid I am being..and how much it's not even anything..but it doesn't matter because I dont care what you think. I know what I feel and I know what it's done for my future. I know how much it hurts me, and how much it haunts me.. you won't understand it... and it doesn't even matter.. I wish that life could've been better then this, different then this...
I really need something...something to bring me strength... because im about to burst outta weakness an pain.. Im going crazy. i feel it in my bones, and I feel the shattered pieces of my heart ripping through me...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
written on my face
The pain is written on my face...as I walk.. as I sleep. as I eat. as I live. It's hard to find the strength to continue to continuing on. I have disconnected myself from the world because Im not sure what I can do..what can I do?
My lady is telling me to apply for College, to really make something of myself. how do I do that? I feel like there's so much pressure on me to do so well.. Im not sure after this experience I can do it.. I want too.. I want to become all that I have been created to be. I want to change the world one person at a time. I want encourage and inspire my family, friends, and anyone who comes into my life.
But how... how... can I do that? how can I share my future... how can I show my love and care when I feel this brokenness in my heart.. to feel the way that I do. empty. to feel like the world just came crashing down on me and I died that day.. How can I do this..how can I explain this to anyone ever again.
Im scared...Im hurt. Im empty Im crying..
I sat at work during lunch realizing how much this has truly effected me. I sat there in near tears.. the world around me continues on.. people pass me by smile at me, an there is nothing on my face. I feel like if people look at me now they see that emptiness.. that pain.. that hurt. that heartache.. those tears that rise to the surface...never seem to come all the way.
I want to live. I want to do everything I can to live.. but Im in a place where Im not sure I can do this..
Losing him...losing him... do you understand. can you comprhend what's happened what kind of thing this was.. what kind of pain this has caused... do you even know whats happened, how it happened. how much it hurt. how much it really literally ripped me two... the feelings overflow.
Instead...of allowing those tears to flow, instead of calling my lady...I sit... I find something to be angry about..it can be anything. it's losing my socks, losing the opportunity to smile.. the sun was shinning this afternoon and all's I felt like is that thunder and lightning I could not see the sun. I could not see the beauty of it all.
There's this song that comes to my mind
" Have you ever love something so much you give your life for, not the expression no literally give your life for. after so much time it becomes a part of you, you feel it beating inside like its the heart of you when a piece of it dies a piece of you dies. you sit alone in dark rooms you weep and you cry you say your goodbyes a million times but never seems right, hoping you can settle your differences in the next life. that's how I felt when I lost you, you was my main mother F....king dude"
That's how I feel..a piece of me has died. and the pain lingers here...trying to find a way to let it go but there is no existance of letting it go.. no way I could say good-bye... it hurts too much
but maybe like all things drama comes into this...Im dramatic..maybe that's what it is.. maybe that's it..maybe Im overreacting about how I feel...but maybe Im right...maybe if you knew what it was you'd understand what I've lost, and what I've done...and how much guilt I carry in my heart, deep in my soul that place has become dark from these wounds... forever wounded forever in a place of disgrace and shame.
I try to carry on...try to say good-bye try to let go of this season of my life.. but there is no hope for that...his death will forever haunt me... his death...if only I could've known. if only I could've done something different, if only I wasn't the way I was, if only I was smarter. if only I never put myself in a situation like that!
As for my lady.. well my plan so far is working...but it's not my choice..yes it is... I really am letting go, Im really saying this is it..but Im being childish. I dont want her to be there.. I dont want her to see what will happen to me...it's like one of those amazing people who goes through the worst moments in their lives, it in the end is the thing that truly destroys them.. that's what Im afraid of... Im afraid of going into a dark place, Im afraid that I'll really force myself into loneliness and I'll find myself with something or doing something I will forever wish I wouldn't even allow in my mind...but Im scared...she doesn't understand what I've done, and how stupid and foolish I've been....
what's the right thing? what do I need to do? how do I need to feel..how should I react...how should I let him go? how should I continue on...how in the world do you make it through somethign so traumatizing...and continue living! to plan for a future...when Im afraid that destruction for me is not far off! how in the damn world is that possible..how could I become what i wanted to be...in my broknness..in my heartache and pain. torment and hate.. how in the world am I to become all those great things she thinks I'll become..like all others thinking I'll make it.... Im just feeling like Im going to fail.....I feel like it's written on my face...
who knows...
im losing my mind and it's going to be crazy. maybe im just going crazy.
My lady is telling me to apply for College, to really make something of myself. how do I do that? I feel like there's so much pressure on me to do so well.. Im not sure after this experience I can do it.. I want too.. I want to become all that I have been created to be. I want to change the world one person at a time. I want encourage and inspire my family, friends, and anyone who comes into my life.
But how... how... can I do that? how can I share my future... how can I show my love and care when I feel this brokenness in my heart.. to feel the way that I do. empty. to feel like the world just came crashing down on me and I died that day.. How can I do this..how can I explain this to anyone ever again.
Im scared...Im hurt. Im empty Im crying..
I sat at work during lunch realizing how much this has truly effected me. I sat there in near tears.. the world around me continues on.. people pass me by smile at me, an there is nothing on my face. I feel like if people look at me now they see that emptiness.. that pain.. that hurt. that heartache.. those tears that rise to the surface...never seem to come all the way.
