With a heavy heart I write these words as the deepest of words I could ever write... This is one of those times that people that love me would say the words that have been lingering within them "I told you so" these words would be of no comfort to me....
I have fought for a week about my situation to try get there and try my best to fight to stay alive, fought to get things together for myself and find a way through this moment that I am struggling with now.... I have allowed myself to be consumed literally consumed in something that has become destructive to me....
With a shaking hand, and a quivering lip I write these words as tears roll down my eyes... How could I put myself in this situation? Is this really happening to me??? Of all people this is me!
Jessie the same Jessie who has fought for over a year now to stay alive, to fight for my heart's desire... The same Jessie that finished College, the same Jessie that has been here... fully hearted Jessie here now writing these words.
I have believed in life... I have believed in it enough that suicide is no longer an option, that I will fight until the death and even then my heart still be beating after all of is over because I will never lose faith in the ability of others to make it through all they are trying... It has been my desire as I walked the Downtown Eastside today I seen myself...All in blue walking those streets giving a nod to each person I walked by, an one day stopping and saying hi my name is Jessie I work for..... oh ya you know... I understand your situation and I'm here to tell you that I believe in you.. I believe in your ability to make it through every difficult circumstance you are currently facing...
To be someone great... to be the leader that's within me to be... Well it means to recognize the mistakes I've made, the choices and decisions that have nearly caused and felt the death of my heart... And yet you know what I have never lost my heart I just get lost in all that surrounds me an for the first time while I am sitting here seeing so clearly the situation that is before me... And I know now for real that I am getting consumed by destruction....
A destructive path I have never felt before, a place I have never been an a place that I cannot even describe to be truth...
I see it clearly and I see what I have done and I see that the world as it should not be and I need to get out of all of this... I need to find my way through this just as I have for so long...
You know....
Today it took someone that has known me for about a year while it took her words to say to me.. I have been through worse this might feel trapped, might feel like I have put myself in between a rock and a hard place...reality is that it might feel that way but I've been through hell an back. I have survived some of the most painful memories of suicide attempts, I have been destructive on my own, and I have fought...This year to get through school and i did successfully and finally after all this fighting this time around I am able to say fully I am going in the path that has been meant for me and I'm going to get there....
Unfortunately I am being wounded... For one of the first times I'm feeling as I wish I hadn't... I'm scared and I have never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know if I am fully capable of getting through this but I hope/wish and desire for something to work out... Find a way... find the will to be all that I've been meant to be..... I need help... I need some serious support and I need to get through this even if it's the last thing I do... It won't be the last thing I do though it will just hurt, and it will be difficult and I'm scared of getting through it but I'm more afraid for my life of staying in this difficult darkness...
I want to thank all those who have helped me, who have heard my situation and told me this is it Jessie... This is where I choose very clearly what it is meant to be alive, what it's meant to know my heart and move forward... to walk the path that's been laid out for me...
I will get there... I will still remain and I will find a way because guess what that is what Jessie does is gets through all these events in my life...
Until than I am here... broken, shattered but surviving because I am an feel like Superman always conquering of the evil that's within the situations here..
Laterz <3
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
difficulties with death
I will start off sharing a little about my cousin Kaleb as it is one week ago he passed away... He was in a car accident a week ago and it is the most difficult thing I felt I've dealt with his passing away. He was only 21yrs old....I have spent numerous amounts of my time in Mission sharing in the mourning of the passing away of a family member. Although I don't remember Kaleb that much I do remember some times that we spent together when I used to visit them as a kid... We would play on the computer back then the computer was still just the little tiny thing and the stick you used to play games... I was at the place they all grew up in an as I stood there a warm feeling enveloped me because I knew that even though I don't remember specific times I know it was fun times and that's probably why I can't remember. Kaleb will be deeply missed RIP cousin..
So for the past week I have felt like a multitude of eruptions of being overwhelmed by living situations but not fully aware of them because I don't feel fully capable of dealing with all my family stuff, and still trying to get a job, and keeping my roof over my head. It has been a difficult task or toll on my life just to try move on with my life and still trying to cope with the death of someone so young, and someone who was my family member... I have without a doubt been by my families side helping arrange things, and helping be a support to my auntie...
