I must admit I have no idea what I was thinking today...I found myself roaming through the East side of vancouver..getting tips about bad areas and turfs here in our little hell world...
I was sharing stories about when I was a kid...seeing my dad..waiting for my mom..and everything... I watched as woman and men staggered through the streets, as men and woman on their knees looking for little pieces of crack between streets... I seen men get all rattled up about nothing and start hitting eachother for really no reason....
the only goodness about my day...was that I know most of the people that regularly come out meaning like the sky train people, and the VPD...Not that I ever met them in a bad way...but that I have gotten to know some of them.. and yeah I never been a bad person..I just found myself often at the wrong places at the wrong times...
I met a man...someone I knew when my father was alive...he used to be the biggest coolest man living around here..he was my hero...lol.. when my dad died that was the only man that cared for us..he took care of us...and he watched out for us...and it was amazing to see him again but I'll bet he wondered what I was doing on those streets...
I watched..and walked around...looking at family members drinking their lives away... knowing this is one of the many first start overs again and again for me... I quit drinking like that not that it was extreme problem but I realizing more and more at the end of the day...where has my money gone?
I have to buy so many things and I've said to my brothers and sisters the things I'll buy them.. and I keep my word...apparently my word when i say it...it's set in stone...although if Im under the influence my words are just stupid... that's why I quit drinking...
I ended up just walking around streets of the worst parts..most of the evening..and headed up to Broadway and chilled for a bit..met up with some people..but I left because I told one of my friends I'd be back...I never ended up finding him...which was really sad considering how cold it was outside tonight..I was heading home and seen one of my other friends staggering on the street so I went back to the skytrain to go and help him out...never found him...but alot of stuff happened tonight...alot of people started alot of stuff..and yes I was a little worried for myself.. but I knew that I'd somehow be alright and that I will make it home...
but it was hard seeing that you know? all these people...all these addictions... all that pain... I couldn't believe it you know?
the greatest part of my day..was seeing my little cousins... I went out to see them it was totally by fluke that I remembered and happened to be in the area..and I just hung out with them. I got nothing but love for those boys..those babies...so young...so precious... and Elijah the youngest one he totally loves me...he remembers me everytime I come out...I always make try my best to make it out...and everytime I do..the whole world is gone...all's I got is to care for this little one.. give him love..and just have fun....like being a kid again...it was wierd though...
We ended up just getting into the resturant when it started hailing outside...it was hailing, thunder and lightning and it looked like snow too...it totally caught everyone off guard..I was so glad to be inside...but when I did go out I had been out all of like 6hrs walking in the cold.. believe me Im exhausted yet again...but I hope that these late nights of hanging with my friends will come to an end..Im just really glad they respect my decision to stop drinking... no one has to follow my footsteps on that you know? it's not hard to quit...I know how it is to enjoy that stuff, but i also seen the hurt and the effects of that stuff too...and in the long run it ain't worth it to me...
I'd rather enjoy my moments in life...I'd rather remember these important moments in my life.. and I'd rather spend it with people who bring great happiness and joy in life...not just wanting another drink...I dont like that and I can't believe that...Im glad that I did not allow myself to become like that...I always am careful...
but tonight I was pretty much taking care of everyone..but I ended up having to be in like five different places at once..and running around the streets looking for some people making sure they were alright..
Anyhow...it was a long long long day...and it was very eventful...but nothing extremly great happened although Erik my little cousin got his hair cut...he was so brave..so cute..and he looks even better then before...him and his beautiful smile..can't believe I have to wait a whole week before I see him again....
ok time for bed IM so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open...
goodnight
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Time to quit
Its official because I said so...I decided that I've done nothing but destruction in my life since I started drinking...so tonight after a hurtful crazy night lastnight that it's time for me to just let that go...I dont need to be drinking and being out with people like that...it's pointless and has taken every cent I made and yet...I still did it...
It did nothing but mess up my relationship...I was with someone and it ended because I was drinking....I have bruises and scars on my body from many helpless nights of being broken and hurt...and just tonight being out just realizing what am I really doing you know? I really have made a mess of everything...I told my mentor and friend Dave what happened and he was blown away because no one here knows me that hurt ever...and so I just done with that... I dont want to hurt anyone or myself anymore...I know it'll be hard because I'll be going through alot of emotions and stuff...but I know that alcohol is the answer..Im so much better then that you know?
so the last few days have not been fun...I came home drunk lastnight...and I was sad...and I just am not happy the way I acted lastnight but it's alright because Im now done with that life...Im not going to allow myself to fall apart like that...I can do so much better then this and being in that life is not helping me....
tomorrow..or today is a new day...I'll be going shopping, buying my brothers and sisters stuff.. buying my clothes...and just enjoying life..if it's not raining call up my home girl and just go chill somewhere..go see a movie or go for dinner...
But im done for self-destruction...Im done for hurting that way...I mean I have fun all the time but Im not really up for that kind of stuff anymore...
I made lots of friends while drinking but I don't know if they will be there after they hear that Im quitting...I mean the other night cops stopped me and I was just chillin with them..and all my people were like what was that all about...I mean I've met some of the cops here in Vancouver and it wasn't on good terms but I've never really started anything that would cause them to come after me..I just been hanging with people who become extremly violent when they are drinking...
I dont know if Im crazy...I dont know what's going to happen in my life..I don't even know what to go to College for...Im more worried I wouldn't make it at trying to be a police officer because of the damage I've done in myself..in my life...I mean I dont want to be messed up I want to make it as something and I dont think that a police officer will be the right path for me because I dont think I can actually do it...physically or mentally..I have so much history of violence and just history of things...Im not sure I can do it... so I will have to see how it goes..and start looking at some other options I can do in my life to become something...but I really do want to go to College..
anyhow...
it'll be good for me to be home more often...probably buy my brothers and sisters this game they want and play it all night tomorrow night or tonight...spend some quality time with my babies because I love them to pieces...and they don't need to ever see me like that again...i never want to see my like that either...
ttyl
It did nothing but mess up my relationship...I was with someone and it ended because I was drinking....I have bruises and scars on my body from many helpless nights of being broken and hurt...and just tonight being out just realizing what am I really doing you know? I really have made a mess of everything...I told my mentor and friend Dave what happened and he was blown away because no one here knows me that hurt ever...and so I just done with that... I dont want to hurt anyone or myself anymore...I know it'll be hard because I'll be going through alot of emotions and stuff...but I know that alcohol is the answer..Im so much better then that you know?
so the last few days have not been fun...I came home drunk lastnight...and I was sad...and I just am not happy the way I acted lastnight but it's alright because Im now done with that life...Im not going to allow myself to fall apart like that...I can do so much better then this and being in that life is not helping me....
tomorrow..or today is a new day...I'll be going shopping, buying my brothers and sisters stuff.. buying my clothes...and just enjoying life..if it's not raining call up my home girl and just go chill somewhere..go see a movie or go for dinner...
