this is a topic one step in getting closer to the Lord, to God...to giving him our all.. how her renews our minds, how we transform into greatness.
If only I could choose that everyday you know? To not have to remember all this stuff I had to deal with...tonight I was reminded of a fear that I hadn't felt in years...since I was a teenager.. an I thought about how many times I was scared, how I felt little, an how I felt I'd not make it to my 18 birthday because I'd end my life.
I dont know what to say to that... this weekend has been tough I spent a lot of my time alone, a lot of my time contemplating my choices an decisions for this week..what I hope to accomplish, what I feel i might fail at...I spent my time go over an over in my mind of the decision I made on June 3 an I could not even begin to tell you how much that hurt.
If not that decision lets not forget 589. one of the most painful memories of my life.. another choice that I had to make an live with..
I could continue on with all the things I wish I didn't have to remember an how much I wish I could forget them...but the reality is I feel like if I forgot those things then I'd forget my heart. if I dont let myself feel those things I'd forget where my heart was, it would be burried underneath all these things, these memories, times of heartache, times of fear, everything that's hindered me from moving forward, or could prevent me from that.
this weekend...I had to contemplate..weigh out the best results for a future...my future...what have I put myself into? an will I be alright with my decision? will these scars get me somewhere or will they haunt me, hurt me, an wound me for the rest of my life?
I had to take a look at this for real...none of this victory walk, this everything I was..it was time to be real, real about my situation, real about where Im at...I had to really look at it...an decide for myself..how much this opportunity is worth to me..
Im not really sure how to explain this weekend..what's happened..what I've done..or how I've done these things an I can't answer my own questions right now because I dont have the answers right now an part of this process for me is to not have all the answers, never truly knowing where everythign will come from..what will be the next step..how will I get there? who will fund me? how I'll live! ETC!!!
for some time I had to really write about these darkness moments of my life..to truly look at them.. hold them in my grasp...I felt like I ripped out my heart an was examining the damage, examining whether this was what my heart actually wanted....not the funnest times of my life I really would've needed someone through that...but really I had all I needed because...Im done listenning to how others are here for me, how I'll get through this...these things have got me no results...an its just words now to me...
my weekend felt overwhelming...an I didnt get to enjoy myself...I felt burdened...an now the beginning of the week is back an it's time to throw all of this aside an deal with things like place to live, an school...etc.. not an easy thing...but I write them here so I won't forget where Im at..
The first step is to change my thinking....I've been negative, in doubt, an worried about myself to the point of worrying myself to death...I've got to get somewhere....outta this mess an find a reason for a better future..
change my thinking...not positive or negative..just REALITY! the only way i'll get to where im going is if Im TRUE TO MYSELF! it doesn't matter what I write, who i write too, or where I've been, or who's in my life...at the end of the day Im here....And Im walking myself through this, if I forget where my heart lays then I'll be walking in pointless endless direction.