What an interesting night alone... excerising my ideas of things, writing, an trying to distract myself from the many things going on in my life...
The only thing that helped me through the night were the realities of my world, that this isn't as bad as it seems...I've over done it you know... An it's become unbearable but Im trying my best to stay alive you know...it's not true..no no... I mean.. really... Im just trying to bring life back into my life... I have felt this thing...pattern creep back into my life...an have allowed it to consume me....
Today was the first day.....that I heard her words... an really felt them deep within me...even though there were no real emotions deep down i could feel it you know? even last night when she sent me a message it was not easy for me to read that an my intial reaction was anger because I just have a hard time when people....no when she knows...what im not telling her..
Im leaving tomorrow...all packed...gone for five days... Im terrified...Im scared... I dont know what to expect being gone or anything...Im terrifed at the idea of being in a canoe because Im actually very terrifed of that as well as water......isn't that something? well can't blame me from my last canoe time..I obviously would have a hard time with all those things...but Im also trying to see this as an opportunity to find goodness again...to find something of myself again.. I haven't had the heart...no the strength. courage to even think of opening up my lady's letters...because it's hard to remember the person that she loves... it's been too long being here in this place..
Either way I hope to find these things...the things that make me smile, the things that make me be able to breath... I wrote about it lastnight an wish I could write over again...but in the just of it I just said I feel like Im literally suffocating here.... everything has kept me breathless... an so outta of it all...
My lady hears it in my voice..the defeat. the fear. the beast. she knows what I've been trying to do but hoping I could do it without really doing it...but of course..it's obvious how crazy my times can be... it was good to talk to her....it put me at ease hearing from her even though I was scared to you know? but I told her how difficult it's been to accept her place in my life, she's been gone an I've lost my faith in myself...an my goodness... so having her back...it just felt... feels... like it shouldn't be there you know?
Well either way... it was good... to talk to her an will be meeting up with her in a bit... I hope that even though...Im in this place that Im in...that I'll be able to feel her.....feel her love an goodness... just feel it... you know? feel it in my being..because I've lost it for so long.... but I hope it comes back...or even then... I dont know
can't write anymore...Im distracted by so many people...but I'll write about it in my journal :)
laterz
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
missing it
So I guess...I haven't written in clarity of the events going on in my life...an even then I just dont know what to say or where to begin. I guess the most of it all is my lady is back.........it's supposed to be an exciting thing but I still feel nothing..even being there at the Airport i forced myself to get all hyped on caffine just to feel something..but really it made me really nervous an shaky. It is good to have her back...But like all things....changes in time...........
I've changed...in the last week of my life...everything i worked for felt like it was falling to pieces with each passing day I was getting more terrified at her return, an more afraid of the world an realizing how alone I had become....I didnt do anything else I wrote...that's all I did.... I visited Exodus an Gemini an that's it... Underneath all of that though...there's been a constant struggle that even still is with me now...an it's what makes me scared of thinking of going on this canoe journey.
Im scared that...as great as it could be...it'll also give me my opportunity for this idea that's been in my mind...but who knows you know... I haven't really thought it through...I just have these fears of water enough as it is, an being away from Vancouver even only a few days..away from the things that make me feel grounded, as well as the fears I have being in crowds of people... I worry about all these things...but I guess not looking at the other things like how it could be a good idea....but we will see how it goes..
I felt kinda bad that my lady thought my choices were because of hers...it's not true.... it would've been easy to say it was because of her...but it wasn't that....its not about putting blame or guilt on anyone...these were my choices, my decisions, an my fails... I decided to do these things whether I read that letter or not...
I am listenning to a song right now....thinking of how much I could go back...you know? just rewind it all... to the moments of last Saturday an my decisions, or if anything the anniversary date that would've been the beginning of this whole confusion, an fears etc... I know that I've reached out for help through it all...but Im not feeling like i got the people's understanding, or realizing what Im doing... that just is not a good thing that I look closer an closer at this thing...
I really wish...I was better then this though...I wish that I could've carried myself outta this situation....that I wouldn't think the way that I have been thinking that I'd just be able to get through it... but I haven't...I have felt so weak. so vulnerable. I almost wanted to go to another birthday party tonight but it means going by my lady's place an if I do then that I wouldn't go just because once I get in that area...its like an invisible reality check gets put into my head an I can't help but stop myself from those decisons... let alone the fact is I dont want to be around people that could help me feel any worse then I already do... I mean really... really... I wish that it could be explained of how I really feel...
There's a burden in my heart... in my head...there's a constant need to cry... I need to speak. but Im done talking...Im done talking because it didn't feel like it got me anywhere...if it had then I wouldn't be where I am now...
I feel like I lost.... let me explain more...I feel like I've lost the goodness...lost my lady. lost myself in all these things. About a month ago there was meaning... meaning in my life..meaning in my heart... meaning in my life...an now... everything...everything feels like Im not really here... I mean I had to go to SkiD Row just to remind myself of what it would feel like...to see someone I love down there, or even myself being down there...Im constantly having to bring in these bad things or memories just to remind myself of why Im living.... I lost myself....I lost my lady. I lost it all.........an now....its just this blank person carrying on for whatever reason.... an it's written in my journal of what that feels like....but it aches...an it scares me...I've scared myself into isolation... because once again....if everyone stays away from me, if I keep my distance...then maybe...........maybe everything will be ok.......if not an if something happens to me then i've been distant enough that no one couldve helped me.....so bad....so bad....
I lost myself...I lost it all...I failed. I fell...an im just tired.....tired of knowing how much people believe in me....an I wrote it in my journal...lose faith! Lose faith! just a little! an see what happens! I know! I know! I seen it in my life...in the lives of many many people! Just do it just once an it'll make my day! that faith those have in me...if just a little tiny of it.... just the thought.. I feel it...an then I act on those feelings!
IM LOSING MY MIND!
I've changed...in the last week of my life...everything i worked for felt like it was falling to pieces with each passing day I was getting more terrified at her return, an more afraid of the world an realizing how alone I had become....I didnt do anything else I wrote...that's all I did.... I visited Exodus an Gemini an that's it... Underneath all of that though...there's been a constant struggle that even still is with me now...an it's what makes me scared of thinking of going on this canoe journey.