But im done for self-destruction...Im done for hurting that way...I mean I have fun all the time but Im not really up for that kind of stuff anymore...
I made lots of friends while drinking but I don't know if they will be there after they hear that Im quitting...I mean the other night cops stopped me and I was just chillin with them..and all my people were like what was that all about...I mean I've met some of the cops here in Vancouver and it wasn't on good terms but I've never really started anything that would cause them to come after me..I just been hanging with people who become extremly violent when they are drinking...
I dont know if Im crazy...I dont know what's going to happen in my life..I don't even know what to go to College for...Im more worried I wouldn't make it at trying to be a police officer because of the damage I've done in myself..in my life...I mean I dont want to be messed up I want to make it as something and I dont think that a police officer will be the right path for me because I dont think I can actually do it...physically or mentally..I have so much history of violence and just history of things...Im not sure I can do it... so I will have to see how it goes..and start looking at some other options I can do in my life to become something...but I really do want to go to College..
anyhow...
it'll be good for me to be home more often...probably buy my brothers and sisters this game they want and play it all night tomorrow night or tonight...spend some quality time with my babies because I love them to pieces...and they don't need to ever see me like that again...i never want to see my like that either...
ttyl
Sunday, March 23, 2008
just to rest
I went right to bed rightaway last night I was so tired it was so awkward to be that tired after not sleeping that much.
I woke up so much pain I could hardly believe how much pain my body has been in..I feel like i was in a fight all night long. I struggled with trying to get my body in motion.. I was doing laundry, cleaning and just chilling with my family all day today.. i really just want to rest and just try and think with a clear mind you know?
But I've found myself only thinking of one person...
Im not sure how to get things figured out you know? I love the life of being out with these boys and just chillin outside and just hanging out...talking about random things..
I was thinking about something someone commented..about starting over again and again.. I was thinking you know...it's almost like I don't have any more 'starting over's' left.. things have been so crazy and so everything...it's been fun..but Im also not young anymore..and I have alot of plans for my life now you know? I mean years ago I was struggling just to figure out what I wanted to do with my life..and now I know and have decided and hope that things will be alright with that..I mean the only thing stopping me now is just the drama in my life..or history stuff.. I mean I know I can do anything I put my mind too..recently read a quote which I knew where it was from but it said
"My will shall shape the future. whether I fair or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be the lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibily; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
Im not sure but to me it sounds like everything is up to me lol...if I fail in my life it's my own fault.. if anything is anything it's all up to me you know? I mean looking at my life and the idea of the future...kinda seems like there are more blocks getting in my way to a tremendous future. and when someone said to start over again..I could not imagine up and leaving again..after everything that's happened..I mean apart from some problems Im happy.. i've got people who are friends, I've got family close by..and people that are inspiring me..supporting me and being there for me..where else can I go that has that kinda love for me?
I mean don't get me wrong there are many things I wish I hadn't done since coming back but do I regret those things not really..but if in the future things work out this way that I want it too it might jeopordize my future..
I've thought about a lot of things that I've been doing and Im not sure I can do it...I think I might have to talk to my mentor and see what he says about what I've been doing..and hope that everything will be alright..if not then I'll have to reevaluate my future and the choices that Im making in this present time...
Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I mean I come back with the intention to be strong, and unashamed, and unafraid of these things that happened here in the past..and believe me Im not afraid of anything anymore...but Im not strong...Ive become as weak as I was when I left the only difference is that Im stronger... meaning..physically and that's about it..but I have more strength to protecting myself...then I did when I had left...as for emotionally..well the old habits of anger have come back into my life..I wish I could show you the scars, and bruises I now have on my body from the violent outrages I have every so often...
it suprised me when all my homies told me that I'd be able to hurt anyone..that I'd be unafraid to do so to someone else..that was crazy..I mean yeah..the other night I was helping my family by keeping people away from everyone but the fact that people actually think I can bring real pain to someone else..says alot about what I've become since moving back.. I mean in Ontario it was great and yes some people might have been afraid of me...but to have people really afraid of me here in Vancouver...once that smile comes off my face everyone's thinking they had done something wrong...and when they try and start something with my family members anyone of them..Im the first one up and out the door...
I mean Im not even a guy..and yet if someone had problems with my homeboys or my cousins I'd be there no problem..but at the same time..isn't that what most people would do? Im not sure.. but to me that's what I would do...that's what I have always done..I mean when Jeff got bullied at school I was there with my brother the next day...but not with the intention to hurt, it was just showing that my brother's not lying he does have an older brother and sister...we would never have done anything..I just want to be my brothers bodyguard... I'd take anything for anyone in my family..
I mean the other night my cousin..she was extremly angry. and I had to pin her down..and she was biting me..and all's I kept saying was "this is for Dilon" I mean I love that boy to death and if I had to take a beating for him so that he can stay inside then I did and would do it all over again..
I dont know what Im saying really..I've lost myself in the thoughts of my own mind... Im just extremly suprised that people would think I'd hurt someone..and even then my homegirls and my woman they think that I'll one day hurt them or something..but I would never lay my hands on any of them... I have nothing but love for my people..but I dont know..who really knows you know? lots of people say that if there was violence against a child or something then there's bond to become a violent person themselves..but really..I dont see myself ever starting something with someone unless there was a really good reason...
either way starting over again..again is not an option..improving my lifestyle now is an option and something Im strongly considering because I want to make things right in my life..and this is not helping to be and do what Im doing...it's fun yes but all fun like this has to come to an end or else I'll end up somewhere I can not even imagine or begin to try and write about...
lots of thoughts..but have to sleep again
I woke up so much pain I could hardly believe how much pain my body has been in..I feel like i was in a fight all night long. I struggled with trying to get my body in motion.. I was doing laundry, cleaning and just chilling with my family all day today.. i really just want to rest and just try and think with a clear mind you know?
But I've found myself only thinking of one person...
Im not sure how to get things figured out you know? I love the life of being out with these boys and just chillin outside and just hanging out...talking about random things..
I was thinking about something someone commented..about starting over again and again.. I was thinking you know...it's almost like I don't have any more 'starting over's' left.. things have been so crazy and so everything...it's been fun..but Im also not young anymore..and I have alot of plans for my life now you know? I mean years ago I was struggling just to figure out what I wanted to do with my life..and now I know and have decided and hope that things will be alright with that..I mean the only thing stopping me now is just the drama in my life..or history stuff.. I mean I know I can do anything I put my mind too..recently read a quote which I knew where it was from but it said
"My will shall shape the future. whether I fair or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be the lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibily; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
Im not sure but to me it sounds like everything is up to me lol...if I fail in my life it's my own fault.. if anything is anything it's all up to me you know? I mean looking at my life and the idea of the future...kinda seems like there are more blocks getting in my way to a tremendous future. and when someone said to start over again..I could not imagine up and leaving again..after everything that's happened..I mean apart from some problems Im happy.. i've got people who are friends, I've got family close by..and people that are inspiring me..supporting me and being there for me..where else can I go that has that kinda love for me?