I want to live. I want to do everything I can to live.. but Im in a place where Im not sure I can do this..
Losing him...losing him... do you understand. can you comprhend what's happened what kind of thing this was.. what kind of pain this has caused... do you even know whats happened, how it happened. how much it hurt. how much it really literally ripped me two... the feelings overflow.
Instead...of allowing those tears to flow, instead of calling my lady...I sit... I find something to be angry about..it can be anything. it's losing my socks, losing the opportunity to smile.. the sun was shinning this afternoon and all's I felt like is that thunder and lightning I could not see the sun. I could not see the beauty of it all.
There's this song that comes to my mind
" Have you ever love something so much you give your life for, not the expression no literally give your life for. after so much time it becomes a part of you, you feel it beating inside like its the heart of you when a piece of it dies a piece of you dies. you sit alone in dark rooms you weep and you cry you say your goodbyes a million times but never seems right, hoping you can settle your differences in the next life. that's how I felt when I lost you, you was my main mother F....king dude"
That's how I feel..a piece of me has died. and the pain lingers here...trying to find a way to let it go but there is no existance of letting it go.. no way I could say good-bye... it hurts too much
but maybe like all things drama comes into this...Im dramatic..maybe that's what it is.. maybe that's it..maybe Im overreacting about how I feel...but maybe Im right...maybe if you knew what it was you'd understand what I've lost, and what I've done...and how much guilt I carry in my heart, deep in my soul that place has become dark from these wounds... forever wounded forever in a place of disgrace and shame.
I try to carry on...try to say good-bye try to let go of this season of my life.. but there is no hope for that...his death will forever haunt me... his death...if only I could've known. if only I could've done something different, if only I wasn't the way I was, if only I was smarter. if only I never put myself in a situation like that!
As for my lady.. well my plan so far is working...but it's not my choice..yes it is... I really am letting go, Im really saying this is it..but Im being childish. I dont want her to be there.. I dont want her to see what will happen to me...it's like one of those amazing people who goes through the worst moments in their lives, it in the end is the thing that truly destroys them.. that's what Im afraid of... Im afraid of going into a dark place, Im afraid that I'll really force myself into loneliness and I'll find myself with something or doing something I will forever wish I wouldn't even allow in my mind...but Im scared...she doesn't understand what I've done, and how stupid and foolish I've been....
what's the right thing? what do I need to do? how do I need to feel..how should I react...how should I let him go? how should I continue on...how in the world do you make it through somethign so traumatizing...and continue living! to plan for a future...when Im afraid that destruction for me is not far off! how in the damn world is that possible..how could I become what i wanted to be...in my broknness..in my heartache and pain. torment and hate.. how in the world am I to become all those great things she thinks I'll become..like all others thinking I'll make it.... Im just feeling like Im going to fail.....I feel like it's written on my face...
who knows...
im losing my mind and it's going to be crazy. maybe im just going crazy.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
time passing
As the time continues on... the memories linger deep in me.. each day I find that I find something to cry about, or even just the thoughts of how he has passed.
I have cut off some areas in my life that are uneasy for me. things that have me remember whats going on..
I have a support system and I have people who are there for me if I needed them.. how does someone reach out for that help when in a time like this? it's like everyday a new thought comes to mind..
I was watching one of my favorite movies.. and one thing that popped up was the image of how someone had to face the demons, face the fears and find strength in something... It was crazy because it got me thinking of what kind of strength I have these days... I've felt pretty weak, eating is hard, and crying is flowing.. but to find strength? Im not sure...how do I find strength in all that I have seen... the feelings in my heart overflow with the pain and torment of how much I've lost.
If only someone could truly comprhend what's happened... or how it's made me feel... This past year that I've lived back in Vancouver I've lost a lot of family and friends, but this loss is greater it seems. How do I explain this to someone?
This loss.. is like losing something so dear to me, something that love was all there.. it was a piece of me a part of me.. it was my love...
I can't describe to you the emptiness in my heart.. I can't describe to you the pain and torment. the guilt even of the choices I've made.. how much I miss this feeling...
as for strength... I loved watching that movie again..and seeing him overcome his fears, overcome something that could've killed him and striving forward. it made me realize that's how I feel.. Im not sure how he found that strength to get through that... its hard for me to find that strength.
Today I fell apart.. I flipped out and I knew I would.. and instead of sticking around to the tears and everything. I went for a walk. I was determind to see the beautiful mountains of Vancouver, I wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to go to the bridge...but I knew how weak I was, and I knew I could not go there.. I know my mindset is not in the right place. I feel bad for saying that..
If I could say for real what loss this is... for real what it has made me feel...
Tomorrow...I go back to work... continue returning to my life and the things that I do. but deep down...on the surface everything seems fine. but deep in me..the tears are flowing. my heart wants to break...my soul is empty. I feel hurt.. I feel scared. and I feel guilty.
