too high

Where do I even begin?

I have applications to a program that I would love to take in January but time wise I have no time..and now I am helping a friend out with an idea for the next ten days.
I mean for me this experience in itself will be interesting. Im in a workshop with some other people more creative people and yet Im in it...Not too sure why but it'll be an interesting experience... Im excited to see what happens to it and if anything will happen to it.

I met with margo kane..she's the friend that gave me the job, or the one that needed some help with this workshop... I must say how amazing it was to be able to meet her and through her meeting many other wonderful people...the only thing is the experiences, or even not the experiences but the difference between myself and all of them... it's like Im in a place that I don't belong...but it's only because I've never done something like this before so maybe it'll be a good thing...

I have to talk about this one thing.....and I dont want too...

the relationship that ended so viciouslly...well it's not reconciled however there are so many explanations and reasons and everything....it's honestly got me thinking but yet then I hear what my counselor said about the whole thing and I realize I can't do this... I mean.. I just can't.. but it's so tempting..the familiarility..and the confidence..the love all of that is there.. but at the same time there's only downsides to this and there's only pain that will rip me to pieces.
Its too difficult to be on the phone with them..and try not be the person that I was when I was in the relationship...to say nothing...or act in no way that is turning point of me feeling anything.. but yet how can I deny those feelings? I deny them by remembering the decisions my love made a month ago....the decisions and choices that destroyed my world, helped that relationship grow apart...
Its hard though...if I can just say that... I mean when the phone rings..the voice..the laugh.. the love its all there and yet...the pain lingers...the pain reminds me of the pain I never want to feel again...

however... theres just I mean..I just need to focus on my life..and not on the lives of those I want to love..because I honestly have so much on my plate..and now that I have no real job and all this opportunity it's time for me to focus on that...even if there's still the love there and everything...I just have to let it go...my worst thing...my worst quality is letting things go. I fail at it becaues I can't help but love..and hold on...

well I dont know what else I can say...

this project for the next ten days will be a new experience a fun experience I hope. the only thing I really want is to speak up..find some creativity to just be able to voice whatever I can. and particpate well in this thing... and just do my best...and be the best... and make new amazing friends because that'll really be awesome...

that's pretty much it for now....

maybe later...i'll have something to talk about

new chapter

A new chapter has opened in my life. although many close friends and family members were concerned of my financial situation..lets face it I was terrifed of the choice I had made in quitting my job.

However it's the first day that I've been checking out schools and Im applying for one on Thursday and hope to start if i get accepted in January. It's a long haul...or short turn.. I mean it's short notice but the long haul I hope will be quick...cause if I get accepted I'll be moving out of Vancouver.

It's scary to think that it's been a year since I've been home...

This past year I have been in a relationship twice.

I've watched many of my family and friends die, or have loved ones die...I've had those same poeple make poor living decisions...

I myself...have attempted to make a bad decision... I try to forget it but it comes up in my head so often.
I mean it's not everyday that someone like me can get into life so bad that I'd decide something like that. Im disappointed in myself. but my counselor said I should look at the fact I didn't do it..But peoples knowing me..know I'll be ten times harder on myself then I should be.

this relationship tore me to shreads...ripped every piece of my pride and love for life..all went away when they left...but something else seemed to have birthed from such tragedies in my life.
A zeal to survive... not for others...not for what others want for my life...but what I want for my life...
To do things in my own...to attend school...to do what I have to do so that I can survive....so that I can find the strength in my life to stay away from things...not have others carry that burden for me...

It gets me thinking alot though....

It's been three weeks now since all the life of my life went down the drain...I made a poor decision or attempted to make a poor decision and instead it gave me a different perspective. Im not sure what it was...but I figure it to be the rock bottom of my life... realizing that all my existance I said I'd never do drugs again and there I was fighting to do it...I didn't do it.. but after that night..it changed everything...
I stopped hanging and chatting with those who influence me to drink...and when I personally get that urge with no one to help I turn to my brothers and sisters...keep me on my toes.

As for College..Im terrifed of what it will look like you know? not a lot of people in my family have gone through that sort of thing..however to me it's like Im the generation thats leading others as often people have said...and I want to go to College and I pray that all my brothers and sisters and family members, friends I hope they all follow...because i am greater than this you know?