I mean don't get me wrong there are many things I wish I hadn't done since coming back but do I regret those things not really..but if in the future things work out this way that I want it too it might jeopordize my future..
I've thought about a lot of things that I've been doing and Im not sure I can do it...I think I might have to talk to my mentor and see what he says about what I've been doing..and hope that everything will be alright..if not then I'll have to reevaluate my future and the choices that Im making in this present time...
Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I mean I come back with the intention to be strong, and unashamed, and unafraid of these things that happened here in the past..and believe me Im not afraid of anything anymore...but Im not strong...Ive become as weak as I was when I left the only difference is that Im stronger... meaning..physically and that's about it..but I have more strength to protecting myself...then I did when I had left...as for emotionally..well the old habits of anger have come back into my life..I wish I could show you the scars, and bruises I now have on my body from the violent outrages I have every so often...
it suprised me when all my homies told me that I'd be able to hurt anyone..that I'd be unafraid to do so to someone else..that was crazy..I mean yeah..the other night I was helping my family by keeping people away from everyone but the fact that people actually think I can bring real pain to someone else..says alot about what I've become since moving back.. I mean in Ontario it was great and yes some people might have been afraid of me...but to have people really afraid of me here in Vancouver...once that smile comes off my face everyone's thinking they had done something wrong...and when they try and start something with my family members anyone of them..Im the first one up and out the door...
I mean Im not even a guy..and yet if someone had problems with my homeboys or my cousins I'd be there no problem..but at the same time..isn't that what most people would do? Im not sure.. but to me that's what I would do...that's what I have always done..I mean when Jeff got bullied at school I was there with my brother the next day...but not with the intention to hurt, it was just showing that my brother's not lying he does have an older brother and sister...we would never have done anything..I just want to be my brothers bodyguard... I'd take anything for anyone in my family..
I mean the other night my cousin..she was extremly angry. and I had to pin her down..and she was biting me..and all's I kept saying was "this is for Dilon" I mean I love that boy to death and if I had to take a beating for him so that he can stay inside then I did and would do it all over again..
I dont know what Im saying really..I've lost myself in the thoughts of my own mind... Im just extremly suprised that people would think I'd hurt someone..and even then my homegirls and my woman they think that I'll one day hurt them or something..but I would never lay my hands on any of them... I have nothing but love for my people..but I dont know..who really knows you know? lots of people say that if there was violence against a child or something then there's bond to become a violent person themselves..but really..I dont see myself ever starting something with someone unless there was a really good reason...
either way starting over again..again is not an option..improving my lifestyle now is an option and something Im strongly considering because I want to make things right in my life..and this is not helping to be and do what Im doing...it's fun yes but all fun like this has to come to an end or else I'll end up somewhere I can not even imagine or begin to try and write about...
lots of thoughts..but have to sleep again
Saturday, March 22, 2008
im broken
As I walked home from a crazy night...I couldn't believe how beautiful Vancouver is..everyday Im always amazed at this beautiful city..walking home and just seeing those mountains and just viewing the city..it's an amazing thing...
along with that though the thoughts of what am I really doing with my life? this last week I spent over buying liqour almost or pretty much everyday...........most of the time I didn't always drink it to get drunk but I also hardly ever drank either..it's hard to look at the person I've become...
lastnight I was pulling people off left and right because people were trying to get into fights and I had to try help pull that stuff off...an i also had to stand in front of people because people around here have alot of respect for me..which is awesome..I mean even then I was like "WHAT, WHAT" you wanna try start something with me..and everyone backed down...just because it's me lol..
I was hoping to get some things done today but I honestly only got like two hours of sleep..and just been lazing around with no where to sleep..no food..just liqour..so i left to come back to my mom's...my intention is to try my best to at least wait a week before I start drinking again..it was never about me having the money to drink it was everyone wanting me to come out.. only when Im happy Im the life of the party...but other times.. like lastnight..people were afraid of me..and did not want to try and come up against me..I woke up with bruises from random things, and cuts and stuff...not from anyone but my family lol..my cousins crazy people!
my list as far as I know..I have to get ahold of the work that I was at in Ontario for that one week. I have to get my hands on a tax return for Ontairo..and then I have to look at College to see what I want to apply for..also have to go down adn see if I can volunteer at that place..
im hoping all this will only take me a week...at least that way I can say I've accomplished some things rather then always being out with my cousins, homeboys..or my homegirl..
anyhow...
thoughts wise...well..there's a lot of crazy stuff going down in my mind..Im always afraid that Im going to do something or act in a way that I can't even tell you...I mean the more I'm noticing how violent Im becoming...its not just the alcohol but it's the people Im hanging around..today my homeboys were telling me that Im a big ass person who can take on anyone, and that Im fearless.. I wish that I believed that I wish that i could be that way but it's not that way..
if not that..I was thinking about God...first time in a while...but I not sure what to believe about that anymore..and I feel bad saying that because all the love he had for me...or has for me.. but there's just so many open wounds from deciding to be in Ontario...that place apart from being amazing and where I needed to be..it also was only wounds for me too...coming back here..is hard on everyone...and even me...
I have no problems with anyone..but to have the church gone, to have no one that's a christian in my life..or have any positive influences around anymore..it makes it more easier to go meet up with my homies then hang out or wait around for anyone else...
I just to get a job going...get things rolling in my life that way I dont have to even have the time to do this sort of stuff too...that's my other plan to go deal with my resume and everything
listen man alive I have more and more on my mind...but Im freakin exhausted...I just need to sleep..and write when im well rested...
night
along with that though the thoughts of what am I really doing with my life? this last week I spent over buying liqour almost or pretty much everyday...........most of the time I didn't always drink it to get drunk but I also hardly ever drank either..it's hard to look at the person I've become...
lastnight I was pulling people off left and right because people were trying to get into fights and I had to try help pull that stuff off...an i also had to stand in front of people because people around here have alot of respect for me..which is awesome..I mean even then I was like "WHAT, WHAT" you wanna try start something with me..and everyone backed down...just because it's me lol..
