I started yesterday...road to success here I come again.
It was a month ago that I fell from my ways of doing good...with not cutting. but with the new year coming around the corner I decided that I wanted to try more and more then I ever have before. So yesterday my cousin and I went to North Van where it happened a month ago. and I threw away my blade again.
I felt bad that I had went to these places that make my heart warm and memories are great. to have gone there and defiled it with my pain and everything...expressing it the way that I had.. but I went back yesterday and I just had good thoughts...and a desire for a better hope and future ahead of me.
I forgot that my counselor wants to hear about this cutting thing...can you believe it? I mean its something I've done for ten years now and this is the first time it could be used in a positive way and so Im hoping to help out with that..
I mean when I was living in Ontario. and came to visit one year. I was asked to speak to some youth...and when I shared with them who I was and the things I had done in the past.. it really made an impact on them..
So for me to teach and share some of my life with my counselor..it's awesome...
However this is one topic that I dont talk about...I mean for me to talk about cutting. it's like me talking about the real emotions that I feel...the real pain that haunts me...so it'll be difficult. .but I guess all great things have to be difficult.
Other then the new year..idea...
Im looking forward to hearing about whats going on with my mentor and friend. because seriously its at times the only thing that keeps me together. I mean I get to learn from a woman with an extraordinary gift to be great. to teach. to learn. to everything that's great. and so Im really looking forward to that.
One thing I took from that workshop that I did..was the freedom of our lives. I mean. really I have gone out TWICE IN MY entire 23yrs of life... and I danced...on the street listenning to some great music...and my cousin laughs at me...But for me to be able to do that..and just be able to laugh at myself..or have that kind of freedom in my life..it's amazingly great...and I love the way it makes me feel...and I love making other people laugh..which is abnormal for me. because im not someone who likes being seen in big crowds...
As for feelings wise....well Im loooking back at this year...and thanking God that its over. there's been so much that has went on this year that has been extremly painful. and Ive got the scars to prove how painful this has been for me. however some good came from it..
I mean feelings wise... there's just been something growing in me...the freedom that im talking about...it's like a high for me.... Im not someone to be able to be great and happy.. I mean those who know me know the pain that I suffer and know the person I am...and for me to say that I've found a piece of freedom that Im able to express myself in a different way it's pretty damn amazing.
For the most of it right now....
emotions wise... I dont know...
The one thing I'm looking forward to is getting one gift...is that sad to say? Maybe it's because its something i really really wanted...and the person that's getting it for me..I only bought a christmas gift for her. which was pretty outta the world for me... but it was awesome.. I loved it and so for her to tell me she's going to buy me something I want...it'll be great...
Its like...
the one year.... many years ago... I had wanted this one Cd..just this one CD. and I was going to buy it myself..and something told me not too..and on Christmas day this family, my friends bought me this gift..this CD! Do you know???How happy I was? I wanted to scream and dance for joy because for the first time something I really wanted was given to me and it was a huge suprise.
I'll never forget that year. and I'll never for that amazing family. because all my life... it's been difficult to have a reaction to gifts when there things that I didnt ask for...the gesture was great and everything..but for me to react it's like..I'd rather open this gift in private..lol
wow
you know one new years. I haven't forgotten this one year either..for one new years. I was at a party it was a Christian thing that I got invited too.. and instead of all the different things people could do.. we just had fun playing games and everything...and then at midnight most of the adults went outside banging on pots and pans screaming Happy new year..
I haven't spent a new years like that...for a while
this last year...I was home..and once midnight came I went to bed.lol
If I had to pick one great moment that came this year...it would be meeting Margo Kane. I mean that was the best time ever in my entire life..or when she awarded me for volunteering for the whole week for the talking stick festival. Either way my best moments this year would be wrapped around my experience with margo kane. because I've met some amazing people through her, and I've learned so much working along side people that work for her.
well.. I guess im off to bed...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
endings
the year is coming to an end.
I must say how excited I am about that because there's been so much stuff going on this year that's just become overwhelming.
I didn't have a very good christmas. too much family issues...fighting and what not.. I felt bad for many of the family members that did not attend..it was really difficult christmas this year.
I've been emotional for specific reasons that I wish I could write about but Im afraid the words for those things are just not existing
family wise...well the family is alright but they could be better.
Im realizing more andmore. that no matter what I do nothing has changed.
I wrote something a while back and posted it here..about how my family treats me...and how they make me feel.. well those feelings have not gone away. I still feel terrible about leaving. I mean I thought I was going to go and make changes in my life that would benefitt my future, something to give me hope and future... then I come back and find out those ideas are long past dead because I feel like I shouldn't have come back.
I mean don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people, and working with Margo Kane was one of the best things ever.
but when it comes to having come back to be with my family it seems like I've made a mistake and even then...they make me realize that I made the mistake of going away...
I wanted to go and get help for issues in my life...that at times can still haunt me today. I wanted to follow God..believe in God..and have faith in God..
I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to do something that changed myself and the world.
Instead...it seems like i've ruined my family...destroyed them. I mean one thing that was said in Ontario was the coodependency and that still sticks today and is painful to see...
Im frustrated with this time at home..and I really hope that I'll find a way outta this soon because Im starting to lose all that I learned.
Im losing the confidence in myself...my self worth..and Im losing more and more patience.... what I mean is that I started acting out in the way that I act out.
either way not the best time to talk. I'm distracted and bothered by todays events..
Im trying to find a job and everything
ttyl
I must say how excited I am about that because there's been so much stuff going on this year that's just become overwhelming.
I didn't have a very good christmas. too much family issues...fighting and what not.. I felt bad for many of the family members that did not attend..it was really difficult christmas this year.
I've been emotional for specific reasons that I wish I could write about but Im afraid the words for those things are just not existing
family wise...well the family is alright but they could be better.
Im realizing more andmore. that no matter what I do nothing has changed.
I wrote something a while back and posted it here..about how my family treats me...and how they make me feel.. well those feelings have not gone away. I still feel terrible about leaving. I mean I thought I was going to go and make changes in my life that would benefitt my future, something to give me hope and future... then I come back and find out those ideas are long past dead because I feel like I shouldn't have come back.