Im greater then going out on Friday and Saturday night to get wasted..punking my guts out and being hungover for days. Im greater then cutting..this passion I've had for it..this passion as a drug addict needs their next hit..is how I felt about cutting..i felt I could not live my life..I felt that I'd get angier or meaner, sadder when I did not cut... it was a drug to me...it was the reason I felt I had stayed sain.
I come to realize the vicious villian...

As I've talked about so many times...
the snake and it's prey...the snake wraps itself around its prey and squeezes the life out of it before eating it whole...

my life was consumed by drinking, cutting and other things... it got real bad at times. and to me it was like I was the prey...my life was being sucked out of me..my air..my breath.. my hope, my dreams..everything was just going away...
after that attempted bad decision..it's like the grip just loosened and I felt I realized what was important in my life...

I can't sleep though....nights continue on..and yet I can't sleep... I worry about the day to day of my life. I work at times but not as often.I get paid more money at this new job but I work when I can...and because of all the College help.like going to the College's to get help to fill out applications..talking to people..travelling and all that...it's every other day...which is fine because the most I guess I need to pay for are the College Application fees...although for one program I need a licence so Im going to be working towards that too.

Its strange....

the pain still lingers in my heart...but I've learned to live with it you know? A break up is painful and the memories are so hard to forget.the love is so hard to detouriate and everything.. but there's some way to live through it you know? there's some way to live with that pain and just not hide it or anything..but not allow it to ruin everything good about me...
I didn't think I'd really get through a break-up like that...something so much more then a relationship it's so hard to explain...but it was real..and it was really amazing... and then it ended and it could've destroyed me you know? it couldve let me crawl in a hole and die...
But me being me..I'd never let that happen...

it's all in time...


there's a new chapter of my life just beginning ;)

I quit

Out of an impulse of frustration and stupidity. I decided to quit my job. today is my last day. I am frustrated about the idea of working. I mean I was working to pay off bills I paid off little to nothing. I would get really good in my bills and then my mom would use up my money.
what's the point of working? yeah I know new chain, new clothes, new shoes..etc...but it's not what Im working for.

I want to have an education. so starting next week I'll be applying to College. I want to work at a place that allows me to have a career job, a job I always wanted..not just a temporary thing that has got me no where in life. I got my raise at this job but it's .50 cents.. im not up for working at this job when I could be in College doing what's important to me.

there are a lot of other reasons for quitting but the major one is that I want to look forward to my future of life...not living in the now you know? I mean I am glad for all the things I have but it's not what I want to live my life for...I can hardly survive at my job doing this thing..I mean I don't make enough money to be living on my own, and I dont make enough money to support myself and my bills...
I know school would be more challenging and I actually would rather be in school then anything else...

Lots of people are telling me that I've made the wrong decision however....in my head I see the things I should be doing in life.. I've got good support system for me and good people who are helping me....they may not approve what Im doing but I know that I need to start looking at the future events of my life...and not always trying to survive on a low salary.
Its my choice, my responsibility my decision. if anything when I do need money I'll do a temp work for the day.

it's frustratin also because everyone said I should wait till after Christmas but I can't do that either...I mean the school I want to apply too said they'd take people in the early new year. and then I have some other opportunities...and it just seems like this is what I want to do...
Im scared about this decision but Im confident that I can do this....

anyhow...Im off this is my last day of work....I dont even want to go but I said I would... as this is my last day of work....
see how it goes...

i think also with this decision it'll cause some more thoughts and emotions with my lost love because my work kept me occupied and I didn't have time to think...so that's something I'll worry about...but once I get things rolling with school...I'll be on the road to success...

ttyl

hard to say goodbye

regardless that Im in a place where I've never felt so wounded from the past...Im trying to let go..

I had dedicated myself to my love...I had written crazy stuff of how sick in love I was...

Its proven that I was right...the fall from something so great is so painful and seems to be so difficult to even think of letting go....however I've learned some valuable lessons....that my love.. taught me some things... taught me about love..this love... I mean when I was in this relationship I dedicated to greatness... I stopped doing things I normally struggled with...
when my love told me that my cutting had effected the relationship...after nearly a year of doing it I stopped a few months ago with a few mishaps here and there....

When my love said I shouldn't be hanging out with ex-boyfriends/girlfriends...I stopped that too. I mean even writing....
I was a prefectionist at writing...and I loved reading them to my love...

