grounded

i won't have much time to write..an even then haven't written about this yet... I was supposed to got to check out a church but I just didn't feel able too...I didn't feel ready..an I know a lot of people would be like there is never really going to be a point of being ready it's just being there..
I know that I dont feel grounded an I feel scared... but in some sense I am grounded in some ways. I mean really it's been seven days! an counting! since my greatest friend left me to explore the beautiful places..an so far so good I guess..

Is it sad that at times the only place of my area of being grounded is at a park? I talked to couple more then enough people on my journey to the park or from the park today..but in the end they were right... I have done well for myself... this isn't me bullshitting my way through this...not writing words of goodness...cause really the only person I need to be honest with is myself.. an when I got to writing about the things I could've done an the way it could've went, how it could've felt.. in the end there was no point to it..so I went home. these aren't things people can teach me...these are things Im learning about myself an my areas of weakness...
Does it mean it's easy? no it doesn't...it means that everyday I have to choose what I can do to make it through...although my time is not filled with tons of things to do I also know what I can handle... I mean two times I was put in a crowds of people...an I couldn't handle it... so that's where Im at with big things..Im not sure why that is but Im afraid of it..probably because the first time around it was a panick attack an then after that my fear is that I'll have another one an then who knows...

I feel somedays Im losing my mind with this constent struggle with myself..my thoughts. my feelings. my life. my friends. my love. my family...those things don't work themselves out. an even then at times I dont feel like im in this struggle with anyone but one lady my lady an that's it..it feels like everyone else is still in shock of my choices, maybe waiting for me to do it again, afraid to approach me, afraid to be around me.talk to me...etc... I can understand why because Im not really up for chatting about my arm, my 34 stitches, or how I feel.. Im up for chillin at a park bench all by myself..I spent about four to five hours there today...it wasn't about writing there..it was just about feeling a sense of safety there because no one well more an more people are starting to see that i go there, but really there isn't any danger there...an if then I do feel unsafe or apparently some space I do have a place to go... which I did need today but I just was grounded at our bench chillin.

A lot of people think of me being strong for going through all this as planely as i do...I wish that I felt that way..but i honestly don't...Im in a constent battle of myself, an my own fears of myself, my shame, my guilt my hatred for myself... constantly trying to screw up the good but fighting to stay with the good...it's so crazy...an at times I almost fail or fall from the good in my life...but I have people...one lady my lady who helps me see the goodness...strive for it.. an reminds me of it.. even when it seems like I dont wanna know somehow she knows an just tells me an then as much as for the first little bit I'll be angry that she told me...I'll know deep down this is worth it.. I dont know why it's worth it...Im not always certain...but Im trying...an I guess in the end that's all that matters...

For now I am alone... an have to find a way to connect to my family an friends again, connect to the things that have hurt me...but really it's at my pace that I do these things..cause if I continued to follow the flow or be pushed to anything I would've been dead twice now.. I have to do this on my own, in my own way because there are things only few I mean few people know about my situation an that's the way its going to stay... talking about some things..is hard.. an that's one thing I thought of today..is that I want to feel a little more grounded after opening fresh wounds from the past, from my experiences..an so in that exchange my friend told me to go to my lady's place...in those circumstances...so that I can feel safe an plan out my next move.. I thought it was a pretty good idea...we will see how it goes..

well im off...have to head home shortly an go to bed... apparently people have been telling me that tomorrow is a new day ;)

Good night