leads to nowhere

I'm not giving in... I worry about writing these words as I scan the situations I have found myself in.. the mentality that I currently have about screwing up my life... cutting,drinking whatever the case might be...sadly enough i had even mentioned drugs because I personally know if that day ever came I would not recover from that sort of regret. The reality of it lies within my words, my choices and decisions as a person, sister, human being and sometimes a friend.
I dont know where my life is bound to take me in whatever sense that it might want to come forth or come by...even as i write these words I wonder about school, about my living situations. I have many thoughts of craziness and pain...but underneath it all..there is in the small dark crevices is me...the person the fighter that so many people are looking for...

I'm often unaware of my ability to survive....to survive every horrible tragedy I felt I've faced or may face in the future.. There is a deep longly in me hoping I'd fall short, that I'll fail or something but reality is it's not gonna happen for me...part of that proof to me is the perfect marks I got in school... Even in all the darkness in all the pain I had been facing I learned things and wrote those assignments with tears in my eyes and yet the response was more great than I had expected..
Just the other day... I was talking to my lady about what it feels like for me to have people tell me they are supporting me, they are there for me...and how they had failed me in what felt like some of my most vulnerable states... the analogy I used for that.. was trying to get a crippled person to walk... with support it might be possible there might be hope for that person, but as soon as that support falls apart or walks away, cancels appts, or anything that is when the person falls right back to the ground....and each time I am forced to get back up I wonder when will the next time be? when will the next time someone not be there for me? I talk so often about the fear of being alone... its one major reason i can't end my life...its why I got of the ledge, it's why i did what I did... i cant stand the idea...

I had an appt the other day...and I was told the reason I push my lady or try to push her outta my life is because I want to prove my point that at some point everyone has enough...and that I am not worthy of that kind of love, friendship or life.... it kinda made sense.. but my point of view honestly... in all the blogs i wrote, in all the journal entries I've written....there is a pattern of brokenness and i know there is only an extent that people can comprhend...I am a lot.. i do a lot of not so great things to myself and a lot of the time I'm not exactly sure why...
Could it be the following: I'm a mistake, I'm worthless, I was never loved, i was belittled, I am weaker than everyone believes, I am unworthy of the life at hand... I was abused, I am an angry hurt person... I haven't cried in a long time and when I do...I have to do something stupid like cutting just to know it's ok...
the pattern of my life is destruction...I've played with fire all my life... been burned and been hurt, been lost in the flames...and whenever people try to come alongside me an help me it doesn't last it can't last...this flame, this fire of me is mine alone....I'm not ready to give it up because for me I see this as protection, and fear.. I am afraid of what my life will look like outside of this fire.... I wrote it in my journal..
we talk about healing, talk about the future as if it will come to pass for me...but I wrote in my journal that everyone is telling me the grass is greener on the otherside of this brokenness that I can get through this and that I'll be happier...however when I look at it I don't see that...I imagine that I'll become a soft person who lets destruction envelope my family, to have to cry, talk about feelings and what not...not my taste of life... I was taught to never trust no I was shown that trust is broken and there is an ultimate price to it... not worth it... I was told that everything I am..is wrong..everything I learned everything I know is wrong..my life was not meant to be.....

people talk about this great person that I am..this great person that I may become one day... who in the world would want someone like me to survive...why...why is it so important...I look at my scars and see the pain...I dont see testimony I see destruction...I am not healed and it seems everytime I strive for that healing....I start to take one step and than support is gone and than I give up for a bit....and than try again knowing it'll happen again...I'm told this is part of healing.. is this really part of healing??? people asking me what they could do to help me...when reality is I dont know...I think just not leaving me alone, telling me their there when or if I needed them.. just something....its when i feel the all alone mentatlity that I find myself going into destruction and the worst part is that once that starts to happen....than things in my life start to come together to be sure I stay in that darkness..
such as family issues, childhood pain, life in general... things that feel more destructive...when I feel alone and I get more destructive.

