First off shout out to my favourite friends Jessica and Merv! Jessica celebrated her bday this past weekend, and I wish I had remembered but I was all fucked up. as for Merv even if I wanted to avoid it, he made sure I was part of their day. and he was happy about the shirts I bought him! lol
I guess tonight... I'll be honest the lingering thoughts from the last few days are in my mind and what I can do to make proper changes, or else give up all together.
It's honestly really hard to think about you know... because I don't want to be selfish, I remember what I felt when my uncle Anthony died, or when Robin Williams died. I couldn't help but think what could have been done, or what how did people close to them feel. because when it comes to death by suicide I honestly believe that it's just like slipping away. and no matter what someone somewhere is kicking themselves because they thought they could change the outcome, that they could have saved that person. but from my experience you can't actually save someone if they want to end, want the pain to stop there's no real stopping it, there could be delaying it, but if someone is determined it does happen.
I don't know much... I know that most of my scars and all my nights trying to jump off shit, were just me likely crying for help and not fully understanding what it has been why I would do those things. but for the first time.. and I hope that not many take offence to this idea.
but something struck me in a way that I'm not sure how I can describe it the way it was said to me. the realization that as a first nation person who has suffered the intergenerational trauma of my parents, and their parents and parents parents etx... this has been a cycle of abuse, pain, void and torment. addictions etc. but reality is... it only takes one... one person to change the cycle.. and for some odd reason they have chosen me.
Regardless the situation is this that we're living in a world that having to understand I heard somewhere it'll take about 100 years for this generation to be free of all the oppression or all this void that I feel. so it won't be in my time that I'll see the true and fulfillment of healing. I know that I'll try and yet I'll fail... and that apparently most of the culture will feel what I feel... the feeling of worthless, the feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that it doesn't get better than this. that this is it.. there's nothing better. nothing good... that this is a pay check to pay check ,and theres nothing to accomplish..
but even as I write this.. I remember that Jessica is a student, instead of letting oppression or detours stand in her way of learning, and wanting to give back to the community she keeps moving forward, and as far as I'm aware she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't smoke. and in this country for this kind of first nation culture to rise above all those things that tear us down, she's able to stand strong and wise and beautiful. I know that I'm always inspired by her, same goes for Margo Kane who shares our culture and heritage through talking stick festival, and sharing her stories through performance.
everyone has their ways, and I think it's important to find the way for us all.. but I'm telling you now.. I think my way has come and passed.. I remember.. my ideas of my future.. I was all excited when I attended Justice Institute of BC (JIBC) it made me fully want to become a police officer, I wanted and yearned and dreamed that would be one day... Unfortunately because of the "beast" in my life, I caused more harm to myself and my mental stability that I believe it's impossible for me to become a police officer.. then I thought I wanted to be an advocate for First Nations, because I work with a lot of First Nation people in DTES, and I've seen how some people in different organizations treat our people, and I wanted to create something that would be beneficial to them.
of course then I realized I know very little about my own heritage, my own self and that I can't lead people if I don't know what that looks like, and then remembering about my own hypocrisy that even though people are saying my current addiction isn't a huge deal... it's a huge deal in my own belief of who I want to be, and I guess that's hard for me.
so now I feel like at whatever age I'm at now.can't the world just let me go? and let my life end and I'll come back as a something.. lol
what more is there really to give back to the world that hasn't already been given? I've given my blood, sweat and tears for many. I have tried and failed, and the hardest thing is I can't even say it. but I just I don't know if its the meds or if its awaken the beast that's making me feel what i feel.. but I hope for the best to move forward but i'm also on the fence and i'm also fully ready to let go. whether that be my own self or that be nature taking whatever action...
IDK i'm confused. and I just don't know what to do..
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Monday, May 29, 2017
back to the beast
you know I honestly thought I was done with all the darkness.. I thought that i somehow have done well enough in my life that I'd be ok. it was november or december that I applied for a new counsellor dude believe me that was hard, because I had entrusted one person for so many years...and now she's gone.. school and all that jazz.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!
Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!
Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Keep Moving Forward
I can't describe everything that has happened or how I've made it this far.. I've been imagining and seeing things that might not actually be there.. and on top of it all! i'm changing my entire life around and making some changes.. which makes me sad.. because I love what I have now, but I also know my limits..
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!
Anyway...
I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!
Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.
so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!
DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward!
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!
Anyway...
I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!
Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.
so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!
DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward!
Monday, January 23, 2017
hardest days of my life
I can't even describe the last week of my life..besides horrible... I have been harassed and stalked by my ex.... and no matter how many times the cops tell her to stay away she won't..
an if that wasn't enough, she also started telling people some slander about me, lies about me to the point that I had to get tested just to make sure it wasn't true.
and if that isn't enough... she has done nothing but message me telling me how horrible I am as a person, and human being.
The psychological abuse, and the constant edgy feeling I've had about her showing up at my home, my work, or anywhere I might be.. has been ridiculous I can't even deal with that.
You know this was the person I felt something for, I felt love.. and my counsellor stated it's true I could love someone, but not be with them. I loved her and wanted her to change and not be who she is, or has been. I tried to tell people she was trying and in some sense maybe she tried...but she didn't trust me, or my friends... these are long lasting friendships I've had for over 5 yrs with each person, there has never been a thought in my mind that I'd want it to be more then that. I never thought of cheating on someone I've been with, and/or emotionally hurting someone the way she has hurt me.