I have come back to Vancouver and honestly life doesn't seem the same at all... and the only desire I have is to fall apart, to let myself drink, let myself get hurt in some way just to try get away from all that I am currently facing... Thankfully it's not a year ago and I am not the same person I once was... I have changed and I am different, I have become more aware of myself and my own limitations. So here I am on a Friday night trying my best to be productive and apply for jobs, and allow myself to feel any an all emotions that must be present at this time...
I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have never felt so supported and so just feeling like this is something rather than nothing. I have enjoyed having someone in my life who is there for me, who acknowledges me and my own limitations... I have rarely allowed myself to be as known as I am now but I also am aware that this person doesn't seem to be in my life as destructive relationship all over, but something that may be more than anything.. I have really appreciated the support of my partner, and I have also been a support to my family members.. Today is the first time I have taken time for myself and it's half ass time because its evening but I'm able to be here for me and try my best to carry on as best as I can.
I finished school and although it's a great thing to accomplish something I also feel very lost because I miss school and i miss being part of that family, and being a part of one of the best schools in BC. The Justice Institute of BC was a real transformation and it is true what a friend of mine said about being in the presence of Police Officers they were in training but even their presence just brought on some fear that I had done something wrong. I look forward to one day changing that view and holding my values, beliefs, and traditions so closely that I never lose my heart on the job and I always acknowledge who I am and where I'm from...
Being out of school even though it's only for six months while it feels like a lifetime and I think it's only been about a month... I really want to go back and although I won't be going back to JIBC right away, I will look forward to my return there... I know that if they had what I needed with the degree I would've been there...Unfornately the path has led me elsewhere and I will be looking forward to attending (fingers crossed) Simon Fraser University as it has degrees and it's also the school my uncle Henry attended which is one reason, but the other is that their degree program seems promising.
Apart from school, apart from relationships, and apart from dealing with death....
I find that I am able to be here fully... Not fully present, and not fully taking care of myself but so sure that I am going to make it no matter what happens I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, and I am more aware of my weaknesses, my old habits and I'm able to make changes and be all that I can be just to be present, and live my life to the fullest extent. It seems so strange as I write all these words... To be someone who is moving forward in my life regardless of my state of just external life issues I am able to feel grounded and feel like I'm going to get through this....
While I don't know... It's been a difficult day as I have spent it alone,and it's Friday night and all my friends are out drinking and just making those choices and decisions that grows within me to desire it...and yet even in that weakness I am going to head to my moms for a very short visit before heading home and relaxing and enjoying my peace of mind that I have made the right and productive decision that drinking is not my decision, and not my life anymore...especially if it's only to taste the bitter taste of escaping from my life...
If only I knew more people who didn't drink, if only I knew that I could enjoy my life with others... than I would be out right now but unfortunately this is not the case for me at this time in my life but one day it will be...
Until than I am here and I am alive and I am aware of all I need to feel
Thanks for listening
Laterz
So for the past week I have felt like a multitude of eruptions of being overwhelmed by living situations but not fully aware of them because I don't feel fully capable of dealing with all my family stuff, and still trying to get a job, and keeping my roof over my head. It has been a difficult task or toll on my life just to try move on with my life and still trying to cope with the death of someone so young, and someone who was my family member... I have without a doubt been by my families side helping arrange things, and helping be a support to my auntie...
I have come back to Vancouver and honestly life doesn't seem the same at all... and the only desire I have is to fall apart, to let myself drink, let myself get hurt in some way just to try get away from all that I am currently facing... Thankfully it's not a year ago and I am not the same person I once was... I have changed and I am different, I have become more aware of myself and my own limitations. So here I am on a Friday night trying my best to be productive and apply for jobs, and allow myself to feel any an all emotions that must be present at this time...
I have been in a relationship for just over a month and I have never felt so supported and so just feeling like this is something rather than nothing. I have enjoyed having someone in my life who is there for me, who acknowledges me and my own limitations... I have rarely allowed myself to be as known as I am now but I also am aware that this person doesn't seem to be in my life as destructive relationship all over, but something that may be more than anything.. I have really appreciated the support of my partner, and I have also been a support to my family members.. Today is the first time I have taken time for myself and it's half ass time because its evening but I'm able to be here for me and try my best to carry on as best as I can.