Im scared that...as great as it could be...it'll also give me my opportunity for this idea that's been in my mind...but who knows you know... I haven't really thought it through...I just have these fears of water enough as it is, an being away from Vancouver even only a few days..away from the things that make me feel grounded, as well as the fears I have being in crowds of people... I worry about all these things...but I guess not looking at the other things like how it could be a good idea....but we will see how it goes..
I felt kinda bad that my lady thought my choices were because of hers...it's not true.... it would've been easy to say it was because of her...but it wasn't that....its not about putting blame or guilt on anyone...these were my choices, my decisions, an my fails... I decided to do these things whether I read that letter or not...
I am listenning to a song right now....thinking of how much I could go back...you know? just rewind it all... to the moments of last Saturday an my decisions, or if anything the anniversary date that would've been the beginning of this whole confusion, an fears etc... I know that I've reached out for help through it all...but Im not feeling like i got the people's understanding, or realizing what Im doing... that just is not a good thing that I look closer an closer at this thing...
I really wish...I was better then this though...I wish that I could've carried myself outta this situation....that I wouldn't think the way that I have been thinking that I'd just be able to get through it... but I haven't...I have felt so weak. so vulnerable. I almost wanted to go to another birthday party tonight but it means going by my lady's place an if I do then that I wouldn't go just because once I get in that area...its like an invisible reality check gets put into my head an I can't help but stop myself from those decisons... let alone the fact is I dont want to be around people that could help me feel any worse then I already do... I mean really... really... I wish that it could be explained of how I really feel...
There's a burden in my heart... in my head...there's a constant need to cry... I need to speak. but Im done talking...Im done talking because it didn't feel like it got me anywhere...if it had then I wouldn't be where I am now...
I feel like I lost.... let me explain more...I feel like I've lost the goodness...lost my lady. lost myself in all these things. About a month ago there was meaning... meaning in my life..meaning in my heart... meaning in my life...an now... everything...everything feels like Im not really here... I mean I had to go to SkiD Row just to remind myself of what it would feel like...to see someone I love down there, or even myself being down there...Im constantly having to bring in these bad things or memories just to remind myself of why Im living.... I lost myself....I lost my lady. I lost it all.........an now....its just this blank person carrying on for whatever reason.... an it's written in my journal of what that feels like....but it aches...an it scares me...I've scared myself into isolation... because once again....if everyone stays away from me, if I keep my distance...then maybe...........maybe everything will be ok.......if not an if something happens to me then i've been distant enough that no one couldve helped me.....so bad....so bad....
I lost myself...I lost it all...I failed. I fell...an im just tired.....tired of knowing how much people believe in me....an I wrote it in my journal...lose faith! Lose faith! just a little! an see what happens! I know! I know! I seen it in my life...in the lives of many many people! Just do it just once an it'll make my day! that faith those have in me...if just a little tiny of it.... just the thought.. I feel it...an then I act on those feelings!
IM LOSING MY MIND!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
be ok
Doesn't know how to feel! Doesn't know how to deal with these things...
But Im still here! Trying to see something good! no matter what im still here!!
But Im still here! Trying to see something good! no matter what im still here!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
goodness!
I dont know how long it's been or where in the world my head has been...but I finally found my way back... I was overwhelmed with all the choices and decisions of all these other people, I had exhausted myself with the feelings of the reactions, or how I'd react..I stopped eating, stopped sleeping properly...I just stopped taking care of myself...I was exhausted with the choices an decisions like really the hypothetical choices and decisions of those I love...expecting it to be the worst of it all! when really..it's not even happened, may not have happened...
So today I had psychologist an counsellng...an in both I explained my fears, my frustration an my reasons for my poor decisions... it was so strange... I mean I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe how easily it was for me to slip back into old habits, old times an the difficulty of all of it! I didn't even recognize any good thing...but it was because I exhausted myself with all the pain, tryin so hard to recognize the bad things that would happen..I couldn't even see that goodness was present in my life the last few days.... an I can't believ how much I let my thoughts play out to the worst of everything.. I didn't even give myself a chance, I didn't think it through I just acted on old habits, on impulse..
Then today in both my appointments..releasing that frustration that anger, that fear...I got the best of it...because although I made those decisions I also seen how or why...an how I can prevent an cope with my feelings, fears in the future...now I just have to put those things into good use... we also established how important it is for me to see the spiritual aspect of my life.. not just with the church but also with my culture..because both made me feel good, an I loved it.. an I dont want to have to choose one or the other... I loved both..
The good is that.. I have a friend... my amazing lady that I love an cherish..an although all my fears, all my old habits..my instinct to push her away, to hurt instead of being hurt...all these habits of my life...returned...I didn't... I prevented myself from that text, that e-mail because deep down I dont want to let go... I just am scared of the reality of it all... having a friend.. a real friend who wants to be a part of my life, an wants me to be a part of hers, someone who will love me an I can love, someone to support me an I can support, someone that really..has not once let me down intentionally.. why was I so selfish? I was so selfish because I thought I'd fall..I thought I'd fail..or I thought I'd not be here when she got back... an that scared me an so I spirled down to try an avoid any pain that I would cause her, an tried to push her away when really she had no idea... all outta of fear.... I can't believe how much fear is in my life. how scared I was.. how scared I am...to have someone that close to me, someone I cherish that much..someone I care for as much as I do..it's so terrifying...so much fear is held up with that... but she is totally the goodness..she is totally the light of my life..she is someone I cherish so much...an realizing how much I need her in my life...is realizing how much I truly utterly want the goodness of my life. I dont want to live like this. I dont want to destroy myself.. I don't want to die slowly..