I mean of all things that holidays are here...I didn't buy anything for anyone...I couldn't afford too but the same thing is I also dont want to base the love i have for my family on some gift that i know in a few months wont matter... the fun for me in this time is just to spend time with eachother, to have a good laugh, enjoy life event for a second...this is why I like where I'm at being at my moms...to be here with them...to laugh, to be a part of this family...
the holidays have changed tremendously... it hurts to see how much its changed...I mean I remember my father one or his only Christmas clean and sober and the only thing he wanted one thing he wanted, the only wish he had on his wish list was to hold my brother jeffrey in his arms for the first time, to spend time with us...that's all he wanted..nothing to do with clothes, gadgets, expansive things...all's he wanted was to be a part of this family...what happened to our world that there isn't much of that happening anymore?

alright...I'm talking too much again...but I'm just.... trying to find myself..find that person everyone is fighting for....so that I can fight for her too...because it is ultimately true that I am tired of where I am currently in my life...I'm tired of the pattern of destruction happening in my life right now....I need change, I desire it but I also fear it tremendously....but I look at someone like my lady...and I'm in awe of how great she is, how beautiful, how precious, and how rare she is... to have as a friend to have in my life...to see her...is to see the endless possibilities of greatness that may await me in the future.... no matter what I have to fight myself in trying to get her outta my life...But I really want to stop hurting her, stop doing everything I do that causes her to worry, that causes her to feel pain or concern because I did something... I just.. I really cherish her tremendously and I just dont know how to stop being what I am and start being what I need to be...to enjoy life with her! to enjoy life just for myself...

laterz

the past

An interesting few days I take it...I have been hiding away for ages and tomorrow be the first time I'm getting out for a bit... of course I'm not very certain of what I will be doing but hope for good results regardless of whatever it is that I decide to do.
I must say I've found myself in an unfamiliar space of my life... worried about the future and all that awaits there... I must say for starters so far my assignments are awesome and I've finished them and been recieving the marks and I'm suprised... I know where I was when I wrote those assignments.. my heart was darknened with the reality that I felt I would never change from the beast of me..
Yet even in the darkness I was able to bring out the reality, the situation, being in the present without freaking losing my mind...and even though i feel like i'm losing my mind and everything is really unfamliar to me... I mean reality is that I just feel like I'm not going to make it... You know if there were a bet going on about when I'd live or die.. I'd really bet I wouldn't survive... I'm struggling so much..and the one thing that roles through my head is my lady... her words of needing something good in my life inspite of everything..

I hadn't realized how much I had dealt with in the last few months... and even the last few days.. I feel my body telling me to smarten up and take care of myself... I feel my mind telling me lies of the beast...and I feel my heart telling me all the goodness I have and all the love unconditional love I have...and than words come out and all that comes fourth is the beast of me...as my lady has said it the "I don't care" mentality.. a desire to not care when according to some supports in my life it means I really do... but reality for me is that it's a system I have in place for me to protect myself and others...or even from others...
I realized how much I had been let down... and although there were days my heart was weak and I did cry for help... reality is that's not gonna happen for me..it's not written in the stars for me to get the help I need, I have to take it! I have to fight for it! Oh my goodness!!! What a suprise huh? Having to fight to live yet again...not fighting anyone physically believe you me that ever happen I wouldn't worry about nothing... but to fight the own demons I have raging within myself... Each day I start to lose it...

I can stare at a sky and just be blank, look into the eyes of my lady and be so cold... I'd say something ridiculous... I am not the person she had hoped I'd become... I'm not the person I'd hoped to be while living here in Vancouver... everything has been so mistaken, so much regret, so much pain, so much being alone! so much terror in my soul that everyday I wake up I wonder if I can even survive today! and if something anything, one thing, this or that goes wrong than I'm going to explode and I'm going to ruin every good thing about me, I'm going to get what I feel I deserve as a failure, as a worthless piece of nothing..
I know i know... not the words a leader or role model should be saying...not the words any human person should be saying... but if really..honestly if you knew what went on in my head you'd probably pull the trigger because I'm so outta here...so not where i thought I was going to be..

