What an interesting day... I wish that I could put into words the struggles of things that have been going on in my head. but there isn't logically anything wrong with me other then that Im just losing my mind.. Im struggling right now an Im not sure why...well I know why but to write the words...really if it's not worth writing about then it's not worth my feelings.. but I can't help it. I feel like all the good is drained outta me an Im losing faith in myself, an my ability to do things... This up coming week is going to be crazy emotionally busy as well as Im going to be watching my brothers an sisters. an im not sure I can do that...I honestly have constantly said I can't take care of children an now I have to do that for four of them...what am I going to do? I hope that I can explain the situation to the other babysitters an let them know I can't really do this but that I can do my best to be here...but that this isn't the way I want to spend my week.
I have some interesting struggles going on in my head with things that are bugging me an things that are making me want to do things I wish I didn't have to think about. I wish that I could say it...but the words are few. an I hope that no matter what that I'll still be here...you know? I can't toy with these thoughts an play games with these thoughts, can't give it another foothold in my life because it'll truly destroy me..an I can't do that. but I can't....struggling!
I went to the squamish pow-wow an I thought it would've been more difficult to be there an at times it was...but it was extraordinary..to see the dancers, to be in the presence of these people. I loved it more then anything an hope to go to more events like that. I loved how it was cultural an that it was people I knew, an just enjoyed myself.. I mean seeing all these dancers an every time Im around them Im reminded of my days when I was dancing, drumming..an I loved it. thought about it an how it will look in the future you know? if only there was someone like Jonathan Maracle here in Vancouver that would be totally awesome, he's a great man who brings real truth an has the best music.
I couldn't help but contiously find myself in this state of mind..of the things that are done, or being done. how much Im avoiding things, or even being tormented by things... an the phone call yesterday was the reminder of the good..It was hard to take in an I wrote about that in my journal...it's like when Im surrounded by all this trouble, an struggle that when I get reminded of that goodness....it aches...it makes me second think all of my options, all my choices, decisions an responsibilities... I mean it was hard... because there's been so much going on in my life that being reminded of that love... it made me ache...because it made me feel like what Im doing now is wrong an today it is wrong...but how can I change that? how can I take care of myself? when I feel like Im hanging by a thread... there's so much going on all around me, an I have hardly found time for myself an when I do Im not thinking about myself, Im thinking about the people that have reached out for me..or asked for somtehing, or doing something...an im losing my freakin mind with all these things...an then....Im disappointed in myself, in my choices, my inability to stand against all these things that are truly going on in my life, in my heart, in my thoughts. but I keep saying at least im still here...when really that's half true...because I could be doing better then this...but Im still here... trying to convince myself of something..of the ability to get back to the good!!!!!!!
On top of all these things, all the things piled in my week of life... I have to make another doctors appointment...its so stupid. I've been having a problem all day with my nose. I had it fractured by my brother more then a few months ago an today I was wearing my sunglasses an had to move them, because they hurt my nose, any pressure on my nose hurt...an so Im going to have to figure that one out...thats so annoying because my doctor well the doctor I was seeing is a loser I worry that he may have messed things up, an there might be more to it...I mean the stitches he took out in my right arm were too soon an Im forever branded with this scar. an it's annoying..so I hope that if anything my new doctor will help me get through these events with my poor nose.
Im meeting up with my sister...as soon as she call's.. I had recieved three phone calls from her this morning..an that was a little intense beause it was at 4am an then again at 7am. so I hope that whatever it is that I can just help her...not help her just listen to her really..cause I know how difficult it is to get rid of the life....that life of drinking, an all that..the struggle is hard enough but even worse when surrounded by it all the time..see that's where Im different is that Im not surrounded by it an I actually hardly know anyone who does stuff like that.. but either way. I hope that she call's an that she meets up...cause I really wanna know what's going on an hope to be there for her as a sister...an just hope she is able to see the goodness you know? if there is any of it left in me...
I hope to get through these next few days...safely...now that my buddy is back, an although the difficulties of this week..are coming...I also am feeling like I might be okay... I might be setting myself up again.. but I hope that I know I can do anything.. you know?
confused. frustrated. scared. afraid.. not sure...at all! emotional wreck really... i got to figure it out!