bruised

The reality of the world we are living in an the reality that I don't know where I belong any longer. More an more. Am I staying here to keep you happy or has there been a time where we found happiness

Not long ago I was able to find warmth in your eyes an touch an now I feel cold. 

I feel as though I don't know what we are doing here. I haven't gotten over the continued miscommunication of it all. An I felt at this party we stupidity attended..  I felt like people wondered an I'm sure we wondered why are we together.

What purpose to provide one another

I'm in a destructive state to be honest. I dont feel as though anything good is happening in my life an if it is. I just was to self destruction. Self sabotage 

I want to hurt those that are hurting me.

I dont want to feel anything at all. 

I want to cry. I want to destruct. I want to be ok to just end my life without any desire for remorse. 

Or fears of the outcome of others. 

I dont know if I can continue to be in love with my partner when I don't know why we are together. Why or what change have I provided or been provided how have I appreciated or been appreciative to her an us. 

I dont want to keep up my own pain but truth be told. I'm hurting. I'm hurting an I just want to hurt. I want to cause more pain then what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my heart. An I'm losing everything I'm prepared to be hurt. I'm prepared to just fuck it all up 

Is it worth a conversation? Is it worth a thought or words to be spoken about what I feel ? 

Or should I continue to hide in this bs an pretend like everything is fine. 

It doesn't feel fine.. an I'm so cold. I seriously don't remember when we've been good for one another. 

I really can't imagine a future only because I don't want to go on living. I want to be gone from this world. So much heaviness on my heart. So much pain in my words. I have nothing in grateful for... an if I try say this..it will lead to serious destruction for both of our worlds 

I need you

I feel so jaded.. continously feeling this... so much has gone on. So much has overwhelming me. An the love. Support. Devotion. Idk...

What do I really need ? 

I honestly wanna say... I want bad thing. I want to come back to no return state. I want to hurt so bad that I love/hate myself. I want to test the waters with all things. 

I'm hurting.... I'm hurting from the words spoken. Not spoken yesterday. I'm hurt by the way I read them. 

I'm hurt by everything. 

That literally in one message I began to doubt everything I was so sure of moments earlier. I actually looked it up on my messages.

My partner had said she had felt my love etc. An then within hours. It was "hopefully" that I love her. Or the miscommunication. 

It all went badly so fast.

I've been able to go to work an forget about it. But... at the end of it all. When I'm able to process what I feel how I feel. I just want to cut. I want to feel pain. I want to hurt. I want to be hurting. I want to be bleeding. I want it to hurt.. I want to feel something other than what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind 

I'm going into such a dark space. That there are no feelings to release these moments. An if she even tried as she has... I dont feel the warmth. I don't feel content I feel doubtful.

An with all things... I needed the one place in My life to remain solid. An it hasn't. An that is beyond shitty.  

I want to screw it all up.  I want to give up on all things. 

Sadly I want to give up on my life. 

I don't think I really mean to say that. But there has been so much uncertainty in my life. So much loss. So much brokenness.. an now on top of it. 

I dont feel love. I don't feel anything. I just feel broken. I feel disappointed. Like did I make the wrong choice this entire year by being present. By giving my heart sn soul. 

I want to break down.. I want to give up. No one will really miss me anyhow. 

I just want to close off the world. An forget that it ever existed. Or let them forget I even existed.  I can only hope for great things to come can only hope the sun will shine. 

I've lost faith.... In all. In myself. 

. I'm sorry 

bleeding from the heart

 I dont know where to begin with what Im going through. what I've endured and faced.. I feel such much pain.. so much grief. so much sorrow. 

I can't say why really. but I can say that this is the hardest days I've had. and a test of that is growing more and more each day. 

I'm struggling with so much in my daily life. An I'm also feeling the weight of it all. I cannot tell enough how difficult the year has been an how much I've felt like a failure. 

I realize more an more that I am becoming more destroyed by the world I live in. 

