Monday, July 13, 2009

new day, new time. keep trying

I know the choices I've made the last few days. I know what I've done an how much it hurts to know what I've done...but I've decided inspite of all these weaknesses of me..Im not going to let myself...go back you know? no matter the circumstances..I played out in my journal what would happen if I decided on certain things like drinking... but I never considered alternatives for the other things I've been struggling therefore I've found myself in a crossroad of deciding what I should be doing you know? I have the opportunity to turn to someone who can help me or I can just continue onto my destructive path...obviously I made the right decisions I called Patrick, as well as a friend of mine... no scolding or anything just a heart of compassion from both.

This week I've found myself going to be booked with appointments things like doctors, counselling, dentist etc.. it's pretty good cause in those ways I am taking care of myself you know? but then there are more simple things like food...sleeping properly... well those things Im finding myself being afraid an having to find some realities in all that... who knows you know? Im just needing to find my space my time, my life... really cause..honestly everything feels at the moment like it's up in smoke an everything I worked so hard for has all vanished before me, because I did what I have to look to something else...not sure what..where. when. or how. but I can't let myself fall into this mindset of failure.. Cause I've found that about that Im coming into a place of where I feel like a failure, everything I am doing is wrong, an once people find out...specific people..well it'll hurt them as it has I just.. feel like a whole lot of nothing... my world is quiet... so cold.. so dark it seems even... being alone in all these moments of weakness...being completely here..alone..vulnerable to the darkness, the beast of my life.. it's not a good I have to find the changes in my life so that Im not staying there...

there is a fear...though..believe me no matter how many times I try an say Im not afraid. that's a part of my life...a huge part of my life..fear has always been in my life, an for so long it's controlled my life, my actions, my reactions, my choices, my responsibilities..etc.. there have been so many things that fear has been a part of in my life...that at times I feel so afraid to even move or breath... either way there's a fear.... a fear of the people... fear of the vulnerability of my heart...the fear of being hurt. the fear of being let down, or letting someone else down. Im working so hard at these things...that fear is becoming so present in my life again, an of course of all things I think the worst of all that's not a good thing...
Fear is such a horrible thing.. well the fear I feel...almost at times makes me not want to make it through this week...a fear of the things to come..a fear of the goodness..a fear of the bad. man alive Im a pretty fearing person of the world... I still have not connected to the world, to anyone, to my family an friends, I've kept my distance an just feel like...Im afraid you know? if I trust myself to be around those people then Im afraid I might do something wrong again an so for now Im keeping EVERYONE at an arm's length for their protection but mainly for my own. I can't deal with my life enough as it is let alone deal with anything anyone wants to tell me..

As difficult as things have difficult as things may get in my this future of mine. im here... I mean I could be doing far worse then how Im doing Im not..Im trying my best to stand by my words, to hear the words of my lady even ..... nevermind.. either way... Im not giving matter what happens in this week I can't give up..I've got to fight for my life an although there is a tremble in my voice, a fear of this choice...decision...I can't let my life go back to what it was... I can't... an right now even if all these choices have already been made, it's a choice to not let those decisions guide my future..because I would just go back to where I was. an that's not what I want to do...until I find a better way this is where I am!


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