I was hoping to get some things done today but I honestly only got like two hours of sleep..and just been lazing around with no where to sleep..no food..just liqour..so i left to come back to my mom's...my intention is to try my best to at least wait a week before I start drinking again..it was never about me having the money to drink it was everyone wanting me to come out.. only when Im happy Im the life of the party...but other times.. like lastnight..people were afraid of me..and did not want to try and come up against me..I woke up with bruises from random things, and cuts and stuff...not from anyone but my family lol..my cousins crazy people!
my list as far as I know..I have to get ahold of the work that I was at in Ontario for that one week. I have to get my hands on a tax return for Ontairo..and then I have to look at College to see what I want to apply for..also have to go down adn see if I can volunteer at that place..
im hoping all this will only take me a week...at least that way I can say I've accomplished some things rather then always being out with my cousins, homeboys..or my homegirl..
anyhow...
thoughts wise...well..there's a lot of crazy stuff going down in my mind..Im always afraid that Im going to do something or act in a way that I can't even tell you...I mean the more I'm noticing how violent Im becoming...its not just the alcohol but it's the people Im hanging around..today my homeboys were telling me that Im a big ass person who can take on anyone, and that Im fearless.. I wish that I believed that I wish that i could be that way but it's not that way..
if not that..I was thinking about God...first time in a while...but I not sure what to believe about that anymore..and I feel bad saying that because all the love he had for me...or has for me.. but there's just so many open wounds from deciding to be in Ontario...that place apart from being amazing and where I needed to be..it also was only wounds for me too...coming back here..is hard on everyone...and even me...
I have no problems with anyone..but to have the church gone, to have no one that's a christian in my life..or have any positive influences around anymore..it makes it more easier to go meet up with my homies then hang out or wait around for anyone else...
I just to get a job going...get things rolling in my life that way I dont have to even have the time to do this sort of stuff too...that's my other plan to go deal with my resume and everything
listen man alive I have more and more on my mind...but Im freakin exhausted...I just need to sleep..and write when im well rested...
night
Thursday, March 20, 2008
just the beginning
what does it mean to be broken? I've always been afraid of that you know? I mean my couselor when she heard that I cried the one day for about a second it truly suprised her... and I thought wow am I really that hardcore?
I mean when I was in Ontario at NLGH I was all about pouring out everything before God and doing all that stuff you know...and now all of a sudden I got things going differently so much more differently here in Vancouver..who knows whats really going on..
I've been meeting people...people who have so much respect for me..who have my back if anything ever happened to me..or who are there when the worst possible moments in my life are happening..well we don't have very many of those moments... but the other day was my father's what would have been my father's 46th birthday... I handled it well.. but I had planned on going out for a drink with my homeboy and some friends..but it didn't work out because I couldn't get any money...
my brother came home pissed off because he needed money.. so since I didn't have enough money for anything I just threw my money at my brother and said whatever...and then I ended up going out even then...my homeboy called me out for a 60 pounder.. they were all kind enough to pour some of that stuff out for my father..it meant the world to me...
however...more and more each day Im realizing..the lies I've come to believe..the things that aren't true are made true right before me...
I've become what I didn't want to be...I no longer spend ANY of my time at home because it's only stress here..and I never get things going..I try and try and fail, and am conquered by the fact these kids don't want structure if they did they'd do better than this.. so I go out as often and pretty much everyday.. and normally Im out drinking...but the thing with me is that I never allow myself to get drunk...I always feel like a mother because I always am looking after everyone else, and if not that then I want to be straight for myself...I dont want to ever come back to my mom's acting foolishly..
I had lost my appetite for so long..but now Im constantly hungry..Im not sure what that's all about because Im worried..sometimes I'll go a week without eating and other times I'll eat till I feel like getting sick...
im supposed to apply to College but Im not sure what to apply for..Im supposed to be jogging and working out..and everything...instead my homeboy or my homegirl or my girl..they call me up and invite me out for whatever...and I always want to say no...but I can't...just to get out of here..just to breath air...get away from nagging children, away from them...it really is what I love..and Im sad to say I don't think I want children you know...I mean last year when I was with the guy in Ontario..I wanted children..I mean I love young children..like Jordan, Dilon, Erik, or Elijah..but other then that I dont think I'd ever want children..I honestly can't stand them after a while..my counselor says it's that time where my brothers and sisters will be going through the teenage years..and I just want to bah... I just get too stressed trying to deal with them.
As for how I've been..well I've been away alot...travelling the beautiful streets of Vancouver, bumping into old flames, old childhood friends...and drinking...
My counselor and I talked about my mom... when Mary was my counselor almost four years ago.. she had helped me understand my mom..she helped me forgive my mom... and yet.. four years later...I've lost some respect for her..the only reason is that she never told me what happened to my youngest sister..and that eats away at me everytime I talk to her..because I just think what else is she holding back from me you know? everyone is always saying she did it to protect you, she knew what you would do for what happened...and yet...do you really know? do I even really know what would have happened..no I don't.. I dont just as much as anyone who knows me as much as they say they would know...no one really knows..and maybe God knew.. maybe it was him that helped my mom not tell me..knowing Ontario was the best thing that could ever happen to me...it saved me...and i could have walked the line but no...not being here.. Im trying walk back up this stuff as a woman..but it's not easy...
lots of people...are noticing the anger I got in my heart... the bruises on my knuckles, the scars on my arm..on my side... Im all about pain.. and all about not knowing how to deal with feelings.. not knowing who to trust, and what to do...I've become this I dont know.. I dont even know how to explain what I've become..and Im scared to see it you know? so many of my friends are rooting for greatness to come out of me...and I got so many people hoping I make it..believeing I'll make it...but at the same time.. give me a moment to myself..and I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that I've been having... we all joke around about it..we all act like whatever..but really leave me in a room for too long and I'm gonna contemplate the worst thing ever because I have never felt so broken..never felt so wounded..so hurt..so ready to I dont even know what it is you know?
anger...has become my life..has become the new face of me again.... more stronger, more taller, and more fearless then before...and I got this respect from people, I got people who really care about me and I probably only met them a couple weeks ago...and yet their there...how crazy is that? now you ask me where my people are...those people who once were there nearly ten years ago?
well I can't even or don't even want to get into that... things change and more and more I see that.. and Im alright with that because you know...growing..letting things go...that's all about this life now you know?
either way my homeboy called me up I gotta go meet up with him...but Im glad to be writing.. i hardly have time or am straight enough to be able to say anything...but Im glad to be writing that's all I know...it means alot to do that...
anyhow
gotta go
I mean when I was in Ontario at NLGH I was all about pouring out everything before God and doing all that stuff you know...and now all of a sudden I got things going differently so much more differently here in Vancouver..who knows whats really going on..