I finished school and although it's a great thing to accomplish something I also feel very lost because I miss school and i miss being part of that family, and being a part of one of the best schools in BC. The Justice Institute of BC was a real transformation and it is true what a friend of mine said about being in the presence of Police Officers they were in training but even their presence just brought on some fear that I had done something wrong. I look forward to one day changing that view and holding my values, beliefs, and traditions so closely that I never lose my heart on the job and I always acknowledge who I am and where I'm from...
Being out of school even though it's only for six months while it feels like a lifetime and I think it's only been about a month... I really want to go back and although I won't be going back to JIBC right away, I will look forward to my return there... I know that if they had what I needed with the degree I would've been there...Unfornately the path has led me elsewhere and I will be looking forward to attending (fingers crossed) Simon Fraser University as it has degrees and it's also the school my uncle Henry attended which is one reason, but the other is that their degree program seems promising.
Apart from school, apart from relationships, and apart from dealing with death....
I find that I am able to be here fully... Not fully present, and not fully taking care of myself but so sure that I am going to make it no matter what happens I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, and I am more aware of my weaknesses, my old habits and I'm able to make changes and be all that I can be just to be present, and live my life to the fullest extent. It seems so strange as I write all these words... To be someone who is moving forward in my life regardless of my state of just external life issues I am able to feel grounded and feel like I'm going to get through this....
While I don't know... It's been a difficult day as I have spent it alone,and it's Friday night and all my friends are out drinking and just making those choices and decisions that grows within me to desire it...and yet even in that weakness I am going to head to my moms for a very short visit before heading home and relaxing and enjoying my peace of mind that I have made the right and productive decision that drinking is not my decision, and not my life anymore...especially if it's only to taste the bitter taste of escaping from my life...
If only I knew more people who didn't drink, if only I knew that I could enjoy my life with others... than I would be out right now but unfortunately this is not the case for me at this time in my life but one day it will be...
Until than I am here and I am alive and I am aware of all I need to feel
Thanks for listening
Laterz
Friday, July 9, 2010
Procrastination
I can hardly describe the circumstances since I finished school it seems to have been a blur of things I was doing and not doing. As of this past Monday I have been completely distracted by some new youth here in Canada came to us from Greenland/Alaska they are so awesome and I really enjoy being around them and appreciate all the time I was able to spend with them.
I have been in a relationship for a month now... I must say it's all new and has taken some getting used to be able to share my life,my goals, and my future with... Lastnight my partner met my lady and I'm not sure of the expeience for either of them...
I am looking into Security Guard Training to help benefit my career choice and can only hope for the very best results on that one... I have been struggling to stay focused, it's been such great weather that I hardly realized how fast time had flew by... I am happy to say that even though I was very distracted in two days I was able to get all the paper work done and can only hope that it works out... I think it would be great on my resume and great for the big guns to see how much effort I've made to get where I am going.
The weather in Vancouver has been absolutely amazing, extraordinary and a little overwhelming but I've been pretty productive... Today was honestly the first day I rested, and I was able to get all my work done and I was able to be productive and just be right... Tomorrow will be another experience because I will be at the Pow-Wow in Squamish not normal for me but another job opportunity, something that will make my resume look good.. All this volunteer work, all the youth experience, and just being available to my friends...well it will pay off and I will get there!!
It's been confirmed as well... As of the 16 of July for the first time in a long time I am going to travel with my lady... we are going to head to Fort St.James and even as I say it my heart skips a beat... For the first time in years I have a strong desire to go to my father's grave site and hope to only have good energy and share stories of how great he was, and just honor him in that time... He was amazing, extraordinary... and when I think of how far I've come in a year... I know he is looking down on me being proud of the woman I am becoming!
I'm planning on finding the money, and time to go and create a new grave thing it's not stone it's just wood well I want to make a new one and bring it to his site and just honor him.. A few weeks ago I seen a picture of my father's grave and it was ok sad moment, but i realized his wood thing that has his name and birth/death its falling apart so it's my desire to head up there to bring him a new one... I'm undecided if I want to see my dad's family but as time continues on I will see how it goes...and I know my heart/soul will make the right decision from there...