I guess the major thing for me was the cutting... Im sad that I've let something like that go. but after the many scars and wounds on my body...I realized the monster that had enveloped me. the vicious villian the began to destroy me little by little...
I was so comfortable at times....that I even cried in the arms of my love... something I dont do. I'm not an emotional person...but with this relationship it had opened areas in my life that I had never seen before...

I had songs and words of greatness dedicated to my love....


now that it's all gone....Its more difficult for me to be alive...more to difficult to find that thread that will keep mylife all together...however then I started looking at the other good things in my life... my family!!! The greatest people I'll ever have...the people that will be there in the darkest hours of my life, the people that will sings praises with me in greatness...the people that even when they want to hate me only love is there....the ones I argue with but will never leave me alone, the ones that I love showing my love too them....there is nothing more great then having a family..nothing more spectacular then that!

All my time was served with the dedication of being in love..and then I realized that this is not what was important...whats important is my family...nothing is greater then that...and i realized that...and now spend as much time as possible with my family!

well Im trying my best...to move on...

the love is still there....and Im still feeling the loss of this...but Im trying my best.....

its never felt so painfully difficult for me...but Im trying to see the light...that my family is greater then anything in my life.

wounded heart

Its hard to figure out where to begin...

I can't even begin to describe these past few days or even this past two weeks. an agonizing emotional pain in my life that does not seem to disappear. all this time and effort and love never showed to be good enough....

you know what's sad is I even wrote about it..Im going to write what I wrote because i want too..

i wrote it on November 13,2008

So much love that when the sun was shinning I could feel the warmth of my loves arms. So much love that when I could see the moon, I became unafraid, courageous even. So much love that when I looked up at the stars I knew every dream comes true.
I could remember the long pause when in the arms of my love...A pause a moment of great satisfaction, great accomplishment..A smile comes on my face how could there be a love like this.
All the Love that anyone could've eve asked for all wrapped up in one amazing person. Everything that led up to the evening we met so much adrenaline, so much excitement. I never thought how far we would've come.
As the hours turned into days then into months, the Love grew, my life grew..I felt all I had ever wanted right before me and nothing could compare.
My heart would long for my love...Each day I stepped outside I would daydream my love coming up the driveway, I would run and embrace my love. at night I would lie in bed thinking 'oh how I wish my love would call' My heart skipped a beat when all I could do is think of my love...

As darkness starts to set in..The arugments continued...the months would turn into minutes of agony. We stopped talking, stopped seeing eachother...It all changed..and the amazing feeligns began to disappear.. The sun was no longer warmth...Only agonizing memory of the past that would not come again.

I feel like running away because I felt I could not deal with this kind of pain in this kind of place. I bottled all emotion in attempt that maybe this was not true...Maybe this could be fixed.. Then it happened.............

My heart shattered..my previous wounds from the harsh words and break-ups it ripped a hole in my heart. No one dared to say "I told you so" Everyone warned me about this person..that my love was, but I could not help but leap into my love's arms....

The end...the end...it ended...It became undone... All the love...all the work, all the love was not good enough...

Seperated from the one that loves me.
Never felt so blue

Never let go.
(END)


As it's become clear in my life how much of an impact this ex had in my life.. I didn't realize it as much as I realized it now...This ex...this was a love that I had never been...a feeling I never felt, a place...I had never been...
I told my cousin trev that my love...had the ability to hurt me far greater then anyone has ever been able to in my life...I loved my ex that much..I let my ex into my life, into my heart .... places no one was able to go too...
Instead of anything I was ripped to shreds...

i was told so many times...my love was out to hurt me...


Well i was hurt..am hurt...still hurting...

There isn't a day that goes by that I might drive by a place we went, or walk down a street we walked down, or be on a train..or anything...
the memory of my ex haunts me...wounds me more and more that I think of it...

I can't believe how much this has effected me... how much this has hurt me...I avoid telling anyone, or showing anyone bu my heart feels like it's bleeding..I feel like I literally cut out my heart and gave it to my ex...to have my ex torture me with this kind of pain....it hurts alot
I've talked to many of my close friends...telling me that there will always be a scar from this relationship because of the kind of devotion and dedication I committed to my ex.... there will be a painful memory of that forever...I can't believe it and I wish that it wouldn't be this way because i hurts too much.

there's great news in my life...but this is a time in my life that im learning to deal with a great loss in my life....a great love that has now left me... the memories..the everything won't leave me.. no matter what I do...this pain will not go away....the memories..the love..the hugs..the kisses...the everything...every great thing...it lingers in my mind...lingers in my heart... torturing me more and more and sometimes...I just ....

