Sunday, July 19, 2009

nothing more

What an interesting night alone... excerising my ideas of things, writing, an trying to distract myself from the many things going on in my life...
The only thing that helped me through the night were the realities of my world, that this isn't as bad as it seems...I've over done it you know... An it's become unbearable but Im trying my best to stay alive you's not no... I mean.. really... Im just trying to bring life back into my life... I have felt this thing...pattern creep back into my have allowed it to consume me....

Today was the first day.....that I heard her words... an really felt them deep within me...even though there were no real emotions deep down i could feel it you know? even last night when she sent me a message it was not easy for me to read that an my intial reaction was anger because I just have a hard time when when she knows...what im not telling her..

Im leaving tomorrow...all packed...gone for five days... Im terrified...Im scared... I dont know what to expect being gone or anything...Im terrifed at the idea of being in a canoe because Im actually very terrifed of that as well as water......isn't that something? well can't blame me from my last canoe time..I obviously would have a hard time with all those things...but Im also trying to see this as an opportunity to find goodness find something of myself again.. I haven't had the the strength. courage to even think of opening up my lady's letters...because it's hard to remember the person that she loves... it's been too long being here in this place..
Either way I hope to find these things...the things that make me smile, the things that make me be able to breath... I wrote about it lastnight an wish I could write over again...but in the just of it I just said I feel like Im literally suffocating here.... everything has kept me breathless... an so outta of it all...
My lady hears it in my voice..the defeat. the fear. the beast. she knows what I've been trying to do but hoping I could do it without really doing it...but of's obvious how crazy my times can be... it was good to talk to put me at ease hearing from her even though I was scared to you know? but I told her how difficult it's been to accept her place in my life, she's been gone an I've lost my faith in my goodness... so having her just felt... feels... like it shouldn't be there you know?

Well either way... it was good... to talk to her an will be meeting up with her in a bit... I hope that even though...Im in this place that Im in...that I'll be able to feel her.....feel her love an goodness... just feel it... you know? feel it in my being..because I've lost it for so long.... but I hope it comes back...or even then... I dont know

can't write anymore...Im distracted by so many people...but I'll write about it in my journal :)


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