Friday, August 7, 2009

keepin on

I am applying for funding for school.....Im not worried about not getting the funding because I know its out there an no matter what happens this is my chance an I made a promise to myself that Im not going to get worried about it at all. Its not to say that Im not making the right decisions an choices to do my part! something I learn about everyday Im living an doing my thing.

Other then that well...I dont know Im just trying to get things together for school I could not be more proud of myself for every decision I've made since then. i mean of course had my mishaps of things an made a poor decision here an there...But Im a fighter. an I am starting to see that in my heart, in my life an Im not giving up. Im not giving into any old habits or choices an learning to renew my mind an do what's right...
I miss my family though...Its crazy to say. I mean I live in vancouver an I haven't spent much time with my family an so I think as I continue on I'd like to start figuring that out because I really miss want to be a part of their lives, I feel set apart...more because of all the dysfunctional choices, and lifestyle they Im set apart from it..I just hope that with the changes in my life they would desire to do better. I mean for my cousin he's making the right decisions in standing by his girlfriend an making the right decisions an thats how I know he'll be a great father...I know he will do what he needs too when the time is right.

Today i was on a bus an seen some sad things....seen drug users sitting at a bus stop...the world set apart from them, afraid of she sat their smoking her crack pipe..people on the bus become numb to those sites an dont even bother looking out, an then every so often you have those tourists coming through looking at this an all interested an curious....yep this is the city we live...the good with the bad.
Not far down from there...Pigeon park...was torn down... I think they are making improvements an I hope thats the case because I can't imagine the city making a poor decision an taking away such a landmark of Vancouver. I remember the many many many years ago when my father was alive thats where I went to find him. Is that sad? yes it is...but it was the center of my life to see my father, an to be close to him. be close to the goodness no matter the destruction that surrounded it....

I worry about myself though you know? Im starting to see the right decisions in my life with not drinking, an all being in school is such a great thing...but there is something im beginning to see creep up in my life an I worry about it so much..The basic nessecities of life.. I spelt that wrong....but things like a roof over my head, lack of food...I can feel my body starting to tear itself thin with stress, exhaustion... I feel the feelings of things that are all too familar. trying to force my body to be okay without food, an trying to force myself to stay positive... there isn't anything negative in my life...but that I feel like Im destroying myself with trying too much you know?
That sounds crazy an stupid...what Im trying to do just seems like a lot.. the expectations of these choices, an decisions, the heart.... all high in the sky an so far from my reach but I am trying so hard...that my doctor had heard the stress an exhaustion....she told me to keep it real, calm myself down because Im overworking myself...

If Im like this before school then what will my life be like when Im actually in school? an working a part-time job?

im trying to pull in al the friendships I have trying to trust in new ones to come along.... Its not an easy thing esepcailly for someone like me...after everything I've been through I just am done trusting...part of relationships, friendships, any kind of relations is a gaining of trust...something I am forced to work on everyday im alive an around.... I have an amazing lady in my life who knows a majority of everything about me...the dark things I've put myself in an the things that I've done....but there still a part of me that holds back you know? its natural for me an I hope that I can work through it but keep it

staying positive..everything is going to work out the way that it needs too...Im doing everything I can to be here doing my part in living....worry less...thats all I need to take care of myself an part of that is more doctors appointments an getting my body worked out so that im not so exhausted, an that I can eat things without fear....Im sad that I've reached a point in my life... that Im where I am...but Im not worried...because you know what I've got so many people who believe in me, stand by me an I know everything will be alright....these are people who are willing to do anything, be there no matter wha Im not letting go..that's all I know..

Im gonna be in school in september no matter what fighting for it because it's where I need to be in my life! I can do anything an so I'm set on going to school..taking care of keeping myself surrounded by good people...everything will be alright!


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