I mean don't get me wrong I've met some amazing people, and working with Margo Kane was one of the best things ever.
but when it comes to having come back to be with my family it seems like I've made a mistake and even then...they make me realize that I made the mistake of going away...
I wanted to go and get help for issues in my life...that at times can still haunt me today. I wanted to follow God..believe in God..and have faith in God..
I wanted to be a leader. I wanted to do something that changed myself and the world.
Instead...it seems like i've ruined my family...destroyed them. I mean one thing that was said in Ontario was the coodependency and that still sticks today and is painful to see...
Im frustrated with this time at home..and I really hope that I'll find a way outta this soon because Im starting to lose all that I learned.
Im losing the confidence in myself...my self worth..and Im losing more and more patience.... what I mean is that I started acting out in the way that I act out.
either way not the best time to talk. I'm distracted and bothered by todays events..
Im trying to find a job and everything
ttyl
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
reality check
I recently as of yesterday went through a situation I did not know how to deal with. my family life has become this turmoil of constant pain and just lack of discipline.
I got so angry that I left the house and went out on my own for most of the night. I went all the way to North Van because I figured it was the furthest away that I could get from my house. I also went because in my mind...I had felt that I had once again failed everything good in my life and threfore I had to defile...myself..my memories of goodness.
The memory of North Van is that my dad used to take me on the seabus I don't remember why or anything like that I just know that to me it was a special time... and because I had felt so low in my life I had deal with it. my way of dealing with it was not crying, not crying to anyone. I didn't cry, I dont actually cry...and therefore I cut myself....a few times.
I then thought of another memory that was happy and that was working at that workshop on Granville Island I mean this was the one place I loved going because I made friends and a way to survive and everything..I mean I could not describe to you the amazing people I met there..
So I then went to Granville island and cut myself again.
it was after or during all this happened that two people....came into my life.... one being my counselor who just missed the whole thing by two minutes..and then my friend Krissy who missed it by a whole half hour..
I dont know what's going on in my life..maybe it's all the time I'm spending trying to make my house a happy house, not really a happy house...but a house of rules a place where we are forced to have rules...which seems lost because no matter what I do they get around it, and then if not then they torment me with freakin bulshit that tears holes in my heart....
I then realized after all of this that I wasn't even sure who to call...to tell someone that I had felt I had failed. that I messed up real bad in my life. that I could not survive these emotions.. that I wasn't eating. that I wasn't sleeping. that I wasn't living. where do i send these emotions?
then I figure in my head. this is my fault..,because I should'n't have left the way i did. I should've tried to deal with these emotions at home...but when I start shaking the way I was I knew I was angry and was going to hit something, say something that would hurt someone and so I had to leave.
But what if I was supposed to say? I couldnt stay...
I didn't even go anywhere or do anything. I mean I just left and cut myself and I didn't cry. I have become emotionless when it comes to crying...tears might well up in my eyes but I'd forbid myself from feeling emotion.
I didn't know who to call....do you know how terrible that is? I mean I didn't know who to call for help.
Im not sure what that means but to me it means that I dont really have that many close friends that I can turn too...and so I did what I had to just to make sure I wouldn't feel anything...
who knows..
so now Im home and Im just realizing no matter what I say or do...nothing changes...and so Ive decided to stop changing...maybe this is where I just change myself....
it's one of those
Lead by example or whatever...
I do things and then maybe they will follow...I just dont know what to do anymore..but Im feeling like Im drawing my last breath...
so I have booked everything for me to be leaving Saturday if the weather is alright..and Im going to see my uncle...
I have had him on my heart for a while now...and so now I've decided that this is the time.. and then I find out he had another mild stroke and that makes me sad....it brings tears to my eyes but again i dont cry...but Im scared...I want to spend every waking minute with my uncle and just show him that I love him..so this trip is not a two way thing...I leave until it's time to come back...I just want to spend time with him..and hope that it'll be enough you know?
well that's all my words that I needed to say...
if anything else...for the first time in years...this has never felt like christmas to me..... I heard this phrase about christmas being about markets selling sky high, and visa bills going out the roof and I realized thats it...we've made christmas into this expansive thing...its no longer about my family but about the sizeable gift we buy those we love.
so I didn't buy anythign for anyone..becaues not only do I not have the money...I just dont want christmas in my life to be about buying gifts...
I was thinking about this....this one amazing christmas I had...back in Ontario..
I was missing the christmas party becaues I came down with the flu...and my friend Angela I think dressed up like santa claus. and my close friends at that time came up the stairs singing and everything...to me that was christmas because I had the dearest friends to me, by my side. and I will never forget that because it was one of the best christmass in my life...because they were the ones that just showed me what christmas was all about...and that's what I loved so much.....I'll never forget that..
good night
I got so angry that I left the house and went out on my own for most of the night. I went all the way to North Van because I figured it was the furthest away that I could get from my house. I also went because in my mind...I had felt that I had once again failed everything good in my life and threfore I had to defile...myself..my memories of goodness.
The memory of North Van is that my dad used to take me on the seabus I don't remember why or anything like that I just know that to me it was a special time... and because I had felt so low in my life I had deal with it. my way of dealing with it was not crying, not crying to anyone. I didn't cry, I dont actually cry...and therefore I cut myself....a few times.
I then thought of another memory that was happy and that was working at that workshop on Granville Island I mean this was the one place I loved going because I made friends and a way to survive and everything..I mean I could not describe to you the amazing people I met there..
So I then went to Granville island and cut myself again.
it was after or during all this happened that two people....came into my life.... one being my counselor who just missed the whole thing by two minutes..and then my friend Krissy who missed it by a whole half hour..
I dont know what's going on in my life..maybe it's all the time I'm spending trying to make my house a happy house, not really a happy house...but a house of rules a place where we are forced to have rules...which seems lost because no matter what I do they get around it, and then if not then they torment me with freakin bulshit that tears holes in my heart....
I then realized after all of this that I wasn't even sure who to call...to tell someone that I had felt I had failed. that I messed up real bad in my life. that I could not survive these emotions.. that I wasn't eating. that I wasn't sleeping. that I wasn't living. where do i send these emotions?
then I figure in my head. this is my fault..,because I should'n't have left the way i did. I should've tried to deal with these emotions at home...but when I start shaking the way I was I knew I was angry and was going to hit something, say something that would hurt someone and so I had to leave.
