Unknown world

 Tell me that its over, tell me you mean and that its true. All from a song! But truly how I feel because I feel like I'm a fool.. I am standing around thinking about everything in the last 6 months of my life, and hearing all this bs..and feeling like garbage..
I had to ask myself...when were we happy!? when was I ever in a place that mattered for us to be in a relationship. Why in the world won't she let me show her my parts of the world? my parts of paradise? why does it always have to be city limits... I Hate the city more than anything!! 
when my best friend and I left last weekend I felt so guilty that I got away, that I went to my favorite parts without my love, but I also have to remember my life can't be on hold because of her situation... 

I want to share those moments with the love of my life, but she doesn't want to share them with me... I don't understand why... then I go into all this bs that maybe she doesn't love me, even though she said she does. she says all this bs about me not understanding her.. but reality is I feel like I understand her but we deal with our own trauma in different ways.. and I wish I don't know..

CAN WE EVER have one damn good day! I feel like we've had them somewhere... and I just miss that.. I miss being someone who is worthy of that love? devotion? admiration? I DONT know!

What is it about this fuckin relationship that has kept me here for so long, and hearing her say why don't you leave like you did last time.. I won't leave me because that is NOT WHO I AM!!! even if that's how I feel. I feel that way because she's made it clear that she likely feels SOMETHING for me but that it'snot enough for her to open up to me. 

I hate feeling like this! I seriously wish i had all the money in the world or even jsut enough for gas money to jump in my car and drive off. I would love for her to come with me but I also get that it may never happen, and that really sucks. I don't fuckin understand why someone is content with the city limits, when I can show her all parts of BC, I can go anywhere, everywhere.

I don't know... I don't understand...

I just miss having good moments. I miss laughing. I miss random fun of greatness. I wish for more. I want more.. she said she is willing to make changes but I've asked for this more than once and never had anything ever come of it.. I feel like... just going on with my life. and letting her come if she wants to but just carrying on.. is that wrong? its just so shitty.. I've seen such beautiful parts of my hometown..well not my hometown..but my roots.. and I just want to explore. I want ot bring my kid there to show him the beauty adn hope that somehting sticks and that he will be curious and want to know more one day you  knwo.. to keep teh cycle of our family history moving forward. IDK> 

I just want somethign more than a shitty crowded beach in the nasty cold ocean.. when we can be swimming somewhere beautiful with beautiful water, and scenery.
Id rather do that than be here..

even though I don't have the money to do it. I just can't stand being here... 

ANd my best friend is willing to do that with me.. why can't my partner want that with me too?! why is it so hard to ask for that!

the world is the world. but I just want to get out... I want to change our scenery you know?

I got angry with her yesterday. adn she asked what i wanted from her.. and I said nothing.. but I don't know what I want... I want the good days we had once upon a time,  I want the devotion? love? anything other than what we have now.. I want the bs pain of her suffering to stop... I want her to be happy with me. but I don't know if that is possible because I don't think I am someone who makes her happy? but I don't get why she keeps me around if I AM NOTHING to her....
she says I'm everything to her.. but how does that makes sense.. MY LADY was my EVERYTHING and I went above and beyond for her, and was always by her side..

when my partner texted me "I NEED YOU" I was there. but when I need her.. IDK.. she's been there except lately..lately it's just me on my own. and unknown relationship that IS MOVING NOWHERE> i'm losing my mind.. I wanna cry. I wanna scream, and i wanna know why she wont walk away from me.. if I make her that unhappy. 

loss of my strength

 I guess I'm at a breaking point at the moment.. I totally just spent two weeks trying to be silent.. trying to let this blow over. trying to be understanding what will happen if and when I decide to say anything. I knew that me deciding to say anything will ruin everything, but I needed something.. I needed anything.

I have been struggling for weeks, having people tell me to stand by and let this go as it goes, and stay strong..like it's that easy..
I tried to distract myself.. I tried to not think about it but being stuck at home,  being stuck in my head, and not having anyone to talk to about it.. I finally said stuff, obviously in ALL THE WRONG ways THATS what I DO!!!
I don't know how to word things, I don't know how to talk... I don't know how word things, to listen. IDK.

i basically said that I feel like I don't matter.. and that everyone whos anyone has said I do, but that she needs to focus on herself..but in focusing on herself.. you'd think there would be time here and there for a call, or text, or anything of an update... instead...it's been silence..
How can you care for somoene and comepletly shut them out of your life?
HOw can anyone want to walk alone in pain and darkness.. I don't understand that life.. I don't understand willing to get bad news alone, I don't understand wanting to be alone all the time.. I don't understand we spent 3 months almost inseperable and now we barely spend time together, we barely talk, we barely are anything.. and yet because I've always wanted more..it's never enough..
Instead it's always about how selfish I am, or how I am such a downer, or whatveer the bs words she used.. then why stay!?

