So it's now the 10 of the month.. I actually just spoke to a real great friend of mine... I loved it.. catching up..I still hate it when people ask how I've been cause I never know how to answer that other then the truth...Im struggling..but striving to live.. I mean before..it was all darkness all about the pain i suffered an all about how I would write about the darkness an wait for the next fall..
And although even now...there's fears of the goodness, fears of the people that bring good in my life, a fear of having them there..having them so close to my heart, so in a place of being able to hurt me..that a part of me is scared of that..but even with those fears comes the reality of all my fears...that with all good things bad happens too... nothing can stay good for me.. an so a part of me has hoped that it won't come, but even setting myself up for the fall of it.. I had actually spoke to partick an told him, maybe if I push away all those that love me an believe me an care for me then maybe it'll be payment enough for the bad not to come, because then I'd cause it on myself.. he said that it's a fear of not just my fears of the good an bad..but also the fear of those that I hold close to me hurting me, or something like that...
I am feeling in a constant state of expecting the bad..that maybe even with that good I can't see the good..you know? Im so busy expecting, anticipating the bad that the good has no room in my life...so I feel like Im in a constant state of fear an shock, an grief of nothing thats happened yet. but a fear of what might happen..confusing....yes yes! try frustrating...
Im so unsure...I mean living... I mean real living is living somehow... trying to live..or find a reason to live..is something else.. there are people who have people to live for, or even find a hope or strength in themselves...or something...my living...has seemed to be in a constant alone state, disconnected from others.. I feel like if I stay like this I won't hurt anyone anymore. I know what I did I know that I did some pretty stupid things...an theres unspoken words.. no one talks to me...well no one no friends an family talk to me about what I did, but there's an unspoken pain that lingers in them for what I did. So I feel like if I stay away if I hide, if I let myself alone...it's an avoidance of ever hurting any again.. but in all this loneliness... Im starting to lose my mind...
It bugs me that we are meant for others..meant to be in relationship with others. meant to live amongst others.. it scares me because i scare myself... with this unknown road of things.. Im scared of what I might do, scared of hurting anyone, scared of hurting myself.. I want to pack up an run..but I have no where to go..an that would hurt my family an friends too...my life ending won't stop the hurt I've caused it'll just make them more confused an maybe even lose their faith in living too.. so im stuck... stuck in this place...trying to live...trying to figure out how I want to live... how to be happy....I dont want to be happy though. i want to feel the way I do.. not forever.. but there's like a remorse of the things I did, how I hurt others, hurt myself..
Im so confused...but Im still here right... I dont know why Im still here.. I dont know what will happen in my life..how I'll make it through...what the reasons are for me making it through. But Im going to try...an as confused...frustrated...chaotic of emotions of the worst feelings of myself, the hatred...the knowledge of the people I hurt...all these things that seem unbearable.. an its really messed up...Im still here... not really sure what to do with the emotions but making sure that im not drinking, an i haven't.......I haven't cut myself...an that's important because it's been a while..an even though i think about it, anticipate its existance an wonder if it'll come back.. i also realize it's how i react to those feelings...I could do it. I could do whatever I want...an no one would know..but thats not what I want...I want to be honest with my friends an honest with myself... an try find better ways...
....
laterz
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