As I walked home from a crazy night...I couldn't believe how beautiful Vancouver is..everyday Im always amazed at this beautiful city..walking home and just seeing those mountains and just viewing the city..it's an amazing thing...
along with that though the thoughts of what am I really doing with my life? this last week I spent over buying liqour almost or pretty much everyday...........most of the time I didn't always drink it to get drunk but I also hardly ever drank either..it's hard to look at the person I've become...
lastnight I was pulling people off left and right because people were trying to get into fights and I had to try help pull that stuff off...an i also had to stand in front of people because people around here have alot of respect for me..which is awesome..I mean even then I was like "WHAT, WHAT" you wanna try start something with me..and everyone backed down...just because it's me lol..
I was hoping to get some things done today but I honestly only got like two hours of sleep..and just been lazing around with no where to sleep..no food..just liqour..so i left to come back to my mom's...my intention is to try my best to at least wait a week before I start drinking again..it was never about me having the money to drink it was everyone wanting me to come out.. only when Im happy Im the life of the party...but other times.. like lastnight..people were afraid of me..and did not want to try and come up against me..I woke up with bruises from random things, and cuts and stuff...not from anyone but my family lol..my cousins crazy people!
my list as far as I know..I have to get ahold of the work that I was at in Ontario for that one week. I have to get my hands on a tax return for Ontairo..and then I have to look at College to see what I want to apply for..also have to go down adn see if I can volunteer at that place..
im hoping all this will only take me a week...at least that way I can say I've accomplished some things rather then always being out with my cousins, homeboys..or my homegirl..
anyhow...
thoughts wise...well..there's a lot of crazy stuff going down in my mind..Im always afraid that Im going to do something or act in a way that I can't even tell you...I mean the more I'm noticing how violent Im becoming...its not just the alcohol but it's the people Im hanging around..today my homeboys were telling me that Im a big ass person who can take on anyone, and that Im fearless.. I wish that I believed that I wish that i could be that way but it's not that way..
if not that..I was thinking about God...first time in a while...but I not sure what to believe about that anymore..and I feel bad saying that because all the love he had for me...or has for me.. but there's just so many open wounds from deciding to be in Ontario...that place apart from being amazing and where I needed to be..it also was only wounds for me too...coming back here..is hard on everyone...and even me...
I have no problems with anyone..but to have the church gone, to have no one that's a christian in my life..or have any positive influences around anymore..it makes it more easier to go meet up with my homies then hang out or wait around for anyone else...
I just to get a job going...get things rolling in my life that way I dont have to even have the time to do this sort of stuff too...that's my other plan to go deal with my resume and everything
listen man alive I have more and more on my mind...but Im freakin exhausted...I just need to sleep..and write when im well rested...
night
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