I just want to be ok...I just want this to go away....I just want to be ok... because its just too painful....

I can't sleep. i can't eat..i can't be happy for real like I was before...

I keep telling myself this is for the better...but my heart still longs...still yearns...

Like Sinatra said "She's all I long for, All I worship and adore"....

a love like that.....amazing!

Good Night...

2124

shattered hearts

Im worried if I dont write about this shattered heart of mine I might make some poor decisions and that I do not want to do because I know that this is a streaking row for me to be quitting so many things for as litle time as it seems but how long it is for me.

nearly two weeks ago I went through a very difficult time in my life. I felt I had lost my best friend/ my cousin...less then a few days ago we started talking again an things are slowly looking up for the better of this...
however one problem...

As I have said in previous entries...I was in a relationship that I was sadly committed too. I didn't do anything to jeopordize the relationship. I was there when I was needed, and I was the one that made my love happy. I was always where I needed to be at the right time..
LOTS of people told me that I would be hurt. that my love was out to hurt me...I didn't believe them...

so right they were. I have been in love with my love for seven months. I have done so much and never expected or wanted anything in return for the choices I was making or things I had done. I realize now the choices in the past are the choices that have destroyed me now.
I wish I could explain the shattering of my heart...feeling like its in a thousand different pieces.

I loved my love more then anything. When I needed my love they were there..when I wanted to have fun my love was there... In the darkest hours of my life my love was there. In the happiest moments my love was there...
It all began to slip away..and I started to notice it before it even began but my love denied my words..my accusations...and thoughts... I felt it in my heart...I felt it in my heart.

That glistenning in my loves eyes were gone...that amazing kiss was gone... that soft gentle hand in mine seemed gone....it's unfair to know that this has ended.
I knew it was bound to come though. I mean even though I was in this relationship i also was not in this relationship because I've always been seeking for someone else... longing and yearning for someone else...and that's why my previous relationship before this one had failed.

Life goes on right?

I dont know what I was thinking in getting into this kind of relationship knowing I'd lose it this way and be hurt this way. I mean...really...
I never let myself be in love like this. I never knew this kind of love ever before...and now I have never felt more shattered....

I just wish that I didn't find out the way that I have found out and now Im just like how could I do this? how could I make it through this?

It doesn't matter because no matter what Im going to make it through this...no matter what happens I have to survive this..even though my heart refuses to speak...Im going to get through this...

relationship is gone....and yet there's a numb feeling in me you know? I mean I can feel it in me my heart being broken but it's like Im hiding it..or have become to the pain...Im not sure that's a good thing...I think it'll destroy me if I dont deal with it soon....
maybe it's a disbelief but who knows...we will see how it goes...

I just can't believe the decisions I've made..the choices that have been made..an my heart has never felt this kind of pain..and it couldn't come at a worse time...this is not the time for me.. but I guess having my heart shattered there's never really a set time for something like this...

good night

getting back

It was nearly a week ago that I had written.
I went through a tough week. Missing my family..my love. missing everything in my life. I mean without these key people in my life it seemed I didn't exsist. I was really sad about that and really broken that my life would fall apart this way.

I finally got to talk to my cousin two days ago. I helped him through a time with his girlfriend and we didn't chat about anything because it was not the time and I was just too scared.
You have no idea...I mean I know that I said I'd never talk to him again. but I feel like if I did that then I wouldn't find my way through all of this. I mean with him around I feel like I can talk when I need too, chat and chill and everything...when we are not around or talking..I feel like Im dead to the world...

I've been staying with him and his girlfriend throughout this weekend...chatting little byt little here and there...it's been alright...we've had our moments of chatting...but I know without a doubt that I have missed going to sleep feeling safe. I've missed being able to sleep and enjoy sleeping....

anyhow apart from this situation..

I've been trying to figure out how to tell my love that.....something is different in my life. I dont my love to know through anyone other then me but that's becoming a huge obstacle and Im not sure I'll be doing what I want to do....not sure if I'll be able to do this..I hope I can but I dont know.