I knew that I'd go down this self sabotage way an not be able to get myself out of it but I had hoped it were possible. But then my partner has played on this an because she is hurt. She is hurting me as well an then wondering why I feel so jaded. 

I'm struggling 

I dont know what more ways I need to say this. I was sure. Am sure. Want to be sure. That I love my partner but... when she brings out this side of me. An doesn't help restore the balance in our relationship then I get concerned. Because are we together so that she can feel better about herself? So she can be validated that she allegedly loves me.  I feel like falling apart. An I dont know how to stay strong. I'm hurting. An I dont know how we ended up here. 

I hate the shit that led up to this. An how instead of discussing it... we got to be silent sn in the no words..  an yet .  Idk

How can we grow in love. If we aren't showing it. Expressing it. Living with it. ... I thought we were doing really well but now I'm not so sure. An does that mean we were never doing well. Or were we doing well..an she let this sabotage happen as well

Is there a way back from it... better hope so otherwise it's going to be a difficult couple days. An you know... what it all comes down too. Is the same bs. COMMUNICATION. The one thing she knows we struggle with. An yet she was not even aware what I read or how I would read it. 

So now.... 

I'm questioning everything... are we for real. Do we even matter. Is this even worth it. I thought we were. I thought this was it for me. But having her miscommunication stuff come up has my head turned around. An I'm on the verge of breaking down. Falling apart. An just finding a way out. A way that will only cause pain. Because I'm coming from a place of pain..

Fuck. An I have to go to bed with this feeling. I have to worry about this stuff. 

I'm losing my mind.. I'm hurting. I'm struggling... an I dont want to go from here because the direction this was heading is not where I thought we were going. 

remain strong

I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to not let all the chaos effect my everyday life. But more an more I'm struggling because everything feels difficult... I feel as tho I'm carrying more than I can carry and on top of which I'm feeling less than myself. The physical self feels weak and makes me feel less than. 

My hearts so heavy. My soul feels so dark. I'm struggling to find light. Struggling to feel anything worth feeling.

I thought it was Beautiful to have my partner tell me she wanted to show me love. We haven't been together often just our jobs an life. So it's nice to have my partner want to shower me with love. I felt honored but pressured. How does one respond to that. I feel as thought I failed. Normally I'm usually about to figure it out but this time. I'm not sure what happened. I just froze I guess.

It's nice to be loved. It's actually sometimes the only reason I'll wake up. But along with that love there has to be more to it..I dont know what I mean by that I just know

We are on the verge of celebrating something amazing.. celebrating our one year anniversary next month... altho we recently celebrating becoming friends on fb..only took us a month before I asked her out. 

The more I think about our history and how we met. The more in love with her.. the more passion. The more fire I feel within myself.. and it's in these moments I wish she was here next to me. 

It's hard a lot of the time.. as I'm being patient I'm trying to be here..

But her upbringing ? Her trauma? Her life? Something has taught her never really on anyone. Never count on others. Or never look weak among anyone...idk really but a lot of the time... I feel as though she has shut me out. 

She finds herself in dark places trying to find her way back to me. 

In my mind that would mean being next to me. 

But in her mind it's the opposite. So it's not easy for me to sort through it.

However.....I can't imagine living in this world if she wasn't mine. More and more I'm grateful for her. I know if an when I've needed her she's been there. I'm trying not to need her. But it's a passion. A bond. I love her. 

Other than that...everything else is terrible... I'm struggling to keep going. Everything feels like I'm failing in all way. I'm struggling to keep my head up. Struggling to keep myself focused. 

I want to cave into my urges. I want to feel some pains..or something other than what I've been feeling. 

I need an escape. I need to hide from this reality. I also need to grow a pair lol an show or return the passionate love my partner showers on me. Idk why I don't respond fast enough maybe just used to rejection. Idk 

Sometimes I can be poetic on my own..but other times I can barely say anything important.. 