I've been meeting people...people who have so much respect for me..who have my back if anything ever happened to me..or who are there when the worst possible moments in my life are happening..well we don't have very many of those moments... but the other day was my father's what would have been my father's 46th birthday... I handled it well.. but I had planned on going out for a drink with my homeboy and some friends..but it didn't work out because I couldn't get any money...
my brother came home pissed off because he needed money.. so since I didn't have enough money for anything I just threw my money at my brother and said whatever...and then I ended up going out even then...my homeboy called me out for a 60 pounder.. they were all kind enough to pour some of that stuff out for my father..it meant the world to me...
however...more and more each day Im realizing..the lies I've come to believe..the things that aren't true are made true right before me...
I've become what I didn't want to be...I no longer spend ANY of my time at home because it's only stress here..and I never get things going..I try and try and fail, and am conquered by the fact these kids don't want structure if they did they'd do better than this.. so I go out as often and pretty much everyday.. and normally Im out drinking...but the thing with me is that I never allow myself to get drunk...I always feel like a mother because I always am looking after everyone else, and if not that then I want to be straight for myself...I dont want to ever come back to my mom's acting foolishly..
I had lost my appetite for so long..but now Im constantly hungry..Im not sure what that's all about because Im worried..sometimes I'll go a week without eating and other times I'll eat till I feel like getting sick...
im supposed to apply to College but Im not sure what to apply for..Im supposed to be jogging and working out..and everything...instead my homeboy or my homegirl or my girl..they call me up and invite me out for whatever...and I always want to say no...but I can't...just to get out of here..just to breath air...get away from nagging children, away from them...it really is what I love..and Im sad to say I don't think I want children you know...I mean last year when I was with the guy in Ontario..I wanted children..I mean I love young children..like Jordan, Dilon, Erik, or Elijah..but other then that I dont think I'd ever want children..I honestly can't stand them after a while..my counselor says it's that time where my brothers and sisters will be going through the teenage years..and I just want to bah... I just get too stressed trying to deal with them.
As for how I've been..well I've been away alot...travelling the beautiful streets of Vancouver, bumping into old flames, old childhood friends...and drinking...
My counselor and I talked about my mom... when Mary was my counselor almost four years ago.. she had helped me understand my mom..she helped me forgive my mom... and yet.. four years later...I've lost some respect for her..the only reason is that she never told me what happened to my youngest sister..and that eats away at me everytime I talk to her..because I just think what else is she holding back from me you know? everyone is always saying she did it to protect you, she knew what you would do for what happened...and yet...do you really know? do I even really know what would have happened..no I don't.. I dont just as much as anyone who knows me as much as they say they would know...no one really knows..and maybe God knew.. maybe it was him that helped my mom not tell me..knowing Ontario was the best thing that could ever happen to me...it saved me...and i could have walked the line but no...not being here.. Im trying walk back up this stuff as a woman..but it's not easy...
lots of people...are noticing the anger I got in my heart... the bruises on my knuckles, the scars on my arm..on my side... Im all about pain.. and all about not knowing how to deal with feelings.. not knowing who to trust, and what to do...I've become this I dont know.. I dont even know how to explain what I've become..and Im scared to see it you know? so many of my friends are rooting for greatness to come out of me...and I got so many people hoping I make it..believeing I'll make it...but at the same time.. give me a moment to myself..and I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that I've been having... we all joke around about it..we all act like whatever..but really leave me in a room for too long and I'm gonna contemplate the worst thing ever because I have never felt so broken..never felt so wounded..so hurt..so ready to I dont even know what it is you know?
anger...has become my life..has become the new face of me again.... more stronger, more taller, and more fearless then before...and I got this respect from people, I got people who really care about me and I probably only met them a couple weeks ago...and yet their there...how crazy is that? now you ask me where my people are...those people who once were there nearly ten years ago?
well I can't even or don't even want to get into that... things change and more and more I see that.. and Im alright with that because you know...growing..letting things go...that's all about this life now you know?
either way my homeboy called me up I gotta go meet up with him...but Im glad to be writing.. i hardly have time or am straight enough to be able to say anything...but Im glad to be writing that's all I know...it means alot to do that...
anyhow
gotta go
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
better than this
I'm fairly emotional at the moment...cotemplating the truth of what I should really say on something like this...something made public...something that my dear friends read sometimes.. but if I don't write it all down I think I'll continue to lose my mind, lose my life..not literally my life but the person I was created to be, the person I've lost since moving back to Vancouver.
I thought moving back would be the right idea and going to become a cop was my goal and nothing would distract me from that..nothing, no one, and no business no drama..no nothing!
sadly not true...sadly not true...sadly not true.
It's been a very difficult time for me to live here..and the more I stay the more I find myself sinking into myself..sinking in the deep utter darkness of hopelessness..not having my friends with me, not being involved in a church or anything...has really taken a toll on my life..and I know the only way that would change is if I make the step to go forward..but I have something, someone that's holding me back..because if I go to do that life then I'll be leaving someone behind.. someone I dont know... I dont know what to do...and Im really frustrated that I allowed myself to get messed up in all of this...
I was remembering the person I used to be...the praise God person...thanking him for my life and just praising him through all this pain..praising him because he sends people in our lives for a specific reason and purpose.. and remembering the love that I had felt, the love I feel even though i try not to feel it even now...the heart that i had to bring greatness to those around me.. the love that I had for people..the encouraging heart, the giving person I was... it's hard to think that I actually lost all of that...that I've allowed myself to come away from that.. to come back here and live a life that's not even worthy of talking about...hiding in my room feeling terrible.. and there's no reason for me to have this self-pity talk because I really don't care..I just can't believe what im doing with my life.. I can't believe that someone like me would believe that I could make it you know?
to think of one day becoming someone others would look up too..someone that's strong and confident and someone that's able to lead people...right now I can't lead anything.. I just want to hide in a room and just be away from everything..to sit quietly with my thoughts, to write.. to love.. my writing...to not continue to put off my stories..I never finished my one story and I haven't found time or patience to sit and do it..I never have time to myself..
I've not been to the ocean, well except today..we drove through stanley park..hiked at lynn valley and it was wonderful.. but that's something I want to do alone you know? Like an artist sitting in their own little place drawing, I need to find a place to do that for myself because i need to be writing..I need this release of everything.
I dont know what i've been thinking you know? thinking that next tuesday is or would have been my father's birthday..Im supposed to runaway and drink like mad because Im celebrating his birthday..yet Im not up for it..if not that then the end of this month the court date is coming up and Im worried you know? lots of people telling me different stories..he will serve time, he won't serve time...and if not that then my relaitonship situation is really becoming complicated and it's not been fun for me..it was and has its moments but I've found myself..more foolish then I should be..and I don't know how to step back from this..and I dont know if I could even do it you know?
maybe I'll go spend some time with my uncle..because I need to get out of the city..I need to clear my head..and I need to figure this all out because Im losing my mind..doing things i wish I wouldn't, feeling foolish and just childish...and I don't like that...
it's been a long time since i felt unappreicated and inadequate and Im not even sure how to feel that..or let that pass me by you know? because I don't deserve to feel this way..so many people who have known me for years tell me that Im awesome..that Im a survivor and yet it seems I can hardly survive this you know? I can't make it through...
but then each day you'll catch me..looking at my brothers and sisters and remembering this is why Im alive..this is why I HAVE TO MAKE IT! I Have to fight..iI have to survive all of this garbage, I have to stand regardless that so many things are trying to push me down, so many things are trying to hold me back...it's time for me to look past this and just grow you know?