Through all the deaths...all them deaths I have really been struck by lightning and really have lost all the goodness in my soul... the anniversary date came and went and I couldn't help it.. but wonder you know... what if... should have... damn it! whats wrong with me... someone once said something to me about being afraid to live... not knowing what that might look like...since I went through or am going through this crazy phase of wanting to die...to now I wanna live and because I don't know what that looks like, what it feels like, I just want to pretend I didn't say that.. or maybe I am punishing myself for all my short-comings as a person, a friends, a sister, a daughter, whatever the case..there is a sense of worthlessness in my soul that cannot be explained...
I have tried many and many times to forget about my birthday...why remember a day that was not celebrated? by any living person today? why? no matter how much I try forget the reality is I can't forget.. and even than as this birthday comes I'm thinking what have I done? what have I done with my life? what am I doing?
I believe strongly that others deserve someone better than me! reality is... on the outside I am what I am...on the inside..it's deep beautiful and faith grows...but reality is.... look at my arms, look at these wounds, look at this heart of mine... how could this brokeness be repaired? especially if I've made my life out of my broken heart...out of fear..

I'm rambling... I'm just stuck with thoughts and need a breather.. I need to get away.. I want to fly away ;)
whether life or death is coming... for now..for this moment... it doesn't make a difference to me either way because I don't feel much alive enough as is..

laterz

hold on

Where to start in describing this journey or whatever that I seem to have found myself in? the cycle begins yet again to look at myself... my choices and options.. what a shitty situation it is for me to be staying in Vancouver when I know I need to leave... I made some choices that jeopordized that opportunity.. I'm not sure when and if I will recover from that..
I have complained many many times about supports, about family, about being treated with such disregard... my life does not matter, I don't matter.. everything I've fought for, everything I felt I lived for no longer matters.
Yesterday I jay walked... something I don't do an the reaction to that was simply unreal.. and yet in my head.. I felt like saying I'm not the same person any more.. I have gone from thinking of the future and it's existance everything I had hoped to be, all the school, living here.. and just tossed it out the window.... I tried to toss the gift my lady gave to me... to my suprise she would not budge... she would not take it back and she won't let me self-destruct..

I honsetly looked at myself... the last few days... few hours... and realized what a horrible person I am... unable to act my age, to share these feelings with anyone, not talking, not living, not breathing... looking into the sky wondering why... why am I here? why did I do this to myself? and what in the world.. how could people ask me to hold on!..
The last round of my life of fighting to live, fighting for my supports to stand by me... and than have them leave me this way... and than they wonder how or why I end up in the hospital.. feeling alone is not the feeling that I enjoy... well over a month now... and it's progressing to the point that now everything is my fault... everything... from the paper cut, to the yelling and screaming, to the agonizing inner pain that I feel inside of me... all my fault...
To have someone.. to have people....believe in me this much... to have them hold onto my life to worry, to love without limits, to not let me go.........what is expected of me to say is that its great... but honestly it's not great... it hurts... it hurts me to have them with me in this time, and to know where I am...
My lady sent me a message about fighting,or change... and the moment I read it.. the only word that came into my mind FEAR! this phrase is written in my father's journal it has two meanings and I have to choose what kind of FEAR that I choose to have these days... I can either stay here stay where I am right now, or fight for these people to help me right now...

I feel like a monster... I feel like there's this huge krpytonite in me that keeps people far away so sick at the sight of me, so afraid to get close to me...get too close well my darkness kills the goodness in their lives...because no matter what I do... I can't get through this, I can't destroy this part of my life that causes the destruction of my soul..
I am missing something... and I'm missing it real bad right now....

