Friday, March 7, 2008

entered into counselling

I hadn't slept in three days...pretty much.. I spent my three days hanging with my cousins, we were drinking and pretty much having a good time.. I slept two hours each night and that was it. The last place I partied was in Surrey with my oldest cousin and we had a pretty good time, the only reason I didn't sleep is because I didn't actually drink to get drunk and yeah I had to take care of someone that came along.
I know it sounds crazy that this has become my life the the last little while..but it's nothing new and I've got nothing to hide. Im not proud of making these decisions but at the same time Im not doing it to get drunk I'll just have a couple and just chill and laugh my butt off with my cousins and just have fun. I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I actually got drunk because that's not what drinking is for me..I mean I've been a little tipsy but I've never gone out drinking with the intention to get hammered and black out and everything..
Other then that...well I went to my first counselling session yesterday that's why I had to come home and change and pick up my brother, we both signed up for counselling. I was so freakin tired I was making myself something to eat and it was ten minute wait so I just sat down..and all of a sudden found myself asleep.. it was really crazy..
So as for my counselling was funny because something she said.. I mean when I was in counselling all those years ago... my counselor Mary said that I have a protective shell like a turtle, partly the reason why I love turtles..
and my counselor yesterday said the same thing...and that the reason Im cutting or drinking is because those things keep coming back you know? I mean if it's not my family issues, its mentally Im losing my mind with strong desires to do things I'd never really do.. I mean lots of people say I have the guts to do what needed to be if it ever came to that.. Everyday I find myself sitting around wondering...what would I do?
I mean lots of times I'll be walking around the streets of vancouver and a part of me would be looking out...will he have the balls to drive by me.. if I was walking across the street and seen his car what would I do? if not that if I was on a bus and he rolled up beside me what would I do? I mean there are alot of mixed feelings about that.. and at the same time I'm not always watching out for that because I know regardless I would resist every temptation..just because I've learned better then that

It's not been going so easy...Im not really sure why you know? If it's not my relationship, then it's my family, not my family then it's everything's the guy that looks at my on the skytrain, its someone trying to call me to bother me, it's my sister not cleaning up, my brother not doing his chore..the shower wasn't ready..or just everything. Im always like bah!

The counselor her name is jessica and she said because Im on a melt down to the worst. I've withstood all this pressure and all this garbage here and yet nothing has really changed, and Im the one bringing structure, chores, penalites and plans and security... that's alot for someone like me to take on...especially because Im trying to get my job thing going, and work and then applying for school.. and yeah.. its alot to take on..and I did kinda runaway for those three days and I did drink but I never got drunk..I watched everyone else do that.> I watched them pine around the house looking for loose change for their next 40 pounder...but I didn't do that, I wouldn't do that...drinking for me is not for times it might be but even then it only takes one for me just to relax..I know my limit and I know my drinking..

As for cutting.. well that's a whole different story..that's been my greatest struggle, my greatest weakeness since before everything ever happened.. and yeah.. I mean Im trying my best to stay away from it but at moments you'll catch me just about to freak out just because im stressin about everything an the first thing I run to is to cut...but I always try and scream for help first but it's not's not easy to tell someone that I struggle with know?

Im just hoping that things start working out for me and that I can get out of my mom's place and get into my own place..I now have my own bed so that's really good because when I move I'll need it... I hope that I just getting these things under control..

and I am really glad that I entered into counselling because it really helps..but Im not sure what it will do you know? I mean yeah..I dont know.. it's a wait and see


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