There are people in my life that are helping me through this... but of all things the coping machinism has come up.. to face this alone... why do we do that? no more so why do I do that? it must be a weakness for me.. I had rehearsed many ways of letting go of people in my life.. do you know how stupid that is? to want to let go of those people? these people are people..not just people...a person.. a lady.. and yet even in the darkest moments of my life she has stood by me, and helped me through..yet even instead of accepting her love and grace. Im willing to throw that all away.. to say good-bye to her...to do everything in my power to let her go. why in the world! I have thought about it so many times. and I think it's because in the most vulnerable state that I am in, I tend to make mistakes, I tend to hurt others, and I tend to do things that i know near future I will regret. and I don't want her to see that.. she has seen the tears in my eyes, she has seen the brokenness of my life.. but this...
I am failing... I have failed. and I am full of the guilt and pain... I could not believe this situation. I mean I knew something would come up! I got a job, I have a future a plan..and this happens. I often say it...that I throw my mindset into a place of seeing the good knowing the bad is not far behind.. that's something I carried from my father's death..and have not found the place of letting that go...because it always proves true...
How do I say good-bye to him? How do I let him go? it's been two days...and my dreams take me to the moments of everything that happened, the memories. the love, the hate, the joy, the tears...the fears... nothing is able to take my mind out of this idea..this place.. Im forever in this state of mind.... he was a part of me, he was someone that could've looked up to me, someone that could've really done something with his life...
I wrote in a journal... about a letter of letting him go, and how difficult it's been..and how much tears flow from my eyes, how much it aches. how much Im shattered, and Im not sure I can find the strength. Im believing more and more that I'm not going to find that strength...that Im going to fall apart...that Im going to do something really stupid, or something that I can't turn back from..
I can only...try...
I will forever be haunted by this experience. this pain. this heartache...and I will always cry for him, and I will always miss him... I will always wish that things could've been better then this.
Im not certain... one of the effects that happens to me is that I am emotional....unstable. everyday is another day of tears...this loss is beyond what words can say, and Im not sure I'll find the strength to get through it.. I believe that if anything...if given the chance this loss has the opportunity to destroy me... because it has truly impacted my life in such a dark place...
I dont know... I can only try...
I have cut off some areas in my life that are uneasy for me. things that have me remember whats going on..
I have a support system and I have people who are there for me if I needed them.. how does someone reach out for that help when in a time like this? it's like everyday a new thought comes to mind..
I was watching one of my favorite movies.. and one thing that popped up was the image of how someone had to face the demons, face the fears and find strength in something... It was crazy because it got me thinking of what kind of strength I have these days... I've felt pretty weak, eating is hard, and crying is flowing.. but to find strength? Im not sure...how do I find strength in all that I have seen... the feelings in my heart overflow with the pain and torment of how much I've lost.
If only someone could truly comprhend what's happened... or how it's made me feel... This past year that I've lived back in Vancouver I've lost a lot of family and friends, but this loss is greater it seems. How do I explain this to someone?
This loss.. is like losing something so dear to me, something that love was all there.. it was a piece of me a part of me.. it was my love...
I can't describe to you the emptiness in my heart.. I can't describe to you the pain and torment. the guilt even of the choices I've made.. how much I miss this feeling...
as for strength... I loved watching that movie again..and seeing him overcome his fears, overcome something that could've killed him and striving forward. it made me realize that's how I feel.. Im not sure how he found that strength to get through that... its hard for me to find that strength.
Today I fell apart.. I flipped out and I knew I would.. and instead of sticking around to the tears and everything. I went for a walk. I was determind to see the beautiful mountains of Vancouver, I wanted to see the ocean. I wanted to go to the bridge...but I knew how weak I was, and I knew I could not go there.. I know my mindset is not in the right place. I feel bad for saying that..
If I could say for real what loss this is... for real what it has made me feel...
Tomorrow...I go back to work... continue returning to my life and the things that I do. but deep down...on the surface everything seems fine. but deep in me..the tears are flowing. my heart wants to break...my soul is empty. I feel hurt.. I feel scared. and I feel guilty.
There are people in my life that are helping me through this... but of all things the coping machinism has come up.. to face this alone... why do we do that? no more so why do I do that? it must be a weakness for me.. I had rehearsed many ways of letting go of people in my life.. do you know how stupid that is? to want to let go of those people? these people are people..not just people...a person.. a lady.. and yet even in the darkest moments of my life she has stood by me, and helped me through..yet even instead of accepting her love and grace. Im willing to throw that all away.. to say good-bye to her...to do everything in my power to let her go. why in the world! I have thought about it so many times. and I think it's because in the most vulnerable state that I am in, I tend to make mistakes, I tend to hurt others, and I tend to do things that i know near future I will regret. and I don't want her to see that.. she has seen the tears in my eyes, she has seen the brokenness of my life.. but this...
I am failing... I have failed. and I am full of the guilt and pain... I could not believe this situation. I mean I knew something would come up! I got a job, I have a future a plan..and this happens. I often say it...that I throw my mindset into a place of seeing the good knowing the bad is not far behind.. that's something I carried from my father's death..and have not found the place of letting that go...because it always proves true...
How do I say good-bye to him? How do I let him go? it's been two days...and my dreams take me to the moments of everything that happened, the memories. the love, the hate, the joy, the tears...the fears... nothing is able to take my mind out of this idea..this place.. Im forever in this state of mind.... he was a part of me, he was someone that could've looked up to me, someone that could've really done something with his life...