I'm not scared...I'm not angry...I'm not happy... I am what I am through these days of complete survival at a time like this... can't ask me to say words that have no meaning to me... can't ask me to be there when I know this is not truly me...
I'm not sure if or how I will make it to the new year...how I'll make it to Christmas... I just hope that hope would find it's way into my darkness so that I don't feel as utterly alone as I feel these days..

how could this happen? how did it come to this? and what's the point? what's the point!

dear agony

A song I have come to admire and love is called "I will not bow" by Breaking Benjamin the album is called "dear Agony."
I have failed.. I am failing and I am giving up without a second thought. I have just looked and seen that I have enough to go away for seven days to Prince George the worst place I could ever think of and the worst time for me to go. But I give up...
As I sit here in near tears of all the agonizing pain that I've had to deal with since moving back to Vancouver, all the pain, all the heartache and all the facades of who I am... Unable to travel a short distance to visit friends, unable to be away from all the pain that I've had to deal with.. bottled up inside me are the vicious remarks of family, of friends, and of all who believe strongly that I will fail and have failed. All the suicide attempts all the stuff that's going on in my head, unable to find truth from lies... everything has become too much.. Going to Prince George may be a mistake but I need some peace of mind before I ruin my life, before I pick up some coke, before I decide to destroy my life I need to be reminded... I need to breath. I need to get the heck out of Vancouver and so far the only place in mind is Prince George, I can only pray that I will find family that they would take me in, and that someone will give me the joy in visiting my father's grave...

After today's events I'm not sure I can even write my paper... Last night I decided that I am done... I'm giving into all the stuff going on in my head, all the stuff burdened in my heart. The cancellations, the pain of my family, the heartache in feeling this alone and isolated... the reminder of these things has become too much and I am leaving.. I will be making the arrangements now that I've seen how little it will cost me to get away for a time... how easy it will be for me to run... and how terrified I am about going to Prince George because my father's family, but how I hope and wish, and pray they will not shut their door on me very literally because I'm in desperate need...

Last night was when I decided that I had enough. enough on the canceling of appointments, enough on my family situations, and enough of being treated this way... People tell me to stand my ground to fight, why the heck should I fight when I feel like this? I am on the verge of giving up and if I don't act soon well than that would sadly be the end of me... I am not running from my problems I hope that I'm far from that because I know what I'll be coming back too.. However I'm at the point that I need to breath, I need to be able to appreciate the person I am, and all that I've worked for I need to know it was not all for nothing. I need to rest assure that I am making progress in my life, and I need to stop doing everything I'm doing... trying so hard to stay afloat trying so desperately to stay alive with no courage, no fighting power of strength, no desire for something that no longer exists in my life.

I have been treated with such disregard of everything I've done. I keep telling people just do it already you know? Just get it over with. stop doing this to me... stop forcing me to live, forcing me to find a moment of breath and stop just stop. because it's not working and I'm heading into utter and complete destruction if I don't leave. after today's events after all the pain I've dealt with today...
I leave hopefully next week hopefully if all goes to plan. I am more so catching the bus because I realize that if I decide to turn back that's the only way that I can... I will only hope for better future, better days... I am deeply sad that I will have to send my cat away and hope that she can forgive me for this but if I don't leave there will be nothing for her to stay with me.

After today... If I don't go now.. I'll literally give up on myself.. all these canceled appointments all the pain that I am facing now, all the heartache I have been under, and the lack of input from those who matter the most. I am done.. If I don't go now I will give up on them, and in return give up on myself... if that makes any sense..

done and done.

Where to begin with my life? I have seen in great detail how I could benefit from this course in dealing with my family, dealing with my relationships...However I struggle tremendously with the idea of choosing to apply this course into my life, I think it would diminish my role in my family, my role in my relationships... In the end would cause a vulnerability that I am not prepared for..
I have had the chance for a week or eight days to look at this course, soak in all the knowledge that I could, write, and did role plays to learn how to apply it into my life... I don't think anytime soon will I be able to use this course in my life hopefully later on in my life.