No matter what choices I've made...the things I've done... all those times in my teenage years, all the memories of the stupid shit I did...it does not matter..what matters is that because of those things Im here...because of those times in my life..I chose this...I choose this everyday.. to live. to be here...to live...regardless that I feel the way I do... I mean it's natural to feel like I shouldn't be alive because of those things I did...but being on that bus..going down skid row... what a sad place.. I have struggled the last few days with my feelings of life...an once I was on that bus riding through skid row..I almost cried...because if I decide or make my decisions, she makes hers... an if I decide that my life was meant to be all that I thought it should be, or what others thought it should be...meaning people think I should be a drug addict, a prostitute... there are people who tell me its in my nature as an aboriginal person, lady..to be an alcoholic, drug addict, an prostitute... an when I was riding down skid row...I seen my life..I seen what I could've become. I recognized..how much God was there an saved me from that...how much I made that decision to say no to that life...because I know regardless that i dont know why Im alive, I dont know why I live...I know that Im not meant to live down there..Im not meant to end my life. an althuogh there are so many fears of why Im here what I can do to keep living...for now it is my amazing friend, my amazing lady...and my resources of support..
I can do anything...I can truly do anything...an nothing can stop me... well I can stop me. I can run from it..or learn...
It was such a day.. I mean... I woke up not even wanting to go to any of my appointments, I wanted to cancel both..but I knew...like Patrick said..half the battle is won because I showed up. so I did that..an look at how it turned out! I could've avoided it I could've done what I wanted.. but I know just as well as I write the words of my life..I know my life has some meaning, some worth I dont know why..or how..but I dont want to give up. I dont want to let the bad control my life, my thoughts... today I realized..today is today..I can't let the worries of tomorrow make me forget the good things of today...I have to remind myself to be mindful...of the present, of now. not tomorrow not the future, not judging myself for my choices...to be mindful the present is now... I need to be sure to do that... an reminding myself of those things...helped me see today for what it was...an that truly is it's true Victory!
I am really blessed to have my lady! I am so honoured an glad to have my lady in my life! Im so glad that I made sure to stop myself from those texts, those e-mails..because I knew just as I know now..it's not really what I want..it's just fear...an fear has to know it's place in my life. because I can't let this life do this me, I can't keep being afraid..because good things happen. an no matter what I love my lady! an I know she loves me! No matter what I'll always be there for her an support her! I am Victorious because of her! she believed in me! she loves me too! I love it! How could I forget that! I feel like a loser that I forgot all of it! but it's okay! I made it! Im here.. an Im going to be here... no matter what happens!
VICTORY!!! <3
So today I had psychologist an counsellng...an in both I explained my fears, my frustration an my reasons for my poor decisions... it was so strange... I mean I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe how easily it was for me to slip back into old habits, old times an the difficulty of all of it! I didn't even recognize any good thing...but it was because I exhausted myself with all the pain, tryin so hard to recognize the bad things that would happen..I couldn't even see that goodness was present in my life the last few days.... an I can't believ how much I let my thoughts play out to the worst of everything.. I didn't even give myself a chance, I didn't think it through I just acted on old habits, on impulse..
Then today in both my appointments..releasing that frustration that anger, that fear...I got the best of it...because although I made those decisions I also seen how or why...an how I can prevent an cope with my feelings, fears in the future...now I just have to put those things into good use... we also established how important it is for me to see the spiritual aspect of my life.. not just with the church but also with my culture..because both made me feel good, an I loved it.. an I dont want to have to choose one or the other... I loved both..
The good is that.. I have a friend... my amazing lady that I love an cherish..an although all my fears, all my old habits..my instinct to push her away, to hurt instead of being hurt...all these habits of my life...returned...I didn't... I prevented myself from that text, that e-mail because deep down I dont want to let go... I just am scared of the reality of it all... having a friend.. a real friend who wants to be a part of my life, an wants me to be a part of hers, someone who will love me an I can love, someone to support me an I can support, someone that really..has not once let me down intentionally.. why was I so selfish? I was so selfish because I thought I'd fall..I thought I'd fail..or I thought I'd not be here when she got back... an that scared me an so I spirled down to try an avoid any pain that I would cause her, an tried to push her away when really she had no idea... all outta of fear.... I can't believe how much fear is in my life. how scared I was.. how scared I am...to have someone that close to me, someone I cherish that much..someone I care for as much as I do..it's so terrifying...so much fear is held up with that... but she is totally the goodness..she is totally the light of my life..she is someone I cherish so much...an realizing how much I need her in my life...is realizing how much I truly utterly want the goodness of my life. I dont want to live like this. I dont want to destroy myself.. I don't want to die slowly..
No matter what choices I've made...the things I've done... all those times in my teenage years, all the memories of the stupid shit I did...it does not matter..what matters is that because of those things Im here...because of those times in my life..I chose this...I choose this everyday.. to live. to be here...to live...regardless that I feel the way I do... I mean it's natural to feel like I shouldn't be alive because of those things I did...but being on that bus..going down skid row... what a sad place.. I have struggled the last few days with my feelings of life...an once I was on that bus riding through skid row..I almost cried...because if I decide or make my decisions, she makes hers... an if I decide that my life was meant to be all that I thought it should be, or what others thought it should be...meaning people think I should be a drug addict, a prostitute... there are people who tell me its in my nature as an aboriginal person, lady..to be an alcoholic, drug addict, an prostitute... an when I was riding down skid row...I seen my life..I seen what I could've become. I recognized..how much God was there an saved me from that...how much I made that decision to say no to that life...because I know regardless that i dont know why Im alive, I dont know why I live...I know that Im not meant to live down there..Im not meant to end my life. an althuogh there are so many fears of why Im here what I can do to keep living...for now it is my amazing friend, my amazing lady...and my resources of support..
I can do anything...I can truly do anything...an nothing can stop me... well I can stop me. I can run from it..or learn...
It was such a day.. I mean... I woke up not even wanting to go to any of my appointments, I wanted to cancel both..but I knew...like Patrick said..half the battle is won because I showed up. so I did that..an look at how it turned out! I could've avoided it I could've done what I wanted.. but I know just as well as I write the words of my life..I know my life has some meaning, some worth I dont know why..or how..but I dont want to give up. I dont want to let the bad control my life, my thoughts... today I realized..today is today..I can't let the worries of tomorrow make me forget the good things of today...I have to remind myself to be mindful...of the present, of now. not tomorrow not the future, not judging myself for my choices...to be mindful the present is now... I need to be sure to do that... an reminding myself of those things...helped me see today for what it was...an that truly is it's true Victory!