Im awesome..I have talent.and I have a hope and future..I have felt and tasted God's love and yet still struggle to turn to him..struggle to feel worthy of his love..and I know no one is really worthy of that because he just has compassion on us..and just blah blah...but I guess it's shame I guess Im just struggling with that..i wonder if we ever really get over that you know? ever get to the point of knowing we deserve his love, and have him in our lives.. Im not sure.. I have been gone for so long...
Im extremly tired..but I have so much on my mind..but I guess I should go to bed...
thankfully have counselling in the morning..not sure what I should talk about and I really hope that I don't fall apart because I always hate it when that happens...it really is difficult for me to do that you know?
anyhow it's all A wait and see..and I hope that things just try and get better..try and look at tomorrow as a new day...not the end..it's just the beginning of greatness....that's what I have to believe or else I don't think I'd ever make it through it all you know?
good night
"Better Than Me" lyrics
I think you can do much better than me After all the lies that I made you believe Guilt kicks in and I start to seeThe edge of the bedWhere your nightgown used to beI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meWhile looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I tookThat you were looking forIf there's one memory I don't want to loseThat time at the mallYou and me in the dressing roomI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meThe bed I'm lying in is getting colderWish I never would've said it's overAnd I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm olderCause we never really had our closureThis can't be the endI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than me(And I think you should know this)(You deserve much better than me)
I thought moving back would be the right idea and going to become a cop was my goal and nothing would distract me from that..nothing, no one, and no business no drama..no nothing!
sadly not true...sadly not true...sadly not true.
It's been a very difficult time for me to live here..and the more I stay the more I find myself sinking into myself..sinking in the deep utter darkness of hopelessness..not having my friends with me, not being involved in a church or anything...has really taken a toll on my life..and I know the only way that would change is if I make the step to go forward..but I have something, someone that's holding me back..because if I go to do that life then I'll be leaving someone behind.. someone I dont know... I dont know what to do...and Im really frustrated that I allowed myself to get messed up in all of this...
I was remembering the person I used to be...the praise God person...thanking him for my life and just praising him through all this pain..praising him because he sends people in our lives for a specific reason and purpose.. and remembering the love that I had felt, the love I feel even though i try not to feel it even now...the heart that i had to bring greatness to those around me.. the love that I had for people..the encouraging heart, the giving person I was... it's hard to think that I actually lost all of that...that I've allowed myself to come away from that.. to come back here and live a life that's not even worthy of talking about...hiding in my room feeling terrible.. and there's no reason for me to have this self-pity talk because I really don't care..I just can't believe what im doing with my life.. I can't believe that someone like me would believe that I could make it you know?
to think of one day becoming someone others would look up too..someone that's strong and confident and someone that's able to lead people...right now I can't lead anything.. I just want to hide in a room and just be away from everything..to sit quietly with my thoughts, to write.. to love.. my writing...to not continue to put off my stories..I never finished my one story and I haven't found time or patience to sit and do it..I never have time to myself..
I've not been to the ocean, well except today..we drove through stanley park..hiked at lynn valley and it was wonderful.. but that's something I want to do alone you know? Like an artist sitting in their own little place drawing, I need to find a place to do that for myself because i need to be writing..I need this release of everything.
I dont know what i've been thinking you know? thinking that next tuesday is or would have been my father's birthday..Im supposed to runaway and drink like mad because Im celebrating his birthday..yet Im not up for it..if not that then the end of this month the court date is coming up and Im worried you know? lots of people telling me different stories..he will serve time, he won't serve time...and if not that then my relaitonship situation is really becoming complicated and it's not been fun for me..it was and has its moments but I've found myself..more foolish then I should be..and I don't know how to step back from this..and I dont know if I could even do it you know?
maybe I'll go spend some time with my uncle..because I need to get out of the city..I need to clear my head..and I need to figure this all out because Im losing my mind..doing things i wish I wouldn't, feeling foolish and just childish...and I don't like that...
it's been a long time since i felt unappreicated and inadequate and Im not even sure how to feel that..or let that pass me by you know? because I don't deserve to feel this way..so many people who have known me for years tell me that Im awesome..that Im a survivor and yet it seems I can hardly survive this you know? I can't make it through...
but then each day you'll catch me..looking at my brothers and sisters and remembering this is why Im alive..this is why I HAVE TO MAKE IT! I Have to fight..iI have to survive all of this garbage, I have to stand regardless that so many things are trying to push me down, so many things are trying to hold me back...it's time for me to look past this and just grow you know?
Im awesome..I have talent.and I have a hope and future..I have felt and tasted God's love and yet still struggle to turn to him..struggle to feel worthy of his love..and I know no one is really worthy of that because he just has compassion on us..and just blah blah...but I guess it's shame I guess Im just struggling with that..i wonder if we ever really get over that you know? ever get to the point of knowing we deserve his love, and have him in our lives.. Im not sure.. I have been gone for so long...
Im extremly tired..but I have so much on my mind..but I guess I should go to bed...
thankfully have counselling in the morning..not sure what I should talk about and I really hope that I don't fall apart because I always hate it when that happens...it really is difficult for me to do that you know?
anyhow it's all A wait and see..and I hope that things just try and get better..try and look at tomorrow as a new day...not the end..it's just the beginning of greatness....that's what I have to believe or else I don't think I'd ever make it through it all you know?
good night
"Better Than Me" lyrics
I think you can do much better than me After all the lies that I made you believe Guilt kicks in and I start to seeThe edge of the bedWhere your nightgown used to beI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meWhile looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I tookThat you were looking forIf there's one memory I don't want to loseThat time at the mallYou and me in the dressing roomI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meThe bed I'm lying in is getting colderWish I never would've said it's overAnd I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm olderCause we never really had our closureThis can't be the endI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than me(And I think you should know this)(You deserve much better than me)
Monday, March 10, 2008
Lately
It seems difficult to think of what my future will look like you know? with all these options and all these opportunities Im hardly sure of where to even begin looking. I know that I'll be starting to prep up in case I really do want to become a Police officer it seems like a really great idea and because I wanted to do that as a child it kinda is a strong desire..however Im not going to be broken if that doesn't actually happen just because I seem to have so much opporutnity for the future regardless of everything...
its hard to look at that right now though.. I have to find some time to really just think about my options what do I really want to do with my life? I don't want to sign up for something and all of a sudden change my mind half way through it just because that's alot of money going into a future, and if not that then I also have to look at the statistics of the job openings or whatevre for that.. I dont want to try going to school for a job that might not be in need of it you know? I want to be going to school with the opportunity I'll get a job quickly.. I mean it's not often that I think of that you know? Im not really sure what I would like to do with my life..and because of the whole pastor thing not going down the drain but not really being my main goal just because if its a future thing then im wanting to look at now, and wanting to look at things that will benefit my future if I decide or God decides that Pastoring is what i was destined to do..