But what if I was supposed to say? I couldnt stay...
I didn't even go anywhere or do anything. I mean I just left and cut myself and I didn't cry. I have become emotionless when it comes to crying...tears might well up in my eyes but I'd forbid myself from feeling emotion.
I didn't know who to call....do you know how terrible that is? I mean I didn't know who to call for help.
Im not sure what that means but to me it means that I dont really have that many close friends that I can turn too...and so I did what I had to just to make sure I wouldn't feel anything...
who knows..
so now Im home and Im just realizing no matter what I say or do...nothing changes...and so Ive decided to stop changing...maybe this is where I just change myself....
it's one of those
Lead by example or whatever...
I do things and then maybe they will follow...I just dont know what to do anymore..but Im feeling like Im drawing my last breath...
so I have booked everything for me to be leaving Saturday if the weather is alright..and Im going to see my uncle...
I have had him on my heart for a while now...and so now I've decided that this is the time.. and then I find out he had another mild stroke and that makes me sad....it brings tears to my eyes but again i dont cry...but Im scared...I want to spend every waking minute with my uncle and just show him that I love him..so this trip is not a two way thing...I leave until it's time to come back...I just want to spend time with him..and hope that it'll be enough you know?
well that's all my words that I needed to say...
if anything else...for the first time in years...this has never felt like christmas to me..... I heard this phrase about christmas being about markets selling sky high, and visa bills going out the roof and I realized thats it...we've made christmas into this expansive thing...its no longer about my family but about the sizeable gift we buy those we love.
so I didn't buy anythign for anyone..becaues not only do I not have the money...I just dont want christmas in my life to be about buying gifts...
I was thinking about this....this one amazing christmas I had...back in Ontario..
I was missing the christmas party becaues I came down with the flu...and my friend Angela I think dressed up like santa claus. and my close friends at that time came up the stairs singing and everything...to me that was christmas because I had the dearest friends to me, by my side. and I will never forget that because it was one of the best christmass in my life...because they were the ones that just showed me what christmas was all about...and that's what I loved so much.....I'll never forget that..
good night
Monday, December 15, 2008
recent situations
You Must be the change you want to see in the world (Mohatma Gandhi)
I read this quote at a meeting that I attended and thought wow. you know that's pretty amazing. to have these kinds of quotes floating around.. lol..
It's up to us.. it's like my other favorite quote
"My will shall shape the future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force I can clear any obstacle before me; or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility, win or lose only I hold the key to my destiny."
These sorts of quotes are awesome for someone like me.
The constant need and yearning I have to be positive..think positive.. to really realize Im not as worthless as all these bullshit people say I am.
I've been living my life..in this place...this hole really.. dark..horrible stuff...constantly having people telling me that I can't do anything, I can't succeed and that I am a failure. I do all this stuff to try do well..but I fail.. so now Im just like screw all of everyone Im going to do what I want to do..
So I decided to focus on school and my life that will come with that....I mean really that's all I moved back here for besides my family...but they just torment me..and freakin treat me like a piece of crap..
the only greatest times in my life were when I was working with those people..and although I had my down days...I freakin could not be any happier then being as happy as I was with them. I mean I smiled like I had never smiled before, I met people that I could look up too, and I connected with people who been through terrible shit and still managed to reach their goals and potential.
My counselor said to connect with people that are inspiring, that are positive.. so this past weekend I connected with those people and although at times it was difficult for me...I worked past it..and had fun. laughed..and had fun.
There was one situation I needed help dealing with and tried to find someone that would stand on my side and tell me that even though it was crap to do that it was what I needed to do. and thankfully I never found anyone who could help me with that...and I am glad because... one thing my friend said was that I have been making steps to get better in my life, and if I had made the decision I thought about then I'd be stepping backwards and away from the goals I am trying to reach.
So apart from moments of horror and pain...I have the moments that stay with me...the moments that make me smile..the memories of amazing friends...the idea and hope that I wanted and needed to find...I met some amazing people and can't believe that of all things I have an opportunity to make it just as they did..
as for the upcoming weeks...well I've decided that Im going away and I'd like to go see my uncle.. as difficult as it will be to be there... I know that this is not the time to be picky and that I want to spend time with my uncle...this is the time and this is what I want to do...and I hope that I will find the peace that I need...to mend things with him and just show him an unconditional love...
I leave probably Friday Im not sure yet...but I know that this is what I want to do..and nothing can and will stand in my way. I miss my uncle and I love my uncle and I can't wait till Friday. I just hope that I get to go alone..not have anyone with me because it's harder for me to spend time with my uncle when Im around all these other people.
thats it for now..
later
I read this quote at a meeting that I attended and thought wow. you know that's pretty amazing. to have these kinds of quotes floating around.. lol..
It's up to us.. it's like my other favorite quote
"My will shall shape the future, whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force I can clear any obstacle before me; or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility, win or lose only I hold the key to my destiny."
These sorts of quotes are awesome for someone like me.
The constant need and yearning I have to be positive..think positive.. to really realize Im not as worthless as all these bullshit people say I am.
I've been living my life..in this place...this hole really.. dark..horrible stuff...constantly having people telling me that I can't do anything, I can't succeed and that I am a failure. I do all this stuff to try do well..but I fail.. so now Im just like screw all of everyone Im going to do what I want to do..
So I decided to focus on school and my life that will come with that....I mean really that's all I moved back here for besides my family...but they just torment me..and freakin treat me like a piece of crap..
the only greatest times in my life were when I was working with those people..and although I had my down days...I freakin could not be any happier then being as happy as I was with them. I mean I smiled like I had never smiled before, I met people that I could look up too, and I connected with people who been through terrible shit and still managed to reach their goals and potential.
My counselor said to connect with people that are inspiring, that are positive.. so this past weekend I connected with those people and although at times it was difficult for me...I worked past it..and had fun. laughed..and had fun.
There was one situation I needed help dealing with and tried to find someone that would stand on my side and tell me that even though it was crap to do that it was what I needed to do. and thankfully I never found anyone who could help me with that...and I am glad because... one thing my friend said was that I have been making steps to get better in my life, and if I had made the decision I thought about then I'd be stepping backwards and away from the goals I am trying to reach.