If you feel that way about someone why do you stay with them! I have stayed because I said I'll never go away again, as I said, I'll go when she sends me. but she isn't doing that either? WHY! what does she get from me that she doesn't get from anyone else? more clothes? more garbage? more nothing? I don't know.. I know for me.. this is garbage.... to see her in pain and suffering and not even be able to give her a moment of peace, a moment of happiness.. a moment of ANYTHING other than what she is feeing..

you know two weeks ago she said that spending time with me helped her, saying that she wasn't in as much pain but when she left me..she ended up in the hospital? than why leave me if I am supporting you by just being here.. why not come visit other than 2 days a week, why not be here with me? because of what! GAWD! 

I can't be in a relationship where its two days a week we see or talk...or be together. I can't be in  relationship where I'm on the sidelines without playing the game, I can't be put on the bench I have to be able to get in the game, I have to be able to matter..to make a difference..to make her happy.. make her feel ANYTHING other than pain.. but alls I do is make her feel pain. so then why stay with someone who does that to you? I don't get it. I dont get why you'd stay with someone you cant share moments with.. and just is me... I wish I never went back because clearly I'm not doing well enough, and less and less we are together, more and more I doubt, I grow my concerned. why are we even together? why wont she just let me go?
Seriously theres nothing good about us.. I thought there was.. >When i look back at our relationship and the things we've talked about, and the ways she would let me support her. I mattered. the way she spent time with me, or talked to me, or was there for me. and now theres nothing....nothing but pain and torment?

What the hell is the point? if I just am this way... I am not worthy of my own life.. I feel like I am a reminder of what she doesn't have? like a clean bill of health.. and how hard that must be..she's younger and suffered enough in her life, if I could take on her illness just so she can live in peace i would,  I hate hearing her suffering..and not even being able to bring her any joy or happiness... it's not easy to live around, but I've been willing to go above and beyond to support her.. instead she keeps me at arms length and ONLY when she needs something will she let me closer, otherwise...its like shes home, and I'm at the window holding on for dear life, until she needs something from me does she let me in...but otherwise I'm constantly terrified.. IDK. 

Im fucking fucked in the head adn Im losing my mind because I DON"T get what teh point of having me in her life is..if she is unwilling to let me be here, let me talk to her, see her, be a part of anything worth anything, but she says all these bs generaric things like I matter, but I don't.... if I did.. I'd be there by her side, supporting her, loving her, whatever the hell that looks like.. instead we are barely talking, we don't see one another...we celebrated our 6 month anniversary..with nada..except sleepin....i bought her a bnch of random shit..but I had a plan..that didn't get to work through because she's going through this illness.. and it's hard to be understanding..when I don't know what it is, adn I don't know how to support her, be here for her...I am struggling with the constant silence.. I need more than that.. I can't let that be how we are, because I grew up with that, and I refuse to let that be a part of my future.. its not healthy to have the silence. 

IM struggling, I'm hurting, and I don't know how to make it through another day like this

ANYONE have any TV suggestions to throw my way please let me know..I need NEED the DISTRACTION from my shitty life right now. 

ain't my fault

 The struggle is real people! I cannot express enough the struggle of my own demons are coming full force to try or maybe succeed in destroying me... destroying us! I feel it everyday and I'm terrified everyday, and I haven't said anything to anyone because I  know that if I do.. what difference does it make? people will silence me but not reassure me. 