I am really blessed to have my lady! I am so honoured an glad to have my lady in my life! Im so glad that I made sure to stop myself from those texts, those e-mails..because I knew just as I know now..it's not really what I want..it's just fear...an fear has to know it's place in my life. because I can't let this life do this me, I can't keep being afraid..because good things happen. an no matter what I love my lady! an I know she loves me! No matter what I'll always be there for her an support her! I am Victorious because of her! she believed in me! she loves me too! I love it! How could I forget that! I feel like a loser that I forgot all of it! but it's okay! I made it! Im here.. an Im going to be here... no matter what happens!
VICTORY!!! <3
Monday, July 13, 2009
new day, new time. keep trying
I know the choices I've made the last few days. I know what I've done an how much it hurts to know what I've done...but I've decided inspite of all these weaknesses of me..Im not going to let myself...go back you know? no matter the circumstances..I played out in my journal what would happen if I decided on certain things like drinking... but I never considered alternatives for the other things I've been struggling with...an therefore I've found myself in a crossroad of deciding what I should be doing you know? I have the opportunity to turn to someone who can help me or I can just continue onto my destructive path...obviously I made the right decisions I called Patrick, as well as a friend of mine... no scolding or anything just a heart of compassion from both.
This week I've found myself going to be booked with appointments things like doctors, counselling, dentist etc.. it's pretty good cause in those ways I am taking care of myself you know? but then there are more simple things like food...sleeping properly... well those things Im finding myself being afraid an having to find some realities in all that... who knows you know? Im just needing to find my space my time, my life... really cause..honestly everything feels at the moment like it's up in smoke an everything I worked so hard for has all vanished before me, because I did what I did..an have to look to something else...not sure what..where. when. or how. but I can't let myself fall into this mindset of failure.. Cause I've found that about myself..is that Im coming into a place of where I feel like a failure, everything I am doing is wrong, an once people find out...specific people..well it'll hurt them as it has hurt...an I just.. feel like a whole lot of nothing... my world is quiet... so cold.. so dark it seems even... being alone in all these moments of weakness...being completely here..alone..vulnerable to the darkness, the beast of my life.. it's not a good thing..an I have to find the changes in my life so that Im not staying there...
there is a fear...though..believe me no matter how many times I try an say Im not afraid. that's a part of my life...a huge part of my life..fear has always been in my life, an for so long it's controlled my life, my actions, my reactions, my choices, my responsibilities..etc.. there have been so many things that fear has been a part of in my life...that at times I feel so afraid to even move or breath... either way there's a fear.... a fear of the people... fear of the vulnerability of my heart...the fear of being hurt. the fear of being let down, or letting someone else down. Im working so hard at these things...that fear is becoming so present in my life again, an of course of all things I think the worst of all things...an that's not a good thing...
Fear is such a horrible thing.. well the fear I feel...almost at times makes me not want to make it through this week...a fear of the things to come..a fear of the goodness..a fear of the bad. man alive Im a pretty fearing person of the world... I still have not connected to the world, to anyone, to my family an friends, I've kept my distance an just feel like...Im afraid you know? if I trust myself to be around those people then Im afraid I might do something wrong again an so for now Im keeping EVERYONE at an arm's length for their protection but mainly for my own. I can't deal with my life enough as it is let alone deal with anything anyone wants to tell me..
As difficult as things have been...as difficult as things may get in my life..in this future of mine. im here... I mean I could be doing far worse then how Im doing now...an Im not..Im trying my best to stand by my words, to hear the words of my lady even ..... nevermind.. either way... Im not giving up..no matter what happens in this week I can't give up..I've got to fight for my life an although there is a tremble in my voice, a fear of this choice...decision...I can't let my life go back to what it was... I can't... an right now even if all these choices have already been made, it's a choice to not let those decisions guide my future..because I would just go back to where I was. an that's not what I want to do...until I find a better way this is where I am!
laterz
This week I've found myself going to be booked with appointments things like doctors, counselling, dentist etc.. it's pretty good cause in those ways I am taking care of myself you know? but then there are more simple things like food...sleeping properly... well those things Im finding myself being afraid an having to find some realities in all that... who knows you know? Im just needing to find my space my time, my life... really cause..honestly everything feels at the moment like it's up in smoke an everything I worked so hard for has all vanished before me, because I did what I did..an have to look to something else...not sure what..where. when. or how. but I can't let myself fall into this mindset of failure.. Cause I've found that about myself..is that Im coming into a place of where I feel like a failure, everything I am doing is wrong, an once people find out...specific people..well it'll hurt them as it has hurt...an I just.. feel like a whole lot of nothing... my world is quiet... so cold.. so dark it seems even... being alone in all these moments of weakness...being completely here..alone..vulnerable to the darkness, the beast of my life.. it's not a good thing..an I have to find the changes in my life so that Im not staying there...
there is a fear...though..believe me no matter how many times I try an say Im not afraid. that's a part of my life...a huge part of my life..fear has always been in my life, an for so long it's controlled my life, my actions, my reactions, my choices, my responsibilities..etc.. there have been so many things that fear has been a part of in my life...that at times I feel so afraid to even move or breath... either way there's a fear.... a fear of the people... fear of the vulnerability of my heart...the fear of being hurt. the fear of being let down, or letting someone else down. Im working so hard at these things...that fear is becoming so present in my life again, an of course of all things I think the worst of all things...an that's not a good thing...
Fear is such a horrible thing.. well the fear I feel...almost at times makes me not want to make it through this week...a fear of the things to come..a fear of the goodness..a fear of the bad. man alive Im a pretty fearing person of the world... I still have not connected to the world, to anyone, to my family an friends, I've kept my distance an just feel like...Im afraid you know? if I trust myself to be around those people then Im afraid I might do something wrong again an so for now Im keeping EVERYONE at an arm's length for their protection but mainly for my own. I can't deal with my life enough as it is let alone deal with anything anyone wants to tell me..