I wonder more and more each day 

Why has she chosen me?

struggling

I'm sad to say how difficult things have been for me. In every sense of the word. It's been like the world is today. It's been chaotic. It's been cold. It's been keeping distance. 

So I have had my kid for going on 4 years of my life. Believe me.   I have no regrets I love him more than life itself. An id totally give up my life for him. I'd do anything for him.  

Regardless... 

Reality is the truth in currently facing. My sons parents have been going behind my back an applied for government funding for my kid. An it had worked for them until now. 

I've recently been notified that I've lost my benefits regarding my son's childcare. 

I've lost all benefits regarding my son. 

I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. 

I was thinking about it randomly...about the world we live in.  An as much as I'd love to die. I'd love to give up my life. The reality is if we live in a world like now and I had to choose. I'd give up my life for my son to live. 

What is the definition of mother. ..

Just because you give birth to something doesn't make you a mom. 

Just because they share that bond of mother and baby doesn't mean they are forever 

I'll never have those experiences she has had. But I was there when he was born. I have never left him.  And when he came into my home 4 yrs ago I gave up my whole world for him.  

I left a job I loved. A home I didn't mind leaving behind. I let go of my pride. An I asked for help in ways I never had before.

I've been there for my kid...I've never let him down. 

I love my kid. I love him more than life. Basically all I want to say. 

I'm struggling. I'm hurting. And I want to make the world better for him. 

But repeatedly I feel as though the world is shoving me while I'm down.

Especially regarding my kid. 

On top of all these struggles... i want the good moments. I want a day where I'm not so stressed... I want to be happy. I want my partner to enjoy being with me. I want her to have fun with me. 

An now I'm in a shit mood because I feel as though all my much needed supports are going up in flames. 

An it hurts. It hurts like a shot to the heart. 

An I dont know how to recover. I don't know what to do. 

I'm so terrified. I'm so scared. I've lost too much already.

I have some serious choice words I'd like to share with this asshole...but because of her addiction she wouldn't hear me even if I told her. Because she isn't herself but I hope people tell her what she has fufked up for me an her kid. 

right next to you

 I have so much on my mind.. and I don't know what to think.. where to begin.. I am struggling becauuse I've put myself here.. and sometimes for a short time things go well but then it always end up falling apart, but my fear of losing my lover outweighs everything. 

I tried.. and according to her messages she has also tried to be there, giving me more time, or being more present in my life.. but the distance is unbelievable.. I can hardly express how difficult it is to be where we are.. realizing in one month we are expected to celebrate one year of being together.. 
should we even celebrate? should there even be some sort of acknowledgement? 

What are my expectations of this relationship> I don't even know.

but I know that all other relationships I was or they were already moved in by now, and maybe it's good we aren't but... when do we see one another. and our times together have been pretty terrible.. and so it's hard to want to see the "love of my life" when we aren't spending time together, it's harder to want to be together, and the only time I do get.. is when she comes and sleeps next to me, but that's about it.
should I demand more.. if I do.. it's always getting worse..because I hardly hear from her at all and when I do I just don't have time to respond, and if I respond it's always nothing really interesting to get into.. 

I basically have a relationship with my phone.. and randomly on some days it goes off and I hear from someone who devotes an abundance of love.. but it's not something I feel. nothing I see. not something I can grasp.
And I know I always said I wouldn't doubt it but we are where we are.. and there is nothing really to show for this alleged love.. its hard.. 

when people ask how my partner is. that's a loaded question because I don't even know. because she is so closed off to me.. she trusts me with nothing that I am basically in dark... 

she doesn't want me to be there for her. she doesn't want me to know the dark shit, or anything really. and then she lets all these other people in her life except for me, but then says that I am her only contact but that's not the truth. because who is taking those pictures of her when shes wandering the city with this perosn. 

it reminds me.. of my main man.. who also wandered the city at night,but could never find time to be with me. 