I wrote in a journal... about a letter of letting him go, and how difficult it's been..and how much tears flow from my eyes, how much it aches. how much Im shattered, and Im not sure I can find the strength. Im believing more and more that I'm not going to find that strength...that Im going to fall apart...that Im going to do something really stupid, or something that I can't turn back from..
I can only...try...
I will forever be haunted by this experience. this pain. this heartache...and I will always cry for him, and I will always miss him... I will always wish that things could've been better then this.
Im not certain... one of the effects that happens to me is that I am emotional....unstable. everyday is another day of tears...this loss is beyond what words can say, and Im not sure I'll find the strength to get through it.. I believe that if anything...if given the chance this loss has the opportunity to destroy me... because it has truly impacted my life in such a dark place...
I dont know... I can only try...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
losing you
yesterdy I lost someone so close to me...someone that touched every inch of my soul, his loss will forever be remembered in my life forever. It hurt to breath my life knowing his life is forever gone. I could not even put into words the feelings i have... I thought slitting my wrists three months ago was painful. Ive been proven wrong this loss has impacted my life..
People are telling me that his death will have to give me strength, give me hope for the future. help me strive to my goals. because he touched my life, he was my friend he was a part of me. and his death is a part of death of me..
The aches I feel are numerous to count... I cried I balled my eyes out lastnight as I invashined his life leaving...knowing I could not be there for him. knowing there was nothing I could do for him. but lay there watching him go.
How do I continue on with my life...how do I get through this. it makes me want to forget it. I'd take a drug just to avoid remembering what I've lost.. his life was my life...his soul touched my heart. I could not describe to you the friendship we had, the love that was there...we had only known eachother a short while but yet it was like it would've been forever.
the loss of this...has caused to me to become ill.. made me nausea's and made me have a hard time living...
Then I look in the eyes of these two friends of mine, these ladies who care for me, stand with me by me...and I realize they are here to help me through. because they know what I might do if left alone, I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs...for the first time in a long time I allowed the tears to flow from my life...
These friends came to my rescue...came to help me through such a time as this... it does not make the ache of my heart disappear. it just helps me see there's something more to my life. he showed me how to feel, showed me how to allow tears to flow to me. he showed me myself and showed me that my future holds such great things... if anything I'd live for now it would be to stand by him as he is in spirit and become all I told him I'd be.
Losing this friend...is just the beginning..
I feel like Im mentally losing my mind... i feel like dying, I want to feel pain I want to get hurt, I want to feel the pain of this event. however it does not help. instead I lie in bed crying the tears of someone who has lost a piece of me...
It felt like I was losing my father all over agian... or I was going through the emotions of slitting my wrists again..the shame, the guilt the fear... oh how I wish I could've not felt this pain. to not have to mourn his death. It hurts....
How do i explain how much it hurts? are there words that need to be spoken of how much it hurts? I dont think I need to share that with anyone. because Im sure everyone who decides to read this will understand the loss... there are people who've lost a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, a child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt...there are people who've experienced the grief and dispair I feel now... what words need to spoken?
the sun was shinning...yesterday... I seen the sun shinning yesterday..it only brought tears to my eyes, I wanted it to rain, I wanted it to thunder...because yesterday was not a day to have this weather..yesterday was not a day to have the beauty...how do we look at beauty at a time like this?
I feel like I could hardly see life anymore... Im scared of living..Im scared of failing. Im scared this pain will never go away.. and I'll be in this place forever. I want to die. I want to somehow make this more tangible to me.
maybe im losing my mind. maybe im going crazy..maybe im mourning this death to greatly. but maybe this is truly what I need...and the best part of it all.. is these ladies here with me. standing near me... helping me... letting me cry. letting me feel... there is no one in the world that's ever let me do that...its not about talking, or saying anything...I could sit here alone crying, and they are my superwoman....this is like my kryptonite this kind of death is hurting me...
I can only hope I wont let him down. that I'll live...love and continue on with my goals...to become everything I told him I'd become...I pray that it'll work out... I know I will never forget his death...and I'll truly remember him forever..
R.I.P. <3 I love you forever!
People are telling me that his death will have to give me strength, give me hope for the future. help me strive to my goals. because he touched my life, he was my friend he was a part of me. and his death is a part of death of me..
The aches I feel are numerous to count... I cried I balled my eyes out lastnight as I invashined his life leaving...knowing I could not be there for him. knowing there was nothing I could do for him. but lay there watching him go.
How do I continue on with my life...how do I get through this. it makes me want to forget it. I'd take a drug just to avoid remembering what I've lost.. his life was my life...his soul touched my heart. I could not describe to you the friendship we had, the love that was there...we had only known eachother a short while but yet it was like it would've been forever.
the loss of this...has caused to me to become ill.. made me nausea's and made me have a hard time living...
Then I look in the eyes of these two friends of mine, these ladies who care for me, stand with me by me...and I realize they are here to help me through. because they know what I might do if left alone, I didn't drink, I didn't take drugs...for the first time in a long time I allowed the tears to flow from my life...