As difficult as things have been...as difficult as things may get in my life..in this future of mine. im here... I mean I could be doing far worse then how Im doing now...an Im not..Im trying my best to stand by my words, to hear the words of my lady even ..... nevermind.. either way... Im not giving up..no matter what happens in this week I can't give up..I've got to fight for my life an although there is a tremble in my voice, a fear of this choice...decision...I can't let my life go back to what it was... I can't... an right now even if all these choices have already been made, it's a choice to not let those decisions guide my future..because I would just go back to where I was. an that's not what I want to do...until I find a better way this is where I am!
laterz
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Aches
What an interesting day... I wish that I could put into words the struggles of things that have been going on in my head. but there isn't logically anything wrong with me other then that Im just losing my mind.. Im struggling right now an Im not sure why...well I know why but to write the words...really if it's not worth writing about then it's not worth my feelings.. but I can't help it. I feel like all the good is drained outta me an Im losing faith in myself, an my ability to do things... This up coming week is going to be crazy emotionally busy as well as Im going to be watching my brothers an sisters. an im not sure I can do that...I honestly have constantly said I can't take care of children an now I have to do that for four of them...what am I going to do? I hope that I can explain the situation to the other babysitters an let them know I can't really do this but that I can do my best to be here...but that this isn't the way I want to spend my week.
I have some interesting struggles going on in my head with things that are bugging me an things that are making me want to do things I wish I didn't have to think about. I wish that I could say it...but the words are few. an I hope that no matter what that I'll still be here...you know? I can't toy with these thoughts an play games with these thoughts, can't give it another foothold in my life because it'll truly destroy me..an I can't do that. but I can't....struggling!
Today..though....
I went to the squamish pow-wow an I thought it would've been more difficult to be there an at times it was...but it was extraordinary..to see the dancers, to be in the presence of these people. I loved it more then anything an hope to go to more events like that. I loved how it was cultural an that it was people I knew, an just enjoyed myself.. I mean seeing all these dancers an every time Im around them Im reminded of my days when I was dancing, drumming..an I loved it. thought about it an how it will look in the future you know? if only there was someone like Jonathan Maracle here in Vancouver that would be totally awesome, he's a great man who brings real truth an has the best music.
I couldn't help but contiously find myself in this state of mind..of the things that are done, or being done. how much Im avoiding things, or even being tormented by things... an the phone call yesterday was the reminder of the good..It was hard to take in an I wrote about that in my journal...it's like when Im surrounded by all this trouble, an struggle that when I get reminded of that goodness....it aches...it makes me second think all of my options, all my choices, decisions an responsibilities... I mean it was hard... because there's been so much going on in my life that being reminded of that love... it made me ache...because it made me feel like what Im doing now is wrong an today it is wrong...but how can I change that? how can I take care of myself? when I feel like Im hanging by a thread... there's so much going on all around me, an I have hardly found time for myself an when I do Im not thinking about myself, Im thinking about the people that have reached out for me..or asked for somtehing, or doing something...an im losing my freakin mind with all these things...an then....Im disappointed in myself, in my choices, my inability to stand against all these things that are truly going on in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts. but I keep saying at least im still here...when really that's half true...because I could be doing better then this...but Im still here... trying to convince myself of something..of the ability to get back to the good!!!!!!!
On top of all these things, all the things piled in my week of life... I have to make another doctors appointment...its so stupid. I've been having a problem all day with my nose. I had it fractured by my brother more then a few months ago an today I was wearing my sunglasses an had to move them, because they hurt my nose, any pressure on my nose hurt...an so Im going to have to figure that one out...thats so annoying because my doctor well the doctor I was seeing is a loser I worry that he may have messed things up, an there might be more to it...I mean the stitches he took out in my right arm were too soon an Im forever branded with this scar. an it's annoying..so I hope that if anything my new doctor will help me get through these events with my poor nose.
Im meeting up with my sister...as soon as she call's.. I had recieved three phone calls from her this morning..an that was a little intense beause it was at 4am an then again at 7am. so I hope that whatever it is that I can just help her...not help her just listen to her really..cause I know how difficult it is to get rid of the life....that life of drinking, an all that..the struggle is hard enough but even worse when surrounded by it all the time..see that's where Im different is that Im not surrounded by it an I actually hardly know anyone who does stuff like that.. but either way. I hope that she call's an that she meets up...cause I really wanna know what's going on an hope to be there for her as a sister...an just hope she is able to see the goodness you know? if there is any of it left in me...
I hope to get through these next few days...safely...now that my buddy is back, an although the difficulties of this week..are coming...I also am feeling like I might be okay... I might be setting myself up again.. but I hope that I know I can do anything.. you know?
confused. frustrated. scared. afraid.. not sure...at all! emotional wreck really... i got to figure it out!
I have some interesting struggles going on in my head with things that are bugging me an things that are making me want to do things I wish I didn't have to think about. I wish that I could say it...but the words are few. an I hope that no matter what that I'll still be here...you know? I can't toy with these thoughts an play games with these thoughts, can't give it another foothold in my life because it'll truly destroy me..an I can't do that. but I can't....struggling!
Today..though....
I went to the squamish pow-wow an I thought it would've been more difficult to be there an at times it was...but it was extraordinary..to see the dancers, to be in the presence of these people. I loved it more then anything an hope to go to more events like that. I loved how it was cultural an that it was people I knew, an just enjoyed myself.. I mean seeing all these dancers an every time Im around them Im reminded of my days when I was dancing, drumming..an I loved it. thought about it an how it will look in the future you know? if only there was someone like Jonathan Maracle here in Vancouver that would be totally awesome, he's a great man who brings real truth an has the best music.