So apart from moments of horror and pain...I have the moments that stay with me...the moments that make me smile..the memories of amazing friends...the idea and hope that I wanted and needed to find...I met some amazing people and can't believe that of all things I have an opportunity to make it just as they did..
as for the upcoming weeks...well I've decided that Im going away and I'd like to go see my uncle.. as difficult as it will be to be there... I know that this is not the time to be picky and that I want to spend time with my uncle...this is the time and this is what I want to do...and I hope that I will find the peace that I need...to mend things with him and just show him an unconditional love...
I leave probably Friday Im not sure yet...but I know that this is what I want to do..and nothing can and will stand in my way. I miss my uncle and I love my uncle and I can't wait till Friday. I just hope that I get to go alone..not have anyone with me because it's harder for me to spend time with my uncle when Im around all these other people.
thats it for now..
later
Friday, December 12, 2008
feelings in the future
My performance with my Full Circle friends went really well I was really happy to have been part of something great. I met so many amazing people that really were inspiring and encouraging. I loved it more then anything else. I mean it just was like six people getting together to create something great...that's what we did.
I could not have been more happy about that project and hope that more opportunities would come in the future for a play like that. I was inspired and uplifted in my life.
However as it ended...I started to realize the things that I put on hold...I mean I put my life on hold..all my desires of goals and everything were all gone, and my main focus was this workshop I mean it was great..I needed a distraction like although now...I don't know..
There's this movie I had seen... and one thing pops out at me very often at times. i mean I've shared the snake story so many times..that I felt it would be different to say something else..
well this other thing is a piece from the movie I had seen...
A man grabs his brother in frustration, anger, or just every feeling and he said to him "Hit me, Hit me Im suffocating here." and of course the brother hits him...
the major thing that stuck out was his phrase and actions... he grabbed his brother and just screamed hit me hit me...Im suffocating. and it often makes me think of my life..
everything Im doing in my life is good..I mean I have been doing well...but a part of me.. the inner part of me is suffocatting from the pain and torture....my counselor had said I am my own worst enemy...all in my mind Im struggling with everything you know? the decisions in my life.. the things in the future..the memories from the past..choices..decisions..mistakes... and all that stuff..
and when I did cut myself...that's how I felt..I was suffocating...I was lost in a place I could not find my way back..and I screamed out in a way that I've always known how... no knew about that situation actually I dont think I even told anyone.
As for the performace... when it ended and I came home...I was laying on my coach and realized.. what am I going to do? what do I want to do? I mean I want to go to school and everything, I want to get a job...and I just want all these things.. but for right now the main thing is school, but because I missed my appointments with the school I will have to find another program or wait for this program I wish to take... until then I need to find a job that I can be satisfied with..and have the time i need...I mean working with this group just brought something out in me....
its so hard to explain... I felt that I had never laughed so much, or enjoyed people so much. I mean they were inspiring, encouraging, really funny and just uplifting..which is a change in my life you know? I mean right now I struggle with many difficult times in my life and never really have that kind of stuff of goodness, happines.. and that's what I want you know? I mean who wouldn't want to laugh? I mean it was amazing....
When I left...I felt like that part of me that was a part of that died..when it ended... I mean I got off the bus near our house and just started dancing and smiling...Im not really sure why. I figure I was overtired or else I just knew that my life would not be like that ever again..like that kind of comfort, that kind of fun...
It's hard to let go of that.
I had a counselling appointment...and I went but I couldn't smile, I couldn't open myself up there. because there's something..something Im afraid to talk to anyone about.. or even there's also this part of me that's just lost you know? I dont know what to feel right now..how to feel. what to do and how to do it...its hard.
So I figure when I have some things going..I'd like to go visit my uncle for a bit because I've been talking about it for a while..and now I have my last bit of money to get outta town for a bit and just maybe think you know? find some short term goals, find something that makes me happy and just enjoy my life....
well Im off to bed..
good night
I could not have been more happy about that project and hope that more opportunities would come in the future for a play like that. I was inspired and uplifted in my life.
However as it ended...I started to realize the things that I put on hold...I mean I put my life on hold..all my desires of goals and everything were all gone, and my main focus was this workshop I mean it was great..I needed a distraction like although now...I don't know..
There's this movie I had seen... and one thing pops out at me very often at times. i mean I've shared the snake story so many times..that I felt it would be different to say something else..
well this other thing is a piece from the movie I had seen...
A man grabs his brother in frustration, anger, or just every feeling and he said to him "Hit me, Hit me Im suffocating here." and of course the brother hits him...
the major thing that stuck out was his phrase and actions... he grabbed his brother and just screamed hit me hit me...Im suffocating. and it often makes me think of my life..
everything Im doing in my life is good..I mean I have been doing well...but a part of me.. the inner part of me is suffocatting from the pain and torture....my counselor had said I am my own worst enemy...all in my mind Im struggling with everything you know? the decisions in my life.. the things in the future..the memories from the past..choices..decisions..mistakes... and all that stuff..
and when I did cut myself...that's how I felt..I was suffocating...I was lost in a place I could not find my way back..and I screamed out in a way that I've always known how... no knew about that situation actually I dont think I even told anyone.
As for the performace... when it ended and I came home...I was laying on my coach and realized.. what am I going to do? what do I want to do? I mean I want to go to school and everything, I want to get a job...and I just want all these things.. but for right now the main thing is school, but because I missed my appointments with the school I will have to find another program or wait for this program I wish to take... until then I need to find a job that I can be satisfied with..and have the time i need...I mean working with this group just brought something out in me....
its so hard to explain... I felt that I had never laughed so much, or enjoyed people so much. I mean they were inspiring, encouraging, really funny and just uplifting..which is a change in my life you know? I mean right now I struggle with many difficult times in my life and never really have that kind of stuff of goodness, happines.. and that's what I want you know? I mean who wouldn't want to laugh? I mean it was amazing....
When I left...I felt like that part of me that was a part of that died..when it ended... I mean I got off the bus near our house and just started dancing and smiling...Im not really sure why. I figure I was overtired or else I just knew that my life would not be like that ever again..like that kind of comfort, that kind of fun...
