Lately

It seems difficult to think of what my future will look like you know? with all these options and all these opportunities Im hardly sure of where to even begin looking. I know that I'll be starting to prep up in case I really do want to become a Police officer it seems like a really great idea and because I wanted to do that as a child it kinda is a strong desire..however Im not going to be broken if that doesn't actually happen just because I seem to have so much opporutnity for the future regardless of everything...
its hard to look at that right now though.. I have to find some time to really just think about my options what do I really want to do with my life? I don't want to sign up for something and all of a sudden change my mind half way through it just because that's alot of money going into a future, and if not that then I also have to look at the statistics of the job openings or whatevre for that.. I dont want to try going to school for a job that might not be in need of it you know? I want to be going to school with the opportunity I'll get a job quickly.. I mean it's not often that I think of that you know? Im not really sure what I would like to do with my life..and because of the whole pastor thing not going down the drain but not really being my main goal just because if its a future thing then im wanting to look at now, and wanting to look at things that will benefit my future if I decide or God decides that Pastoring is what i was destined to do..
It's not easy to think like that though..I mean with this last nearly a month or more being here I've gone from strong desires of hate and whatever, to knowing right you know? I mean we all know right and wrong but we also all have a sense of our own what that might be.. and Im not the kinda person to believe that its my job to take things in my own hands, because I really don't want to start a ripple effect of violence in my family.. I love my brothers and sisters to pieces and they know what I would do for them, and there is hardly anything I wouldn't do for them. I want them to have a future...I want them to have a hope..
and yes I have that and Im the example of that..and please don't remind me of that because it constantly crosses my mind every day...will what I decide today effect them? of course it will.. Im not a superhero and Im not magical..Im just me and I've learned to love them, care for them, be there for them...and just be real.. Im not all about the lying, cheating and stealing and trying to get to the top just because I deserve that..Im not high on myself and believe that Im really the person for superhero gigs..Im just me and I don't claim to be anything more....

I started counselling and it's only the first session and alot of stuff came out of me..and it's crazy to think that it was that easy..but I think I have just been exhausted..dying of exhaustion my body is wearing out more, Im eating much less then i've ever done before...Im spending more time sleeping because sometimes I'll ware myself thin because I have so much to do... but counselling has been going pretty good I enjoyed the first session because it was light and simple but deep and yeah... I am glad that I did it..I mean I told the counselor that I had been asked to go into it because of my mother...but the truth is I always find it better for me to be able to talk, to get others peoples outside perspective because I've been known to be dramatic, and a little too out there when it comes to some things..and with everything going on with court and just drama at home...I need something more then writing on this blog...

other then that... well I've been doing pretty good I guess..nothing really bad or really amazingly great has happened to me.. I spent some or alot of time with my cousins doing various things, and learning new things...I was with my girlfriend for a bit and we were catching up on life, and just growing up and stuff because it had been so long since we had seen eachother... its fun when we get to see people from the past and just catch up, as long as we left on good terms.. apparently there are alot of people when I left were deeply offended or very angry..
I tell people now that Im not going to be afraid anymore you know? I mean Im not going to be scared anymore of being hurt or beaten..if someone has a problem from the past with me well Im not going to run anymore, and Im not going to start nothing, or anything. Im not going to allow fear to control my life...I see it in my brother and it's really sad that he feels the way he does and yet...I wonder if I was that way too..but I figure Im not going to be afraid and if I did bad things in the past that deserve that much revenge on me then so be it because nothing will bring me down from my future..I have a future and a hope..and Im going to make it even if I get beaten..I mean Im not trying to be a smartty pants or anything but that Im just not going to allow fear to control and regardless of what happens Im going to make it, I was created to be a survivor..and I will make it through everything..

anyhow completely and utterly exhausted..gotta munch on a snack and head to bed...I've been so tired.

good night