For one of the first of many times in my life...I am looking back at this year of my life... How far I've come... how clear minded I am...and how much I am determined that no matter what happens I will survive,and I will get there... I think that's what I like about hanging out with these youth is that they keep that side of me inspired... they have no idea how fantastic they are and how much it means to me to be a part of their lives...
Unfortunately the downfall is that I won't be going on Tribal Journey's this year.. With all this creation of secuity guard training, and taking care of myself... well I just have too much to do and no time to get away... I hope that once I'm certain my rent is paid, and that I am secure for the training while Tribal Journeys will be the first place I attend.
I miss it.. Even being around the youth as they go out in the Canoe my heart skips a beat and I realize how much I miss it... I hope that it works out but if not I realize now how much Tribal Journey's means to me and I have to plan for it next year...
Well I just wanted to touch base it's been a long time since I wrote in my journal and even as I write I am so surprised to hear myself say everything is going good, and I am moving forward in my life... I am accomplishing everything in my life and I am mving forward... I am proud of myself...
Thanks for listenning :)
I have been in a relationship for a month now... I must say it's all new and has taken some getting used to be able to share my life,my goals, and my future with... Lastnight my partner met my lady and I'm not sure of the expeience for either of them...
I am looking into Security Guard Training to help benefit my career choice and can only hope for the very best results on that one... I have been struggling to stay focused, it's been such great weather that I hardly realized how fast time had flew by... I am happy to say that even though I was very distracted in two days I was able to get all the paper work done and can only hope that it works out... I think it would be great on my resume and great for the big guns to see how much effort I've made to get where I am going.
The weather in Vancouver has been absolutely amazing, extraordinary and a little overwhelming but I've been pretty productive... Today was honestly the first day I rested, and I was able to get all my work done and I was able to be productive and just be right... Tomorrow will be another experience because I will be at the Pow-Wow in Squamish not normal for me but another job opportunity, something that will make my resume look good.. All this volunteer work, all the youth experience, and just being available to my friends...well it will pay off and I will get there!!
It's been confirmed as well... As of the 16 of July for the first time in a long time I am going to travel with my lady... we are going to head to Fort St.James and even as I say it my heart skips a beat... For the first time in years I have a strong desire to go to my father's grave site and hope to only have good energy and share stories of how great he was, and just honor him in that time... He was amazing, extraordinary... and when I think of how far I've come in a year... I know he is looking down on me being proud of the woman I am becoming!
I'm planning on finding the money, and time to go and create a new grave thing it's not stone it's just wood well I want to make a new one and bring it to his site and just honor him.. A few weeks ago I seen a picture of my father's grave and it was ok sad moment, but i realized his wood thing that has his name and birth/death its falling apart so it's my desire to head up there to bring him a new one... I'm undecided if I want to see my dad's family but as time continues on I will see how it goes...and I know my heart/soul will make the right decision from there...
For one of the first of many times in my life...I am looking back at this year of my life... How far I've come... how clear minded I am...and how much I am determined that no matter what happens I will survive,and I will get there... I think that's what I like about hanging out with these youth is that they keep that side of me inspired... they have no idea how fantastic they are and how much it means to me to be a part of their lives...
Unfortunately the downfall is that I won't be going on Tribal Journey's this year.. With all this creation of secuity guard training, and taking care of myself... well I just have too much to do and no time to get away... I hope that once I'm certain my rent is paid, and that I am secure for the training while Tribal Journeys will be the first place I attend.
I miss it.. Even being around the youth as they go out in the Canoe my heart skips a beat and I realize how much I miss it... I hope that it works out but if not I realize now how much Tribal Journey's means to me and I have to plan for it next year...
Well I just wanted to touch base it's been a long time since I wrote in my journal and even as I write I am so surprised to hear myself say everything is going good, and I am moving forward in my life... I am accomplishing everything in my life and I am mving forward... I am proud of myself...
Thanks for listenning :)
Sunday, June 27, 2010
MILESTONE
FINISHED SCHOOL! TODAY I'M DONE SCHOOL! NEEDED TO SHARE IT!
A whole year a whole year is now over!!
Thanks everyone for their support without my supports I might not have been able to make it here!!
