Wednesday, March 12, 2008

better than this

I'm fairly emotional at the moment...cotemplating the truth of what I should really say on something like this...something made public...something that my dear friends read sometimes.. but if I don't write it all down I think I'll continue to lose my mind, lose my life..not literally my life but the person I was created to be, the person I've lost since moving back to Vancouver.
I thought moving back would be the right idea and going to become a cop was my goal and nothing would distract me from that..nothing, no one, and no business no nothing!
sadly not true...sadly not true...sadly not true.
It's been a very difficult time for me to live here..and the more I stay the more I find myself sinking into myself..sinking in the deep utter darkness of hopelessness..not having my friends with me, not being involved in a church or anything...has really taken a toll on my life..and I know the only way that would change is if I make the step to go forward..but I have something, someone that's holding me back..because if I go to do that life then I'll be leaving someone behind.. someone I dont know... I dont know what to do...and Im really frustrated that I allowed myself to get messed up in all of this...

I was remembering the person I used to be...the praise God person...thanking him for my life and just praising him through all this pain..praising him because he sends people in our lives for a specific reason and purpose.. and remembering the love that I had felt, the love I feel even though i try not to feel it even now...the heart that i had to bring greatness to those around me.. the love that I had for people..the encouraging heart, the giving person I was... it's hard to think that I actually lost all of that...that I've allowed myself to come away from that.. to come back here and live a life that's not even worthy of talking about...hiding in my room feeling terrible.. and there's no reason for me to have this self-pity talk because I really don't care..I just can't believe what im doing with my life.. I can't believe that someone like me would believe that I could make it you know?
to think of one day becoming someone others would look up too..someone that's strong and confident and someone that's able to lead people...right now I can't lead anything.. I just want to hide in a room and just be away from sit quietly with my thoughts, to write.. to love.. my not continue to put off my stories..I never finished my one story and I haven't found time or patience to sit and do it..I never have time to myself..
I've not been to the ocean, well except today..we drove through stanley park..hiked at lynn valley and it was wonderful.. but that's something I want to do alone you know? Like an artist sitting in their own little place drawing, I need to find a place to do that for myself because i need to be writing..I need this release of everything.

I dont know what i've been thinking you know? thinking that next tuesday is or would have been my father's birthday..Im supposed to runaway and drink like mad because Im celebrating his birthday..yet Im not up for it..if not that then the end of this month the court date is coming up and Im worried you know? lots of people telling me different stories..he will serve time, he won't serve time...and if not that then my relaitonship situation is really becoming complicated and it's not been fun for was and has its moments but I've found myself..more foolish then I should be..and I don't know how to step back from this..and I dont know if I could even do it you know?
maybe I'll go spend some time with my uncle..because I need to get out of the city..I need to clear my head..and I need to figure this all out because Im losing my mind..doing things i wish I wouldn't, feeling foolish and just childish...and I don't like that...
it's been a long time since i felt unappreicated and inadequate and Im not even sure how to feel that..or let that pass me by you know? because I don't deserve to feel this many people who have known me for years tell me that Im awesome..that Im a survivor and yet it seems I can hardly survive this you know? I can't make it through...
but then each day you'll catch me..looking at my brothers and sisters and remembering this is why Im alive..this is why I HAVE TO MAKE IT! I Have to fight..iI have to survive all of this garbage, I have to stand regardless that so many things are trying to push me down, so many things are trying to hold me's time for me to look past this and just grow you know?
Im awesome..I have talent.and I have a hope and future..I have felt and tasted God's love and yet still struggle to turn to him..struggle to feel worthy of his love..and I know no one is really worthy of that because he just has compassion on us..and just blah blah...but I guess it's shame I guess Im just struggling with that..i wonder if we ever really get over that you know? ever get to the point of knowing we deserve his love, and have him in our lives.. Im not sure.. I have been gone for so long...

Im extremly tired..but I have so much on my mind..but I guess I should go to bed...
thankfully have counselling in the morning..not sure what I should talk about and I really hope that I don't fall apart because I always hate it when that really is difficult for me to do that you know?
anyhow it's all A wait and see..and I hope that things just try and get better..try and look at tomorrow as a new day...not the's just the beginning of greatness....that's what I have to believe or else I don't think I'd ever make it through it all you know?

good night

"Better Than Me" lyrics
I think you can do much better than me After all the lies that I made you believe Guilt kicks in and I start to seeThe edge of the bedWhere your nightgown used to beI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meWhile looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I tookThat you were looking forIf there's one memory I don't want to loseThat time at the mallYou and me in the dressing roomI told myself I won't miss youBut I rememberWhat it feels like beside youI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meThe bed I'm lying in is getting colderWish I never would've said it's overAnd I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm olderCause we never really had our closureThis can't be the endI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than meI really miss your hair in my faceAnd the way your innocence tastesAnd I think you should know thisYou deserve much better than me(And I think you should know this)(You deserve much better than me)

1 comment:

redeemed diva said...

Wow. Deeply profound and raw. I'm glad you spilled your guts. Keeping it in is just...not healthy. You are still you-the praise God you--that never goes away. It can't. it's there. It'll surface. The light burden is like hope: it always floats to the top. hang in there and keep moving forward. I know that you will make it.
I enjoyed reading your blog. Keep writing