Thursday, April 30, 2009

living for the moment

What did I write last?

well still applying for school for the just of it! it's going pretty good I guess..its crazy to know I've been outta school for nearly two years. and even then I spent half the last year working and then quitting my job....

as this year approached there were a lot of things I have been doing...it's crazy that it's now the end of the month.. I can't quite grasp where my life has been going.. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for finding myself...instead of becoming all that people thought I'd become.. it's crazy you know? I mean when I think back to my life and my teenage years and just everything i can see how people would believe me to be a drug addict or something...

I like remembering my life back in Ontario the good parts of it anyhow..the amazing people I met and the relationships I had...the family i had back there... i miss it at times...but I feel like Im doing right by being home... although there are some serious things that I feel like i need to do right by...such as getting out on my own... I've spent the last year and half living with my family and as awesome as it is...it's hard...
Living in Ontario taught me to look out for myself, take care of myself...however being back in vancouver Im not just looking out for myself...Im looking after my family..the role I had when I left is still here...it makes me sad though...because really it feels like I hardly learned anything..

however there's that one thing that nothing can ever take away... that's my spirit my will to survive, my goals..my dreams..these things can never change..even though in all turmoil and heartache...the one thing I look forward to is future events.. it's crazy I dont know where it came from...regardless that God is not completly apart of my life he is still there...and I believe that he's the one giving me this hope for the future... i really hope I start getting back on a road that is better fit for me..
Im proud of myself because Im not drinking..Im not doing drugs...Im living as much as I can.. and even though all these things around me make me feel like Im drowning Im doing everything I can to survive...to stay alive...keep living..no matter what the case...im still here..and I dont know if that'll ever change..

but like all people..i have my low points in my life..I think Im there now... not having a job and not really doing anything..I have tried to do day jobs but never really qualified or able to make it on time... im borrowing money from people to pay my bills...the good thing about me is that I'm always good for money...I mean Im always able to pay back at some point...

I guess the one good thing coming up is this job opportunity..if it comes through I hope it will.. I should be on my own within a month or two..which will be spectecular..

I dont know whats going on with me..I think Im just spending too much time thinking.. thinking of these times now... all the things I have not accomplished...and all the love in the world that's just outta the world crazy and yet not here with me.. I dont know if I should continue to wait for that love but I want too..trying to.... I just hope soon enough it'll pan out...
I just want to be somewhere in my life...

I mean the other night talking about my passion..my soul..my life... the struggles..the great parts of my life..the greatest moments in my life...it makes me ashamed of the things I've done.. but Im always struggling... but I've been learning better ways of things...I feel like Im growing up. I mean instead of cutting or drinking..I cry now thats totally new to me.. I mean I dont cry around people but I allow myself to feel...and I feel like that's a big step for me...

I miss...i dont know... I just feel a little low...no real reason for it..I think it's just where Im at rightnow.. I guess I need to continue writing that script it'll keep me distracted..and as much as I dont want too..Im going to have to go to that class to get the actors in touch with me more properly... regardless of how I feel about that class..I guess it's just this is part of what I've got to do..and I'd like to get it done before the lady gets back in town..

well i guess that's it...thats what Im going to do.. I dont know how though..it's hard to finish up a script when I just feel the way I do you know? hopefully it'll come together..and that Margo would love it..and that it'll be perfect... i just need to stop this crap of myself and really focus on the tasks at hand... forget about the not doing anything and really focus on this great opportunity.. thats what Im going to do..it'll help pass time...at least hopefully till monday!!

good night

2 comments:

Tamatha said...

Is that the one you were asking me about?

jessie said...

yes