Lots of love to my lady your the best and you helped me so much!!
CELEBRATE BABY! CELEBRATE!
A whole year a whole year is now over!!
Thanks everyone for their support without my supports I might not have been able to make it here!!
Lots of love to my lady your the best and you helped me so much!!
CELEBRATE BABY! CELEBRATE!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
respect
So.. This is on my mind and seeing as I haven't found anyone I could talk to understand what I'm going to say I might as well say it here. One experience one thing I have always had since moving to Vancouver and its been something that I don't try work hard toward, or anything.. I have always been given respect not because of my status, or the people I know...But because it's just who I am... I never disrespect anyone unless I have been given that kind of hate... While this is something I experienced for the first time today and I know exactly why it's there... So I will have to once again decide what's more important to me? This is where the life of this person of me stays where I am or where I'm going.
The events of now really affected me and I don't see point in that you know? You know what it's like? it's as if I been spit in the fuckin face. As if I did anything wrong and to be given that kind of disrespect while what the hell is this all about?
The events of yesterday yes pretty messed up, childish, stupid and just not part of the life I want to live... the response to my feelings while it was pretty shitty and the outcome...while the outcome was that whatever it was...and because of that the ripple effected of us has now come through to the people... the people will decide whether we stay, we move, we mark, or anything and right now... that had really effected me... no matter the state of mind, no matter the circumstances in life.. if there is an opportunity to been given respect, no it's not even about giving it...it's always been there and because of this one incident it's all over and I'm sitting here thinking... is this really worth it? if this is the effects of what's happened over a little argument.. imagine what will happen when and if things fall through?
No one could see.... what I see... I can't even write about it because it's just useless information and I'm really angry.. You have no idea how much that was not deserved and how much It's been hard enough for me to be where I am, and who I am.. and it's like what's the point? Whats the point now?
It is what it is... this might be a good thing.. a way out of all that I feel... or a way out of all that I am and all this garbage of the person I used to be... and the person I'm meant to be! so will see how it goes...but I needed to write that it made me feel belittled, alone and totally disrespected that was not except able to be and I am trying to work through it..
The events of now really affected me and I don't see point in that you know? You know what it's like? it's as if I been spit in the fuckin face. As if I did anything wrong and to be given that kind of disrespect while what the hell is this all about?
The events of yesterday yes pretty messed up, childish, stupid and just not part of the life I want to live... the response to my feelings while it was pretty shitty and the outcome...while the outcome was that whatever it was...and because of that the ripple effected of us has now come through to the people... the people will decide whether we stay, we move, we mark, or anything and right now... that had really effected me... no matter the state of mind, no matter the circumstances in life.. if there is an opportunity to been given respect, no it's not even about giving it...it's always been there and because of this one incident it's all over and I'm sitting here thinking... is this really worth it? if this is the effects of what's happened over a little argument.. imagine what will happen when and if things fall through?
No one could see.... what I see... I can't even write about it because it's just useless information and I'm really angry.. You have no idea how much that was not deserved and how much It's been hard enough for me to be where I am, and who I am.. and it's like what's the point? Whats the point now?
It is what it is... this might be a good thing.. a way out of all that I feel... or a way out of all that I am and all this garbage of the person I used to be... and the person I'm meant to be! so will see how it goes...but I needed to write that it made me feel belittled, alone and totally disrespected that was not except able to be and I am trying to work through it..
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
intervention
The last time I wrote I said that I was scared or that I was supposed to do things slowly..
What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...
I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...
I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!
So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)
So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..
I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?
These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!
Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!
It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!
Everything else is temporary...
But seriously...is there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...
Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!
It is what it is!! <3
What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...
I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...
I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!
So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)
So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..
I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?
These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!
Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!
It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!
Everything else is temporary...
But seriously...is there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...
Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!
It is what it is!! <3
Friday, June 11, 2010
Charmer
Write truth... be honest about myself and my situation... So here it goes... I won't reveal as much as I might need too but I need something to help me get out of this mindset and start getting back into my goal setting of the things I have meant for me in the near future...
Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...
I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!
I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go
I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!
I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...
So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..
I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!
I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!
Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...
I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!
I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go
I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!
I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...
So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..
I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!
I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!
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