Away from class and all that fun stuff.. I was hoping to run away to be real honest... I'm not sure I'll be leaving to go anywhere... I want to and wish that I had more people who were people I could turn too in times such as now. I am struggling a lot again and this time it's about how messed up I feel that I am, of all the accomplishments I've ever had I have been unable to get in a place of feeling like my life is worth living. I'm not saying that in the sense that I want to end it.. hold on... lol My life isn't about trying to die or commit suicide or anything I'm trying and hoping that those situations are over with in my life... However when I look at this program that I'm in the idea of College and before I knew where it was going, I had one goal in mind and thought this program would get me there.. As I've struggled the last six months and realized how truly I will not reach that goal... It has forced me to check out where my life is going, and realizing I'm honestly not going anywhere with this program, with my life..

I'm sure people struggle to hear how messed up I am and all that... In even dealing with my one amazing lady... I pull back from and go to her, and pull back... and than I am naive enough to go back into journal entries that start to add up too the major factor... that I am destroying her life by living my life this way.. the pressure of dealing with myself is enough, and than now trying to be open enough to care enough to send a text, send a hello or whatever it is that she needs from me... You see a month ago... something tremendous happened and it really impacted my life in a really great way, she had given me something valuable, and I have carried it throughout the month... This little reminder that I am not where I was, and that in six months there are parts of me that have changed.. but in the last week... I have felt ashamed of having this valuable piece she gave to me, to the point that I want to give it back because... I find myself wasting away in this turmoil... I am needing so desperately for an answer, for a hope, for a future...
In the end I no longer see the benefit of the goodness of her... the greatness of my life.. the part of me that so many people see the fighter, the survivor, and the one that is going to impact many... I have lost hope in that person, that person that rose to the occasion to fight for my life without reason, just desire for change. I have lost hope in that person that survived from June 3 and struggled this much...

In the end I see the beast continuing to rise up in me... continuing to bring about the heartache that I felt I deserved and the worthless feeling that I have in myself and my ability to make it through these situations, and circumstances effectively.

This is the sad part of it... for the first time in a while the feeling rises up in me the darkness the beast, and the burdens it carries to envelope me and destroy every good thing that helped me survive.. It bothers me tremendously that people believed in me so much, that people who didn't even know me would say how strong I was, and how confident I am in the future... when really break it down throw down the wall you see the broken shattered Jessie, dying a painful slow death of destruction... I waste away in the darkness... I close my eyes hoping that for just one moment just one moment I might feel love again, that I might feel strength, that I might feel hope, that I might get through this... each time I see myself burying myself alive really, and losing every opportunity to really truly effectively get through these circumstances in my life.

I have made the decision I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family, I have disconnected from them completely, and I have desired to leave just waiting for the right moment and the only place I can think of going is Ft.St. James where my father is buried. It almost seems like there is nothing else you know? no one else.. no where else...

To feel this way.. to be this way.. to act this way... to see myself... to truly see myself as I reacted, and acted in this course at school was a true opportunity to see the beast I am and the person that I am that's never really changed.

laterz

avoiding the situation

How do I productively talk about situations in my life that have effected me in a way that has or will prove to me that I can not productively be in someone's life for the reasons that I feel I can't deal with those people. I'm talking about a specific situation that I have had to deal with and it's family, the people I feel are at times destroying the light that keeps me going. I have strongly found it difficult to talk with them, hang out with them, or acknowledge that we live in Vancouver together.
This past few weeks I have had to deal with emotional problems in productive ways, I have found it difficult when I felt that others were not being productive. Meaning my family has always been this way, continues to be this way, in not taking care of themselves or each other. The only regret that I feel I have is that I am unable to be there for them when I see that they could be doing better they could make better choices. As a result of these recent outcomes of my visits with my family is that I have had to set myself apart from them, disconnect with them completely. As a result I feel really sad that I have had this outcome, that it's taken me years to realize the person I am to them, but now realizing my limitations and my boundaries.
It was the first since I moved back to Vancouver that I realized for a brief moment how I regretted moving back.... It hurt me a lot to have to realize the effect my family has on me, and my choices. It took me this long to realize the drain I feel in talking with my family, with each conversation being about others wanting to die, or continuing to make the same poor decisions and expect me to respond to that. I have realized that as much as I am here for them I have also needed to be set apart from them.