I love my partner. I love them more than I wanna admit. and maybe they love me. but if they did.. shouldn't that be reflected somewhere.. because Im struggling to feel anything anything at all adn more and more distance. more and more of not seeing them. more that I don't know what to do..

and on top of it all my idiot friend and I are not talking.. so I basically have no one.. no one to confide in. no one to turn too.. so imagine what I am doing to cope with how I'm feeling. and Im struggling because I just don't know how to live in this world if my partner stops loving me, caring about me or anything .

Im struggling... I really don't know anymore. 

know nothing at all

I'm trying... I'm trying to feel something... but I've been put in position where feeling anything at all just causes me more pain. 

I dont wanna be where I'm at. Idk what I wanna feel  I just know that... I'm struggling...

I'm struggling...because I feel numb... I feel disconnected. I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I don't know what to do. 

You know the worst of it all..  is my partner said.. to keep our love alive we had to communicate. We had to connect. An I tried. We tried. An I dont know how to feel connected.  I don't know how to feel the love. How to let her love me. Because I'm so confused by it all. 

I dont understand how love can exist without the presence. Without the communication. 

Sometimes it seems like we're good but more days then not were not always talking. We're not always around one another. An I'm trying.   But more I try the more distance begins to come forward. An this feeling begins to come into my life.. 

Then I have a scare... where I lost touch with her for only 6 hours but I had the worst feeling in my gut. A feeling I haven't felt before. 

And like my gut hurt. I hurt. I was scared. I was terrified. I was angry. I was confused. An I had no one to turn too. 

People are tired of hearing me..

But when it all came together...the reality was..  we both allegedly needed one another so much. Which was a feeling we hadn't felt much at all. 

Idk...

I'm grateful for the time we have...but I feel so numb to everything.   But then when I need. When I yearn. When I want. She is the only face that I see. She is the only love that I want. 

So I'm confused of what it is I actually want..because I know that I'm psychotic enough that I don't want to live without her. 

She can't live without me. 

We can't be friends. 

But.....

Where are we then? 

Once upon a time not that long ago. We were high set on getting married. On building a future etc. An now we barely talk about it. Now we barely acknowledge it. An the commitment is allegedly there an that is apparently good enough. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like we're drifting 

I explain this.  An we make plans. An we communicate by text and phone. We see one another an bs. .but... I feel like garbage. 

I dont feel like this place is home..  an I dont even make plans anymore because nothing ever happens as I hope it would 

I just need something... I need a feeling of any feeling. I feel like nothing. 

You know... next month we're allegedly celebrating an entire year..  and I don't even know how to make a plan.  What to make a plan. 

Her idea of date night is different then my verison 

I just don't know what to think. I'm losing my mind. An I feel distant from the person I am supposed to be devoted too. 

I dont know how to be present because I feel so numb. 

Idk what's going on.. everything has effected me that all my walls have gone up and I'm closed off to everything. .

I'm ready to give up on all that is important. Because I don't feel like it matters. 

missing it all

Is it OK that everything feels so blah... that I am struggling as much as I am. 

That the more I realize how alone I am. The more terrified I am about it all. 

I realized once again today that the only people in my life are people who take things from me when they need it. That my moments of crisis are not found in any way shape or form. Thst in my moments when I dial anyone for support I got none. 

The world is very shitty as is. But worse is the lonely feeling..

I feel the loss of connection with all. That even though I've voiced my needs to be close with others they been met with nada. An I'm still alone in this place. Wondering where do we go from here.. 

I want to be in relationship with my partner. I've been thinking about the last while an the distance of that how can she think this is ok... we barely have a connection. We barely have a closeness. An then i thought about all the reasons we aren't together an think do I confront her. Do I ask her.

Not long ago we were talking about forever we were talking about a love that is forever but now it's barely a chat at all. No phone calls no more visits. No more sleeping together. Alls i get is random texts..