It's hard to let go of that.
I had a counselling appointment...and I went but I couldn't smile, I couldn't open myself up there. because there's something..something Im afraid to talk to anyone about.. or even there's also this part of me that's just lost you know? I dont know what to feel right now..how to feel. what to do and how to do it...its hard.
So I figure when I have some things going..I'd like to go visit my uncle for a bit because I've been talking about it for a while..and now I have my last bit of money to get outta town for a bit and just maybe think you know? find some short term goals, find something that makes me happy and just enjoy my life....
well Im off to bed..
good night
Monday, December 8, 2008
low point
I lie awake at night crying my heart out. their words are like words aiming and striking my heart..telling me that I said I would be better, telling me I said I'd be the best sister. Each day Im reminded of how much I've failed how much I've hurt them...
Each day I try my best to grasp onto some kind of glimor of hope, a hope that might just give me a strength, a hope that will allow me to smile again. a hope I wait for to tell me that I will get through this. I search each day looking for a sign, looking for something that says I have been good, that I have been better.
My weak feeble heart has been tarnished, my wounds from their words heal in time until the next time they tell me how horrible I am. I remind myself that if it wasn't this I would be wores... I would be a drug addict I would lose my life to an unfullfilling yearning... I remind myself that these are just children, these are children that torment me. these are children that tell me Im not good enough.
I lie awake with the torment and knowledge that I am in fact a failure. I did not do drugs and I did not die... but I failed because I left!....I Left! to find my destiny and my hope and therefore Im everything I don't want to be and Im everything I cannot change.
No matter how good I get...No matter what I do! The words of him live on, the words of him live on, the wounds she has suffered have become the fierce sword that guts me. makes me unable to stand. unable to fight for myself..unable to live pas all the wounds they make me suffer..
the heartache has beome too great, the pain has pierced me in my inmost being...my hope is non existant I can't shake the thoughts out of my me, I cannot recover from the mass arrows they continue to strike me. my hope..the hope I had is that one day I will be a great leader, one day I'll get through this. as the wounds from these people continue to become infected the idea of a hope in the future continues to dim.... How will I withstand this..how will I make it through...Hope is no longer a word that I know, hope is no longer what I can see....If I see it, it is only in my dreams.. I have failed and am failing...
I am wounded and lost all reason to be here...because the words spoken by these children...these children I came to protect, these are the children I came to care for... these the children that are in fact my brothers and sisters.....
Telling me that I have failed and I have hurt them and I left them years ago even though Im here now to them....................
I am a Ghost!
Each day I try my best to grasp onto some kind of glimor of hope, a hope that might just give me a strength, a hope that will allow me to smile again. a hope I wait for to tell me that I will get through this. I search each day looking for a sign, looking for something that says I have been good, that I have been better.
My weak feeble heart has been tarnished, my wounds from their words heal in time until the next time they tell me how horrible I am. I remind myself that if it wasn't this I would be wores... I would be a drug addict I would lose my life to an unfullfilling yearning... I remind myself that these are just children, these are children that torment me. these are children that tell me Im not good enough.
I lie awake with the torment and knowledge that I am in fact a failure. I did not do drugs and I did not die... but I failed because I left!....I Left! to find my destiny and my hope and therefore Im everything I don't want to be and Im everything I cannot change.
No matter how good I get...No matter what I do! The words of him live on, the words of him live on, the wounds she has suffered have become the fierce sword that guts me. makes me unable to stand. unable to fight for myself..unable to live pas all the wounds they make me suffer..
the heartache has beome too great, the pain has pierced me in my inmost being...my hope is non existant I can't shake the thoughts out of my me, I cannot recover from the mass arrows they continue to strike me. my hope..the hope I had is that one day I will be a great leader, one day I'll get through this. as the wounds from these people continue to become infected the idea of a hope in the future continues to dim.... How will I withstand this..how will I make it through...Hope is no longer a word that I know, hope is no longer what I can see....If I see it, it is only in my dreams.. I have failed and am failing...
I am wounded and lost all reason to be here...because the words spoken by these children...these children I came to protect, these are the children I came to care for... these the children that are in fact my brothers and sisters.....
Telling me that I have failed and I have hurt them and I left them years ago even though Im here now to them....................
I am a Ghost!
attitude and life
I started off the day with fighting/ screaming arguing and frustrated as hell..I mean its the beginning of the week yeah I dont know where my life is going. and I dont know what Im going to be doing. and then having my family issues come into my life and really just destroy me.
I went to the workshop with the pooriest attitude ever. I was frustrated and I felt like I had been carrying the whole world on my shoulders and that I was just going to be destroyed if anything else would just push me over the edge. of course that piece did come because I always end up being destroyed in the end... it was frustrating I wanted to walk out of the workshop because I knew that my attitude and mind were completely in different places.
After the workshop I literally was leaving and just thinking of my life and how messed up things are for me you know? So I decided the only way to deal with that was to go where I often go in times like this.
I went to Main and Hastings "Skidrow" this place reminds me of why Im living. why Im breathing....
YOu know...like the place the reminds me of why Im alive. why I decided to stay alive, why I decided to fight..why I decided that death is not the place for me. why I decided that I could not handle anything doesn't mean I have to give up.
I was thrown in a place like this...and then in those moments...
those moments when my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking and its a fear but not an actual fear it's more of a remorse...or something...when I realize where I am at and where everyone else's at...
you know you could go to Waterfront station and see a life of amount of people just walking, and sitting, and then you can go to Main and Hastings and same thing...however these are not people..these are the walking dead...these are the reason that we should be thankful for our lives.. I mean seriously....
Do you know that I could've been one of those people? I could've been a drug addict. I could've been a prostitute..most of my friends back then became that and if not then most of my friends thought I'd become like that..so it's like it was put in the stars for me to fail in my life..but I didn.t I survived...
So you wonder...you know?
When I get that close to death..that close to everything that could destroy me...what goes through my mind?
