the beginning

YAY! I got all funding! Im going to College!


Im going to write the concerns of this present time... Im only writing about it because I know its a boundary that I need to take but because I haven't talked to anyone about it I just need to write about it..Yesterday I called my sweet friend an we talked about Boundaries...how important they are for my current circumstances..
One thing major thing I learned while I was away is the boundary of my family. I love my family an I hope to be a great influence in their lives. I wish that I could guide them to the great success of life but that's not my job. It's not my job to protect them to try an force them into being healthy life of just dealing with the circumstance.s.

Nevermind...the reality is that I'm starting to feel the weight of my family... My concerns are that my family...no wait my mother is making some not so great choices in the lives of my brothers an sisters...allowing a man to stay there that is questionable enough an is in recovery. I've always or since what happened to my sister Im always cautious of the people that go into my mother's place. because I really dont want anything to ever happen to any of them..especially if Im now in Vancouver.
But the boundary is that we're human...there are needs, responsibilities etc... things that I cannot control... Im worried to pieces about the choices she makes in their well-being an yet for the first time in my life I feel like I can't do anything...this is not my role this is not my job... I have always been the one to protect them from everything...
A few weeks ago my younger sister was hanging out in a not so great neighborhood an my first response was to get there...to put up the beast an protect her...

It took me some time to realize...this is not my job...I've used the role of a sister, an turned it into the father, the protector...superman even... to really go outta my way to leap the biggest moutains to change the world..to protect them from people like drug addicts, and things I know that could an will harm them.
I've come to the realization that Im not their parent an I have to let them choose what they choose... If I could raise awareness to my family of the choices and decisions they are making it would be gold...but one thing I've learned is that its not something you could be told....we have to figure it out for ourselves..

My presence in their lives bothers them because I bring reality of where they are an throw it in their face an make them see that I dont approve of it...and therefore that is my first mistake because I do love them...but I need to love them to the point that they desire change... I can't change them..I can show them what its like to live a life of goodness.

So the last twelve hours I've been contemplating whether or not I should move back into my mother's house, to bring on the character of being their protector an provider... this is the old pattern of thinking...this is not my job or duty to be there... I can help them when they are ready but until then...
My focus needs to remain on myself...to pay attention to me... to get into school to attend school, to keep my goals focused an ready there..... I just have to start walking it out... I have to find a place to live an see how that goes...but its my job to do that...not to be there for them.

I am concerned like crazy of where they are at but I also know that I won't be able to help them. One thing I've been told many many times is that I left them those years ago an went to find myself, my solid ground an although I didn't return with those things...Im where Im supposed to be...this is it...an so it'll be difficult...
I can only give these things to God and ask him to take care of them...I know this is the journey I need to take on my own...an that with hope they will find their way too...until then Im where Im supposed to be..

Do you know how difficult that is for me to say? But I know that it would mean if I went back then I'd be opening the door to the beast, to the darkness that I felt...the hurt I felt...the pain the life I had to leave behind when I got outta the hospital...my main focus is myself...not selfish but aware of the boundaries I must take to take care of myself first an foremost...
I must say that even though I know whats right I also know how much it hurts....how much I want to turn back how much I wanna run back....turn back...but I know Im where I am.. I worked extremely hard for people to believe in me...for me to believe in me....an now I have to continue on this walk....

This will pass...an one day my family will see the things I see...an live the way I live...to not need drugs, alcohol, smokes, money, etc....all those things to be content to be happy.... those are all things that wont be here forever...in eternity it won't even exist...an thats why I feel I dont need them... a process of walking through everything I've written everything I've believed in..... to believe in myself an my ability to get to school...an just be living the way that I have meant too for years...

it'll be okay..somehow someway they will find their way...until then they are loved...

laterz