These friends came to my rescue...came to help me through such a time as this... it does not make the ache of my heart disappear. it just helps me see there's something more to my life. he showed me how to feel, showed me how to allow tears to flow to me. he showed me myself and showed me that my future holds such great things... if anything I'd live for now it would be to stand by him as he is in spirit and become all I told him I'd be.
Losing this friend...is just the beginning..
I feel like Im mentally losing my mind... i feel like dying, I want to feel pain I want to get hurt, I want to feel the pain of this event. however it does not help. instead I lie in bed crying the tears of someone who has lost a piece of me...
It felt like I was losing my father all over agian... or I was going through the emotions of slitting my wrists again..the shame, the guilt the fear... oh how I wish I could've not felt this pain. to not have to mourn his death. It hurts....
How do i explain how much it hurts? are there words that need to be spoken of how much it hurts? I dont think I need to share that with anyone. because Im sure everyone who decides to read this will understand the loss... there are people who've lost a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, a child, sister, brother, uncle, aunt...there are people who've experienced the grief and dispair I feel now... what words need to spoken?
the sun was shinning...yesterday... I seen the sun shinning yesterday..it only brought tears to my eyes, I wanted it to rain, I wanted it to thunder...because yesterday was not a day to have this weather..yesterday was not a day to have the beauty...how do we look at beauty at a time like this?
I feel like I could hardly see life anymore... Im scared of living..Im scared of failing. Im scared this pain will never go away.. and I'll be in this place forever. I want to die. I want to somehow make this more tangible to me.
maybe im losing my mind. maybe im going crazy..maybe im mourning this death to greatly. but maybe this is truly what I need...and the best part of it all.. is these ladies here with me. standing near me... helping me... letting me cry. letting me feel... there is no one in the world that's ever let me do that...its not about talking, or saying anything...I could sit here alone crying, and they are my superwoman....this is like my kryptonite this kind of death is hurting me...
I can only hope I wont let him down. that I'll live...love and continue on with my goals...to become everything I told him I'd become...I pray that it'll work out... I know I will never forget his death...and I'll truly remember him forever..
R.I.P. <3 I love you forever!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Live your life
Its really something... I start work in the morning.. a totally new time idea of what's going to happen in my life... a different place...sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder...how did this all come together? How is it like this?
I was thinking about today...as I strolled down the drive bumping into my cousins, family members and close friends..life is truly on the drive.. I met a lot of family members there.. a lot of memories as we strolled through the streets...the good ones mixed with the bad... the places I used to live, the life I used to have..the bad times I use to roll with...
Looking back at it now...I dont regret Ontario. Im glad that I went and got the help I needed, it was the extra push to get to where I am now, and where Im going in the future... If not for Ontario I would not have this future. I know that those people out there touched my soul, God touched my heart...and he changed my life, he brought people into my life to encourage and inspire me...
As I walked the streets of Vancouver and seeing the life I have....man alive it reminds me as I bump into old friends people who are not doing well in life... and I thank God for saving me. because I know without a doubt if not for his intervention and his love and grace I would've never made it outta Vancouver, I would've become what others that I was meant to be..
Now Im starting to work. and Im applying for Colleges.. and Im going to do whatever it takes to become more then that I've ever been, or been told I would be and I can't wait because..regardless there is no real excitement in me....it sits in my soul.. because truly this is a great time for me.. this is my time. my life and my choices...I have made good choices, stayed on track and it's starting to pay off...
It does not excuse the sacrifices I've had to make in my life. the difficult choices. the poor times in my life where I've had to let things go... I have had to carry on alone, or just leave.. there's a difficult decision that is coming up. and I know it could destroy me.. but I know for greatness to come, for great things of this future of mine to happen I have to make this decision because I know that I will do great things... and this sacrifice will be tough but I know that I have to look out for me... Im too great... I can't allow myself to be tempted by this life of terror. I couldve been so many things. but I have chosen my life to be this...to be the future...to be reaching my goals and acheiving my dreams I have to make this sacrifice.. I just know this is truly the right thing to do... but it'll hurt me.. not physically emotionally.
I think back to my life of the sacrifices I've had to make... when I decided to move to Ontario it was a sacrifice..to leave everything I had ever known and live in that place...it was a huge jump and change for me..but it was the best decision I could ever make. I now have to make a decision like that again.. I have to know that I am doing this because it'll better my future, make me a better person..it is the right thing to do.
I must say this... I've lived in Vancouver now for a year an half. Through "talking stick" festival I've met some fantastic wonderful amazing people....I have had opportunities to meet my mentor and friend Margo Kane. I have had crazy times in my life..I've made my own mistakes and done some stupid things...but I must say that there is someone in my life...that Im truly grateful for...she is a woman that truly believes in me...
I've met so many people in this world...I've met lots of people...but this girl...she truly touches my heart because she believes in me so much, she believes in my destiny my goals and my future. she believes in me...so much she is helping me through it all....these obstacles that come my way...she is helping me...not even just her...her and her roommate... do you know how crazy that is? I've known them for nearly two months (WOW!! WOW!) two months...these ladies have been in my life... believing in me and believing in my cause for the future... it rocks my world! i can't believe its only been nearly two months..and yet they have become a part of my soul, people that I look up too, people that I love because they believe in me!
