Wednesday, July 8, 2009

need to stay stable

This last week of my life has proven a true test of what I want in my life..what I choose to do or how I choose to react to events in my life. I had a friend nearly make some poor decisions an it scared me an made me worry but it also made me ache because I was recently in the same place she was in too..I got unstable an needed to find my groundedness, so I ran away..sort of...I hid myself from the world, from my phone, the reactions or decisions of others because Im not ready to handle it.

Other then that I've found myself constantly doing all these minor things but have been proving more an more how exhausting it can be...I worry about that an need to be sure to take care of that's what Im going to try do the next few days...cause if I dont Im not sure I can continue to handle the world of it's choices it's problems, its issues...the people..the life the everything... I don't know if that sounds crazy but im trying to do what I can to keep up myself. but the next few days is going to be about my choices, my habits...I realized today how little I've been taking care of myself..I mean with appts. an physio an all that stuff great...but when it comes to my health of eating, or sleeping properly...I've been having such a hard time wtih that an it makes me disappointed in myself..but something I'll need to work on.

for a day like today.. to know the things that have utterly destroyed is the D day of the choices an decisions....i tried to do what I could...but really the world reached out... an just ripped me to shattered it seems... an in time it'll heal..but for the memories of today an it's struggle an pain of it all..i need to let myself feel those things but I have to be sure that i let myself away from the things that I have to take care of to take care of myself.. my mom was in the hospital today an I was there through it all.. it didn't matter of todays events for me.. it waas about helping my mom through it an trying to make life at home more easy... so Im here. but I have a sense that I can't do this today. i have to get away an do my thing an I have to find my balance of these things IM doing..
I feel like Im not making any head feels so full of random thoughts..random aches of the difficulties in my life...but im still here...still carrying on as best as I can an hoping for good results from those choices an decisions...

the good......................the good I guess is that im here... that's enough for now

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