I haven't heard from my partner in days... and theres a reason for it...but in the absence the struggle continues flooding through me each day.. I keep trying to replay the same information in my head, the good advice I was given last week about having the strength in these times, and to not let our love faulter or whatever the fuck it means, I don't know, I just know how i feel.. and how hard it is for me.. I wrote something today, which I'll repeat here because for the first time it made sense... "I am only afraid that someone else will capture your heart that no no matter how much you say it belong to me, which...by the way you've never said"
When i wrote that today I realized... it's truth.. besides her and her ILY which apparently should mean everything, and include everything.. it doesn't make as much difference...how does she pass the time in not talking to me, Not hearing from me? last time she went through this she almost was too nervous to even see me, so what if that's the case.

or like over the weekend and how awkward she was acting, and how it made me wonder, worry and have concerns did I realize I seen what I seen? or felt what I felt? or sense what I sense? and now that I have only that to replay off of from our time together i start to doubt. i start to wonder.. and I lose my faith.. the one thing I've been repeatedly tested on.. I just... I don't want to walk away, I don't want to give up, but i need to know... what is worth holding onto? why are we worth living for one another? why are we in one another's lives? she said she is doing all this to live for me? but if that were truth? AM i being selfish!!! AM I being selfish when I should be letting her go? should I let her fade? should I let her make the decision that she is holding onto this idea of us? an maybe she should let go? 
So truth is this! the truth is she said she's fighting to live.. to physically live... for me.. she said I am the only reason she is fighting to stay in this world..but truth be... should I not be forcing her to make this decision? should I tell her that I'll approve her letting go? I don't know... 
Is it selfish of me? because i demanded forever and always but what if her forever is not as long as mine? should I let her be comfortable letting go?
Or should I have faith that we will get through everything... I thought we had it all.. I thought this was it. I thought this love was THE love.. But... 

It's short lived...if this is it.. and I don't know how to let go.. and i don't know...how do you decide when to let go! I don't fuckin know what the right decision is! 
Tell me!! What decision is right.. when I look at her, when I hold her hand, or kiss her lips, all our love envelopes me and surrounds me in every way that I cannot explain, she said she loves me more than I love her, I accept any love at all.. but not in this moment...
The silence is killing me...and the fact that I haven't told anyone.. haven't talked to anyone...haven't even reached out... I don't fuckin know what to do! I

I'll read another thing I stole from a show...
"You've always believed in me, and I believe in you. When you believe in someone its not for a minute, its forever. I promise I'll always have your back as you will always have mine"

I wrote this to her repeatedly... my love eternal..but..right now.. I'm struggling to believe because I don't know what the right decision is..she is fighting with every breath to stay with me..and I don't know if I should force that of her you know? 
Does that make sense

Im crying...I'm struggling... an I need some serious reassurance, love and support.

be strong

 So I guess I've been told some stuff that is usually meant to be good??? I said I'm struggling with whether or not we are where we are, or that I matter when I feel so disconnected with everything? I am told that with everything my partner is going through, that maybe those questions or concerns I have are not necessary, those are my need for validation, which i shouldn't need in a time like this. that maybe my partner needs me to be the strong one right now, having no doubts, or concerns or whatever/?

So in a time of turmoil, when there are all these fears or doubts that are not real, I am expected to be the strong one, the one keeping us together,and having no doubts? This sort of makes sense when one of the persons in the relationship is going through one of the darkest times in their lives, the other is supposed to be the support, by being the strong one, the one who can carry the both of them through it? I Don't get it?

I do want us to survive a lot more than this but when I measure it up to everything we've already faced I don't get the difference, and/or why I am left in the dark, being thrown to curb like i'm expected to stand here even though I feel far away? we live in the same city but I rarely see them, interact with them. but I'm supposed to be the strong one willing to stand within the storm of their whatever, and hope for that best?
I guess that's normal???
IN what world is that normal? wouldn't you want the person who is willing to be there for you, who's willing to give up anything for you, wouldn't it be better to have them by your side? rather than not? Rather than keeping them at arms length when they are willing to carry the load, and drive you or carry you, or clean up after you? Just so your not feeling alone?

I'm struggling with what world we live in that someone wants to go through darkness alone, because it's familiar and comfortable? Even though I'm willing to be here as whatever is needed in the moment, even if you yell, scream, hit, punch, cry, whatever it is I am willing to be there for you.. .I don't understand how anyone wants to go through that alone, so Im struggling.. to feel like I don't know my purpose in this relationship? 
Why does someone want someone like me in the relationship if you won't let me be me, so who am I supposed to be? I don't know how to be less than, I don't know how to not go above and beyond, how to not sit at the hospital on the step waiting for you, do you know how hard this is for me to sit here at home waiting, wondering, hoping your ok. wishing you'd let me be there for you... I hope it changes with time, especially with knowing this is who I am.