It's funny because she said I should reach out to her for support but reality is..

It's not just that she doesn't know me it's that if I tried and I have tried calling her. With no answer. No reply an then I've gone into psychotic episodes.

Anxiety over her reasons behind not responding to me. An some are insecurity but some are legit an there hasn't been much reassurance..

Once there was... once she cared enough to talk to me. An now I barely get anything 

I have so much fucked up shit in my head... the only reality I know. Is that we are both terrified to lose one another I know this because of her hospital incident. Idk 

Other than that... I'm alone...there is no one... an that scares me.

Yes I have my kid

But I've made plans for him in event I should leave before my time

I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm scared of my thinking an I wish I had people I could talk too. Because I just don't like the feeling I have going on in my life and not having the outlet to work thro it.

I'm getting more .

This feeling of nothing. Of emptiness. More of loss of love. Of heartache of pain. Of things that are not good for me. An all these thoughts of bad things. 

No one to talk too

No surprise visits with my lover. No lover to be here with me...  

If I tell her it may turn out badly.  As it already has. But losing her which I thought I did was worse..

Wtf is wrong with me..

struggling for feelings

I have started down a way in which I'm not feeling proud. But in the past few weeks of dealing with chaos and having no moments of warmth I guess it's no shocker that I'd feel so jaded.

I'm repeatedly trying to make us work. Trying to not let the voices of those in my life to cloud my thoughts an desires but there comes a time where it's too much. I've spent weeks months even trying to be ok with my relationship. Trying not to focus on the bad but I'll say this. We've had more bad days then good I try to make plans for us. I voice what it is that I want for us. An I assume by saying it maybe it means it will come to pass but always the opposite happens 

I feel like I'm getting hurt...repeatedly.. like think of idk. I'm trying so hard to hang onto what is good. But my grip on this love that is expected to be forever is not feeling as such. The love feels like it' can wither and die. An its horrible because she was the one that said to love an appreciate one another etc. 

Sue is the one who said we need to be more connected but then she disappeared an I'm feeling worse than before

Or how about the times she was expected to be there. An bailed. Does she think that felt awesome it didn't. All her bs of her life is better when she's with me. An now she is barely with me. 

What is it really that she wants from me...

When is it about my needs... my need to be loved. My need to be adored. My need to be close. My need to feel connected. My need for us to feel like we're a family. An instead it's none of those. An when I begin to act the way she has treated me. It's a push an pull or the chase she realizes what she loves me ? Misses me? What ? Idk. 

I feel shitty.  I feel like my shattered heart is breaking piece by piece. An she doesn't notice if she noticed what could she even do?

I dont know what I want anymore but I need better than this. I want it from her. But I'm not sure she is able to give me this time an closeness because she is so wrapped up in herself an her needs.

Which I'm trying so hard to be understanding about. But she's ALWAYS been about herself. Always been about what she needs not caring how it effects me. How much it hurts me. 

An how more distance is making me start to lose focus. Lose feeling. Lose desire. 

Idk how to make that mor clear. 

I feel shattered. I feel like garbage. I feel broken I feel like when I'm not focused on my job an when I'm not focused on my kid. I'm thinking terrible things because I feel so hurt. I feel so broken. An idk how much longer I'm expected to be ok with this an I dont know what other way to be as more direct with her. Like realistically in her head. How does she think we are on good terms ? How does she think of my needs? 

I'm becoming more shut down with her because it's my self defense it's my go To. But does she know that? See that ? Feel thst ? I don't know. 

Idk how to put effort into something or someone when they aren't doing the same.

Thinking of it makes me want to die because it hurts at the idea that I know what I'm saying I don't wanna say but I feel horrible an she is supposed to be my guard. She's supposed to be my everything. An yet here I am not feeling her love. 

She is not feeling mine either. 

Because I'm shut down!!! I feel nothing. Nothing but pain