All my life..if someone just wouldve believed in me when I was a kid..I might've turned out different. but all my life people have inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me..all for a season of time in my life...but these ladies...have touched my soul...they own a piece of my heart because it takes a lot of courage to want to believe in me...especially with the lifestyle I lived last year...however with all things I strive for change...strive for new beginnings and a better future.
WOW!
Today...regardless of the sacrifices I will make...these ladies really have inspired me and really in some ways saved me...because they encouraged me, and believed in me.. Im forever grateful to them for their love and care for me!
WOW!
Thats all for now.
laterz
I was thinking about today...as I strolled down the drive bumping into my cousins, family members and close friends..life is truly on the drive.. I met a lot of family members there.. a lot of memories as we strolled through the streets...the good ones mixed with the bad... the places I used to live, the life I used to have..the bad times I use to roll with...
Looking back at it now...I dont regret Ontario. Im glad that I went and got the help I needed, it was the extra push to get to where I am now, and where Im going in the future... If not for Ontario I would not have this future. I know that those people out there touched my soul, God touched my heart...and he changed my life, he brought people into my life to encourage and inspire me...
As I walked the streets of Vancouver and seeing the life I have....man alive it reminds me as I bump into old friends people who are not doing well in life... and I thank God for saving me. because I know without a doubt if not for his intervention and his love and grace I would've never made it outta Vancouver, I would've become what others that I was meant to be..
Now Im starting to work. and Im applying for Colleges.. and Im going to do whatever it takes to become more then that I've ever been, or been told I would be and I can't wait because..regardless there is no real excitement in me....it sits in my soul.. because truly this is a great time for me.. this is my time. my life and my choices...I have made good choices, stayed on track and it's starting to pay off...
It does not excuse the sacrifices I've had to make in my life. the difficult choices. the poor times in my life where I've had to let things go... I have had to carry on alone, or just leave.. there's a difficult decision that is coming up. and I know it could destroy me.. but I know for greatness to come, for great things of this future of mine to happen I have to make this decision because I know that I will do great things... and this sacrifice will be tough but I know that I have to look out for me... Im too great... I can't allow myself to be tempted by this life of terror. I couldve been so many things. but I have chosen my life to be this...to be the future...to be reaching my goals and acheiving my dreams I have to make this sacrifice.. I just know this is truly the right thing to do... but it'll hurt me.. not physically emotionally.
I think back to my life of the sacrifices I've had to make... when I decided to move to Ontario it was a sacrifice..to leave everything I had ever known and live in that place...it was a huge jump and change for me..but it was the best decision I could ever make. I now have to make a decision like that again.. I have to know that I am doing this because it'll better my future, make me a better person..it is the right thing to do.
I must say this... I've lived in Vancouver now for a year an half. Through "talking stick" festival I've met some fantastic wonderful amazing people....I have had opportunities to meet my mentor and friend Margo Kane. I have had crazy times in my life..I've made my own mistakes and done some stupid things...but I must say that there is someone in my life...that Im truly grateful for...she is a woman that truly believes in me...
I've met so many people in this world...I've met lots of people...but this girl...she truly touches my heart because she believes in me so much, she believes in my destiny my goals and my future. she believes in me...so much she is helping me through it all....these obstacles that come my way...she is helping me...not even just her...her and her roommate... do you know how crazy that is? I've known them for nearly two months (WOW!! WOW!) two months...these ladies have been in my life... believing in me and believing in my cause for the future... it rocks my world! i can't believe its only been nearly two months..and yet they have become a part of my soul, people that I look up too, people that I love because they believe in me!
All my life..if someone just wouldve believed in me when I was a kid..I might've turned out different. but all my life people have inspired me, encouraged me, and helped me..all for a season of time in my life...but these ladies...have touched my soul...they own a piece of my heart because it takes a lot of courage to want to believe in me...especially with the lifestyle I lived last year...however with all things I strive for change...strive for new beginnings and a better future.
WOW!
Today...regardless of the sacrifices I will make...these ladies really have inspired me and really in some ways saved me...because they encouraged me, and believed in me.. Im forever grateful to them for their love and care for me!
WOW!
Thats all for now.
laterz
Thursday, April 30, 2009
living for the moment
What did I write last?
well still applying for school for the just of it! it's going pretty good I guess..its crazy to know I've been outta school for nearly two years. and even then I spent half the last year working and then quitting my job....
as this year approached there were a lot of things I have been doing...it's crazy that it's now the end of the month.. I can't quite grasp where my life has been going.. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for finding myself...instead of becoming all that people thought I'd become.. it's crazy you know? I mean when I think back to my life and my teenage years and just everything i can see how people would believe me to be a drug addict or something...
I like remembering my life back in Ontario the good parts of it anyhow..the amazing people I met and the relationships I had...the family i had back there... i miss it at times...but I feel like Im doing right by being home... although there are some serious things that I feel like i need to do right by...such as getting out on my own... I've spent the last year and half living with my family and as awesome as it is...it's hard...
