Tuesday, January 10, 2017

the unknown

So here I am again with a dilemma.. I'm in weird position and this is what I need to question because honestly..maybe I don't.. But that's why I'm writing.. from all this crap the media, the world has put on my life about love, and relationships.. I feel like maybe I should be letting go of this one girl! this one girl who for some odd reason, makes me feel more alive,more loved, and more worth it.. but at the same time, she scares me, in the sense that her insecurity makes it hard to live my own life, or her neediness or not understanding that.. yes we can be together, but we should also be able to be apart.. closeness/separation.
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!

and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...

I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give  me my solid ground...

Leela James "fall for you"

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