It's been I guess a week since this all ended,and then she came back like a force of nature, continuing to belittle, and try and hurt my feelings.. and as much as I tried to say no it didn't hurt... I feel it, I hear it. and I am hurt.
I can't believe this has been happening to me.. and worse off feeling completely alone! people always to be there for me.. people want to tell me this is easy and I can make it through this...but it' hurts, and worse off is that I had to confess this to my boss... who hasn't said anything to me... but I could only imagine the things people are thinking about me! my honest response wants to trash her, and hurt her the way she is hurting me, or something terrible.... but I know it'll get me no where, and that's not who I am... so I just sit here, absorbing all that she says and hope that it doesn't affected me...
I've had a rough week... but I must say.. at the end of it all... I feel ready for it to be done and over with! I don't care what anyone thinks of me..not anymore... and I've learned my lesson not to let someone in my life without fully knowing them..
Apart from that insane bulshi*
Things are changing... whatever reason that they are! and I don't know what to feel about all of that! I guess I'm hurting and I guess it's been difficult to live each day, and not only that... I allowed my addiction to come back in my life and that's hard to let go of... no matter what I say or do! that feeling is erupting within me and i can't hold it back, only one person knows the truth of it all! but I feel like I'm losing it! I can't figure this out right now.. .and can only hope that people will be there for me.
Or that I learn to call out for help... IDK.. Just hard days, and it's not getting easier
an if that wasn't enough, she also started telling people some slander about me, lies about me to the point that I had to get tested just to make sure it wasn't true.
and if that isn't enough... she has done nothing but message me telling me how horrible I am as a person, and human being.
The psychological abuse, and the constant edgy feeling I've had about her showing up at my home, my work, or anywhere I might be.. has been ridiculous I can't even deal with that.
You know this was the person I felt something for, I felt love.. and my counsellor stated it's true I could love someone, but not be with them. I loved her and wanted her to change and not be who she is, or has been. I tried to tell people she was trying and in some sense maybe she tried...but she didn't trust me, or my friends... these are long lasting friendships I've had for over 5 yrs with each person, there has never been a thought in my mind that I'd want it to be more then that. I never thought of cheating on someone I've been with, and/or emotionally hurting someone the way she has hurt me.
It's been I guess a week since this all ended,and then she came back like a force of nature, continuing to belittle, and try and hurt my feelings.. and as much as I tried to say no it didn't hurt... I feel it, I hear it. and I am hurt.
I can't believe this has been happening to me.. and worse off feeling completely alone! people always to be there for me.. people want to tell me this is easy and I can make it through this...but it' hurts, and worse off is that I had to confess this to my boss... who hasn't said anything to me... but I could only imagine the things people are thinking about me! my honest response wants to trash her, and hurt her the way she is hurting me, or something terrible.... but I know it'll get me no where, and that's not who I am... so I just sit here, absorbing all that she says and hope that it doesn't affected me...
I've had a rough week... but I must say.. at the end of it all... I feel ready for it to be done and over with! I don't care what anyone thinks of me..not anymore... and I've learned my lesson not to let someone in my life without fully knowing them..
Apart from that insane bulshi*
Things are changing... whatever reason that they are! and I don't know what to feel about all of that! I guess I'm hurting and I guess it's been difficult to live each day, and not only that... I allowed my addiction to come back in my life and that's hard to let go of... no matter what I say or do! that feeling is erupting within me and i can't hold it back, only one person knows the truth of it all! but I feel like I'm losing it! I can't figure this out right now.. .and can only hope that people will be there for me.
Or that I learn to call out for help... IDK.. Just hard days, and it's not getting easier
Monday, January 16, 2017
Fly me to the moon
I don't know how things can go so wrong so quickly? everything is always been weird and awkward. but then at moments... nothing could be more greater, the amazing feeling of sleeping in her arms, or kissing her lips.. The complete admiration she has for me there isn't anything greater than that.
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..
"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"
i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..
"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"
i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
the unknown
So here I am again with a dilemma.. I'm in weird position and this is what I need to question because honestly..maybe I don't.. But that's why I'm writing.. from all this crap the media, the world has put on my life about love, and relationships.. I feel like maybe I should be letting go of this one girl! this one girl who for some odd reason, makes me feel more alive,more loved, and more worth it.. but at the same time, she scares me, in the sense that her insecurity makes it hard to live my own life, or her neediness or not understanding that.. yes we can be together, but we should also be able to be apart.. closeness/separation.
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!
and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...
I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give me my solid ground...
Leela James "fall for you"
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!
and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...
I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give me my solid ground...
Leela James "fall for you"
Friday, January 6, 2017
Universe or stalker?
So my last post about everything... as soon as i hit publish she came to my house... It was very awkward and weird.. and of course I was all vulnerable and apologetic for all that she is currently going through.. And as much as I want to be there for her.. I think I'm losing my own mind..
I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.
I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?
I just hope whatever it is i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!
"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved
I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.
I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?
I just hope whatever it is i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!
"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved
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