The life I have chosen is far different, separate even from my family. I am not meant to live the same way they choose too, I have gone places, been to extraordinary places, and met some amazing people that have been a good example of what it means to live life for myself. For me to look at myself and see that I am definitely not my family is a huge deal for me. The impact however that this decision has had on me has been negative I have felt that I could not be in contact with my family, and because Christmas is coming up I am not certain if I will be able to resolve these issues I have or will I be spending Christmas alone or up north which is far far away and alone. It breaks my heart that I have had to go to this extent in separate myself from my family.

I cannot be productive in conversation with my family, I have found that even talking to them about how I feel, or what they say or do effects me it does not help, it does not change what they are doing, but still hurts me. It makes me sad to realize where I'm at and that I cannot be in contact with my family... The situations my family has had to deal with and the ways they have chosen to deal with them has been a result that is far from the right one.

Apart from the drama of my family and all that I have had to see with this stuff.. I'm in school which has been a very interesting place I find myself especially in this time. At the moment my course is "Conflict resolution" I have found it very challenging and different from the ways I have dealt with conflict, or my own feelings. I have been learning how to be productive in my conversations about conflict with others. I still have not found the time to deal with conflict itself and worry to the extent if I ever had to deal with conflict in what ways I would respond. I believe that the process of dealing with conflict resolution may take longer for me to deal with situations because I still am just learning my faults in my relationships, my reactions, and the explosive reactions I have in dealing with someone I have a conflict with.
School has become a difficult challenging experience but will hopefully be productive and one day I'll be able to apply it to my life and maybe have a better relationship with those I have in my life.

I'm around a while but may leave in December with no real idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing but knowing that I have to leave in order to deal with myself, and the situations I've had to face with my family.

That's all for now!

epiphany

It's been weeks of my life going in spirals and twirls and flips and just outta control... but I'm here now and regardless of every bad thing that's happened the good comes from it!!
the last few weeks I've spent countless times in the hospital for an Asthma attack, and then for my baby sister because she got hurt and she got surgery and stitches and a cast...

there have been many great things I've learned in the weeks of these events moments that i wish I could store away forever and just remember those days in days like these. I'm told that I've discovered something pretty significant and pretty great... for the time these last six months I've struggled tremendously with only one great good lady my lady in my life... yet when I thought about my life these past six months with the good.... I have created the bad I have created the self-destruction of my own body and self, afraid to connect or accept that there is good and that sometimes it can be tremendous.. I created the last six months of my life in a terrible state of mind unable to accept the good in life because it's unfamiliar.

On top of which i have also discovered the significance it's been for me to be here... In Vancouver going through this experience with my sister showed me how much she wants and desires to be like me, and how much of a support and amazing person I am to be here for her. for all my family members... to have moved back and for the first truly seeing the impact I have on my family members it was a significant day for me..

The two week trend that began on Halloween got side tracked I had explained to my supports that i can see the cycle beginning of my life going down the drain. yet it didn't take my supports to be with me, contact me, or anything... even though i knew i needed them i didn't reach out to them tremendously... and even in all that i had been feeling and dealing with... I was able to see the person i didn't want to become, and that i truly and utterly am struggling to live but for the first time this season or moment in my life I don't want it all to end. I might not know how to enjoy life, enjoy who I am as a person, but i know that I don't want it all to end.. which for me is very significant... but even which... I see something trying.. or evening winning in a battle of my own self..

I can only hope that I find my way through these events in my life... and even through this last week and half of my life I have been able to witness the horrible events in my life... i hope that i find a way regardless of everything I am, and everything i've done.. I just need to be okay and I need to enjoy life for the next few days it's all I got right now..

well i better go... I will do what i can where I can... and hope for better results in the future.