Living in Ontario taught me to look out for myself, take care of myself...however being back in vancouver Im not just looking out for myself...Im looking after my family..the role I had when I left is still here...it makes me sad though...because really it feels like I hardly learned anything..
however there's that one thing that nothing can ever take away... that's my spirit my will to survive, my goals..my dreams..these things can never change..even though in all turmoil and heartache...the one thing I look forward to is future events.. it's crazy I dont know where it came from...regardless that God is not completly apart of my life he is still there...and I believe that he's the one giving me this hope for the future... i really hope I start getting back on a road that is better fit for me..
Im proud of myself because Im not drinking..Im not doing drugs...Im living as much as I can.. and even though all these things around me make me feel like Im drowning Im doing everything I can to survive...to stay alive...keep living..no matter what the case...im still here..and I dont know if that'll ever change..
but like all people..i have my low points in my life..I think Im there now... not having a job and not really doing anything..I have tried to do day jobs but never really qualified or able to make it on time... im borrowing money from people to pay my bills...the good thing about me is that I'm always good for money...I mean Im always able to pay back at some point...
I guess the one good thing coming up is this job opportunity..if it comes through I hope it will.. I should be on my own within a month or two..which will be spectecular..
I dont know whats going on with me..I think Im just spending too much time thinking.. thinking of these times now... all the things I have not accomplished...and all the love in the world that's just outta the world crazy and yet not here with me.. I dont know if I should continue to wait for that love but I want too..trying to.... I just hope soon enough it'll pan out...
I just want to be somewhere in my life...
I mean the other night talking about my passion..my soul..my life... the struggles..the great parts of my life..the greatest moments in my life...it makes me ashamed of the things I've done.. but Im always struggling... but I've been learning better ways of things...I feel like Im growing up. I mean instead of cutting or drinking..I cry now thats totally new to me.. I mean I dont cry around people but I allow myself to feel...and I feel like that's a big step for me...
I miss...i dont know... I just feel a little low...no real reason for it..I think it's just where Im at rightnow.. I guess I need to continue writing that script it'll keep me distracted..and as much as I dont want too..Im going to have to go to that class to get the actors in touch with me more properly... regardless of how I feel about that class..I guess it's just this is part of what I've got to do..and I'd like to get it done before the lady gets back in town..
well i guess that's it...thats what Im going to do.. I dont know how though..it's hard to finish up a script when I just feel the way I do you know? hopefully it'll come together..and that Margo would love it..and that it'll be perfect... i just need to stop this crap of myself and really focus on the tasks at hand... forget about the not doing anything and really focus on this great opportunity.. thats what Im going to do..it'll help pass time...at least hopefully till monday!!
good night
well still applying for school for the just of it! it's going pretty good I guess..its crazy to know I've been outta school for nearly two years. and even then I spent half the last year working and then quitting my job....
as this year approached there were a lot of things I have been doing...it's crazy that it's now the end of the month.. I can't quite grasp where my life has been going.. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for finding myself...instead of becoming all that people thought I'd become.. it's crazy you know? I mean when I think back to my life and my teenage years and just everything i can see how people would believe me to be a drug addict or something...
I like remembering my life back in Ontario the good parts of it anyhow..the amazing people I met and the relationships I had...the family i had back there... i miss it at times...but I feel like Im doing right by being home... although there are some serious things that I feel like i need to do right by...such as getting out on my own... I've spent the last year and half living with my family and as awesome as it is...it's hard...
Living in Ontario taught me to look out for myself, take care of myself...however being back in vancouver Im not just looking out for myself...Im looking after my family..the role I had when I left is still here...it makes me sad though...because really it feels like I hardly learned anything..
however there's that one thing that nothing can ever take away... that's my spirit my will to survive, my goals..my dreams..these things can never change..even though in all turmoil and heartache...the one thing I look forward to is future events.. it's crazy I dont know where it came from...regardless that God is not completly apart of my life he is still there...and I believe that he's the one giving me this hope for the future... i really hope I start getting back on a road that is better fit for me..
Im proud of myself because Im not drinking..Im not doing drugs...Im living as much as I can.. and even though all these things around me make me feel like Im drowning Im doing everything I can to survive...to stay alive...keep living..no matter what the case...im still here..and I dont know if that'll ever change..
but like all people..i have my low points in my life..I think Im there now... not having a job and not really doing anything..I have tried to do day jobs but never really qualified or able to make it on time... im borrowing money from people to pay my bills...the good thing about me is that I'm always good for money...I mean Im always able to pay back at some point...
I guess the one good thing coming up is this job opportunity..if it comes through I hope it will.. I should be on my own within a month or two..which will be spectecular..
I dont know whats going on with me..I think Im just spending too much time thinking.. thinking of these times now... all the things I have not accomplished...and all the love in the world that's just outta the world crazy and yet not here with me.. I dont know if I should continue to wait for that love but I want too..trying to.... I just hope soon enough it'll pan out...
I just want to be somewhere in my life...
I mean the other night talking about my passion..my soul..my life... the struggles..the great parts of my life..the greatest moments in my life...it makes me ashamed of the things I've done.. but Im always struggling... but I've been learning better ways of things...I feel like Im growing up. I mean instead of cutting or drinking..I cry now thats totally new to me.. I mean I dont cry around people but I allow myself to feel...and I feel like that's a big step for me...