I couldn't help but contiously find myself in this state of mind..of the things that are done, or being done. how much Im avoiding things, or even being tormented by things... an the phone call yesterday was the reminder of the good..It was hard to take in an I wrote about that in my journal...it's like when Im surrounded by all this trouble, an struggle that when I get reminded of that goodness....it aches...it makes me second think all of my options, all my choices, decisions an responsibilities... I mean it was hard... because there's been so much going on in my life that being reminded of that love... it made me ache...because it made me feel like what Im doing now is wrong an today it is wrong...but how can I change that? how can I take care of myself? when I feel like Im hanging by a thread... there's so much going on all around me, an I have hardly found time for myself an when I do Im not thinking about myself, Im thinking about the people that have reached out for me..or asked for somtehing, or doing something...an im losing my freakin mind with all these things...an then....Im disappointed in myself, in my choices, my inability to stand against all these things that are truly going on in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts. but I keep saying at least im still here...when really that's half true...because I could be doing better then this...but Im still here... trying to convince myself of something..of the ability to get back to the good!!!!!!!
On top of all these things, all the things piled in my week of life... I have to make another doctors appointment...its so stupid. I've been having a problem all day with my nose. I had it fractured by my brother more then a few months ago an today I was wearing my sunglasses an had to move them, because they hurt my nose, any pressure on my nose hurt...an so Im going to have to figure that one out...thats so annoying because my doctor well the doctor I was seeing is a loser I worry that he may have messed things up, an there might be more to it...I mean the stitches he took out in my right arm were too soon an Im forever branded with this scar. an it's annoying..so I hope that if anything my new doctor will help me get through these events with my poor nose.
Im meeting up with my sister...as soon as she call's.. I had recieved three phone calls from her this morning..an that was a little intense beause it was at 4am an then again at 7am. so I hope that whatever it is that I can just help her...not help her just listen to her really..cause I know how difficult it is to get rid of the life....that life of drinking, an all that..the struggle is hard enough but even worse when surrounded by it all the time..see that's where Im different is that Im not surrounded by it an I actually hardly know anyone who does stuff like that.. but either way. I hope that she call's an that she meets up...cause I really wanna know what's going on an hope to be there for her as a sister...an just hope she is able to see the goodness you know? if there is any of it left in me...
I hope to get through these next few days...safely...now that my buddy is back, an although the difficulties of this week..are coming...I also am feeling like I might be okay... I might be setting myself up again.. but I hope that I know I can do anything.. you know?
confused. frustrated. scared. afraid.. not sure...at all! emotional wreck really... i got to figure it out!
Friday, July 10, 2009
figure it out
So it's now the 10 of the month.. I actually just spoke to a real great friend of mine... I loved it.. catching up..I still hate it when people ask how I've been cause I never know how to answer that other then the truth...Im struggling..but striving to live.. I mean before..it was all darkness all about the pain i suffered an all about how I would write about the darkness an wait for the next fall..
And although even now...there's fears of the goodness, fears of the people that bring good in my life, a fear of having them there..having them so close to my heart, so in a place of being able to hurt me..that a part of me is scared of that..but even with those fears comes the reality of all my fears...that with all good things bad happens too... nothing can stay good for me.. an so a part of me has hoped that it won't come, but even setting myself up for the fall of it.. I had actually spoke to partick an told him, maybe if I push away all those that love me an believe me an care for me then maybe it'll be payment enough for the bad not to come, because then I'd cause it on myself.. he said that it's a fear of not just my fears of the good an bad..but also the fear of those that I hold close to me hurting me, or something like that...
I am feeling in a constant state of expecting the bad..that maybe even with that good I can't see the good..you know? Im so busy expecting, anticipating the bad that the good has no room in my life...so I feel like Im in a constant state of fear an shock, an grief of nothing thats happened yet. but a fear of what might happen..confusing....yes yes! try frustrating...
Im so unsure...I mean living... I mean real living is living somehow... trying to live..or find a reason to live..is something else.. there are people who have people to live for, or even find a hope or strength in themselves...or something...my living...has seemed to be in a constant alone state, disconnected from others.. I feel like if I stay like this I won't hurt anyone anymore. I know what I did I know that I did some pretty stupid things...an theres unspoken words.. no one talks to me...well no one no friends an family talk to me about what I did, but there's an unspoken pain that lingers in them for what I did. So I feel like if I stay away if I hide, if I let myself alone...it's an avoidance of ever hurting any again.. but in all this loneliness... Im starting to lose my mind...
It bugs me that we are meant for others..meant to be in relationship with others. meant to live amongst others.. it scares me because i scare myself... with this unknown road of things.. Im scared of what I might do, scared of hurting anyone, scared of hurting myself.. I want to pack up an run..but I have no where to go..an that would hurt my family an friends too...my life ending won't stop the hurt I've caused it'll just make them more confused an maybe even lose their faith in living too.. so im stuck... stuck in this place...trying to live...trying to figure out how I want to live... how to be happy....I dont want to be happy though. i want to feel the way I do.. not forever.. but there's like a remorse of the things I did, how I hurt others, hurt myself..
Im so confused...but Im still here right... I dont know why Im still here.. I dont know what will happen in my life..how I'll make it through...what the reasons are for me making it through. But Im going to try...an as confused...frustrated...chaotic of emotions of the worst feelings of myself, the hatred...the knowledge of the people I hurt...all these things that seem unbearable.. an its really messed up...Im still here... not really sure what to do with the emotions but making sure that im not drinking, an i haven't.......I haven't cut myself...an that's important because it's been a while..an even though i think about it, anticipate its existance an wonder if it'll come back.. i also realize it's how i react to those feelings...I could do it. I could do whatever I want...an no one would know..but thats not what I want...I want to be honest with my friends an honest with myself... an try find better ways...
....
laterz
And although even now...there's fears of the goodness, fears of the people that bring good in my life, a fear of having them there..having them so close to my heart, so in a place of being able to hurt me..that a part of me is scared of that..but even with those fears comes the reality of all my fears...that with all good things bad happens too... nothing can stay good for me.. an so a part of me has hoped that it won't come, but even setting myself up for the fall of it.. I had actually spoke to partick an told him, maybe if I push away all those that love me an believe me an care for me then maybe it'll be payment enough for the bad not to come, because then I'd cause it on myself.. he said that it's a fear of not just my fears of the good an bad..but also the fear of those that I hold close to me hurting me, or something like that...