I realize that my life's problem things that are trying to destroy me...are things that don't even compare to those who are dying down there...those that are suffering so much pain.. those that are craving..desiring..yearning and dying from the very thing they believe they should be living for.
so in comparision my life's problems these issues are nothing and Im making too big a deal about this....I can't believe it...and Im so glad that I can go there...and that I can be there... and see that even though it brings tears to my eyes..it hurts me..it makes me cry but I still like it because it reminds me that I AM NOT DEAD YET!
so I hope with my experience I'll be able to find myself and find things going more smoothly in the near future....
thanks
I went to the workshop with the pooriest attitude ever. I was frustrated and I felt like I had been carrying the whole world on my shoulders and that I was just going to be destroyed if anything else would just push me over the edge. of course that piece did come because I always end up being destroyed in the end... it was frustrating I wanted to walk out of the workshop because I knew that my attitude and mind were completely in different places.
After the workshop I literally was leaving and just thinking of my life and how messed up things are for me you know? So I decided the only way to deal with that was to go where I often go in times like this.
I went to Main and Hastings "Skidrow" this place reminds me of why Im living. why Im breathing....
YOu know...like the place the reminds me of why Im alive. why I decided to stay alive, why I decided to fight..why I decided that death is not the place for me. why I decided that I could not handle anything doesn't mean I have to give up.
I was thrown in a place like this...and then in those moments...
those moments when my legs are shaking, my hands are shaking and its a fear but not an actual fear it's more of a remorse...or something...when I realize where I am at and where everyone else's at...
you know you could go to Waterfront station and see a life of amount of people just walking, and sitting, and then you can go to Main and Hastings and same thing...however these are not people..these are the walking dead...these are the reason that we should be thankful for our lives.. I mean seriously....
Do you know that I could've been one of those people? I could've been a drug addict. I could've been a prostitute..most of my friends back then became that and if not then most of my friends thought I'd become like that..so it's like it was put in the stars for me to fail in my life..but I didn.t I survived...
So you wonder...you know?
When I get that close to death..that close to everything that could destroy me...what goes through my mind?
I realize that my life's problem things that are trying to destroy me...are things that don't even compare to those who are dying down there...those that are suffering so much pain.. those that are craving..desiring..yearning and dying from the very thing they believe they should be living for.
so in comparision my life's problems these issues are nothing and Im making too big a deal about this....I can't believe it...and Im so glad that I can go there...and that I can be there... and see that even though it brings tears to my eyes..it hurts me..it makes me cry but I still like it because it reminds me that I AM NOT DEAD YET!
so I hope with my experience I'll be able to find myself and find things going more smoothly in the near future....
thanks
Sunday, December 7, 2008
day off
I was just thinking about some things... Do you know how easy it is for someone to fall apart? I mean that like say like myself I haven't drank in five weeks...do you know how easy it is for me to go out to a party or bar and just start drinking? Yet to go to those things and not drink is so much more courageous..but it's one of those things if you play with fire too much then you'll get burned you know what Im saying?
I went to my cousins because it was his birthday and Im not close to him but my other cousin wanted me to go with him for a bit. I had one sip of their drink and one sip of another drink but then I was like nope Im not drinking..those two sips were like 'oh if jess isn't drinking dadada' like it was a pressure thing and then it was 'well it's your cousins birthday you have to have a drink for him' thankfully they forgot about that after I had taken the drink. It was really hard though you know? I mean i could've easily drank everything just threw it all down and gotten wasted...but I didn't want too you know? it was my intention to be there and chill with everyone..but my desire was not for drinking.all's I thought about was my family and how much I wanted to be home...
I dont know...I mean I had one drink or sip...in five weeks...so I feel like I've accomplished something in someway.
However in the midst of that.. I did what I did not want to do.
How do I explain this? I can't explain it in a way that anyone will understand. I decided that since I was being haunted by the thoughts of cutting, and it continued to come up I decided to do it...because the ache for it became unbearable..and it seemed like in my head everyone was constantly getting mad at me when it wasn't that way at all, it just felt that way..like i needed a reason to cut you know? so either way I fell from that...not harshly thankfully. I tried my best. i made it five weeks with that too.
Im more thinking of it as I just need to figure out the things that happened from that that caused me to feel that strong desire...and try find some new ways of avoiding that happening again.
other then all this stuff...this workshop seems to be going pretty good. I mean I feel so much more comfortable with everyone and more opportunity to just laugh...something Im definetly not used too..I mean there is something about this group that just brings a smile outta me. it's been really awesome becaues it's healing you know? yet at the same time Im not talking about the important things in life, Im hiding the things that are bothering me, hiding the destructiveness of my life. Im afraid what might happen to me if I decided to say anything...I mean it's not important to these people you know? these people are like co-workers it's not like we all stay and chat and catch up...its not like any of them know me..how can you truly know someone from working with them in 6 days? I dont know..
either way the workshop is going better. I feel more confident and less afraid. I am trying to bring out more of myself into this thing, trying to keep myself open for opportunity. trying to move with beter rhythm and all that stuff...
I just hope it's going to be great..and that we find a great place to be because Im really excited for it..
well that's pretty much it..and Im really just hoping to figure my life out after this is done you know? I mean I have so much to figure out..school and all that..this was just a opportunity for growth in my life..as well as some extra cash to be able to pay for everything...
anyhow...it's morning an I just wanted to share...
ttyl
I went to my cousins because it was his birthday and Im not close to him but my other cousin wanted me to go with him for a bit. I had one sip of their drink and one sip of another drink but then I was like nope Im not drinking..those two sips were like 'oh if jess isn't drinking dadada' like it was a pressure thing and then it was 'well it's your cousins birthday you have to have a drink for him' thankfully they forgot about that after I had taken the drink. It was really hard though you know? I mean i could've easily drank everything just threw it all down and gotten wasted...but I didn't want too you know? it was my intention to be there and chill with everyone..but my desire was not for drinking.all's I thought about was my family and how much I wanted to be home...
I dont know...I mean I had one drink or sip...in five weeks...so I feel like I've accomplished something in someway.
However in the midst of that.. I did what I did not want to do.
How do I explain this? I can't explain it in a way that anyone will understand. I decided that since I was being haunted by the thoughts of cutting, and it continued to come up I decided to do it...because the ache for it became unbearable..and it seemed like in my head everyone was constantly getting mad at me when it wasn't that way at all, it just felt that way..like i needed a reason to cut you know? so either way I fell from that...not harshly thankfully. I tried my best. i made it five weeks with that too.
