just to rest

I went right to bed rightaway last night I was so tired it was so awkward to be that tired after not sleeping that much.


I woke up so much pain I could hardly believe how much pain my body has been in..I feel like i was in a fight all night long. I struggled with trying to get my body in motion.. I was doing laundry, cleaning and just chilling with my family all day today.. i really just want to rest and just try and think with a clear mind you know?

But I've found myself only thinking of one person...



Im not sure how to get things figured out you know? I love the life of being out with these boys and just chillin outside and just hanging out...talking about random things..



I was thinking about something someone commented..about starting over again and again.. I was thinking you know...it's almost like I don't have any more 'starting over's' left.. things have been so crazy and so everything...it's been fun..but Im also not young anymore..and I have alot of plans for my life now you know? I mean years ago I was struggling just to figure out what I wanted to do with my life..and now I know and have decided and hope that things will be alright with that..I mean the only thing stopping me now is just the drama in my life..or history stuff.. I mean I know I can do anything I put my mind too..recently read a quote which I knew where it was from but it said

"My will shall shape the future. whether I fair or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be the lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibily; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."

Im not sure but to me it sounds like everything is up to me lol...if I fail in my life it's my own fault.. if anything is anything it's all up to me you know? I mean looking at my life and the idea of the future...kinda seems like there are more blocks getting in my way to a tremendous future. and when someone said to start over again..I could not imagine up and leaving again..after everything that's happened..I mean apart from some problems Im happy.. i've got people who are friends, I've got family close by..and people that are inspiring me..supporting me and being there for me..where else can I go that has that kinda love for me?
I mean don't get me wrong there are many things I wish I hadn't done since coming back but do I regret those things not really..but if in the future things work out this way that I want it too it might jeopordize my future..
I've thought about a lot of things that I've been doing and Im not sure I can do it...I think I might have to talk to my mentor and see what he says about what I've been doing..and hope that everything will be alright..if not then I'll have to reevaluate my future and the choices that Im making in this present time...

Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I mean I come back with the intention to be strong, and unashamed, and unafraid of these things that happened here in the past..and believe me Im not afraid of anything anymore...but Im not strong...Ive become as weak as I was when I left the only difference is that Im stronger... meaning..physically and that's about it..but I have more strength to protecting myself...then I did when I had left...as for emotionally..well the old habits of anger have come back into my life..I wish I could show you the scars, and bruises I now have on my body from the violent outrages I have every so often...
it suprised me when all my homies told me that I'd be able to hurt anyone..that I'd be unafraid to do so to someone else..that was crazy..I mean yeah..the other night I was helping my family by keeping people away from everyone but the fact that people actually think I can bring real pain to someone else..says alot about what I've become since moving back.. I mean in Ontario it was great and yes some people might have been afraid of me...but to have people really afraid of me here in Vancouver...once that smile comes off my face everyone's thinking they had done something wrong...and when they try and start something with my family members anyone of them..Im the first one up and out the door...

I mean Im not even a guy..and yet if someone had problems with my homeboys or my cousins I'd be there no problem..but at the same time..isn't that what most people would do? Im not sure.. but to me that's what I would do...that's what I have always done..I mean when Jeff got bullied at school I was there with my brother the next day...but not with the intention to hurt, it was just showing that my brother's not lying he does have an older brother and sister...we would never have done anything..I just want to be my brothers bodyguard... I'd take anything for anyone in my family..
I mean the other night my cousin..she was extremly angry. and I had to pin her down..and she was biting me..and all's I kept saying was "this is for Dilon" I mean I love that boy to death and if I had to take a beating for him so that he can stay inside then I did and would do it all over again..

I dont know what Im saying really..I've lost myself in the thoughts of my own mind... Im just extremly suprised that people would think I'd hurt someone..and even then my homegirls and my woman they think that I'll one day hurt them or something..but I would never lay my hands on any of them... I have nothing but love for my people..but I dont know..who really knows you know? lots of people say that if there was violence against a child or something then there's bond to become a violent person themselves..but really..I dont see myself ever starting something with someone unless there was a really good reason...

either way starting over again..again is not an option..improving my lifestyle now is an option and something Im strongly considering because I want to make things right in my life..and this is not helping to be and do what Im doing...it's fun yes but all fun like this has to come to an end or else I'll end up somewhere I can not even imagine or begin to try and write about...

lots of thoughts..but have to sleep again