I am feeling in a constant state of expecting the bad..that maybe even with that good I can't see the good..you know? Im so busy expecting, anticipating the bad that the good has no room in my life...so I feel like Im in a constant state of fear an shock, an grief of nothing thats happened yet. but a fear of what might happen..confusing....yes yes! try frustrating...
Im so unsure...I mean living... I mean real living is living somehow... trying to live..or find a reason to live..is something else.. there are people who have people to live for, or even find a hope or strength in themselves...or something...my living...has seemed to be in a constant alone state, disconnected from others.. I feel like if I stay like this I won't hurt anyone anymore. I know what I did I know that I did some pretty stupid things...an theres unspoken words.. no one talks to me...well no one no friends an family talk to me about what I did, but there's an unspoken pain that lingers in them for what I did. So I feel like if I stay away if I hide, if I let myself alone...it's an avoidance of ever hurting any again.. but in all this loneliness... Im starting to lose my mind...
It bugs me that we are meant for others..meant to be in relationship with others. meant to live amongst others.. it scares me because i scare myself... with this unknown road of things.. Im scared of what I might do, scared of hurting anyone, scared of hurting myself.. I want to pack up an run..but I have no where to go..an that would hurt my family an friends too...my life ending won't stop the hurt I've caused it'll just make them more confused an maybe even lose their faith in living too.. so im stuck... stuck in this place...trying to live...trying to figure out how I want to live... how to be happy....I dont want to be happy though. i want to feel the way I do.. not forever.. but there's like a remorse of the things I did, how I hurt others, hurt myself..
Im so confused...but Im still here right... I dont know why Im still here.. I dont know what will happen in my life..how I'll make it through...what the reasons are for me making it through. But Im going to try...an as confused...frustrated...chaotic of emotions of the worst feelings of myself, the hatred...the knowledge of the people I hurt...all these things that seem unbearable.. an its really messed up...Im still here... not really sure what to do with the emotions but making sure that im not drinking, an i haven't.......I haven't cut myself...an that's important because it's been a while..an even though i think about it, anticipate its existance an wonder if it'll come back.. i also realize it's how i react to those feelings...I could do it. I could do whatever I want...an no one would know..but thats not what I want...I want to be honest with my friends an honest with myself... an try find better ways...
....
laterz
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
need to stay stable
This last week of my life has proven a true test of what I want in my life..what I choose to do or how I choose to react to events in my life. I had a friend nearly make some poor decisions an it scared me an made me worry but it also made me ache because I was recently in the same place she was in too..I got unstable an needed to find my groundedness, so I ran away..sort of...I hid myself from the world, from my phone, the reactions or decisions of others because Im not ready to handle it.
Other then that I've found myself constantly doing all these minor things but have been proving more an more how exhausting it can be...I worry about that an need to be sure to take care of myself..so that's what Im going to try do the next few days...cause if I dont Im not sure I can continue to handle the world of it's choices it's problems, its issues...the people..the life the everything... I don't know if that sounds crazy but im trying to do what I can to keep up myself. but the next few days is going to be about me...an my choices, my habits...I realized today how little I've been taking care of myself..I mean with appts. an physio an all that stuff great...but when it comes to my health of eating, or sleeping properly...I've been having such a hard time wtih that an it makes me disappointed in myself..but something I'll need to work on.
for a day like today.. to know the things that have utterly destroyed me...today is the D day of the choices an decisions....i tried to do what I could...but really the world reached out... an just ripped me to pieces...im shattered it seems... an in time it'll heal..but for the memories of today an it's struggle an pain of it all..i need to let myself feel those things but I have to be sure that i let myself away from the things that I have to take care of to take care of myself.. my mom was in the hospital today an I was there through it all.. it didn't matter of todays events for me.. it waas about helping my mom through it an trying to make life at home more easy... so Im here. but I have a sense that I can't do this today. i have to get away an do my thing an I have to find my balance of these things IM doing..
I feel like Im not making any sense..my head feels so full of random thoughts..random aches of the difficulties in my life...but im still here...still carrying on as best as I can an hoping for good results from those choices an decisions...
the good......................the good I guess is that im here... that's enough for now
Other then that I've found myself constantly doing all these minor things but have been proving more an more how exhausting it can be...I worry about that an need to be sure to take care of myself..so that's what Im going to try do the next few days...cause if I dont Im not sure I can continue to handle the world of it's choices it's problems, its issues...the people..the life the everything... I don't know if that sounds crazy but im trying to do what I can to keep up myself. but the next few days is going to be about me...an my choices, my habits...I realized today how little I've been taking care of myself..I mean with appts. an physio an all that stuff great...but when it comes to my health of eating, or sleeping properly...I've been having such a hard time wtih that an it makes me disappointed in myself..but something I'll need to work on.
for a day like today.. to know the things that have utterly destroyed me...today is the D day of the choices an decisions....i tried to do what I could...but really the world reached out... an just ripped me to pieces...im shattered it seems... an in time it'll heal..but for the memories of today an it's struggle an pain of it all..i need to let myself feel those things but I have to be sure that i let myself away from the things that I have to take care of to take care of myself.. my mom was in the hospital today an I was there through it all.. it didn't matter of todays events for me.. it waas about helping my mom through it an trying to make life at home more easy... so Im here. but I have a sense that I can't do this today. i have to get away an do my thing an I have to find my balance of these things IM doing..
I feel like Im not making any sense..my head feels so full of random thoughts..random aches of the difficulties in my life...but im still here...still carrying on as best as I can an hoping for good results from those choices an decisions...
the good......................the good I guess is that im here... that's enough for now
Sunday, July 5, 2009
grounded
i won't have much time to write..an even then haven't written about this yet... I was supposed to got to check out a church but I just didn't feel able too...I didn't feel ready..an I know a lot of people would be like there is never really going to be a point of being ready it's just being there..
I know that I dont feel grounded an I feel scared... but in some sense I am grounded in some ways. I mean really it's been seven days! an counting! since my greatest friend left me to explore the beautiful places..an so far so good I guess..
