I dont know how long it's been or where in the world my head has been...but I finally found my way back... I was overwhelmed with all the choices and decisions of all these other people, I had exhausted myself with the feelings of the reactions, or how I'd react..I stopped eating, stopped sleeping properly...I just stopped taking care of myself...I was exhausted with the choices an decisions like really the hypothetical choices and decisions of those I love...expecting it to be the worst of it all! when really..it's not even happened, may not have happened...
So today I had psychologist an counsellng...an in both I explained my fears, my frustration an my reasons for my poor decisions... it was so strange... I mean I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe how easily it was for me to slip back into old habits, old times an the difficulty of all of it! I didn't even recognize any good thing...but it was because I exhausted myself with all the pain, tryin so hard to recognize the bad things that would happen..I couldn't even see that goodness was present in my life the last few days.... an I can't believ how much I let my thoughts play out to the worst of everything.. I didn't even give myself a chance, I didn't think it through I just acted on old habits, on impulse..
Then today in both my appointments..releasing that frustration that anger, that fear...I got the best of it...because although I made those decisions I also seen how or why...an how I can prevent an cope with my feelings, fears in the future...now I just have to put those things into good use... we also established how important it is for me to see the spiritual aspect of my life.. not just with the church but also with my culture..because both made me feel good, an I loved it.. an I dont want to have to choose one or the other... I loved both..
The good is that.. I have a friend... my amazing lady that I love an cherish..an although all my fears, all my old habits..my instinct to push her away, to hurt instead of being hurt...all these habits of my life...returned...I didn't... I prevented myself from that text, that e-mail because deep down I dont want to let go... I just am scared of the reality of it all... having a friend.. a real friend who wants to be a part of my life, an wants me to be a part of hers, someone who will love me an I can love, someone to support me an I can support, someone that really..has not once let me down intentionally.. why was I so selfish? I was so selfish because I thought I'd fall..I thought I'd fail..or I thought I'd not be here when she got back... an that scared me an so I spirled down to try an avoid any pain that I would cause her, an tried to push her away when really she had no idea... all outta of fear.... I can't believe how much fear is in my life. how scared I was.. how scared I am...to have someone that close to me, someone I cherish that much..someone I care for as much as I do..it's so terrifying...so much fear is held up with that... but she is totally the goodness..she is totally the light of my life..she is someone I cherish so much...an realizing how much I need her in my life...is realizing how much I truly utterly want the goodness of my life. I dont want to live like this. I dont want to destroy myself.. I don't want to die slowly..
No matter what choices I've made...the things I've done... all those times in my teenage years, all the memories of the stupid shit I did...it does not matter..what matters is that because of those things Im here...because of those times in my life..I chose this...I choose this everyday.. to live. to be here...to live...regardless that I feel the way I do... I mean it's natural to feel like I shouldn't be alive because of those things I did...but being on that bus..going down skid row... what a sad place.. I have struggled the last few days with my feelings of life...an once I was on that bus riding through skid row..I almost cried...because if I decide or make my decisions, she makes hers... an if I decide that my life was meant to be all that I thought it should be, or what others thought it should be...meaning people think I should be a drug addict, a prostitute... there are people who tell me its in my nature as an aboriginal person, lady..to be an alcoholic, drug addict, an prostitute... an when I was riding down skid row...I seen my life..I seen what I could've become. I recognized..how much God was there an saved me from that...how much I made that decision to say no to that life...because I know regardless that i dont know why Im alive, I dont know why I live...I know that Im not meant to live down there..Im not meant to end my life. an althuogh there are so many fears of why Im here what I can do to keep living...for now it is my amazing friend, my amazing lady...and my resources of support..
I can do anything...I can truly do anything...an nothing can stop me... well I can stop me. I can run from it..or learn...
It was such a day.. I mean... I woke up not even wanting to go to any of my appointments, I wanted to cancel both..but I knew...like Patrick said..half the battle is won because I showed up. so I did that..an look at how it turned out! I could've avoided it I could've done what I wanted.. but I know just as well as I write the words of my life..I know my life has some meaning, some worth I dont know why..or how..but I dont want to give up. I dont want to let the bad control my life, my thoughts... today I realized..today is today..I can't let the worries of tomorrow make me forget the good things of today...I have to remind myself to be mindful...of the present, of now. not tomorrow not the future, not judging myself for my choices...to be mindful the present is now... I need to be sure to do that... an reminding myself of those things...helped me see today for what it was...an that truly is it's true Victory!
I am really blessed to have my lady! I am so honoured an glad to have my lady in my life! Im so glad that I made sure to stop myself from those texts, those e-mails..because I knew just as I know now..it's not really what I want..it's just fear...an fear has to know it's place in my life. because I can't let this life do this me, I can't keep being afraid..because good things happen. an no matter what I love my lady! an I know she loves me! No matter what I'll always be there for her an support her! I am Victorious because of her! she believed in me! she loves me too! I love it! How could I forget that! I feel like a loser that I forgot all of it! but it's okay! I made it! Im here.. an Im going to be here... no matter what happens!