IDK... the bs struggle is real lol.. 

other than being the strong one, how do I support someone who doesn't need the constant reminder of being a support? I heard rumor of being a distraction so I got us tickets, and made a plan for us, I am not sure if the plan will be legit or follow through but I'm willing to try anything jsut to be there, if distraction, comfort is all you want/need from me then I can try...but I do want more...
I want more than just this.. because I love/cherish/honor them. and want the world for them.. I wish I could help...but I guess if I put it out in the universe... send good vibes to the ones I love, and give them teh strength to make it through these harsh times...

random thought process

 I've been having this itch to write with not a lot to say... I have realized how much I have given up for others, and how much more I'm willing to give up...
I'm also seeing my heart and soul as I raise this little one, praying everyday I am not destroying his life by being in it, I'm sure most parents think that? But lately I've been reading about the past, generational past and history and I imagine being able to raise a kid who is worthy of a future without the bs stigma of less than, or the bs unworthiness that I feel within my own self. 

but I've also learned from those mistakes in sense of knowing there needs to be a balance between taking care of him and being there, and setting boundaries. it makes me think I wish I was smarter years ago, but the problem is that it wasn't my job to raise my brothers and sisters, and whatever choices and decisions they made were their own, as well as I cannot hold onto that i caused them the most pain when I left because I did what was best for myself.. and no matter what choices and decisions they decided to cope with that, we are not that family any longer.

Now its just me and my brothers, and maybe select few of others, but overall I'm trying to raise my kid without the bs manipulation, trauma, and addictions whatever else that runs in our family history, and I don't know if that's the best decision, but I know I really would just love to raise him to be proud of himself, and where his roots are, IDK if that's crazy... 

Other than that... 

I can't get over being loved...being loved so mcuh that I don't even know! When reality is look at my life.. look at where I am at, what in the world makes it seem like I would be worthy of love? Ive done nothing worthy in my life that would allow for this type of love, and yet here it is.
I'm trying to fight everything within me not to destroy it, tamper it, or cause it any turmoil, but in doing that Im denying love in a part of my heart or soul that carries the darkness that's within me? if that makes any sense.
I know that everyone deserves love, and like so many great love stories we all deserve our own in whatever form it may or may not take place, but that the love isn't enough it's everything that goes along with it, it's not just the willingness to show the dark parts, but willing to allow someone else to help you live your life, or get to your potential to the fullest of your dreams.? 
I'm so in love.. I feel blinded by it's beauty... and that terrifies me because in this place...in this time.. what in the world.... 

So much going on for my partner... I wish I could take it all away an take it on my own, but I know that's crazy talk but isn't it normal? to want to take any the suffering of those we love? Well thats me.. I see a beautiful soul struggling everyday, and todya she said the most profound thing that makes me happy/sad at the same time.. she said she will fight to keep living but it's only because I've made life worth living.. 
IDK thats not exact quote but basically what was said. and its a lot to think about, what moment, what time, where did we find this love and how do we keep this up! Because I'm ready for it all! but thats psycho crazy me talking about everything.. reality is I just want the forever.. I want to hold onto it, I want the fairy tale love that is real, and that we work at and communicate and have fun, and laugh, cry, and whatever the case may be. 

I just want us to find our happiness and live in that fully just for a little while, for a day.. for a night. for a second because in all our time together we've struggled and yet we have so much love and passion, so much commitment I just want it all.
I can't believe we found one another, and that when I look at her, or feel her next to me, I know it's what I wanted all along, and that is totally insane to say its been such a beautiful ride, and if I died... I will at least know I had found love, not only that but love had found me as welll...

all the beautiful people I've cared about and loved, very few loved me back in this depth and in this way that I'll never be the same, and I don't know if she even knows what she has done to me.. I am forever changed, forever molded to love and want her happiness as my priority, because we deserve happiness, and I choose that for us everydya. as she had said put it out there, and that's what I'm doing! I want happiness, I want it forever with her, and want her to have that iwth me !

Stand by you

 All my doubts and fears about us basically laid to rest...I'm back to still willing to be someone in your life willing to stand by you, next to you, or as you say at the sidelines cheering you on. these are part of who I am, and how i love those in my life. 
I went through a lot to get you here in my life at this time.. and IDK why I wasnt ready for you right away but maybe we weren't.. and here we are...