Its awesome though. I mean I feel better about living I feell better about being alive....I feel more free...more alive.. I mean Im not weighed down with thoughts of people...Im not weighed down with pressures that I feel were in the past....I mean I wanted to straighten things out sooner..
Im glad to have family and friends that share the same morals as I do....and I dont have to worry about them... I mean I realize how difficult it is for me to stand the way I do..it's hard to decide the decisions I've decided but I know that i can't stop...Im on a role for making it really well in this world...and Im not about to mess that up...

Im sorry Im probably not making any sense. I quit doing things in my life that destroy me. it's not on anyone but me. I didn't let people tell me what I should do...I decided for myself to do this... I decided that this is my time..I dont want other people in my life that make bad choices.. Im making better choices...an I dont want anyone in my life that is a bad influence because Im trying to be a good influence...
so yeah that's the changes that Im standing by now...

anyhow...

things are going better...Im glad for that...and I hope that things only get better from here..

ttyl

not feeling at home

This will probably be the last day I will write until my computer is fixed. even then...what will I write about then?
Do you know that Trevor is my best friend? my favorite family member? he's only ever yelled at me once. but it was all under influence. other then that him and I have always been really close. it makes me wonder why? I mean he has two sisters and everything. but yet he feels at home here with us.
I've never missed anyone more then I miss my cousin. I regret leaving. I mean Im glad that I did because I was going to do drugs. but I wish that I didn't because maybe none of this would've happened.

However Im just not sure.

Im scared of what will happen in the future. Im really sad that I let go of the necklace that he gave me. It makes me want to buy the one at People's and replace it immeditatly and although it won't have as much sentimental value as my old one..it'll still give me my necklace.
I also let go of something else...a ring to be real..
A ring that was engraved and was a gift from my love. I took it off because this entire situation just has me off balance.

Im glad that Im working because it keeps my mind busy. however at the end I am heading home back to this home..this place that I no longer want to be. I want to move away. I want to get my own place somewhere anywhere. I dont even know what I would do. or how I can even do that. But I realize that I dont make enough money at the moment and Im not sure if that'll ever change.

I dont know what to write about.

Im emotional because I miss the people in my life. people like maria, trevor, krissy..everyone that brought me up in life. helped me laugh when I felt like crying. helped me through some difficult times. and now it's all different and they are all gone.

I have to stand on my own two feet. away from all these people and....yet I feel so alone. I have no one around. I can't tell my family that Im feeling this way.
most of the time I just wish I could lie in bed sleeping. crying...something

yet today...

I went out to head to work...the most amazing views. our moutains have snow on them... and I smiled becaues it's amazingly beautiful


I miss my cousin.

Im not sure how long I can last with this whole thing.
im not even sure how long I'll last without a computer. no communication to anyone or anything.

I mean I write everything through my computer, talk to everyone through my computer. so it's like now that its taken away im not sure if I can make it..

sad.
sad.
sad...

I'll be missing my cousin Trevor that's all I know...

Good night

days gone by

Im not sure where to begin.
I just finished doing some dishes. the funny thing is it made me think of my dad. because that's something he often did when he was alive. he was always cleaning and always getting organized.

I recently posted in Facebook...about 120 pictures. all of my cousin and his girlfriend and our time out. we went out last Sunday to honour my father. It was a different experience from previous years, as I would have often shut down. or would've been drinking or something.this occassion we went to a place where my dad made me happy.
I bring this up because of my cousin.

I've never been so close to someone. so honest with someone...besides one man in Ontario. either way Trevor is my cousin. he's always been there for me as I have been there for him. he's helped me through alot. although I wrote some things of decisions he had made. the truth is he helped keep me out of some things on Friday. because on Friday...after seeing the child molester. I wanted to harm myself or something becaues I was so angry. however I stopped cutting, so I stopped carrying my blades. however there was something else. something I would've never considered doing.
That thing was drugs. I had considered taking some drugs that night. and I might of been drunk or buzzed either way. I held those drugs in hand. no one was looking and I could've taken it. even though I might have thought of my father and the promise I made to his grave.
seeing the child molester..really tore me up. and I held them in hand... I didn't take them I gave them to my other cousin. however all night it's what was on my mind. just one hit just one hit won't kill me...