It's not easy to think like that though..I mean with this last nearly a month or more being here I've gone from strong desires of hate and whatever, to knowing right you know? I mean we all know right and wrong but we also all have a sense of our own what that might be.. and Im not the kinda person to believe that its my job to take things in my own hands, because I really don't want to start a ripple effect of violence in my family.. I love my brothers and sisters to pieces and they know what I would do for them, and there is hardly anything I wouldn't do for them. I want them to have a future...I want them to have a hope..
and yes I have that and Im the example of that..and please don't remind me of that because it constantly crosses my mind every day...will what I decide today effect them? of course it will.. Im not a superhero and Im not magical..Im just me and I've learned to love them, care for them, be there for them...and just be real.. Im not all about the lying, cheating and stealing and trying to get to the top just because I deserve that..Im not high on myself and believe that Im really the person for superhero gigs..Im just me and I don't claim to be anything more....
I started counselling and it's only the first session and alot of stuff came out of me..and it's crazy to think that it was that easy..but I think I have just been exhausted..dying of exhaustion my body is wearing out more, Im eating much less then i've ever done before...Im spending more time sleeping because sometimes I'll ware myself thin because I have so much to do... but counselling has been going pretty good I enjoyed the first session because it was light and simple but deep and yeah... I am glad that I did it..I mean I told the counselor that I had been asked to go into it because of my mother...but the truth is I always find it better for me to be able to talk, to get others peoples outside perspective because I've been known to be dramatic, and a little too out there when it comes to some things..and with everything going on with court and just drama at home...I need something more then writing on this blog...
other then that... well I've been doing pretty good I guess..nothing really bad or really amazingly great has happened to me.. I spent some or alot of time with my cousins doing various things, and learning new things...I was with my girlfriend for a bit and we were catching up on life, and just growing up and stuff because it had been so long since we had seen eachother... its fun when we get to see people from the past and just catch up, as long as we left on good terms.. apparently there are alot of people when I left were deeply offended or very angry..
I tell people now that Im not going to be afraid anymore you know? I mean Im not going to be scared anymore of being hurt or beaten..if someone has a problem from the past with me well Im not going to run anymore, and Im not going to start nothing, or anything. Im not going to allow fear to control my life...I see it in my brother and it's really sad that he feels the way he does and yet...I wonder if I was that way too..but I figure Im not going to be afraid and if I did bad things in the past that deserve that much revenge on me then so be it because nothing will bring me down from my future..I have a future and a hope..and Im going to make it even if I get beaten..I mean Im not trying to be a smartty pants or anything but that Im just not going to allow fear to control and regardless of what happens Im going to make it, I was created to be a survivor..and I will make it through everything..
anyhow completely and utterly exhausted..gotta munch on a snack and head to bed...I've been so tired.
good night
its hard to look at that right now though.. I have to find some time to really just think about my options what do I really want to do with my life? I don't want to sign up for something and all of a sudden change my mind half way through it just because that's alot of money going into a future, and if not that then I also have to look at the statistics of the job openings or whatevre for that.. I dont want to try going to school for a job that might not be in need of it you know? I want to be going to school with the opportunity I'll get a job quickly.. I mean it's not often that I think of that you know? Im not really sure what I would like to do with my life..and because of the whole pastor thing not going down the drain but not really being my main goal just because if its a future thing then im wanting to look at now, and wanting to look at things that will benefit my future if I decide or God decides that Pastoring is what i was destined to do..
It's not easy to think like that though..I mean with this last nearly a month or more being here I've gone from strong desires of hate and whatever, to knowing right you know? I mean we all know right and wrong but we also all have a sense of our own what that might be.. and Im not the kinda person to believe that its my job to take things in my own hands, because I really don't want to start a ripple effect of violence in my family.. I love my brothers and sisters to pieces and they know what I would do for them, and there is hardly anything I wouldn't do for them. I want them to have a future...I want them to have a hope..
and yes I have that and Im the example of that..and please don't remind me of that because it constantly crosses my mind every day...will what I decide today effect them? of course it will.. Im not a superhero and Im not magical..Im just me and I've learned to love them, care for them, be there for them...and just be real.. Im not all about the lying, cheating and stealing and trying to get to the top just because I deserve that..Im not high on myself and believe that Im really the person for superhero gigs..Im just me and I don't claim to be anything more....
I started counselling and it's only the first session and alot of stuff came out of me..and it's crazy to think that it was that easy..but I think I have just been exhausted..dying of exhaustion my body is wearing out more, Im eating much less then i've ever done before...Im spending more time sleeping because sometimes I'll ware myself thin because I have so much to do... but counselling has been going pretty good I enjoyed the first session because it was light and simple but deep and yeah... I am glad that I did it..I mean I told the counselor that I had been asked to go into it because of my mother...but the truth is I always find it better for me to be able to talk, to get others peoples outside perspective because I've been known to be dramatic, and a little too out there when it comes to some things..and with everything going on with court and just drama at home...I need something more then writing on this blog...
other then that... well I've been doing pretty good I guess..nothing really bad or really amazingly great has happened to me.. I spent some or alot of time with my cousins doing various things, and learning new things...I was with my girlfriend for a bit and we were catching up on life, and just growing up and stuff because it had been so long since we had seen eachother... its fun when we get to see people from the past and just catch up, as long as we left on good terms.. apparently there are alot of people when I left were deeply offended or very angry..
I tell people now that Im not going to be afraid anymore you know? I mean Im not going to be scared anymore of being hurt or beaten..if someone has a problem from the past with me well Im not going to run anymore, and Im not going to start nothing, or anything. Im not going to allow fear to control my life...I see it in my brother and it's really sad that he feels the way he does and yet...I wonder if I was that way too..but I figure Im not going to be afraid and if I did bad things in the past that deserve that much revenge on me then so be it because nothing will bring me down from my future..I have a future and a hope..and Im going to make it even if I get beaten..I mean Im not trying to be a smartty pants or anything but that Im just not going to allow fear to control and regardless of what happens Im going to make it, I was created to be a survivor..and I will make it through everything..
anyhow completely and utterly exhausted..gotta munch on a snack and head to bed...I've been so tired.
good night
Friday, March 7, 2008
entered into counselling
I hadn't slept in three days...pretty much.. I spent my three days hanging with my cousins, we were drinking and pretty much having a good time.. I slept two hours each night and that was it. The last place I partied was in Surrey with my oldest cousin and we had a pretty good time, the only reason I didn't sleep is because I didn't actually drink to get drunk and yeah I had to take care of someone that came along.