Is it sad that at times the only place of my area of being grounded is at a park? I talked to couple more then enough people on my journey to the park or from the park today..but in the end they were right... I have done well for myself... this isn't me bullshitting my way through this...not writing words of goodness...cause really the only person I need to be honest with is myself.. an when I got to writing about the things I could've done an the way it could've went, how it could've felt.. in the end there was no point to it..so I went home. these aren't things people can teach me...these are things Im learning about myself an my areas of weakness...
Does it mean it's easy? no it doesn't...it means that everyday I have to choose what I can do to make it through...although my time is not filled with tons of things to do I also know what I can handle... I mean two times I was put in a crowds of people...an I couldn't handle it... so that's where Im at with big things..Im not sure why that is but Im afraid of it..probably because the first time around it was a panick attack an then after that my fear is that I'll have another one an then who knows...
I feel somedays Im losing my mind with this constent struggle with myself..my thoughts. my feelings. my life. my friends. my love. my family...those things don't work themselves out. an even then at times I dont feel like im in this struggle with anyone but one lady my lady an that's it..it feels like everyone else is still in shock of my choices, maybe waiting for me to do it again, afraid to approach me, afraid to be around me.talk to me...etc... I can understand why because Im not really up for chatting about my arm, my 34 stitches, or how I feel.. Im up for chillin at a park bench all by myself..I spent about four to five hours there today...it wasn't about writing there..it was just about feeling a sense of safety there because no one well more an more people are starting to see that i go there, but really there isn't any danger there...an if then I do feel unsafe or apparently some space I do have a place to go... which I did need today but I just was grounded at our bench chillin.
A lot of people think of me being strong for going through all this as planely as i do...I wish that I felt that way..but i honestly don't...Im in a constent battle of myself, an my own fears of myself, my shame, my guilt my hatred for myself... constantly trying to screw up the good but fighting to stay with the good...it's so crazy...an at times I almost fail or fall from the good in my life...but I have people...one lady my lady who helps me see the goodness...strive for it.. an reminds me of it.. even when it seems like I dont wanna know somehow she knows an just tells me an then as much as for the first little bit I'll be angry that she told me...I'll know deep down this is worth it.. I dont know why it's worth it...Im not always certain...but Im trying...an I guess in the end that's all that matters...
For now I am alone... an have to find a way to connect to my family an friends again, connect to the things that have hurt me...but really it's at my pace that I do these things..cause if I continued to follow the flow or be pushed to anything I would've been dead twice now.. I have to do this on my own, in my own way because there are things only few I mean few people know about my situation an that's the way its going to stay... talking about some things..is hard.. an that's one thing I thought of today..is that I want to feel a little more grounded after opening fresh wounds from the past, from my experiences..an so in that exchange my friend told me to go to my lady's place...in those circumstances...so that I can feel safe an plan out my next move.. I thought it was a pretty good idea...we will see how it goes..
well im off...have to head home shortly an go to bed... apparently people have been telling me that tomorrow is a new day ;)
Good night
I know that I dont feel grounded an I feel scared... but in some sense I am grounded in some ways. I mean really it's been seven days! an counting! since my greatest friend left me to explore the beautiful places..an so far so good I guess..
Is it sad that at times the only place of my area of being grounded is at a park? I talked to couple more then enough people on my journey to the park or from the park today..but in the end they were right... I have done well for myself... this isn't me bullshitting my way through this...not writing words of goodness...cause really the only person I need to be honest with is myself.. an when I got to writing about the things I could've done an the way it could've went, how it could've felt.. in the end there was no point to it..so I went home. these aren't things people can teach me...these are things Im learning about myself an my areas of weakness...
Does it mean it's easy? no it doesn't...it means that everyday I have to choose what I can do to make it through...although my time is not filled with tons of things to do I also know what I can handle... I mean two times I was put in a crowds of people...an I couldn't handle it... so that's where Im at with big things..Im not sure why that is but Im afraid of it..probably because the first time around it was a panick attack an then after that my fear is that I'll have another one an then who knows...
I feel somedays Im losing my mind with this constent struggle with myself..my thoughts. my feelings. my life. my friends. my love. my family...those things don't work themselves out. an even then at times I dont feel like im in this struggle with anyone but one lady my lady an that's it..it feels like everyone else is still in shock of my choices, maybe waiting for me to do it again, afraid to approach me, afraid to be around me.talk to me...etc... I can understand why because Im not really up for chatting about my arm, my 34 stitches, or how I feel.. Im up for chillin at a park bench all by myself..I spent about four to five hours there today...it wasn't about writing there..it was just about feeling a sense of safety there because no one well more an more people are starting to see that i go there, but really there isn't any danger there...an if then I do feel unsafe or apparently some space I do have a place to go... which I did need today but I just was grounded at our bench chillin.
A lot of people think of me being strong for going through all this as planely as i do...I wish that I felt that way..but i honestly don't...Im in a constent battle of myself, an my own fears of myself, my shame, my guilt my hatred for myself... constantly trying to screw up the good but fighting to stay with the good...it's so crazy...an at times I almost fail or fall from the good in my life...but I have people...one lady my lady who helps me see the goodness...strive for it.. an reminds me of it.. even when it seems like I dont wanna know somehow she knows an just tells me an then as much as for the first little bit I'll be angry that she told me...I'll know deep down this is worth it.. I dont know why it's worth it...Im not always certain...but Im trying...an I guess in the end that's all that matters...
For now I am alone... an have to find a way to connect to my family an friends again, connect to the things that have hurt me...but really it's at my pace that I do these things..cause if I continued to follow the flow or be pushed to anything I would've been dead twice now.. I have to do this on my own, in my own way because there are things only few I mean few people know about my situation an that's the way its going to stay... talking about some things..is hard.. an that's one thing I thought of today..is that I want to feel a little more grounded after opening fresh wounds from the past, from my experiences..an so in that exchange my friend told me to go to my lady's place...in those circumstances...so that I can feel safe an plan out my next move.. I thought it was a pretty good idea...we will see how it goes..
well im off...have to head home shortly an go to bed... apparently people have been telling me that tomorrow is a new day ;)
Good night
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)