It was very difficult for me to not do drugs. it was really hard for me to sit there adn not do it. I sat there as the drugs made there rounds and continued to come to me but I passed it off. then my cousin made a poor decision. and I told him i wouldn't ever speak to him if he had done them. and he made that decision. it cost me my cousin. he didn't die or anything but I lost respect for him. becaues Trevor is older then me and I often have looked up to him as a brother and cared for him more then anyone. Other's have failed him, and he had never felt like home unless he was with us. but making that decision just broke me in two. and I couldn't believe it. it was then that I said I wanted to do it. thankfully my cousin wouldn't let me but I got mad and left.

Im not sure what to do. but it's like Im thinking more now of the choices i've made in my life. and it's like what am I really doing? I mean this weekend I almost did cocaine. something i said I'd never do. I've always been the family member that has been against drugs. and yet I was that weak that i would've done it. it scares me and makes me think of that...I mean what's going on in my life that's got me that low in my life that I would think of such a thing.

Now Im thinking of making some drastic changes in my life. deciding that this is no longer the life I want to live. instead I'd like to try do a 180 and stop that kind of life. Im not sure if it's posisble. Im not even sure how I would go about doing this but I realize the point for me is that I dont want this kind of life. and I want to do whatever it takes to get out of this stage in my life that almost could've cost me all my morals and values. could've even cost me my life.

Will it work? who knows all's I know is that there's been this thought in my mind for a while and Im ready. Im ready to turn my life around and Im not sure if it'll work but Im willing to try becaues I dont' ever want to think of myself ever turning to a life of drugs.

I feel like a hypocrite. this one person! me...against drugs and I wanted to do them... and not just any it was this one...and I couldn't believe the person i was that night.

I hope to do things better...and hope to start saving up to move out and into my own place. live my own life. and start taking care of the important things in life.

good night

sorrow truth

Recently I wrote about letting go. the desire and need that I had to let go of my love. the desire and need I had to emphasize letting things go.
I never let my love go. I tried but a part of me was always holding onto that...and my love did not let go easily.

Now this is a different kind of letting go for me.

Yesterday I decided to go out with my two cousins. go have a couple drinks an relax. we went to two different bars and the second bar had someone in it that I wanted to scream at. it was the guy that molested my youngest sister. I cannot even describe to you the feelings i had sitting there knowing he was there. I got up and walked up to him and asked him a couple questions and told him some things. my legs were shaking and I felt weak. but yet with that bottle in hand I felt strong. nothing happened I just said some things...like how my family has been having a hard time recovering from this pain.

either way...we decided to leave...
and my one cousin met up with a friend. and then it escalated from there. we went to this friends house...
I didn't want to go. but Trevor said we would go for one drink...and then catch a cab home. it ended up being here for about four hours. and I watched each person besides my cousin and I snort shit up their nose.
For a few moments in my life..ever...
I held this DVD cover with two lines on it...the opportunity had come. to freely do this on my own. I sat there with everything ready and realized i can't do it. I looked at the tattoo on my arm adn realized why would I do this..
trevor seen that and took it away.

a couple hours later...my love came to me...we sat there...chilling. laughing, talking it was wonderful...and my cousin Trevor made a decision that changed my mood changed everything.
He snorted it right in front of me...that gave me some courage to do it myself.... but they wouldn't let me..and I came back and realized what the heck am I doing...and why would i choose to be around people who do this... so i got mad at Trevor took off the necklace he got me. and left. my love came. and we were off in a cab and got home at 6am.
I was crying and crying and crying....mainly because of how difficult it is for me to watch this one man...this man...seriously he has the biggest influence on my life. I love him alot. I've defended him, helped him. cared for him. and then to see him make a decisiion like that really hurt me and I decided that this would be the end of me talking to those kinds of people in my family.

I went to sleep...in the arms of my greatest love. a part of me did not want to go to sleep because I didn't want to miss those moments...of being back where I had longed to be for so long. it was an amazing way to go to sleep.

however I woke up...and could not forget what had happened earlier this morning. and I've just sat aruond...being lazy. being emotional..
the funniest part of it is that IM not going to hear the end of this because I called my counselor and now I will know what's on the topic for this week...

emotional wise...

I can't describe how difficult it is for me to not have my necklace on. the first time I lost it I actually left it at home. and I decided from then on I would never take it off again. but then this happened...and Im not sure if he remembers what happened. or anything like that. if he knows how I feel about all this...but it doesn't matter anyhow.

hope that I figure this out soon...I bet I know waht someone's thinking. I should talk to him... I want to wait a bit...maybe till tomorrow because it'll make me feel better with some more thuoght to this...

good night