Im more thinking of it as I just need to figure out the things that happened from that that caused me to feel that strong desire...and try find some new ways of avoiding that happening again.
other then all this stuff...this workshop seems to be going pretty good. I mean I feel so much more comfortable with everyone and more opportunity to just laugh...something Im definetly not used too..I mean there is something about this group that just brings a smile outta me. it's been really awesome becaues it's healing you know? yet at the same time Im not talking about the important things in life, Im hiding the things that are bothering me, hiding the destructiveness of my life. Im afraid what might happen to me if I decided to say anything...I mean it's not important to these people you know? these people are like co-workers it's not like we all stay and chat and catch up...its not like any of them know me..how can you truly know someone from working with them in 6 days? I dont know..
either way the workshop is going better. I feel more confident and less afraid. I am trying to bring out more of myself into this thing, trying to keep myself open for opportunity. trying to move with beter rhythm and all that stuff...
I just hope it's going to be great..and that we find a great place to be because Im really excited for it..
well that's pretty much it..and Im really just hoping to figure my life out after this is done you know? I mean I have so much to figure out..school and all that..this was just a opportunity for growth in my life..as well as some extra cash to be able to pay for everything...
anyhow...it's morning an I just wanted to share...
ttyl
Thursday, December 4, 2008
failing in some way
Where do I begin? the last time I wrote I said I was struggling with strong desires that seemed to overpower me at times. especially when it came to emotional crisis, or even just frustration...feelings of inadequacy.
I guess with the determination and desire felt within me caused me to do things I wish I did not. act in ways I wish i could not remember.
In other words I failed...the feelings were strong...the support was lacking. and even then who was I to reach out too in this time? so I did what I craved to do, desired and needed to do.
It was great because I made it four weeks without it and survived somewhat...and so even though i failed I just have to find new habits, new desires..and all that and maybe I'll do better next time.
the workshop thing Im doing is going alright. a little strange I dont really feel part of the group, I feel like a bystander to the group...but that's partly my fault because im so unsure of the whole situation and everything it's hard to figure out where it all goes and how it all happens..
anyhow...
I can't write much longer..the kids are back....
try again when I have more time.
night
I guess with the determination and desire felt within me caused me to do things I wish I did not. act in ways I wish i could not remember.
In other words I failed...the feelings were strong...the support was lacking. and even then who was I to reach out too in this time? so I did what I craved to do, desired and needed to do.
It was great because I made it four weeks without it and survived somewhat...and so even though i failed I just have to find new habits, new desires..and all that and maybe I'll do better next time.
the workshop thing Im doing is going alright. a little strange I dont really feel part of the group, I feel like a bystander to the group...but that's partly my fault because im so unsure of the whole situation and everything it's hard to figure out where it all goes and how it all happens..
anyhow...
I can't write much longer..the kids are back....
try again when I have more time.
night
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
unsure territory
It's hard to figure out where to begin...I guess with the starting of this week. I started attending a workshop..something that I didn't think I'd be interested in but it was as a favor to my great inspiration and friend Margo.
since attending the workshop I've found myself in this place in my mind where Im trying to act everything....haha... I catch myself walking down the street imitating something I'm listenning too or just thinking...I started singing terribly when Im wanting to embarass myself..
However apart from this workshop...
My schedule has had to change and change...and hope that it is done with change.
It's hard to figure out what to say... I mean today I sat at my seat just listenning not intently.. and then I looked at the vicious villian...I looked at my arm.. memories of past events that have tormented me to the point of self-abuse... Im not sure what it was that caused me to get upset.. but when I left my workshop I was on my way home with one intention..to hurt myself.. it has been five weeks since I have drank, five weeks since I cut myself..and today was the first day that I felt so low for some reason...
I actually figured..it might be about how I feel in this workshop...my lack of imput..and my lack of participation or being able to understand what's going on...I felt inadequate...and any time I feel like that..cutting is the first thing to save me from everything...I mean if any feeling is not worth feeling in any way shape of form it's inadequate...
I hate that feeling adn when I feel that way i never know how to drive it away from me. and so I cut...
however... I came home...tried so much to forget it..but all's I heard was the fighting..the fighting of my brothers adn sisters...the arguing..the yelling..screaming...I can't have one moment alone where I can just rest..I have to come home and work to even rest...so constantly working...
well we were invited to go to get some ice-cream..so we all went....
Of course the fighting, and arguing continued...and an incident happened...and my brother, my youngest sister an I were all crying for different reasons... accidents..or something like that.. but me...I was crying because I am growing tired of this family...I mean I can't come home and rest I can't comehome and just enjoy the company of my family.. Im forced to yell and scream... demand everything..and I can't just rest I have five people coming to me with complaints that Im expected to deal with... I felt like cutting off my own head..and the thoughts of cutting continued after that strongly more then anything...because more and more my youngest sister finds the words...
I really don't want to say this...but her father...one way he used to torment me, torture me and wound me...was when he'd play on my weaknesses...like my dad being dead..he'd really emphasize on the way my father died..as if to say my dad committed suicide or that my dad was an idiot or something..
well my youngest sister..has that same quality..when she gets upset with me...she plays on words I've said...about wanting to be a better sister, wanting to stop drinking...wanting to be a better person, make better choices...because for me..I find it important for them to know where I am at in my life..but my youngest sister brings up the pain of the past and throws it in my face as if to say that I'll never change and that Im stupid. Im inadequate.
so I cried....
I cried....
I cried...................
We got to the place..and I walked away... i could not believe how much a little child can make me feel so horrible...but it's not her..it's everything else...the emotions of my life..the turmoil of all this bull is piling up on me...as if to say Im the king. Im superman and Im expected to solve every problem in everyone else' life because it's me..Im the parent...apparently I gave birth to four children that I never knew about... apparently I am the father and mother to all these kids.. yet these kids are my brothers and sisters...being raised by me..and they well just my youngest sister is the only one disobeying me.... the rest have respect to understand I do these things for their own good...