I still can't tell the future. I still can't tell what's real all the time, but I can say... that this weekend and the time and patience you had with me and staying with us, the moments of laughter, clarify the love we share, and my desires for our future still stand in wanting a future with you.
I have tried to stand aside and let you be, and i'll probably always struggle with not being the first person you will turn too, jsut as long as Im not the last. 
its funny when you texted me you had said I'd automatically feel sad, but I dont... and I think for me part of that is that I believe in us. I believe we were put here for one another for a reason, for a time like this, and a time like now.. 
I went through our times together and all the times you see stood by me, came to my rescue, and loved me when i wasnt sure there was any part of me to love... and you proved me wrong time and again that there is something, someone, a part of me that is worthy of love, and is worthy of making it to the end of the line.

so today when being told about it all. no I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I have faith in us, I have faith in our future and all that we will acccomplish as a couple. I love you. I cherish you. and I will stand by you.. 

I know that you and I share the same reservations about sharing our parts with one another let alone anyone, and in the fears and doubts, I have already let you down, but I know I haven't.. in my mind I was still with you, even though I had hurt you. I was still with you. 

I am still with you. and I will not give up on us..  I am grateful for the time we have together and thats is worth writing about, remembering.. that no matter what you say to me... I love you and I am with you, and I am willing to stand by you.. 
I can't get over why you'd choose me.. I mean a part of me sees the heart adn soul I carry and that some people attach to that, adn that's why I have those people in my life/ 

I don't know IM tired. and I am not making any sense... I just know no matter what the future holds I am standing by you. 

trying to stay open

 It's been one of those days and I have to say I'm absolutely tired of these BS days! I repeatedly feel like I try. I try beyond all trying can ever be and no matter what I do I am failing, falling short, or suffering in some BS way! 

I feel so exhausted from feeling this way, I try to wake up! I try to wake up and say today will be a better day, today I'll make the choice to do better.. and sometimes it goes well and other's I'm just ready to give up! I am trying so hard to hold it together.. I feel like I'm tearing at the seams. 

you know we are going onto whatever amount of months that it counts.. we had all these plans, all these BS ideas that nothing is coming through, and I feel like no matter what I say, or do I fail. no matter what.. and I'm so toned to silence that I hear them as arguments, or silent hatred for something I've clearly done yet again.. and reality is none of this is likely true!
But it's killing me....

I literally cannot figure out what to do, how to help, how to support.. you know when we met the best support I was was just being there for her, in person, chillin with her when she felt alone, or lonely.. and now those days are gone... meaning I am not asked to be there... I'm there in some BS text message, and it's pissing me off.... I tell her I want to stop texting, I want us to be able to talk, communicate, to move forward... why do we speak about forever if we aren't willing to try it? 
I don't know why we talk about forever. I dont know why we feel what we feel, or how do we have the right to even think this could be it. 

I remmeber when I met her I remember our first interactions were fun but vanilla... it only became fun when she opened up to me, and then when I started to show my true colors about the person that I am! the person I've always been, I guess I'm one of those wears heart on my sleeve, because apparently she knew she wanted me more than just one night stand, she knew that from the time we met.. 
I knew there was not a chance in hell I'd ever be where I am now.. and yet here we are...

I get frustrated and upset easily. and I get hurt easily. I get intimated easily.. I see the ways she changes me, and i see the ways she lets me remain the same, but I wish that I knew her better.. even though she says i do, I feel like I don't. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.. as much as I know her, I don't know her. because...she knows I'll drive over at 2am to be with her for 5 mins, or I'll drive hours just to keep her safe, just as when my bs nights happened she came right over, and comforted me.. it was then that I knew that I wanted her in my life as well..
and the recent hospital visit..did it all in for me... only one person ever showed up for me and she isn't living here anymore.  

I don't know... I don't know what to think anymore.. I have all these thoughts, bulshit Perceptions about who we are, what we are, why we are? 
WHy me! what is that I am worthy of this? 
reality is... I've been dealt some really shitty cards in my life, most people have their own story to tell, but I am one of the most caring people in the world...