I know it sounds crazy that this has become my life the the last little while..but it's nothing new and I've got nothing to hide. Im not proud of making these decisions but at the same time Im not doing it to get drunk I'll just have a couple and just chill and laugh my butt off with my cousins and just have fun. I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually got drunk because that's not what drinking is for me..I mean I've been a little tipsy but I've never gone out drinking with the intention to get hammered and black out and everything..
Other then that...well I went to my first counselling session yesterday that's why I had to come home and change and pick up my brother, we both signed up for counselling. I was so freakin tired I was making myself something to eat and it was ten minute wait so I just sat down..and all of a sudden found myself asleep.. it was really crazy..
So as for my counselling well..it was funny because something she said.. I mean when I was in counselling all those years ago... my counselor Mary said that I have a protective shell like a turtle, partly the reason why I love turtles..
and my counselor yesterday said the same thing...and that the reason Im cutting or drinking is because those things keep coming back you know? I mean if it's not my family issues, its mentally Im losing my mind with strong desires to do things I'd never really do.. I mean lots of people say I have the guts to do what needed to be if it ever came to that.. Everyday I find myself sitting around wondering...what would I do?
I mean lots of times I'll be walking around the streets of vancouver and a part of me would be looking out...will he have the balls to drive by me.. if I was walking across the street and seen his car what would I do? if not that if I was on a bus and he rolled up beside me what would I do? I mean there are alot of mixed feelings about that.. and at the same time I'm not always watching out for that because I know regardless I would resist every temptation..just because I've learned better then that
It's not been going so easy...Im not really sure why you know? If it's not my relationship, then it's my family, not my family then it's everything else..it's the guy that looks at my on the skytrain, its someone trying to call me to bother me, it's my sister not cleaning up, my brother not doing his chore..the shower wasn't ready..or just everything. Im always like bah!
The counselor her name is jessica and she said because Im on a melt down to the worst. I've withstood all this pressure and all this garbage here and yet nothing has really changed, and Im the one bringing structure, chores, penalites and plans and security... that's alot for someone like me to take on...especially because Im trying to get my job thing going, and work and then applying for school.. and yeah.. its alot to take on..and I did kinda runaway for those three days and I did drink but I never got drunk..I watched everyone else do that.> I watched them pine around the house looking for loose change for their next 40 pounder...but I didn't do that, I wouldn't do that...drinking for me is not for that...at times it might be but even then it only takes one for me just to relax..I know my limit and I know my drinking..
As for cutting.. well that's a whole different story..that's been my greatest struggle, my greatest weakeness since before everything ever happened.. and yeah.. I mean Im trying my best to stay away from it but at moments you'll catch me just about to freak out just because im stressin about everything an the first thing I run to is to cut...but I always try and scream for help first but it's not easy..it's not easy to tell someone that I struggle with that..you know?
Im just hoping that things start working out for me and that I can get out of my mom's place and get into my own place..I now have my own bed so that's really good because when I move I'll need it... I hope that I just getting these things under control..
and I am really glad that I entered into counselling because it really helps..but Im not sure what it will do you know? I mean yeah..I dont know.. it's a wait and see
ttyl
I know it sounds crazy that this has become my life the the last little while..but it's nothing new and I've got nothing to hide. Im not proud of making these decisions but at the same time Im not doing it to get drunk I'll just have a couple and just chill and laugh my butt off with my cousins and just have fun. I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually got drunk because that's not what drinking is for me..I mean I've been a little tipsy but I've never gone out drinking with the intention to get hammered and black out and everything..
Other then that...well I went to my first counselling session yesterday that's why I had to come home and change and pick up my brother, we both signed up for counselling. I was so freakin tired I was making myself something to eat and it was ten minute wait so I just sat down..and all of a sudden found myself asleep.. it was really crazy..
So as for my counselling well..it was funny because something she said.. I mean when I was in counselling all those years ago... my counselor Mary said that I have a protective shell like a turtle, partly the reason why I love turtles..
and my counselor yesterday said the same thing...and that the reason Im cutting or drinking is because those things keep coming back you know? I mean if it's not my family issues, its mentally Im losing my mind with strong desires to do things I'd never really do.. I mean lots of people say I have the guts to do what needed to be if it ever came to that.. Everyday I find myself sitting around wondering...what would I do?
I mean lots of times I'll be walking around the streets of vancouver and a part of me would be looking out...will he have the balls to drive by me.. if I was walking across the street and seen his car what would I do? if not that if I was on a bus and he rolled up beside me what would I do? I mean there are alot of mixed feelings about that.. and at the same time I'm not always watching out for that because I know regardless I would resist every temptation..just because I've learned better then that
It's not been going so easy...Im not really sure why you know? If it's not my relationship, then it's my family, not my family then it's everything else..it's the guy that looks at my on the skytrain, its someone trying to call me to bother me, it's my sister not cleaning up, my brother not doing his chore..the shower wasn't ready..or just everything. Im always like bah!
The counselor her name is jessica and she said because Im on a melt down to the worst. I've withstood all this pressure and all this garbage here and yet nothing has really changed, and Im the one bringing structure, chores, penalites and plans and security... that's alot for someone like me to take on...especially because Im trying to get my job thing going, and work and then applying for school.. and yeah.. its alot to take on..and I did kinda runaway for those three days and I did drink but I never got drunk..I watched everyone else do that.> I watched them pine around the house looking for loose change for their next 40 pounder...but I didn't do that, I wouldn't do that...drinking for me is not for that...at times it might be but even then it only takes one for me just to relax..I know my limit and I know my drinking..
As for cutting.. well that's a whole different story..that's been my greatest struggle, my greatest weakeness since before everything ever happened.. and yeah.. I mean Im trying my best to stay away from it but at moments you'll catch me just about to freak out just because im stressin about everything an the first thing I run to is to cut...but I always try and scream for help first but it's not easy..it's not easy to tell someone that I struggle with that..you know?
Im just hoping that things start working out for me and that I can get out of my mom's place and get into my own place..I now have my own bed so that's really good because when I move I'll need it... I hope that I just getting these things under control..
and I am really glad that I entered into counselling because it really helps..but Im not sure what it will do you know? I mean yeah..I dont know.. it's a wait and see
ttyl
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