YET IN THE END WHY AM I PLAYING THIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I stop being the father/mother.. why can't I just be the sister...why do I have to be the one that gets the chores done...the laundry done...the computer use...the sleep times.. the time at this and that...like seriously...Im losing my mind...
an for the first time in five weeks I wanted to cut....I mean I've thought about it often at times before but this time was worse..>I was planning it out..I wanted to do it...and I was going to but I dont want to you know>?>>>> I dont want to but I want too..I crave it I desire it I need it.. but I dont and so I contimplate all these thoughts..of could' haves the should haves...the yes', the no's.. everything..and Im still in this boat..
more like an edge of a cliff trying to hold onto any hope that I have...any humilty I have..and yet calling out for help seems so immovable..so prideful...my pride my stubborness.. i can't tell people how I feel...what would they say? they'd tell me I was crazy or something...
I dont cut because it's just something to do..believe me I wish I hadn't..and all these scars have become vicious villians in mylife...vicious villian that torments me in times of everything..it's always there and I hate it..and Im struggling so much more then I've struggled before and Im so scared...and I know that the only way...,is to write it out...
I wish that I could stop...because Im doing things I dont want too..I dont want to do it.. I want to live..I want to make it longer without cutting..I wanted to keep my body beautiful..I dont want it anymore...but it's......................
it's killing me with this dark side of me calling to it..yearning for it... a drug addict with the needle in hand just getting the string around their arm...just on the verge of doing it...just cooking it up and just about to do it...
Im losing my mind with these thoughts..if I dont find a place for them soon I know what will happen and yet....I dont know how or who..or what...or why..I just know it's there.. sitting lingering in my head...ready to torture me..in my sleep...in my walks..in my attitude..in my life until the relief...until it's done...
what the heck.!
since attending the workshop I've found myself in this place in my mind where Im trying to act everything....haha... I catch myself walking down the street imitating something I'm listenning too or just thinking...I started singing terribly when Im wanting to embarass myself..
However apart from this workshop...
My schedule has had to change and change...and hope that it is done with change.
It's hard to figure out what to say... I mean today I sat at my seat just listenning not intently.. and then I looked at the vicious villian...I looked at my arm.. memories of past events that have tormented me to the point of self-abuse... Im not sure what it was that caused me to get upset.. but when I left my workshop I was on my way home with one intention..to hurt myself.. it has been five weeks since I have drank, five weeks since I cut myself..and today was the first day that I felt so low for some reason...
I actually figured..it might be about how I feel in this workshop...my lack of imput..and my lack of participation or being able to understand what's going on...I felt inadequate...and any time I feel like that..cutting is the first thing to save me from everything...I mean if any feeling is not worth feeling in any way shape of form it's inadequate...
I hate that feeling adn when I feel that way i never know how to drive it away from me. and so I cut...
however... I came home...tried so much to forget it..but all's I heard was the fighting..the fighting of my brothers adn sisters...the arguing..the yelling..screaming...I can't have one moment alone where I can just rest..I have to come home and work to even rest...so constantly working...
well we were invited to go to get some ice-cream..so we all went....
Of course the fighting, and arguing continued...and an incident happened...and my brother, my youngest sister an I were all crying for different reasons... accidents..or something like that.. but me...I was crying because I am growing tired of this family...I mean I can't come home and rest I can't comehome and just enjoy the company of my family.. Im forced to yell and scream... demand everything..and I can't just rest I have five people coming to me with complaints that Im expected to deal with... I felt like cutting off my own head..and the thoughts of cutting continued after that strongly more then anything...because more and more my youngest sister finds the words...
I really don't want to say this...but her father...one way he used to torment me, torture me and wound me...was when he'd play on my weaknesses...like my dad being dead..he'd really emphasize on the way my father died..as if to say my dad committed suicide or that my dad was an idiot or something..
well my youngest sister..has that same quality..when she gets upset with me...she plays on words I've said...about wanting to be a better sister, wanting to stop drinking...wanting to be a better person, make better choices...because for me..I find it important for them to know where I am at in my life..but my youngest sister brings up the pain of the past and throws it in my face as if to say that I'll never change and that Im stupid. Im inadequate.
so I cried....
I cried....
I cried...................
We got to the place..and I walked away... i could not believe how much a little child can make me feel so horrible...but it's not her..it's everything else...the emotions of my life..the turmoil of all this bull is piling up on me...as if to say Im the king. Im superman and Im expected to solve every problem in everyone else' life because it's me..Im the parent...apparently I gave birth to four children that I never knew about... apparently I am the father and mother to all these kids.. yet these kids are my brothers and sisters...being raised by me..and they well just my youngest sister is the only one disobeying me.... the rest have respect to understand I do these things for their own good...
YET IN THE END WHY AM I PLAYING THIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I stop being the father/mother.. why can't I just be the sister...why do I have to be the one that gets the chores done...the laundry done...the computer use...the sleep times.. the time at this and that...like seriously...Im losing my mind...
an for the first time in five weeks I wanted to cut....I mean I've thought about it often at times before but this time was worse..>I was planning it out..I wanted to do it...and I was going to but I dont want to you know>?>>>> I dont want to but I want too..I crave it I desire it I need it.. but I dont and so I contimplate all these thoughts..of could' haves the should haves...the yes', the no's.. everything..and Im still in this boat..
more like an edge of a cliff trying to hold onto any hope that I have...any humilty I have..and yet calling out for help seems so immovable..so prideful...my pride my stubborness.. i can't tell people how I feel...what would they say? they'd tell me I was crazy or something...
I dont cut because it's just something to do..believe me I wish I hadn't..and all these scars have become vicious villians in mylife...vicious villian that torments me in times of everything..it's always there and I hate it..and Im struggling so much more then I've struggled before and Im so scared...and I know that the only way...,is to write it out...
I wish that I could stop...because Im doing things I dont want too..I dont want to do it.. I want to live..I want to make it longer without cutting..I wanted to keep my body beautiful..I dont want it anymore...but it's......................
it's killing me with this dark side of me calling to it..yearning for it... a drug addict with the needle in hand just getting the string around their arm...just on the verge of doing it...just cooking it up and just about to do it...
Im losing my mind with these thoughts..if I dont find a place for them soon I know what will happen and yet....I dont know how or who..or what...or why..I just know it's there.. sitting lingering in my head...ready to torture me..in my sleep...in my walks..in my attitude..in my life until the relief...until it's done...
what the heck.!
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