Like her... I'd give someone the shirt off my back, I'd give my soul or whatever it took for her to have one day of peace, in all the turmoil she has faced, or continues to face, I don't know how or what i can offer her that would make it worthy of love? 
how can she love the pieces of me... and i say pieces because there are darkness about me, there is the beast of me that lives within me... that daily BS mark that says do something to screw this up, say something, react to that, or some bs whatever I can to make it worse... to make it bad.. but I fight all my urges because SOMETIMES i can see or sense that it is not me who is thinking these things.. 

right now... it's hard to stay positive what is the point!!!! I replay music to replay memories of times we've had, I close my eyes an remember the good moments, the laughter, but I also remember that we aren't together all the time, and that is good but it also breaks us because moments like now...why would someone choose to be alone? because it's been her way for so long, but reality is now I'm here, an I'm willing to be here and it's not enough? I don't know....
I'm struggling with the silence... taking it as though something terrible is happening, has happened or is about to come around the corner, for her to say or do something that ruins us..but that's a reaction to past relationships.....

proven over and over she is with me.. for whatever reason that she has chosen to stay with me.. I did not force this, I did not chase her, I let her come back, or we let one another come back, and for the first few weeks it was hard...we both fought our own demons, and the demons of one another.. and now we're both fighting and illness whatever kind but still illness.. I tell her that mine gets me lost, mine gets me confused, and I get all these thoughts, or no thoughts at all, or days where I can't get up, can't eat, can't drink, can't sleep, just sit here staring at the wall. 
we both knew what we were getting ourselves into.. at least I like to think we did... I just dont know how to keep it real, keep it going, when the silence happens, I don't want to argue, I don't want to drudge up the past, but I want to mvoe forward, as I've repeatedly told her.. I was willing to do all this crap, do whatever it took to make us work, to make us move forward...

IDK...... I'm struggling.... It seems it's always me that is struggling, it's always in my head, I am always the one who is stuck here, or in this moment? I don't know....

what do I do..what should I think! what can I say? what can I be? how can I be of service. 

I am suffocating here... I want something, anything that gives me what I need fort this moment and time.'

Just..............give me an ounce of reassurance just once...just let me feel what I've been praising you for all day, why not give me that! just this once? in all the pain, in all teh bS why not give me a moment of peace? 

Next step

 I am looking at the new month and thinking how did we make it here! and how can we make it through it! I've been going through all these stupid disappointments that are hurting my heart, and i know some of it is me but some is that I feel unworthy. 
these feelings are my own BS life, all the shit I've gone through put up with or allowed in my life. 

I'm struggling because everything in my body is telling me to RUN! run away from what is to come because I'm just going to get hurt. but the heart part of me says that she said we're forever... there's no way that can be true...how can that be true.. some days we're so good and on the same page, but other times like now I feel so lost, so distant, and so lost. 
I also feel like I'm changing? wanting to change? wanting to be better for her? or maybe coming into my own person in some BS way? I don't know

I recently had a phone call from a former lover whos been my friend for 11 yrs now!!!!!! that's insane... but reality is that' shows who I am. there are some people worth standing by, and if someone needs that someone I'm usually the o

ne willing to do that.. and for her I did.. and when she called and told me all that she appreciated of me, and us as friends more family now.. I almost cried because in a time like now! I am feeling LOST! I am feeling so broken? so shattered? so scared? i don't know. 

in a few hours I'm finally getting some extra medical advice but im terrified it's going to say nothing and that I'm all good and there's nothing wrong with me,and I just wasted my life all this time..
it was hard..because while having her lay in my arms.. I wanted to cry.. I wanted to cry because of how great it felt to have her in my life, and how far we've come, and the fact that she stood by me while I was in hospital, that she loves me enough to be there for me.
But then a moment today.. a moment of my insecurity of knowing that I am less than, that I am unworthy of the love we have? I don't know... I don't know.. I just struggling... 

I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard... Its hard because all my life has been negative. all my life has always been painful.... reminder of my bs... I just want to get over this!
I'd love to show her who I am without my insecurities, my neediness, or desires to be loved etx.. but at the same time.... 

HOW! WHY does she even care. why am I worthy! why am I chosen. 

I have to remember why we're together but I don't know why we stay together... I just want to break down and cry because I'm hurting, and I want to talk to her but I cant 

Im hurt.. I'm hurting..and Im struggling..all my medical BS, all my life BS, and all my mind BS trying to tell me to run run away from all of this.... she's too young, she deserves better, whatever can come to mind of why I'm not her forever.... its hard to see forever right now even if she believes it... she could have believed that teh way I had with certain ones of my ex partners.. we all have those moments where we think that? don't we>

how can we know? how can we beileve it? because we breath life into it? we build on it! while I want too but IDK how to do this anymore... I"M LOST I'm LOST!!!