I miss...i dont know... I just feel a little low...no real reason for it..I think it's just where Im at rightnow.. I guess I need to continue writing that script it'll keep me distracted..and as much as I dont want too..Im going to have to go to that class to get the actors in touch with me more properly... regardless of how I feel about that class..I guess it's just this is part of what I've got to do..and I'd like to get it done before the lady gets back in town..
well i guess that's it...thats what Im going to do.. I dont know how though..it's hard to finish up a script when I just feel the way I do you know? hopefully it'll come together..and that Margo would love it..and that it'll be perfect... i just need to stop this crap of myself and really focus on the tasks at hand... forget about the not doing anything and really focus on this great opportunity.. thats what Im going to do..it'll help pass time...at least hopefully till monday!!
good night
Monday, April 27, 2009
living for the future
I've had my struggles lately I've been afraid of never really making it. until lastnight.. as I sat there sharing some stories of times in my life where I was encouraged and inspired by others.. the life that I loved the feelings I loved having...the zeal for life returned to me...and instead of just going back to where I was....the pain and life I was living...Im determined to do everything I can to live..everything I can be all I want to be...
It's crazy to think of applying for College...there's very few of us who have ever made it long enough to be going to school...and for me its like I'd be living up to the name of what everyone knew I'd become....my family members could not be more proud of me for all the choices I've made..
I was going into my life...trying to figure out why I decided to go into the field I am...and that zeal for life and that inspirational person came to my mind...and it truly touched my own life, sometimes when I speak my words will also touch my life too because it reminds me of what I'm doing....
After everything I've been through I've forgotten what I was doing...I forgot why I was living, what i was living for...it was like the hope and dreams I had were slowly being brushed under the rug, and then we decided to do my application forms for school...the whole thing changed because I realized...this is truly the field I want to get into...the challenges for it will be extreme but I'm up for the challenge because I know that I can do awesome in life...I have a great gift of being able to encourage and inspire others and if that's the case...the field Im getting into will be the best outlet for it all..
Talking lastnight...really just reminded me why I've never given up...why it's not worth it to die.. because I have a gift of being able to speak into others lives, to relate to them, inspire them and therefore I know that I can truly do this....no matter what obstacles come my way...there are enough people backing me up and standing beside me that I'll push through every difficult thing that comes my way...
I can't imagine what it would be like to be going back to school..it's so crazy to think of going to school..I've stood by my word of being outta school for a year before I go back...however I have not stood by my word of paying off all my debts...I just hope that something will come outta this before september that I could pay off all these debts in my life....so that I can start fresh...
other then applying for school though...
life has been difficult...being outta work for so loong.... and being as lost as I feel...not knowing where my life is going, or if IM going in the right direction....the main thing is being outta work that's making me lose my mind..doubt myself...doubt my dreams and future events... but after lastnight i know I can do anything I set my mind too...I've set my mind to going to school and becoming what I've dreamed of...so I know I'll make it...it'll be great...
one day...one day... I will be a walking testimony of someone who truly has followed my dreams.. an became all I wanted! I know it! I feel it and I truly believe it!!
laterz
It's crazy to think of applying for College...there's very few of us who have ever made it long enough to be going to school...and for me its like I'd be living up to the name of what everyone knew I'd become....my family members could not be more proud of me for all the choices I've made..
I was going into my life...trying to figure out why I decided to go into the field I am...and that zeal for life and that inspirational person came to my mind...and it truly touched my own life, sometimes when I speak my words will also touch my life too because it reminds me of what I'm doing....
After everything I've been through I've forgotten what I was doing...I forgot why I was living, what i was living for...it was like the hope and dreams I had were slowly being brushed under the rug, and then we decided to do my application forms for school...the whole thing changed because I realized...this is truly the field I want to get into...the challenges for it will be extreme but I'm up for the challenge because I know that I can do awesome in life...I have a great gift of being able to encourage and inspire others and if that's the case...the field Im getting into will be the best outlet for it all..
Talking lastnight...really just reminded me why I've never given up...why it's not worth it to die.. because I have a gift of being able to speak into others lives, to relate to them, inspire them and therefore I know that I can truly do this....no matter what obstacles come my way...there are enough people backing me up and standing beside me that I'll push through every difficult thing that comes my way...
I can't imagine what it would be like to be going back to school..it's so crazy to think of going to school..I've stood by my word of being outta school for a year before I go back...however I have not stood by my word of paying off all my debts...I just hope that something will come outta this before september that I could pay off all these debts in my life....so that I can start fresh...
other then applying for school though...
life has been difficult...being outta work for so loong.... and being as lost as I feel...not knowing where my life is going, or if IM going in the right direction....the main thing is being outta work that's making me lose my mind..doubt myself...doubt my dreams and future events... but after lastnight i know I can do anything I set my mind too...I've set my mind to going to school and becoming what I've dreamed of...so I know I'll make it...it'll be great...
one day...one day... I will be a walking testimony of someone who truly has followed my dreams.. an became all I wanted! I know it! I feel it and I truly believe it!!
laterz
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